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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 02/09/2009 13:11

i can't believe this thread is so long.
sorry.
i am bored with it.

should have just ignored the thread.

i can't believe you are for real.

will sit on my hands now

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 13:19

Well I have not contributed to it for over 24hours so the length of the threadis hardky reason to attack me.

and 'i can't believe you are for real.' is juts more nastiness. Indiacting my feelings or miffness, and actions of my kids occasioanlly inviting the kids next door to play, and asking if my DS can join in with a game in thier garden, are so appallig as to be unbeleiveable, and myself so diagrecelful to tyr to defend such utter crassness?

Do you honestly beleive I deserve this level of nastiness? Becuase I find that hard to accpet tbh.

OP posts:
hmc · 02/09/2009 13:38

Having a bad day Slarty?

superduperminder · 02/09/2009 13:45

Dismissing people's opinions by saying we haven't read the thread is a little insulting tbh.

iliketurquoise · 02/09/2009 13:51

and i saw some posts here like; 'maybe they dont like you' or 'maybe they dont like your children'. i found those very raw.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 13:51

I'm dismissing the opinions of those who evidently hadn't read the thread as their assumptions were false and had been addressed earlier.

And there are many of those on here actually.

I do not have the time to address each false asumption individually and had tried to straightened out many of these ealier on.

OP posts:
scroobiuspirate · 02/09/2009 13:52

oh god, i'm going to have to say this,

on the 'cousins' occasion, how do you know that they weren't all over in some sort of anniversary of an important family matter? Were the adults were indoors, perhaps could have been discussing putting so an so into a care home, or a family member's illness, or anything. What i am trying to say, in a cackhanded way, is maybe they just wanted family, for that few hours, for whatever reason.

for that reason, yabu, to be miffed.

Sassybeast · 02/09/2009 13:53

You asked if you had been unreasonable. Lots of people think you have been unreasonable. Why are you struggling so much with that concept? You have made various derogatory assumptions about people being unfriendly and unsociable because thay have disagreed with you. Your poor neighbour does not want to live in your pocket. I don't want to live in my neighbours pockets and I don't want their kids living in mine. You are at risk of becoming a little obsessive about wanting this woman to like you when it's clear to me that she erm doesn't. Back off, accept that she does things differently and think about what you are teaching your children about respecting other peoples feelings and boundaries. If the rest of your neighbours and friends operate the open door policy, then there really is no reason for your little boy to be upset for 2 hours.

'Hiding thread again firmly and going off line'

gomez · 02/09/2009 14:00

Having read this thread with bemusmement I am now confused - are you miffed that generally (cousin occasion aside)

Scenario 1 : your children are asking the neighbours children into your garden to play and they are don't want to come OR

Scenario 2: that your children are asking to go into your neighbours garden to play and are being refused?

I ask because I have read this whole thread on the basis of scenario 2 as I think from the majority of posts, most people have. But if the situation is scenario 1, then you might I think have got a different response.

pigletmania · 02/09/2009 14:05

Like I said MrsB, if this neighbour is also a friend mabey you could talk to her if you are able to. Unfortunately a lot of people have rules about when family is a round, and when i was younger and my cousins visited i would just like to play with them as i did not see them often, if a child/(n) from the neighbourhood knocked on the door and asked to play i would say i would play with thhem later. Mabey keep inviting their children to play for your sons sake and dont care a jot if they dont get invited there. Mabey they could go to a neutural ground like a park or green. I am sorry if i was being a bit short with you MrsB, i was writing quickly as i have a 2.6 year old who is going throught the terrible twos and just wanted to get down what i wanted to say.

bamboostalks · 02/09/2009 14:09

Am with the op really. What is the big deal about a small child popping his head over and asking if he can join in a game? Why is that 'incredibly rude?' I think that some people have really grasped the wrong end of the stick here and are bashing op for no reason.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 14:12

gomez, on the cousin occasion we asked if DS could go and play in thier garden, on all other occasions my DS's have invited their children here.

