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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
lucykate · 31/08/2009 21:27

we live next door, on both sides to families with dc's, they are all similar in age and all go to the same school. sometimes they play together, and sometimes they don't. we're all very good friends, but you have respect each families personal space.

if i've spent all morning doing the housework, no, i won't want everyone nipping round for a play in the afternoon and trashing the place, so sometimes we do say 'not today', when a play is suggested, as do the neighbours. and if family/friends are visiting, it's a definite no.

sometimes, if the kids are still really keen, luckily we live in a quiet close, so playing out front is always an option, but i wouldn't want an open house deal.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 21:29

My children have friends they play with very happily, but they also need their own space. We are all slightly anti social in this house. We like our own company, and that of others in small-ish doses. Perhaps that does make us unfriendly, but I don't think it makes us cold.

superduperminder · 31/08/2009 21:30

I cannot believe you think your neighbours have a bad attitude because they wouldn't let your DS play when they had family visiting!!!

It doesn't matter if they were playing en masse in a huge game in the garden and wouldn't have noticed an extra one - they didn't want him there when they were spending time with their family and you should have had a bit more respect than to even let your child go and ask.

Thank god my neighbours don't have children.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:30

'every time' and 'constantly' are words in that thread OP eekamoses.

My children ask evry few weeks at the most. and went months recentky (befor the summer)without asking at all.

They've proably playde together twice this summer, I don't think the no family time, privavct invasion, constant and every time fit this scanario at all.

and most facts are in the OP.

OP posts:
deaddei · 31/08/2009 21:31

YABU.
Maybe their kids don't really like yours- if they didn't live next door, wouldn't choose to be friends.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 21:32

You are significantly backtracking on the 'often' in your own OP...

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:34

If allwoing your chldren to ask their friends next door if they's like to come and play once every few weeks is pushy and in your face, then I am.

OP posts:
franklymydear · 31/08/2009 21:34

So you had a barbecue with 14 kids - and if 8 more kids had pitched up to play that would have been fine would it?

GodzillasBumcheek · 31/08/2009 21:34

Maybe they just don't like you and are too polite to say they don't really want their kids round at your house.

franklymydear · 31/08/2009 21:35

it is fine kids asking kids to play - not an issue

what is not fine is you taking umbrage when the answer is no

what is not fine is you not managing your own children's expectation and even their respect for their neighbour's personal space and lives.

you do not ask to play when there are other guests there - ever - that is totally out of order in my book

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:36

I do think it's pushy to ask when you know they have family visiting.

Bathsheba · 31/08/2009 21:36

We often have the little girl from 3 doors down at our door asking to play...and sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no.

I can say No for many reasons

  • I'm way too tired to cope with the screeching noise of my 2 and R from 3 doors down when they get together.
  • My DD2 always ends up in tears.
  • My DD2 is always teased in their games - the favourite game seems to be "run away screaming from DD2"
  • My girls are just about to have their tea
  • We are just about to go out in the next hour or so
  • My Dh is due home from work soon and he definately can't cope with the noise
  • I've not really recovered from the day that DD1 went round to R's house and was found by me 20 mins later sitting on R's doorstep alone in tears - R's Brother had friends round, R and DD1 tried to join them, R's Dad said "No, thats too many children in the house", so R had stayed in the house to play with her brother and her friends, and sent DD1 outside.
  • On a good day they stay in the garden. I'm very aware of the nouse they make and that my next door neighbour is a police officer frequently on nights and needs some sleep.
  • On a wet day, like most of the summer, they have in the past completely destroyer DD1's bedroom. On some days I can cope with the "post visit" tidy up but on many days (and being 20 weeks pg at the moment and exhausted, thats most days) I can;t cope with the tidying up after she has been round.
  • and amny many other reasons.

I'm positive her Mum thinks she is a lovely girl who gets on great with everyone, just as I think my DDs are too. However they exhaust me and there is no way she is getting to come in and play every single time she calls round.

hocuspontas · 31/08/2009 21:36

If I saw neighbours with friends or relatives over then they would be off-limits to my children. In no universe would I allow my children to intrude on their gathering and if they made a fuss - tough. And I would expect the same from neighbouring children in return. When I was a child we adhered to these 'rules' as well.

