To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

[MrsBarbaraKingstanding]

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

To answer the original AIBU, I think YABU to be miffed on this particular occasion (neighbours not wanting your DC to come over when cousins are there), as your neighbour is entitled to say no on any occasion.

I would probably say no if I was hosting a family party (or another party made up of a different group), particularly if the DCs didn't see their cousins (or the members of that group) often, as seeing the cousins is the reason for hosting the party.

Re some of the subsequent issues that have arisen:

1. I think YANBU to ask the neighbours' DCs around from time to time, especially if they say yes most (60%) of the time.

1. I think it would be YABU to be upset or miffed if they say "no, thank you", at any point, whether it is 40% of the time or 98% of the time, as they are entitled to say no.

1. I think YABU to "look behind" any reasons they give you for saying no, as it is possible to be busy in the sense that the neighbours' DCs just want to play on their own sometimes, and they are being polite in giving you any reason, anyway.

1. I think YABU to categorise the neighbours as "anal controlling anti social people" for exercising their right to accept or reject an invitation to play - surely you wouldn't want them to come around if they were only coming around because they felt that they couldn't say no?

It appears to me that people are not so much flaming you as trying to explain why, in their opinion, your neighbours are being reasonable, so please don't feel that you are being personally attacked.

Sorry re the long response, but this thread has developed so much that there now seem to be a lot of questions being asked!

You can't draw conclusions as to what I would do based on what I say I would allow at my house. No I wouldn't mind my neighbour asking to use my loo. If I was desperate enough to need to ask to use their toilet my neighbour wouldn't mind either (but I do have a potty and several buckets so things would have to be truly awful for me to need to do that), but then we know each other well and get on. I wouldn't however "waltz" into anyone's house, I am aware of social protocol. I was just saying what I would allow.
I feel for you fimbo, that sounds like a nightmare. My dd is always asking to have her friends over and sometimes I have to say no - like when I had swine flu. Once you've said no once, it will get easier. I do tend to give people a reason why though, so they don't get miffed or take it personally. I wouldn't send my dc along with the answer.

just me two penn'oth here (and not particulary directed at the OP) - mine are now 15 and 12 so thankfully over the stage of me having to supervise and arrange playdates (hate that expression - glad they weren't called that a few years ago). But we did have one girl in our road (same classat school as DD1) who used to invite herself here all the time (Fimbo - take note here and finish growing a pair ) Now I am a most laid back, and if I say so myself, generous person and I always said that it was fine for this particular little madam child to come in. But it got to such a stage that we couldn't go out without her watching for us to come back home and she'd be asking to come in before we'd even got out of the car. If the kids were playing out and I called mine in for tea she would always ask if she could join us. I would sometimes go without so that she could have my meal (I know, I know !!!) but in the end I had to put a stop to it as it turned out that DD2 was always being sidelined by our 'guest' and now years later my DDs ask why I didn't just tell her to bog off .

So I suppose what I'm saying is that anyone who does make a stand and says no, for whatever reason, is doing the best for THEIR family - I wish I had, instead of being afraid to hurt another child's feeelings

To be quite honest I could be your neighbour. We have kids come to call and sometimes, if I've planned a quiet afternoon, am busy doing something, am tired I say no. Sometimes, actually most of the time, I like family time, and if a neighbour popped their head over the fence and asked if their kid could join in a family event I'd probably say no too!!!

Just because you (the OP) likes an 'open house' doesn't mean that people who don't are unfriendly/unsociable.

I think that the OP needs to respect the neighbours boundaries.

I can feel a group hug coming on!

I want one and if anyone says no, i will stamp my feet

We have a pretty much open door policy with one of our neighbours regarding the children playing. Our kids are constantly round theirs and theirs round ours. They have a great time and it is much easier on everyone imho. The only time I draw the line is if They come round very late when mine are winding down for the night, if we are about to go out or have food. I wouldn't have the heart to turn a child away while all the others were playing.

I don't always let my neighbour's kids in. Sometimes I don't feel like it. Sometimes I don't want someone else's kids around. It can actually get annoying if they are always coming round.

Claw3 I'm all for a hug, and if your kids ever want to play at my house just ask!!!

have only read the OP but maybe the neighbour is sick of your kids coming round? maybe they come around too often and you dont return the invite often enough? Maybe she just wants some time just her and her own kids? are your kids expecting fed or something?

my mum's old neighbour used to kick her kids out all day and go and play golf with her hubby and expect my mum and other neighbours to babysit/feed etc.

Perhaps the mum just likes having her own children around. I much prefer it with just our 3, but I make supreme effort inviting others here (doesn't mean I enjoy cleaning up after 10 chidlren though).

Does she work? maybe she enjoys rare time at home with them.

