To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

[MrsBarbaraKingstanding]

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

Here:

'By MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 21:30:44 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

My children ask evry few weeks at the most. and went months recentky (befor the summer)without asking at all.

They've proably playde together twice this summer, I don't think the no family time, privavct invasion, constant and every time fit this scanario at all.'

Here:

'By MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 22:28:14 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

Ripeberry they do come to mine rarely hers, they always get invited here.'

And here:

'By MrsBarbaraKingstanding Tue 01-Sep-09 07:53:43 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

Posie you never called for friends to play?

Ok, I'm going to shout cover your ears if you don't like it bt I feel it's necesaary as ofetn repated points are being ignored and then used to beat me with a big stick with:

IT IS'NT 'ALL THE TIME'. IT IS 1/2 A MONTH.

IT IS NOT 'CONSTANT'. SEE ABOVE.

WE INVITE THEM HERE, THEY ARE NEIETHER EXPECTED TO ENTERATIN, AMUSE OR FEED MY CHILDREN.

THID IS ABOUT MORE THAN JUST THE COUSINS INCIDENT.

i UNSERDTAND PEOPLE CAN SAY NO. I WOULD SAY NO MYSELF IF INCONVENIENT, IT IS THE REPEATED SAYING NO WHICH IMPLIES TO ME A SNUB OR COLD SHOULDREING WHICH SLIGHTLY HU8RTS MY FEELINGS.

PLEASE STOP SUGGESTING WE ARE HARRASSING THESE PEOPLE BY ON OCCASION INVITING THIER CHILDREN TO PLAY AND THEN ASKING IF DS COULD JOIN IN A GAME OVER THE FENCE.

welcome back OP , I hope you appreciate the bashing I took for sticking up for you while you were away. Got accused of being the type to waltz into my neighbour's toilet and all sorts.
I don't think yabu and I think that lots of people use "manners and boundaries" as an excuse to be stand-offish and unsociable.

Gomez, that was not really for your benefit I hastnen to add, but just to illustrate I have covered that point numerous times, but it's been ignored along woith many oyher points I've made and claified, which have been ignored and responsde to with

'you're ABVVVU, entertain your own kids, I bet they're sick of you' type responses.

Which if enough poele say it, even though it's based on incorrect assumptions, is apparenbtly right. and they cna therfore be as nasty and insulting as they want becaus someone like me who asks to play over afence gets what they deserve. Obviously.

Is it at all possible you are taking this thread just a leeeetle too seriously?

Repeating over and over and over again is a bad sign.

You asked, lots of people think YABU for being miffed.

Much appreciated roundedgdes[smiles] you, and the others who even if they disgareed with me did not indicate I am a social pariah who should be beaten with big sticks for making my neighbours lives a living nightmare.

Much appreciated.

hmmm well i think YABU still on the cousins front. It is disheartening doing all the inviting and being rejected. not sure what your neighbours problem is but she clearly doesn't want her kids round yours all the time. I can understand being miffed when invitations are rejected but just move on. If DS is pining by a window for 2 hours i would still have taken him somewhere else and offered and alternative to watching next door have fun.

Also - stop inviting them round and start inviting others round and when the kids next door ask to play be gracious and say 'of course - the more the merrier'.

Yes I am indeded taking it far too seriously Morloth. I should really do somehing else.

But the slagging me off for things that I had repeatededly stated were not true has kind of got to me.

I am obviously a very strange sensitive being all around what with so easily feeling snubbed and hurt by insults an all.

Dandy where did I say it was not family time?

It was not a 'do' or 'event' or 'occasion' as has been used to describe it. Although I guess we could argue the toss over whethet having your cousins to play is an 'event' or not. I guess that varies for people.

And i think you will find in my OP, and many other times, that I astated and accpeted we had differnt attitudes, I have never stated she was unrasonbale, just expressed my own disppointment and hurt feelings.

I expteced some poele would agree with her, and actaully thought hearing thier views would help me understand her thinking which is differnt to mine.

I did not expted the level of vitriol, the nastiness and accustaions of trollig howver.

Wow, this is still going on!
The more I readthe more I think the OP is not being unreasonable.

Only read the OP and the next couple of pages but i would say UABU based on the fact your dp asked if your child could play.

To me that's a bit weird and i would wait to be invited - seems socially awkward to ask as it makes it difficult for someone to say no - although fair play to your neighbours as they did say no!! When your children call for them it is to invite them to play at yours (if i read correctly?)

