To not really want an unknown childminder at a day out with friends?

[whippet]

A small group of mums from school agreed to go out for a day together over summer to the beach. We all get on really well, have known each other for ages etc etc.

My friend who organised it e-mailed everyone the details and one of the mums has replied aying, "I can't make it, but I'm sending DD with her childminder"

I'm a bit about this.

• none of us know/ have met the childminder so it's going to make the day a bit awkward with a 'new person' in amongst a bunch of friends IYSWIM
• this wasn't meant just as a kids day out - it was a chance for us to meet/ chat/ have a laugh etc
• the 'DD' in question is a bit of a madam - bossy etc. I don't know how well the CM manages her behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

[BadgersArse]

rofla dn NOW she has to worry about teh au pairs MUM!!!!

[bigchris]

jesus at last post
someone has to drive aupair and both her kids?!
cheeky cow!

[bigchris]

i think shes reading this and winding you up further tbh

[Katisha]

I'm worried the au pair's mum will feel left out. Can she fit in the car too? And I expect the au pair has a boyfriend - not right to exclude him. Or his mate.

[Asana]

Oh please. Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

1. You don't much like your friend. Your choice.

1. You definitely don't like the DD. Your choice.

1. You'd rather not have the AP there. YANBU.

1. But then you don't want to be responsible for the friend's DD. YABU (see below as to why).

1. If you don't want to be responsible for the DD AND are not happy for your friend to send someone else who will, it means that, effectively, you have to uninvite the DD. Considering that she has probably been looking forward to this for a while, and you are not offering an alternative to the AP (eg offering to look after her), YABVVVU. Imagine how your own DC would feel if he/she was effectively uninvited because you could not go and no other "friend" was willing to assume responsibility for him/her.

1. The other points about the AP being Polish and like another child, the DD being spiteful, people who don't work outside the home not appreciating down-time etc were unnecessary. I'm sure you may be a nice enough person IRL but those bits make you sound xenophobic, mean and narrow-minded. On those points, YABVVU.

The latter bits about the mum now asking to send another child etc does not change any of the above.

That is all.

[Mummywhereisyourwillie]

Yes, the comment about those not working outside of the home made me cringe too. I mean it's a doddle being at home with three children - like a day at the seaside every day!

[rookiemater]

Why on earth should this womans DD be the OPs responsibility ?

Agree its a shame that the ladies DD can't go, but unfortunately when people work its a price that your DC has to pay. I know that my DS misses out on some outings etc but it would never occur to me to expect someone else to look after him for the day, besides I'm not sure we even know what age these children are, if they are under 5 she probably wouldn't be happy to have a full day away from her parents or carer.

I don't think the OP seems particularly xenophobic or narrow minded. The comments about the character of the ladies daughter were perhaps overly frankly worded, but thats it.

[superduperminder]

She hasn't been asked to take responsibility for the child - the AP will be doing that...

[hatesponge]

Have read whole thread, was mentally composing a long reply....then got to Asana's post which totally summed up my views

and to add for the record, I work - and would be bloody grateful if I got 27 days holiday a year! (I get 25 now, but in every other job have had 20....)

[KeepPassingTheOpenWindows]

It's beyond me why you can't ALL just have a nice day at the seaside without all this bitching. Especially as days off are so precious. You should make the most of them! What is the worst that could happen?

[Blondeshavemorefun]

an aibu by stealth!! can i just say that a cm isnt a polish ap!! sure that will get the cm's backs up - just as if you called her ap a nanny - they are completly different things!!!

part of me thinks yabu and rather rude then as i read all the posts i think your friend is being very unreasonable to ASSUME that you will want her ap there

sending requests via email/text is rude - if you want something you ring up and ask

do you actually like this friend? seems to me you dont

if you really dont want her dd or the ap, then just say there is no room in car as some of you are car sharing

does seem a bit weird that your friend arranges this, but then works

saying that, I have taken my charges to a party and stayed when mb HAD to work and changed her days

shit happenes

all the people there were mb freinds and i HOPE that none of them, thought bloody hell, its the nanny

ALL were polite and friendly

though i did make my own way there as can drive

[gagamama]

Her behaviour does seem bit weird (now the full situation has slowly been drip-fed!) Have you actually spoken to her? Are you sure she's not planning on meeting you all there a bit later on and just wants someone to get the kids there and have the AP to look after them in the meantime?

OTOH, maybe her DCs have been excited about the trip and now the mum can't make it and the AP doesn't have transport to get there herself, they're tagging along with the original scheduled trip. TBH that wouldn't bother me that much, but it's up to you if you're happy to facilitate that, and if you simply don't have room, that's surely reason enough.

[WidowWadman]

Oh dear, she's young, and then she's not even English and you've been asked to take her along on your precious day off? How rude.

In case the tone doesn't bring it across, I'm being sarcastic here.

Your postings don't make you seem like the sort of person I would want to hang out with all day.

[Stigaloid]

YAB totally U! Don't look at her as a 'childminder' but as another woman joining the group and make an effort - she could end up being a friend and you could all have a lovely day.

[TheBolter]

I thought at first you were BU. But as the thread's gone on it appears (as is so often the case with AIBU) there is more to this than meets the eye. In this instance, you and your mates are annoyed by your friend's piss-taking ways. This is no doubt one of the final straws.