You need to explain to your children that it is not 'confusing'. Sometimes they want to play, sometimes they don't. It's normal.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:38

Ah, by 'often' I wanted to imply this was not just a once or twice scenario, some seem to presume this means a daily harrasing. It is certainly not.

It is not even weekly and often not fornightly.

the kids may not like my kids, that is a possible reason granted, but all other evidence pionts otherwise.

OP posts:
ElieRM · 31/08/2009 21:38

I can understand that you felt your DS was being excluded, but I really don't think that was the case.
As many other posters have said, family time is important, and if it was a family occasion your neighbour was entirely reasonable in wanting to keep it that way. Also, regardless of whether you are just next door, if your children are on her property she may well feel she is responsible for them, especially in terms of offering drinks etc. which with 8 kids to cater for is probably a bridge too far.
I would accept it and move on, and only invite their children round to yours in future. Do not tell your DS to ask to go to them. If you feel that's too one sided, don't allow them to yours either.

Doodlez · 31/08/2009 21:39

I heard your next door neighbour likes to do the washing up naked, so obviously, having your kids round is a bit of an embuggerance.

carelesswhispers · 31/08/2009 21:40

mrsbarbarakingstanding , i think i can see where you are coming from , we had new neighbours three years ago , they have a ds two years younger than my ds , my ds befriended their son & welcomed him into his group of friends , then after a few weeks , the mother started to invite my ds's friends into her house & leave my ds outside crying , she would open all her windows so my ds could hear them all playing happily in their house , her way of taking ds's friends away from him was to buy ice-cream from an ice-cream van & offer the other kids 1 & that way they would follow her ds into their house , i thought this was very cruel , after all ds was only 7 & could not understand why he was being left out , she did this every day on my ds , until ds finally made different friends ,
i personally feel it would have been a huge problem to let your ds play , i mean if there's already 8 children what harm could 1 more do , but i guess that's up to your neighbour to decide .

superduperminder · 31/08/2009 21:41

I agree franklymydear - I just can't get my head around why anyone would let their child knock on a neighbour's door asking to play when they have family visiting.
If my DC asked to do that I would explain that they are busy and it is not a good time. And if they then went and watched them out of their windows, I would be finding them something more constructive to do!

franklymydear · 31/08/2009 21:42

I'd like to thank you for the delightfully interesting thread - was beginning to give up the ghost on this place. But this was the most perfect representation of good trolling (even if it's true) I've seen in many a fora.

I'm sure it's all true but the masterful manipulation - start a contentious thread, leave it alone to build, feed a little, feed a little

perfect - a masterpiece

and on that night it's bedtime for me

Thunderduck · 31/08/2009 21:44

2 more children would make a difference, even if there were already 8.

The 8 were family for a start. And the mother may have been preparing lunch for everyone. Add in a neighbour's two and she either has to feed them,meaning finding extra food and put in extra effort, or send them home while everyone else eats, which would make her look like a meanie too.

There's nothing wrong with wanting family time. It's not something I'd expect people to knowingly intrude upon.

carelesswhispers · 31/08/2009 21:44

sorry i meant would NOT have been a huge problem

MrsWeasley · 31/08/2009 21:45

I have 4 children and they regularly get invited out or friends ask to come and play but you know sometimes the children just want to play in without anyone else, other than family. They want to do their own thing!

Also when I have other, non family, children around I feel I have a certain obligation to keep an eye on them and I wouldn't for example have a drink. If your neighbour was having a chat and a glass of wine then maybe she didnt feel comfortable keeping an eye on others IYSWIM.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/08/2009 21:48

To be fair carelesswhispers, this isn't the same thing at all...

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 21:48

DS didn't knock on the door, Dh asked over fence if he could joinin the game in the garden.

We really do not harras this family or make huge demands. we are ver busy often out and often have people around ourselves. we just occasionally think it's OK for our kids to invite thier kids over, and thought it would be Ok for our kid to join in with their kids in a game in the garden.

This seems fine to me.

neighbours are fundemenatlly unsociablr I think

OP posts:
superduperminder · 31/08/2009 21:49

"DS didn't knock on the door, Dh asked over fence if he could joinin the game in the garden."

That's ok then!!!! Are you for real?