I don't understand why you can't appreciate their children and cousins may have just wanted to play together on their own? I would not (and have not) allowed my children or (dp!) to call round if my neighbours have family round as it is their time and if no invite has been extended i presume it's because we aren't invited!!

Ok dandy, well to me it's not a 'do' every time family come around.

A 'do' implies a special event, but I accpet people will interpret that differntly.

Thanks Franca.

I think in my friensd mind, as with mnay on here, I may have overstepped the mark, due to our differnt perceptions, and she may well be slightly miffed with me. I am quite confident howvere that she does not think I'm the nieighbur from hell suggested on here. As am I.

Hi OP - I'm just wondering - now plenty of people have had their say on what a terrible person you are having committed the greatest social faux pas of all and apparently being the 'worst type' of neighbour, if anyone has offered any sensible advice?

I have just tried to read through the last 300+ posts (although i admit to scanning a little by the end) and nowhere does it seem to touch on the complex relationship between yourself and your neighbour. It would appear that on some levels you have developed a mutual friendship and she seems to be giving you mixed signals which would seem to be the problem - not this one occasion with the cousins. In fact, whilst this was your initial post, it seems almost irrelevant as a single incident.
I wonder if at any of the social events you attend with neighbour if she appears to relax more would be easier to talk to about these issues. I know having kids is a minefield and i have risked losing longterm friendships by giving off confusing signals without meaning to and it was only because these were long term close friends that we saved the friendship. I would suggest you get closer to this mum at the events and possible try for the occasional glass of wine in the evenings to warm the relationship between you - then when the time feels right, ask about the kids. I hope it works out for you because neighbours are permanent and it is lovely for the kids to have friends so close.

Failing that, get plastered together then it'll be much easier to discuss!!

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel miffed, MrsBKS - your DS is feeling left out and a bit hurt and we all take that to heart.

But nor do I think your neighbour is being unreasonable - she does get to decide if she wants another child over to play or not and if she wants the cousins to play without other children that is her prerogative.

I would think she was being unreasonable if you were pulling your weight with sharing the visits at your respective houses and she was constantly saying no but perhaps even there there might be dynamics you don't know about - e.g. her DCs being overwhelmed and wanting to socialise with other children too.

roundededges , i am glad you finally got the recognition you deserve
it only took 16 pages but you got it in the end { im feeling ignored now ]

op - i really think this whole thread has been a bit rough on you , i personally don't think asking if your ds could join in the fun was out of order , hope you enjoyed your BBQ ,

MrsBarbaraKingstanding With the greatest respect, it seems that you have made such a big issue about this to your son. Because you feel they are being 'mean', you have transferred it onto your son. Thus he will feel that when another child is busy and can't play with him, he will automatically translate as being 'that child does not like me'.

She may not want your child in her house. That is fine. She may not want your child playing with her family. That is also fine.

Please don't put your interpretation of the siutation onto your child. You do seem like quite a sensitive soul.

Make your son see it another way, tell him it doesn't matter and keep him preoccupied.

We can never be in control of other people's feelings or actions but we can turn our feelings around into something positive. Difficult, I know.

Good luck X

Madcatz and stillstanding I thnk you've both hit the nail somewhat.

It is complex, she has started coming out and coming to things I invite her to and seems to like this and enjoy it. I get the feeling she wants to me more socialable and we are getting quite close, and then I feel the shutters go down almost and she's distant again, and I do feel a bit hurt. As here.

My impression is she wants to be friends and be sociable (generally not just with me) but seeems to fid it difficult somehow.

But this is only my impression.

Even though I am sociabl I still do feel hurt if I perceieve I've been shunned.

Footinmouth in what way do I give the impression I have made this a big deal to my son???

(but I am a sensitive soul, increasingly)

Special mention for carelesswhisper, I wouldn't be here without her (I'd be cowering in a corner crying at my realistion I'm a social pariah and I never realised it till MN pointed it out). Thank you.

I think it is up to your neighbour who she wants in her house and when. I t might not feel nice to you or your son but that is life. I think that when this situation appears, you should definitely not let your son look at them play aout and wish he was there but find a way to make him ocupied enough not to feel left out that much IYSWIM?

And a special award to madcatz for reading the thread! A great and rare acheivemnet indeed.

I do SWYM gorionine, and don't worry would handle the situation differnt in the future ie won't ask, and if ds asks and refuses, I will make sure I know where he is in the house to ensure he is not gazing out the window.