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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2009 14:21

I think it´s really rude to pop your head over a fence and ask if your child can join in a private party/family gathering.
If they had wanted him there they would have asked!

As for letting the poor boy sit staring out of the window for two hours!

claw3 · 01/09/2009 14:26

Roundededges - Its not rude if that is the sort of relationship you have with your neighbours.

If i quite like the look of the burger you are eating, would it be rude of me to ask for a bite?

Just because you want something, doesnt mean you are entitled to ask (well without it being considered rude) and even less entitled to feel a little miffed if you say no.

roundededges · 01/09/2009 14:33

Why can't you ask? How is that rude? Anyone is welcome to a bite of my burger if they want it. What is wrong with you lot???!!!

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 01/09/2009 14:35

YABVU We once had neighbours with a dd same age as mine. She was forever calling round/popping head over fence to ask to play. It was CONTINUOUS and drove me round the bend, dd got totally fed up with her. Most times it was fine, but sometimes not (including family gatherings). Her family were much like the OP - they just couldn't understand that some people need their own privacy and own space.

roundededges · 01/09/2009 14:39

I agree there is a time and a place, but the kids were playing a game in the garden and op's ds wanted to join in. It wasn't as if it was a solemn family occasion or a funeral. What's wrong with wanting to join in with some fun? my ex neighbour's kids used to look over our fence and want to join in all the time? It wasn't rude!

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 01/09/2009 14:46

One person's 'join in the fun' is another person's (like grumpy old me) gatecrashing, though.

Would you see a wedding party going on and think, oh, I fancy a bit 'o that?

Wouldn't dream of inviting self or dcs over if neighbour/close friend/whoever had OTHER friends or family round. 'Tis Not Done.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 14:54

Burger was a bad example as i now dont want a bite, i hate them!! fish sounds lovely though

Its rude, if you dont have an 'open' house understanding with your neighbour, because it is very one sided. However if you and your neighbour have the kind of understanding where you and your kids pop in and out of each others houses, its not.

superduperminder · 01/09/2009 14:55

That's fine roundedges, I do understand where OP is coming from...but...

yes, the children were playing in the garden but if they wanted another child there, they would have invitied him beforehand.

I just cannot see why OP is miffed at that - sorry I really can't!

I have regular playdates with a child opposite us - they are very good friends, we walk to school together, kids are the same age etc etc. BUT we always pre-arrange our playdates, and if she said she was busy, but then had her children playing in the garden, it would not even enter my head to think she was snubbing me.

MissAnnesley · 01/09/2009 14:55

Agree re. Not Done but even if it is the Done-est thing on the planet the point is that here you have a history of your ds getting knocked back so why do you continue to set him up for a fall? YOU have to take charge of the situation not sit around being U and watching your child be made sad it's NOT your neighbour's fault.

One thing I find is that I can work / get stuff done while my own children play but an "outside" child needs monitoring / more attention. I feel free to be mentally absent while my children play. If they hurl themselves off balconies or set one another on fire that's fine. With someone else's child I have to be on duty. I can't bear that.

roundededges · 01/09/2009 14:57

I guess we all just work differently. I'm a "the more the merrier" type and yes, if it was MY family gathering, and someone wanted to come round and "didn't ask because they didn't want to intrude" I'd feel bad. I can fully accept that other people don't work this way. I still don't think it's "rude" to ask, it's just that you don't like to have to say no because of how that makes you look / feel.
"tis not done" GBP you sound like my gran (who was very lovely but very proper).

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 01/09/2009 15:02

Ah yes roundedges I am beginning to feel more Gran-like by the day. Am Bastion of Moral Rectitude, me

MissAnnesley · 01/09/2009 15:05

Gran-like is good.

People are too blunt and want-y these days.

I believe in saying it to your face / if you want something ask for it / etc. Over-confident children, etc. Annoying.

Morloth · 01/09/2009 15:06

I think perhaps the OP is presuming a level of friendship with her neighbour that just isn't there on the other side.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 15:07

Round - Some have the 'open' house approach, others dont.

The point being it has to be mutual, if its not then it is rude.

Casserole · 01/09/2009 15:09

OP, you asked a question - AYBU?

The vast, vast majority of respondents have responded by saying yes, you are.

How about taking a moment to wonder why you have asked a question that you seem completely incapable of accepting the answer to?

pooexplosions · 01/09/2009 15:21

Rounded, thats your opinion, please stop implying that everyone else has some kind of problem if they think differently, its incredibly rude to keep saying "whats wrong with you people".

