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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

417 replies

MrsBarbaraKingstanding · 31/08/2009 20:35

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 01/09/2009 11:39

Oh by the way i am not just some anal antisocial person, 8/10 i would allow my daughters friends over to play, just put yourself in the OP's shoes. MrsB if she is a friend and not just a neighbour, why dont you talk to her if its bothering you.

CyradisTheSeer · 01/09/2009 12:09

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diddl · 01/09/2009 12:12

OK, YABU to be miffed at your son not being allowed to play when they have guests staying over.

And TBH, if the neighbours children are playing happily and don´t want your children there also, that´s also up to them.
You can´t expect thenm to play with your child(ren) if they don´t want to.

DandyLioness · 01/09/2009 12:13

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pigletmania · 01/09/2009 12:27

Yes i do agree with Cydris, it is rude of the OP husband to stick his head over the fence and ask, a bit intrusive thats why we have fences to maintain a bit of privacy. The OP should seriously talk to her neighbour/friend she does sound a bit upset really. A family gathering is a family gathering it should be private unless invited. Mabey the neighbours children just wanted to play with their cousins and not any other children at the time it might spoil the dynamic.Iwould say no if we were having a family gathering and my dds friends wanted to play round at ours.

Fortunately for us, our neighbours have teenage or grown up kids and my dd is only 2.6 years so dont have that problem yet.

Overmydeadbody · 01/09/2009 12:35

YABU. Very unreasonable.

And, quite frankly, extremely rude to ask over the fence if your DS na go and join in on a private family get-together!

You have no right to be miffed.

Overmydeadbody · 01/09/2009 12:42

OP I don't see why you see it as a snub if sometimes when your DSs want to play their mum says "no they are busy and you then see them playing alone?!

Do you really think playing alone doesn't count as busy?

Maybe her children just don't like your children very much? Or maybe she doesn't like your children very much?

Either way, they are entitled to do that.

DandyLioness · 01/09/2009 12:49

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claw3 · 01/09/2009 12:49

MrsB - Im having trouble trying to see where you are coming from.

Do you and your neighbour have the kind of relationship where you and the kids are always popping in and out of each others houses, the kind of relationship where you can pop in unannounced at any time and if they are having dinner etc, they will just set another plate for you?

Are you extremely close friends?

If so i can see where you are coming from, if not, seems like you want this kind of relationship, but your neighbour doesnt.

sandcastles · 01/09/2009 12:51

Does it matter that her children play in her garden after she has refused a playdate?

Between my friends we do not need to give a reason for not wanting a playdate/to meet up, we simply say that it isn't a good day, or we don't want to do it.

We don't then go home/stay home & stay inside & not play/do anything!

She is allowed to say no & still let her children play in her garden!

Doesn't matter that you don't like it, in all fairness! That is your issue not hers!

Morloth · 01/09/2009 12:56

I had one of those free range childhoods and there were some Mums who were not so keen to have kids all over the place.

We either went somewhere else or asked and when told "No" went on. Some of these mums were friends of my mum, but I can't imagine her ever being miffed.

It would never have been any hassle because in any case kids were not allowed in houses in any case (if the weather was bad you generally stayed home).

I don't like a bunch of kids in my house. I am not keen on large numbers of children in any case. So while my DS goes on lots of playdates I don't automatically reciprocate at home. I will however invite other kids along if we are going somewhere.

Nothing worse than going to parties of people you aren't really that keen on, because you feel you have to in order to be polite, only to then have pressure applied for them to come to yours. It can get really complicated and unpleasant really quickly if you are not really wanting a "close" friendship.

MissAnnesley · 01/09/2009 12:59

This is insane.

If she invites your child in that's kind of her and great for him. Why should she have to allow people into her house whenever they want to go though?

I think it's important that you:

a. teach your child boundaries & help him to learn that people are entitled to privacy or to play alone or to be in their own garden etc and not necessarily want company. This will help him to have happy relationships without unreasonable expectations.

b. help your child if he does feel - it's your fault, not your neighbour's, if he sits staring at them forlornly for two hours. Any mother would offer distraction, alternative activities, etc, not allow that situation to grow. Poor lad.