I have said this several times, but I think it seems confusing as many replies have assumed diffrent various scenarios and replied accordingly.

sassybeat with your 'back off and she doesn't like you' comments you evidently are one of those who has not read all the thread, this has been said before, and I have explained that it is more complex than this as I organise mnay social activities that neighbour comes to because I involve her, and I would not wish to stop this as it would them seem like I was snubbing her.

But I am repeating myself agian. All this is addressed eralier in the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 14:14

Pigletmania, I agree with you, I may bring it up if I can do so casually, amybe whilkst walking to school or someting.
Maybe ask 'I hope the boys haven't intrudede this holiday' or someting?

OP posts:
iliketurquoise · 02/09/2009 14:15

agree with bamboostalks.

diddl · 02/09/2009 14:20

If it´s OK to ask over the fence if you can join in a neighbour´s family do that you haven´t been to,why is it not then OK to accept the answer no-without being miffed about it?

MrsKarlKennedy · 02/09/2009 14:22
gomez · 02/09/2009 14:23

Thanks MrsBK - I have read the thread and honestly it only became clear with your first post today that your children were inviting her children to play in your garden generally.

ninagleams · 02/09/2009 14:24

YANBU when I was a kid we used to climb through the fences on either side of the garden and play with the children in each of the houses. As long as your child knows that they should go home to be fed and watered unless offered and you don't let them overstay their welcome I don't think there's a real problem. It seems a bit mean to me- neighbours are just as important to children as cousins and adult exclusion is a bit sad.

bamboostalks · 02/09/2009 14:30

Sorry! My mistake, have read the whole thread though! Still think there is real problem, don't know why people think this is the faux pas of the year.

MrsKarlKennedy · 02/09/2009 14:33

it's great reading isn't it?! Do you want some popcorn?

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 15:02

Gomez I do belive I shouted very loudly yesterday that my kids ask her kids here generally when they ask, which is not constantly, not all the time, infact approx once a month maybe.

I could find it and other posts where I've stated this and been ignored, and poeple weighed in with 'she doesn't have to entertain your kids' and 'leave the woman and her family alone' type responses, but am am unusre whether it would take more time to do that or just to keep repeating myself.

It was not a family do Didl, it was cousins playing in the garden. I did in my first post today accept that for some there is a clear rule that if playing with cousins you'd never have the kid next door in your garden as well, and that obviously my neighbour is of this view.

I have a less clear cut view of this as I often have frinds and family here at the smae time, all the kids playing together.

I accpet the differing views ,but I do not accepet the level of vitriol this has created and thesuggestions that I am an utterly obnoxious vile type person that many of you would despise to live next door to.

Which is also in the thread if anyone wants to read all of it.

particuarly when much of this nastiness directde at me is based on faslse assumptions which already been addressed earlier in the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 15:21

Here:

By MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 20:55:43 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

My Ds's ask occasionally, maybe once every 2/3 weeks. And went for a long while without asking as I got the impression it was unwanted. they always ask if next doors kids want to come and play here, and usualy play here but have playde three a coule of times.

(bold I have edited)

OP posts:
Pikelit · 02/09/2009 15:32

Pass the Pringles.

Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 15:33

And here:

By MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 21:01:07 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

Can I reiterate:

On the occasions they have played it has 90% been here. we always invite them here and they have a really lovely time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 02/09/2009 15:34

And Here:

By MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 21:18:19 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

many of you are ignoring the facts.

They are not calling to play 'all the time'

Once every 2 weeks AT THE MOST.

When they cal they invite them HERE.

Approx 40/50% they are told no. So actually play AT MY HOUSE, about once a month. Proably less.

Mine have proabbaly played at neighbours about 4/5 times in 3/4 years, so I am not making hude child care demands, or time demnads on my nieghbor, or eating into huge amounts of her family time.

OP posts: