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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:09

It's not an all-or-nothing thing. Why do you have to stop your children asking them round? Just don't be offended if they say no 40% of the time.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:11

I think Tsarchasm is right. That you are ignoring or failing to notice these signals that strongly suggest that they do not desire the same level of friendship that you want and expect.

Original poster

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:12

I generally think it's quite sad that the old calling for friends to play culture has gone and everything has to be prearranged by parents.

I really don't think asking neighbours to play once or twice a month is harrassment.

I think saying no when it's not conveneient is fine.

I think saying no without explanation 50%ish of the time indicats something more though
a) she hates my kids
b)her kids don't like playing with my kids
c)she doesn't like unexpectde unarrangerd calling even if infrequent.
d)is not sociable and doens't like sovialising for kids outside family.

I think it's C and D, knowing all I know, and I don't like it much.

But it is her choice it's the way their family is, whwther i like it not.

OP posts:

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:14

You keep saying that you don't like it.Well too bad, clearly she doesn't like your pushiness either.

carelesswhispers · 31/08/2009 22:14

mrsbarbarakingstanding , i think you have tried your best to be friendly , but maybe its time you took a step back from this neighbour & just keep things on a hello - nice weather kind of basis , i can understand you are hurt by them refusing your ds to play , but its done now , hope your lo wasn't too upset .

Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 22:14

If trying to be friendly with your neighbour (ie she's just a person who happens to live near you) is not fulfilling for you, then why bother? If she doesn't want more than a hello/polite chit chat over the fence, that's not a slur on you or your DC.

If you're sociable, then you must just accept people for how they are? If you do then accept her for how she is. I know it might upset you on how this impacts on your children, but you can't force someone to be like you and something that they're not, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to.

I'm not saying that as a criticism of you, but just as someone who can understand your neighbour

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 31/08/2009 22:15

Is there any need to be so aggressive towards the OP? There's an undertone of bullying/bandwagonism about this thread which I don't quite understand

I am a crepuscular hermit-type social idiot who occasionally ignores the doorbell

I understand completely people saying "maybe they just want to be alone as a family and relax" etc etc

I feel like that too

but I make a fair bit of effort to open up and have a more welcoming approach to my children's friends, because I think it's better for my childre, and ultimately better for me too, because I don't WANT to be an antisocial grumpy git

there are times when I just couldn't cope with having anyone on the premises not blood-related to me - I am just too flaky in my habits, moods, housework etc to have a total open-door policy

but I do try

so I think I understand the OP's point of view - it WOULD be lovely for the children if we could all just relax and let them run free with each other, I am very attracted to that idea, even though I am not adequate enough to make it a reality

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:15

You are making quite negative assumptions. How about, 60% of the time, her children are happy to play with yours, 40% they're not, or are doing something else? Anything else is theorising ahead of the facts I think.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:15

And I don't see why she should have to provide an explanation.

Besides it seems a bit obvious to me and apparently to many other posters that you do not invite yourself over when people have family visiting.

Original poster

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:17

Thunderduck, I agree with that. we have concludede they don't want the friendship and are going to back off in other ways, but I also fear that in doing this my neighbour will feel hurt or ostracised as she relies on me in some ways to help include her in socialising with other mothers, which she seems to want but struggles with.

OP posts:

Katisha · 31/08/2009 22:19

MRSBKS - but do you concede the point about this being their family occasion and that maybe you shouldn't have tried to get your DS over that fence?

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:20

But Greeny, you and hte OP are attracted to that idea. But I'm not. And TBH neither is my DS. Now that might be because I've conditioned him to be an anti social as I, but perhaps it isn't that simple. And anyway - it's how he is. I hope I'm not being aggressive. But there is another perspective on the 'cold and anti social thing'.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:20

I think backing off is the right thing to do. You can still be civil and cordial, and talk to her when you see her of course, but she obviously doesn't want a close friendship and everything you've said suggests that she wants you to back off a bit.

eekamoose · 31/08/2009 22:21

Greeny - I honestly don't think it is bandwagonyism on this occasion.

Its just that most of us feel a degree of sympathy with the neighbour, not the Mnetter - just this once .

scroobiuspirate · 31/08/2009 22:21

if your dc's call for them say twice a month, maybe just maybe they are busy inside doing something?

maybe she isn't as sociable with other people's kids, sometimes i get a bit uncomfortble and nervous.

maybe she has other problems.

Ripeberry · 31/08/2009 22:22

Grief, why does she need your kids round hers? Why can't you invite the neighbour's kids to your house?
A neighbour a few doors down the road lets her young son wander the estate (only 20 houses)and in the course of a day he will be gone ALL day and visit at least 10 houses, hes told me this.
He's been doing it since he was 4yrs old and we've had him over everyday for at least a couple of hours after school.
I don't mind as he's no trouble (usually), but now he's getting older (almost 8yrs old), he is starting to get a bit rough and breaking things, so I basically don't want him over.
His mum has NEVER invited my girls over to her house.
You say your boys are no trouble, but your neighbour still has to 'mind them' and maybe she does not want to extra responsibility.
Maybe you should invite her over to your place and let all the kids play together

Original poster

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:25

I accept that this is obviusly some huge social faux pas of which i was unaware, but really to me to ask if yur child can join in with a game in the garden doens't seem like the most pig ignorant thing ayone ever did that it has been made out to be.

So amazingly ignorant infact, it's unbelievable!

Inafact, just weeks before, my ds aksed ds next door over (over the fence!!) while my mum and dad were here!! we sat having coffee at the table aftre lunch whle the kids went in and out making up games and throwing us a casual hello.

I think I am much more casual about all this generally.

OP posts:

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:27

They had family over.You intruded upon a family gathering.Is it really so hard to understand that doing so is rude and inconsiderate?

pigsinmud · 31/08/2009 22:27

I don't think the calling for friends to play culture has gone at all. My boys are now 11 & 9 and they call for friends and go to the village park together, go out on their bikes etc..

However, I'm not so keen when hordes turn up to play in garden for several reasons - I have 2 younger children and a puppy ... we live on a main road and visiting children in & out the garden tend to leave the garden gate open...

I would have let your child join in, but I would have felt pressurised by your dh asking over the fence. Do your children and her children really like each other? I know that a nearby class friend of ds2 is always inviting himself round, but ds2 is not that keen on him so i probably sound like your neighbour as I have to try to put him off.

londonartemis · 31/08/2009 22:27

I don't think your neighbour doesn't want to be friends...don't jump to conclusions. I think she's busy doing other things and bringing your children into the equation from time to time (like when she's having family over) doesn't always suit.

Original poster

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:28

Ripeberry they do come to mine rarely hers, they always get invited here.

Thunderduck as i say I agree about backig off, but see my point in last post about some difficulties with that as she relies on me to include her in socialising with other mothers.

OP posts:

dogofpoints · 31/08/2009 22:28

How old are all your respective children?

I only ask because I often used to find it one big pain to have other kids over a lot when the dds were small. Once they were all over..ooo... 7 or 8 it was easy as pie and now they are in and out of people's houses all time (including mine)

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 22:28

I'm sure that if she wants your help then she will ask for it.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 22:29

Well, I don't think there's any harm at all in asking. As long as you can take no for an answer without deciding your neighbours are a bit mean.

Ripeberry · 31/08/2009 22:30

What do you do if the neighbours have a big familly BBQ? Feel angry or upset that you were not invited? Respect peoples privacy when needed and they will be more willing to 'share'

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