He is your reponsibility, not hers.

Poor woman!

pooexplosions · 01/09/2009 13:05

I agree, poor woman! OP says thatwhen they ask to go in, half the time they say no they are busy and then they see them playing alone. Neighbour prob feels imposed on AND spied on! Maybe they just don't want to!
Why should you have to justify why you don't want other people in your house, adult or child? I would be appalled if my neighbour was talking about me like this.... perhaps they don't want your children in too often because they find you/them intimidating and frankly a little scary, what with demanding to play when they don't want to and then peering in at their garden when they are having a family get together!

pigletmania · 01/09/2009 13:09

Totally MrsAnsley, why does the OP let her son stare out of the window for 2 hours that just not right. If i were in that position i would gently say to my dd that they have family over and just want to play with their cousins and offer a distraction or take them to the park to play or something else. If your neighbour MrsB does not your kids to go round can they not play together somewhere else near like a park or green. They might be friends but you and your neighbour might not be as close as you think.

pigletmania · 01/09/2009 13:11

Surely your children have others friends that they can play with, your neighbours are not the only kids around the are they!

MissAnnesley · 01/09/2009 13:14

Also I would suggest that you don't send him round to play any more if he is getting "no" often. Tell him he can invite them to your house.

It's just plain good manners - my son is 10 and when he says "can I call in to X?" I still say "you can go and ask him does he want to come and play here, and if he invites you in instead, that's fine."

juuule · 01/09/2009 13:18

Piglet - op had 14 children at her house for a barbecue that afternoon so I don't think that her children were short of playmates that day. Not sure why the ds felt upset as if it had been my child I'm sure they would have been excited at the prospect of the barbecue and the other families coming in the afternoon and would probably have wanted to help prepare.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/09/2009 13:42

i am all for children playing with neighbours but sometimes you/your children want a bit of home time/peace away from them and just play at home or have family time (hence why parents say their children are in but busy)

MrsBarbra - you ABVU to expect your children to be able to go and play with neighbours when they have friends/family over already

even more so to then ignore your dc and let him play, looking sadly out of the window

surely he could have helped you sort out stuff for your own bbq with friends- so a few hours later he did have friends to play with

children need to learn to play by theirselves sometimes and also to learn that sometimes their friends want to play with other children - it is not the children being mean

shine - you sound a saint, and tbh this poor childs mum sounds like she knows you are about and wont see the 10yr out on streetsand expects you to look after her 10yr

its not fair on siblings to look after their younger sister every day of holidays, so not suprised that were getting annoyed - i think you need to tell the mum she needs to sort out childcare in holidays

DandyLioness · 01/09/2009 13:48

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hocuspontas · 01/09/2009 14:02

It's a real pleasure when your own children are playing really well together. They are 'busy' and certainly wouldn't want any interruptions or extras upsetting the dynamics.

Pikelit · 01/09/2009 14:09

It may appear as cold and hurtful but actually, all the evidence suggests that your neighbour doesn't want your children round very often. She would probably be horrified to discover that you are actually monitoring activities in order to disprove polite excuses of the "we're busy" variety. It does your dc no harm at all to learn that you don't invite yourself into other people's events but instead, wait to be invited. Or not.

roundededges · 01/09/2009 14:13

I don't think It's rude to ask over the fence if ds can join in. What is up with you lot, there is nothing wrong with asking if you want something! , Also it's ok for the neighbour to say no. I don't agree with her personally and I think it's a little sad, but she is allowed. Just as I don't think OP IBU for feeling miffed. We are all allowed our thoughts, feelings and opinions.

DandyLioness · 01/09/2009 14:15

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Morloth · 01/09/2009 14:16

I think it is a bit rude to ask if your kid can join in someone else's private family party actually.

superduperminder · 01/09/2009 14:20

Actually it is rude to look over someone's fence and ask if your child can join in.

Instead, why not teach your child to wait for an invite to avoid having to look out of a window sadly for 2 hours.