To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

[MrsBarbaraKingstanding]

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

Seriously though, i think it's about your relationship with NHBR and that's where the hurt comes in because it seems you want to like this woman and she is making it difficult. You mentioned fleetingly that her NH was possibly the reason and I'm guessing that's where to start. I would, at a good time when she seems relaxed and comfortable, mention that you don't mind if she doesn't want her kids to come over but if there's anything you can do to help, to let you know and you will. I think it's important for you to be upfront about what you expect - which is honesty - if she told you what the problem was, it would be less hurtful (probably) and if it was something you could change, all the better. I would also use every opportunity to reiterate that honesty and trust are important to your friendships. It seems she may need someone to talk to.

i agree with stillstanding -

cant believe how much flak the OP has taken on this! some of the assumptions made about the OP have just been irrational and i stopped reading toward the end.

I think she does want to be friends, but I thik she finds frindship difficult (observation of other situations for her also).

I think I may casually ask if she'd rather the kids didn't call. I think that will imply I've noticed, and also give her an opportunity to be more clear about her boundaries (which I may not like but will have to accpet).

We will stay friends, she's a nice woman, I woudln't be bothered otherwise, but I think it will be a diffrent kind of frindship, more distant, than I share with most of my other friends. Although I do feel she'd like to close, I feel she can't do close do YSWIM?

Of course again, these are only my perceptions.

I do also think there are some issues with her DH, but I don't want to go into those and reveal anymre than I have about her private life.

That is not what I meant BarbarsKingstanding. It is not about knowing at all time wether or not he was gazing out or not. But, once you are aware he is gazing out and feeling sad, top take te appropriate action.

I cannot speak for your neighbour, I do have absolutely no clue what her reasons are. What I can tel yopu about my own experience, is that at some point in my life I gave and gave and gave, a bit like you, all the children in the neighbourhood welcome at all time blablabla. Came a point where I was so tired of having to always be nice with all the kids while still having to tell my DCs off (somehow I find it harder to "force" outside DCs to follow house rules) I completely cracked and decided to put a major stop to it! Now I do indeed reserve myself the right to refuse someone coming in, not at all because my dcs do not want to play with them but because I have to keep sane and sometimes it is not possiblre with extra DCs arround!(especially when feeling a bit hormonal).

I think it is probably much more an issue of her wanting to have some peace of mind than her children avoiding your DS. Whichever way you look at it, once friends/neighbours are in your house or your back garden they do become your responsability and sometimes some people are just not feeling up to being responsable for other children on top of theirs and other family members(cousins...).

"cant believe how much flak the OP has taken on this! some of the assumptions made about the OP have just been irrational and i stopped reading toward the end."

As are OP's assumptions that because the neighbour says no or is busy she is cold and unsociable.

Mrs B- I think you are right - i really don't think it's directly related to the children because to have them play next door seems to be what the kids want and it would seem she's wants it to happen as well. I'm guessing there's bigger issues and at a guess, from the slight hints you've dropped, i would guess at them being serious issues. I don't want to be the one to change the thread from kids playing to scary domestic problems but I think without giving full information, most people are harping on and on about the wrong thing. I would be inclined to ignore this thread completely and move on like you are planning. I think she's been giving the signs of friendship by coming to the social events. Would she come for more informal occasions too? Does she relax at them? Does she always have to get home at a certain time? All indications of a controlled environment at home. I hope you can be a good friend to her and think the kids thing should take a back step for the time being. I definitely think you should be outright and ask, although definitely gently so she has the opportunity to tell you. Here's hoping it works. Of course, there is always the possibility you'll become involved in a complex situation that you wish you never started in which case, you could always back off now!!! good luck!

Yes MrsB it would so be worth talking to her, its obviously upsetting or getting to you. Do you think that you can. Just think of a way to approch it discreetly it might just help to clear things up. good luck with it all hope it all gets sorted. It is a shame that your neighbour does not reciprocate, i would most of the time, unless busy, eating well not together lol, had guests etc. We often do have of onedds friend from mums and babies but wish that more people would come i do keep asking them but too busy. Is it me lol. oh well he ho

I don't think the domestic problems are 'scary' necessarily but I do get the impression of life being very controlled.

Another example which may illustrate, is that her and her Dh have not been out for 10yrs (although have been once lately so broken this run) as she says they have no family to babysit, so I have offered many many times, as I know have others, and she will never take us up on it. Also I always say to ask me if she needs me to take kids to school etc, but she never will, I have known her drag herselg out of her sickbed to get to school when I could have easily got them for her, or when her Dh has taken a day off work on a teacher day when I have repeatedly said I'm at home and they could come to me it's be lovely etc.

But on the other hand in other ways she does seem to want to make friends. But I feel we're friends, and then can't help feeling snubbed when all my offers are refused.

I know essentially it's my probalem though and she can do what she likes.(preapres self to be jumped on my all MNers who like to do everything themsleves and don't like to take help but who ae still really really nice poeple).

lol - you know you can't win on this thread!! I think ask her outright if she minds your kids asking hers over. If she says no, she can't complain. If she says yes or other variation, ask why and then accept and leave it i guess. Sounds like a rubbish situation but people like that have nobody around them because they refuse the help. In my experience, accepting help is genuinely liberating. That's how human's are designed. We're not meant to fend for ourselves alone. We're a social species meaning we need others. Ah well, rant over - here's hoping you don't get anymore of a hard time on this thread - but if/when you do, i would hope it is at least construtive well informed critisicm as opposed to the playground bullying you have been subjected to so far..... and for the record, i don't think YABU.

Thanks madcatz, I genuinely appreciate you reading it all and giving me a thought out response.

