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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 21:50

Quite probably. I've already said I am a bit. But you are implying that they are, well, not very nice people. Which is a bit

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:50

I cannot understand why you think that it's unacceptable to interrupt a family gathering.

And if they aren't very sociable,So what? There's nothing wrong with being so.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:50

Acceptable sorry not unacceptable.

hercules1 · 31/08/2009 21:51

I really wouldnt have asked. IF they were up for your ds going round they would have asked.

Katisha · 31/08/2009 21:52

Yes but these were all cousins? I think that makes a difference if they were having a big FAMILY party surely?

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:52

yes I'm for real.

ASkig if yiur kid can join in a game, even if it's with your cousins is hardly the most amazingly ignorant stupendoudly unbeliebably crass thing a person ver did. Even if you disgaree with it.

You get real.

OP posts:
TsarChasm · 31/08/2009 21:52

I think the fact the neighbour had family visiting isn't really the point though.

That was a darn good enough reason to say 'no' of course for all the reasons stated; but she should be able to say it anyway even if no-one was visiting. I do, but then I do 'unfriendly' with aplomb when necessary

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:53

I agree Tsarchasm. She's under no obligation to have other children over.

superduperminder · 31/08/2009 21:55

I am real enough to know when to let people have their privacy in their own home.
If I was your neighbour I would regularly keep my curtains closed and pretend I was out.

eekamoose · 31/08/2009 21:55

"ASkig if yiur kid can join in a game, even if it's with your cousins is hardly the most amazingly ignorant stupendoudly unbeliebably crass thing a person ver did. Even if you disgaree with it."

No, but it puts the neighbours in an awkward position and is thoughtless and socially inept.

I'm afraid I don't think this thread is "real" either, any more.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:55

fallenmadaonna I think that's the nub.

they are not sociable (imo). They seem unfrinedly (imo) (in other ways too that I won't go into for fear of 'introducing new informayion'.)

I personally do not like that much.

But yes, esstentially, tough titty to me.

and no, it doesn't make them not nice poele.

OP posts:
BedofRosesItAintII · 31/08/2009 21:56

YABVU.

It is her home, her rules. She has the choice to say yes or no to your ds coming to play, whatever the circumstances, and you need to respect that.

You son should not expect a 'yes' every time he asks, however infrequently he asks.

You might do things differently but the choice is not yours to make. (How on earth you thought it was okay to let him ask during a family gathering is beyond me?)

Your neighbour is not be cold but she is exercising her right to choose who comes into her home.

Can you not see her point of view?

deaddei · 31/08/2009 21:56

Maybe they don't like you or your children.

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2009 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElieRM · 31/08/2009 21:58

I doubt your neighbour wanted to upset your son, but I do feel for her. She was put in an akward posistion; she obviously had her reasons for saying no. So she could either say no and enjoy her afternoon, but probably feel quite guilty about saying no in the first place. Or say yes, and have her family gathering disrupted. That is no reflection on your son or his behaviour, but it was clearly very much family time. So I can understand your upset at her saying no, but it was really rather unfair to ask.

Oxymoronic · 31/08/2009 21:58

I feel a bit sorry for you with the stick you're getting MrsBarbaraKingstanding, but you don't seem want to understand anyone who isn't like you and sociable.

I'm not sociable, I don't like people round and I don't like going round to other people's houses. It's just the way I am, I don't apologise for it or want to change. My DC's understand this and accept it, I do have some of their friends round, but not on a really regular basis.

I would just leave the neighbour to her own devices and see if she contacts you, if you don't want her DC round, say no.

francagoestohollywood · 31/08/2009 22:02

I feel sorry for the OP too. But then, I'd never say no to a child who wants to pop round to play. And I'm quite sociable.

PrincessToadstool · 31/08/2009 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebeccash · 31/08/2009 22:03

YABVU in my opinion.I think it is even worse that your DH asked rather than your DS. It sets an example to your children that it is ok to infringe on other people's time. I am quite sociable but hate other peoples children asking to play either at theirs or mine. It puts me in an awkward position and I think it is very rude.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 22:04

Oxymoronic I do understand and accept it, I think my neighbour is proably very much like you.

It's just as a neighbour I don't like it much.

tryong to be friendly with unsociable people is ultmately not very fulfilling.

I should tell my Dc they can't invite the kids over again, as I have dome before, just seesm a bit miserable to me when your friends live next door.

OP posts:
TsarChasm · 31/08/2009 22:05

They were being sociable and friendly enough with the people they had round though.

So they aren't unsociable and unfriendly people at all.

They just said no to their neighbours who were rather insensitively crashing their afternoon.

You say they are unfriendly towards you 'in other ways too that I won't go into'...are you not tuning into some sort of message here?

londonartemis · 31/08/2009 22:06

OP, Why can you not understand that it did not suit your neighbour to have your child round that day to play? She doesn't have to explain. You should take her word for it. Personally, I think your DH has a nerve asking her in the first place. Always wait to be invited, then you won't be turned down.

hocuspontas · 31/08/2009 22:06

Your dcs can invite who they like over - it's your/their house. It's when they want to play at the neighbours, you feel that they should be able to - that is BU.

Katisha · 31/08/2009 22:07

Well I think if you want us to understand a bit more you might have to go into the "other reasons" that they seem unfriendly.
I do feel that trying to crash their family occasion was insensitive though. Surely it could be explained to DS that these were all cousins having a family do?

eekamoose · 31/08/2009 22:07

Good gracious. Is it not possible to not want other people's children inviting themselves over to a private family gathering without being labelled anti-social?

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