I hate having kids in to play, even out the back, thankfully if it is dry they go to the park. There are times we are doing stuff be it Mario cart on the wii or a bit of gardening and I don't want some other kids in too.

Sorry but YABU its up to her.

Mrsbarbara - you're very quiet today. Don't take this thread to heart!

I've had your 'mumsnet parallel universe' feeling many times too

"They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden" - that sounds perfectly OK to me! I am very happy to have neighbours children round but sometimes I think it is good for my children to amuse themselves within the family unit, to chill out without other children around. I think you have to respect the parent's wishes, and let your DSs know that they aren't being rejected, but that all families are different and have different rules about when people can and cannot come to play. There could be all sorts of reasons which you need to respect, and you need to be careful that your children don't pick up on any bad feeling that you may have as a result of this .

Perhaps at least some of the 40% of times when the neighbour DCs "aren't allowed" to play it is because the DCs don't want to - however much they enjoy playing with the OP's children sometimes? I've spent many a happy hour telling children who have knocked for DD that she can't play out because SHE didn't want to and was absolutely awful at saying "no,thanks,not today" when asked.(And some of her friends were incredibly persistent,and wouldn't take no for an answer without detailed action plans of why DD wouldn't play and what she would be doing instead...but 6 years on they are still friends)
We are all a bit introvert and not very sociable - and the DCs did sometimes need just to play quietly at home,or meltdown ensued.
It does sound as if the neighbour does enjoy and appreciate the social events she goes to with the OP,but doesn't feel that her social life includes commitment for the 2 families to be as close as the OP does.

Rounded - i am way past the gin stage, this thread is never ending, i have started to gouge my eyes with rusty forks!

'Bangs head on wall and then hides thread whilst hiding behind closed curtains from the kids next door who are banging on the door AGAIN'

I think YABU - i am always shattered after having people over to play with DS. I feel like i am always on my feet and making sure everyone is okay and supervised. Sometimes it just isn't convenient.

It is also interesting that you said you had a much free-er childhood playing out with your friends but you won't allow your DS to do this so will only ask the neighbour. you are putting limits on what he can do and tehn getting miffed when your neighbour chooses to exercise her right as to put limits on what her DC do.

You shouldn't have asked when family were around - you should have offered your DS an alternative of playing with you. 'Next door hav family round so we can't bother them - let's go to the park and see who is there'

I've been working away and overnight last night so just come back to this.

I'll just answer a few final points, and then try to leave this as the unpleasantness directed at me, I feel is unjustified and really rather upsetiing.
But:

I am able to ignore many of the responses on here because they have not read the thread, all my explanations and have misunderstood the situation and the wider context, and have made some quite vitriolic responses based on wrong assumptions.

(suggesting my kids are always around at her house etc, always asking to go in, neighbour expectde to amuse kids, it was family party/event etc).

These are not the facts.

The facts are in the thread and witin my responses and if anyone is actually intersted in making a full and fair assessmnet of the sitation I'd suggest you bother to read that.

My children occasionally ask the children next door to play HERE AT MY HOUSE. I feel my neighbour wih whom I'm friendly is luke warm about this due to her frequent refusal for reasons unclear to me.

A feeling of being snubbed or cold shouldered is human and natural and I do not beleive I am unreasonable to feel that, I would be unreasonable if I insisted my persoanl expectations were met. I have not done this, merely unwisely, expressed my mild upset on an AIBU thread.

Also, another pieceof information which I have not mentioned, we have a gate beteween our gardens, that was there histriaclly, so that when the children have played they are able to go between each others gardens freely. When both sets of children have been playing in the garden we have (on occasion)invited theirs through the gate to play and they have at times done this and it's been very nice. So when group of children, who were couins, were playing a fun sounding game (it was not a party, event or occasion) it didn't seem unaresonable to us when DS siad he's like to play to see if he could go over through the gate and join in with the game in the garden.

I do accept that many of you have more rigid rules on this where if you have one 'set' of children around you would not allow another group or individual to join and I can understnd the argument that it may upset the dynamic in some situsations. Obviously my neighbour is more of the thinking of lots of you that 'if you're playing with your cousins you don't play with your neighbour.' fair enough. But I do refuse to accpet that it is such an outraously rude and disgraceful act that desreves the vitriol some of you have directedtowards me.

We are not rude people, we are not harrassing our neighbours, we have differnt expectations. I used the word 'miffed' in my title and OP, and beleive it's reasonable and natural to me miffed when sometone elses expectations are differnt, but, again as I said in my OP, I will accept it. Graciously.

graciously?

well that's a relief.

Why more nastiness?

Or, should be, why such nastiness?

I have not been nasty to be neighbour, why are you being nasty to me?

I have not been nasty to my neighbour, why are you being nasty to me?