I think AIBU threads can be worthwhile if they help some one think through their situation and actually consider their actions and feelings, but dreadful when they descend in to a gang kicking.

Some of the responses have made me think and helped. Maybe in her eyes, as many on here seem to agree, there is a rule for many that you don't play with anyone else if family are there. I'm not as rigid on this but as so many have said it, I will consider this in the future and avoid it.

(will restate though it wasn't quite the forcing your way into a family party as has been portrayed.)

Also it's made me think abut my friend and my realtionship. the more I consider it the more I think she has a more formal or 'old fashioned' (used descriptively not as judgement) way of interacting, which can appear standoffish to some such as me who are different, and standoffishness can appear like a snub and cause offense at times, even though that may not be the intention at all. I think I am more relaxed and less formal in my friendships, as are all my frinds really, and we would think nothing of say texting one another if stuck at work to pick up kids, or seeing if we're free for an unplanned drink or curry say.

They are diffrent ways of interacting which is of course fine.

I think my neighbours more formal style will prevent us from ever becoming really close, and will at times appear standoffish and unfriendly to me. I may even occasionally feel miffed by it again, but I won't mention it on MN for sure.

Can't believe this thread is still going. Fwiw MrsBK, I wish you were my neighbour! How much nicer to be able to call round for a bit of unscheduled play - than to have to organise a formal playdate (God I can hardly type that term I hate it so much!) Why does everything have to be so formalised and controlled!! Your kids asked to go round and play your neighbour said no - big deal (I think you do have to be prepared for them to say no btw sometimes and not take it too personally if they do). It's great to have little playmates next door so they can pop round for half an hour, or until tea is ready or whatever rather than having to schlep round to some schoolmate's house (usually involving a car journey) with rigid dropping off and picking up times and a programme of activities. I would be encouraging such low maintenance friendships and more fool your neighbour if she isn't.

if she could say a reason for 'no' that would be more polite and you wouldnt feel miffed.
she is giving mixed signals. i dont know how you can put this friendship in order. or do you need to put in order i dont know.
maybe putting some distance is better.
we cant get on with every people around, its not easy.

Im confused now and i have been reading the whole thread, i thought you were miffed because your neighbour said no, youre children couldnt go and play when the cousins were there?

FWIW, I can see why you were miffed MrsB, but also where your neighbour is coming from.

In our street, the kids have played out for about 7 or 8 years and the rules seem to have evolved to be that you don't call round when there are visitors, but for example, when cousin was staying over at mine he played out too. Generally, if the kids are out front, it's ok to wander, but you have to ask if they are in their own garden.

I have read the whole thread and was thinking along the same lines as Madcatz to be honest. Or she could just be shy, and being friendly with you is helping her to overcome that slowly. Or as in our family, there is someone with an ASD who just doesn't cope very well with the maurauding horde! Then again, if like me, your neighbour lives in complete CHAOS, she may just be too embarrassed to let people in to her house.

Try not to take it too personally

i be your ds has got over it by now

i should imagine that as she is your actual neighbour, right next door i mean, she wants to keep some sort of boundaries.
and i can't blame her. i am the same with my neighbours. i dont want to be too paly-paly and it sounds as if she is of the same opinion.
when we heard that a friend of dd's were contemplating moving next door i was worried (!) and breathed a sigh of releif.
but i am obviously weird.

I don't like the assumption that it's OK to just send the kids round to each others' houses. I like to create space at home for my 3 kids to play without interruption. If I have more then my 3, I would not accept the neighbours kids, but my neighbours would not ask. It's important to respect people's private space. My friend's neighbours were forever doing this, and one day my friend woke up on saturday morning to find the neighbours kids watching TV in her living room. She asked the kids where her parent were and they said, "Asleep, we aren't allowed to wake them". The kids then asked my friend is she would take them to the park. My friend got very upset. I think you should just keep it low key and maybe offer some playdates instead of sending yours to theirs.

I have just read whole thread.

I can see why OP has got narked about people not reading the facts properly. Some haven't, it's obvious from their responses. This is understandably annoying for OP, cos it annoys me too. Especially when people breeze in going 'Hi, haven't read whole thread, but I think blah blah' and they are about 5 pages out of touch. Anyway:

YANBU for wanting to let the children call for each other now & again.

YA a bit U to be miffed when the neighbour says no (whatever the situation)

YABVU to assume neighbour or anybody on here
who agrees with neighbour is anti-social/ doesn't like you/is miserable/weird/has ishoos(delete as appropriate)

YABU ( and slightly obsessive)to keep trying to work out whether neighbour likes you or not based on this and the other incidents you mention.
YANBU to feel people are attacking you, but I think a bit misguided. Reading it all,it doesn't seem like attacking, it's more like people are getting more and more brusque and blunt with you because you keep appearing not to want to leave the issue alone and are not comfortable with people disagreeing with you. Despite saying in several earlier posts that you 'would have to accept' that you neighbour isn't necessarily like you.

I'd like to say as well that as someone else said, it IS quite possible that neighbour feels a little intimidated, especially if she's not as outgoing as OP.
I am more like the neighbour, and I know perfectly well-meaning, sociable people who I feel intimidated by, simply because they seem so confident & outgoing. They don't know I feel intimidated & would probably be amazed at the very idea (like some posters here)
They invite me to things, and that's nice, but I don't always want to go.
I have agreed to go to events that I didn't want to because I haven't had the courage to say no. I don't always feel like having their children round at the drop of a hat, but I find it hard to say no, so sometimes I do & sometimes I don't. Maybe the neighbour is a bit like this. I don't think that is so very hard to understand. Well, maybe it is if you are very outgoing & have never felt like that.

I'm going to bed.