You need to tackle the underlying problem if you are going to get peace on this matter. Getting funny about a Polish teenager coming on an outing with you is not actually the problem. (So don't take it out on her if she comes!) The problem is that your friend is being a pain in the arse opportunist - again.

My advice? Let this ONE occasion ride. But let it be the last. If someone pisses me off I often let things ride, because I know that the fact they've actually (often unknowingly) fallen so far down in my estimation is enough. No revenge or confrontation necessary. Unless it's a friend I REALLY care about, then words need to be said.

So you need to decide - is this friend a true friend? Do you care enough about the friendship? If so you need to clear the air and let her know how you feel. If you don't care about her that much, (be honest here, do you?) then let this one occasion ride, safe in the knowledge that you have made the firm decision that it will never happen again. Oh, and let the friendship slide too. Life's too short.

[2rebecca]

If this is mainly a chance for the mums to meet up then I think you are being reasonable. You have 2 options. Either the emailer contacts the mum and explain you all aren't happy with her attitude and this is primarily a friends' day out not a children's trip and that if she isn't going then you'd rather her daughter didn't come as the au pair isn't one of the group of friends. The other option is to just accpet it and be nice to the au pair but make it clear on future invitations that days out for adults with their children are just for the particular adult invited on the invite and the child is not the principal invitee. To be honest I wonder why you included this mum in your group anyway as you don't seem to like her or her daughter. I suspect if you liked them both the fact that the girl came with au pair/ granny etc would be irrelevent.

[screamingabdab]

Agree with 2rebecca

[NetworkGuy]

YANBU ... I understand how it's a shame that this mum hasn't taken the day off to be with friends, but for the sake of her daughter, and the AP please be willing to take them both.

Maybe a compromise would be to contact the particular mum - and not by e-mail but on the phone. Ask her to ask the AP if she wants to come with you - the other option, a day off (which I am sure would be welcome - she could maybe go shopping, meet English or Polish friends, or just have a day to relax other than any other day(s) off she gets).

Yes, the mum was undiplomatic in assuming it would be OK to 'send' her daughter (and taking the mickey when it will mean someone having to go out of their way to give both a lift each way), but we don't know why she is unable to come, nor whether she was stressed from work when she wrote the e-mail...

If you unilaterally exclude the AP she's either going to feel miserable, or overjoyed, but it would be nice to allow her to make the decision so if she wants to be there for the daughter, she can, while if she'd prefer a break, it lets her choose that. It certainly treats her as a person, with an opinion, rather than having been told one thing, and then be told something else. She may understand that it is a bunch of friends, and gives her the chance to try to 'fit in' but doesn't pressure her, or exclude her against her will.

If she wants to come along, then although she's not the person you'd prefer to have been there, she will hopefully enjoy the day out as a complete change from the rest of her time.

I've only got to the end of the second page of comments but seeing suggestions of 'take only the daughter' made me feel for the AP!

[diddl]

I think it depends on if this was supposed to be more about the mums or more about the children.
It would be a shame for the daughter to miss out if it´s about the children.
And the mum is obviously sending the AP to be responsible for her daughter, rather than asking any of the other mums to be.
That said, she has gone about it very rudely,it seems.
But I feel you either take both the AP& daughter, or neither.

[pellmell]

maybe it's as simple as this.....
The mum has no idea that the day is regarded by you as a bezzy mates day out (with kids coming along because of the holidays)
Is there a chance that she regards it differently and believes it to be an outing in general and is actually putting her daughters needs befor yours in not wanting her to miss it?
She may genuinely not have understood.
If I had the strength of feeling about this as you have, I would be having a chat and saying
"Ah, it's a shame you can't come blah blah blah, couldn't one of us bring dd? save your poor aupair putting up with all of us and save us from having to be on our best behavior with a stranger around " etc...
You're all supposed to be such great mates after all!

[Mummywhereisyourwillie]

Have you been yet OP? Did she come?

[BonsoirAnna]

I am in complete agreement with the OP. When DD was little I used to get very cross indeed when children got sent to our mother and baby group with their nannies. The whole point of the group was support for mothers to talk about childbirth, early babyhood etc. The presence of nannies systematically destroyed the intimacy and bonding of the group.

[Asana]

Nannies may not be able to talk about childbirth but they can certainly contribute on matters relating to early babyhood, bottle-feeding, sleeping patterns, behavioural tics etc. Frankly, I would welcome nannies seeing as, if they have looked after other children, they could be an invaluable source of information. If they haven't looked after other children, they too can learn from others as to how every baby/child is different. Unless of course they should be banned as they aren't biological mothers ... After all, an actual bio mother may not necessarily fit into the "group dynamic" - should she then be banned as well? Or should a single father/adoptive mother/adoptive father/legal guardian? I'm not saying that nannies are exactly the same as one's mother/father/parent but to simply discount them on the basis of childbirth/parenthood seems rather precious IMHO.

[Asana]

This comes from someone who has very fond memories of her nannies, who knew me just as well as my parents did In fact, since both my parents died, I have remained in touch with them and see them as surrogate grandparents to my DS. I would hate to think that their opinions on me or my siblings were automatically discounted simply because they didn't give birth to us.

[pofacedandproud]

This is why I much prefer talking to au pairs and nannies in the playground than some mothers. How awful for you to have to try to talk to a Polish girl for at least 110 minutes on a day off.