For all we know the OP's children are complete horrors and the neighbour would rather poke out their eyes than have them over to play (not saying thats true at all, but we don't know is the point) Some people just aren't good with other peoples children, they find them awkward and hard work. Or they value their own family time.

It doesn't matter why they don't want them there, the point is the complete lack of respect for their opinion on the matter. They did not make the OP's kid feel bad, she did by not teaching him that he can't go anywhere or do everything he wants, and expecting to always be welcome everywhere. Thats not real life and the sooner he (and she) learns that, the better off they will be.

Horton · 01/09/2009 15:33

I agree with all the people who are saying it is unreasonable. If neighbour's kids were playing alone in the garden, absolutely fine to knock on the door and ask if they want to come round to yours. Not okay to invite yourself round, nor to ask to join in someone else's party. And definitely not okay to lean over the fence at any time unless you have that kind of relationship which it sounds like you most definitely don't. A garden is private space and you have the right not to have other people invading it unless you've specifically indicated that that is all right with you. I feel really sorry for the OP's neighbour. I have to say that I would find it enormously stressful living next door to someone who had such a different take on personal boundaries. But then I am another grumpy antisocial bastard.

CyradisTheSeer · 01/09/2009 15:50

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CyradisTheSeer · 01/09/2009 15:52

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roundededges · 01/09/2009 16:04

I think the whole attitude is rather sad. It wasn't a bithday party. If it had been our house and our cousins and our neighbour asking if their son could join in it would have been fine. I wouldn't have thought them rude to ask. And as for the "if they want you there they will invite you", just because I haven't invited someone around doesn't mean I don't want them there. You all sound very warm and welcoming. Enjoy your private spaces.

pooexplosions · 01/09/2009 16:17

Roundededges; do you have any concept of OTHER PEOPLE, and the fact that they think differently to you? You are one way, whatever works for you, others aren't. Do you never look at anything from other peoples point of view?

I imagine you are a nightmare to live next to.

Morloth · 01/09/2009 16:27

If I haven't invited someone then that does mean I don't want them at the gathering (doesn't matter why), because if I wanted them there I would have invited them.

Horton · 01/09/2009 16:28

How does it being a birthday party or not make any difference? And how do you know it wasn't, anyway? It might have been one of the adult's birthdays.

roundededges · 01/09/2009 16:30

did I not say I guess we all work differently? I was saying I wouldn't mind if someone asked if their child could come and play with mine. I wouldn't think it was rude? I said I didnt think it was wrong to ask if you want something but Also that people are allowed to say no. You are launching an attack without reading the threads properly Poo. And fwif I actually get on very well with my neighbours and always have!!!!

And UGH!!

Fimbo · 01/09/2009 16:31

Well roundedeges (sorry got your name wrong earlier) I wish those balls I was talking about earlier had grown this afternoon.

Bang bang on the door about 3 this afternoon. Dd had gone out to play with the dc over the way, ds is not allowed out today as he pushed dd yesterday and hurt her. I was having a fine afternoon, sorting uniforms out etc for next week as we are away at the weekend. I had told dd that no-one was to come in today including the garden, as although ds was being punished it wouldn't really be fair for him to see them playing and he couldn't join in. At the door is dd's best friend, looking for dd (her mother is a cleaner on my estate), no word she was coming, I did say dd wasn't there but she looked crestfallen so I offered to go and get her. DD and her friends come back, I then feel obligated to have them all in my garden as I couldn't send the other girl over to someone's house who the other mother doesn't know. So I end up with them in my garden which I normally don't mind and the kids across the way are here 90% of the time anyway. I had to stop what I was doing in order to supervise, as somehow I always feel responsible having other children in, as a previous poster said when it is your own children you are a bit more lax. Then I gave them drinks and went into the garage on the pretext I was going to garden, next thing they have all traipsed inside to get more drinks. Then the girl who turned up decides to hold a burping competition (she is 11). I told them off! (balls slightly growing there, might be at the stumpy stage now). The girl has just gone as her mother told her to come back to the house she was cleaning at 4.30. Now I am hot and bothered and ds is upset as he could hear them in the garden and wasn't allowed out.

So if you got through that marathon post, what I am trying to say is, all my not seem how it is, you shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Now I have the rest of them in my garden until we have tea at about 6.30.

Bah, I was going to do so much today too.

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