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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
Heated · 31/08/2009 21:00

It's Bank Hol Monday and probably a planned family gathering so whilst I nearly always agree with your posts MrsBKS, in this case only, YABU. Sorry your little boy felt left out though.

ThingumyandBob · 31/08/2009 21:00

I wouldn?t take it personally?.I had really good friends who lived over the road from me when we were growing up, there was a sort of rule when family came (cousins and things) that we didn?t play together then. Partly because the host would have a house full and partly because the cousins came from quite a distance and didn?t get to play together very often so it was nice to just be a family and my friends family enjoyed the same.

Perhaps that?s what this family think too?

Anyway, not being harsh, but it did kind of teach us that we couldn't be involved in everything all of the time and that even our best friends had independent lives. Not a bad lesson at any time of life.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:01

Can I reiterate:

On the occasions they have played it has 90% been here. we always invite them here and they have a really lovely time.

I think they do not like people in thier house.

fair enough, thier choice, but not an attitide I personally warm to.

OP posts:
franklymydear · 31/08/2009 21:01

What was your other kid doing whilst your son was mooning at the neighbours?

I've never been quite so irritated by another parent's assumption of what is right before - I think maybe, because I have so many kids, that I suffer from people expecting that 1 or 2 more makes no difference - well it does and whilst 90% of the time I'm happy to have an open house there are many times I want it just to be my kids

clam · 31/08/2009 21:02

There are times when I'm perfectly happy about an open-door policy, and others when it's just not convenient. I don't want to have to explain that to people either.

So recently, when DD's friend was round and I was on a deadline writing reports, that was fine because they're quiet together. But when her little brother knocked for DS (who was lounging in the hammock reading a book quietly at the time), I drew the line. He is full-on, loud and demanding - great kid but I couldn't cope that afternoon. Specially as it would have meant tea for all 4 and a special trip out to the shops to get extra food as he doesn't eat my normal cupboard fare. I was undoubtedly the unfair mother-from-Hell at the time, but my house, my rules.

8 kids (specially cousins) sounds more than enough for one household at a time. YABU, I'm afraid.

thisisyesterday · 31/08/2009 21:05

yeh i think you are being unreasonable too.

she had family over, your ds asked, she said no.

get over it!

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:06

Re: looking out of the window for 2 hours.

He was upstairs playing, and watching the games with interest and touch of sadness.

we were getting house and garden ready for BBQ we were having in the aftrenoon for 5 families with combined 14 kids, and if their kids had wantde to come and join in I wouldn't have minded at all.

I am the hosteess with the mostess!

Ds had a wonderful time at our BBQ.

I think I have a very different attitude to my neighbour.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 31/08/2009 21:08

well good for you.
i can't believe you feel that your kids have a right to play over there or be invited in even if it's inconvenient just because you want your kids to have the childhood you had.

maybe she just doesn't like your kids

franklymydear · 31/08/2009 21:10

I think you've got a stick up your fundament

TsarChasm · 31/08/2009 21:11

Franklymydear - I have noticed the same. The assumption that because I have three dc more won't notice. It does though, your are right!

I put my foot down over this the summer before last when I counted 17 children in my garden on several occasions.

The noise and mess not to mention the responsibility for their safety was ridiculous. Also, if you want to give your own dc and icecream or a drink you end up doing it for loads more.

People are entitled to privacy and the use of their home without justifying themselves to their neighbours dc.

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2009 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:11

I don't think they have a 'right'.

I just thnk it's nice to let kids play together.

It's the refusing to allow to play (at my house) nearly half the time combined with not letting Ds join in yesterady that has midly irrated me. Just seems.....unfriendly.

OP posts:
juuule · 31/08/2009 21:15

YABU.

I don't always want other children around to play and their are times that my children don't want others round to play.
As others have said it can change the dynamic of the play and cause problems .

If your neighbour said no then that's how she or her children must have felt at the time.

It's not as though your children missed out if you had a barbecue later with 14 children.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 21:16

Do they come and knock for your children as often your ds knocks for them? Because perhaps when the mum says they are too busy, they really are just wanting to play alone/with each other.

Sassybeast · 31/08/2009 21:17

It's nothing to do with an 'our home is closed attitude'. It's about you taking the piss by expecting your neighbour to look after your kids at the drop of a hat. And the saddest thing, as you seem to have missed that point in my previous post, is that you let your child stare sadly out of a window for 2 hours.

thesecondcoming · 31/08/2009 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:18

many of you are ignoring the facts.

They are not calling to play 'all the time'

Once every 2 weeks AT THE MOST.

When they cal they invite them HERE.

Approx 40/50% they are told no. So actually play AT MY HOUSE, about once a month. Proably less.

Mine have proabbaly played at neighbours about 4/5 times in 3/4 years, so I am not making hude child care demands, or time demnads on my nieghbor, or eating into huge amounts of her family time.

All just seems a bit cold and unfrindly to me.

OP posts:
juuule · 31/08/2009 21:19

It's possible that her children don't want to play at your house but are happier playing together at their own house.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:20

YABU and with each post I'm becoming even more firmly convinced that YABU.

NervousNutty · 31/08/2009 21:20

My kids are told they are not allowed to ask if they can play in other peoples gardens, and I'd not ask for them either. If someone wanted them to go and play then they would ask.

I personally hate being put on the spot when children come up to me and say 'so when can I come to your house'.

I just think it is rude.

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:21

And please stop shouting.

eekamoose · 31/08/2009 21:22

"us lot" are not ignoring the facts. You did not give "the facts" in your op.

This is a thread about your scenario from the other side of the fence here.

Did someone already say this sounds like a Daily Mail thread?

paisleyleaf · 31/08/2009 21:22

I had the same as ThingumyandBob when growing up.
If friends had cousins or family visiting then they were out of the picture for that time.
It's quite important to many parents that children build bridges with their cousins and other extended family.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:24

I have considered maybe thier children don't want to play, and have considered quietly asking neighbour this, but they all seem to love playing when they do play.

neighbour is friendly, but they have very few friends and generally don't have anyone around ( accept cousins) I think they have an attitude of just wanting to be alone with family whereas we are more socialable.

As I said in OP, I know this is a difernece I have to accpet, but also as I said it seems a bit cold and unfriendly to me.

sasy I answerd your point about the window.

OP posts:
juuule · 31/08/2009 21:26

Perhaps it is a perception thing.

They seem cold and unfriendly to you but maybe you seem a bit pushy and in-your-face to them?

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