To not really want an unknown childminder at a day out with friends?

[whippet]

A small group of mums from school agreed to go out for a day together over summer to the beach. We all get on really well, have known each other for ages etc etc.

My friend who organised it e-mailed everyone the details and one of the mums has replied aying, "I can't make it, but I'm sending DD with her childminder"

I'm a bit about this.

• none of us know/ have met the childminder so it's going to make the day a bit awkward with a 'new person' in amongst a bunch of friends IYSWIM
• this wasn't meant just as a kids day out - it was a chance for us to meet/ chat/ have a laugh etc
• the 'DD' in question is a bit of a madam - bossy etc. I don't know how well the CM manages her behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

[Katisha]

I think grit your teeth and take the DD without the AP - there's a gang of you - it won't fall to one person to keep an eye on her. Perhaps she'll be better without the mother there to play up to.

Personally I would be unhappy for there to be a total stranger there as well - changes the whole thing.

[h0ney]

But you won't be caring for the child, the aupair will be??

Is it possible the mum doesn't want to see you? You are not coming across as very kind or friendly.

[Katisha]

Oh for heavens sake - this is a group of friends. If I were to go out with my friends it's them I want to see, not a complete stranger. It turns it into something else entirely. As someone said - it's not a school trip.
Take the DD and give the AP the day off.

[MuffinToptheMule]

At first I thought YANBU, but after your second post you are definitely being unreasonable. You sound very spiteful, condescending and patronising. "Now it feels like we'll have to 'take care' of a couple of extra 'children' - the girl and the au pair!" How can you be so rude and call this woman a child? She is twenty years old not 2 years old.

I used to work as an AP and ended up in a situation like this where I had to take one of the children on a trip because the mum was unable to. The group of mums were nothing but unfriendly. I spent the whole morning running around and playing with all the children while they sat and drank coffee. When I sat down for a drink one of the little girls went up to her mum and asked her mum to play, to which her mum replied, 'No darling, mummy is busy right now, why don't you ask the 'help'.

I think you should tell the AP and the child not to come. The will probably have a better day without your bitchiness.

[Katisha]

I'll bang on one more time and then clear off!

I think the OP is not being unreasonable because this is a social day with FRIENDS.

Not a school trip. Not a toddler group. A day out with friends. And their children.

Why therefore is she being castigated for feeling uphappy about adult non-friends being sent along?

I do think though, given that the child thinks she's going , that she now has to take the DD along. But I defend her right not to have to take the AP unless they are all flatly refusing to have this DD without a childminder.

[gagamama]

Cripes, I'd love to have 27 days paid holiday per year! But if you're going to get precious about wasting 3.7% of your 'gold dust' anuual leave with someone who is nineteen and Polish then cancel the day and reschedule for another time.

[PuppyMonkey]

I can quite understand why OP is about it tbh.

Imagine if she was having a party at hers and her friend said "I can't come but am sending a collegue from work instead." It's all a bit strange if you ask me...

[FedUpWithRainyDevon]

I love the people that call any OP judgemental, bitchy, spiteful, condescending and patronising and then go ahead and treat her in the same way, priceless.

AIBU is probably not the place for this post - unless you're going to be swayed by what people say. You know how you feel about it, OP, so it's up to you to deal with it how you see fit. As you've said, it's a day out with friends. I'd be a bit miffed about it too but I suppose she might end up being lovely and then you'll have made a new friend.

I wouldn't worry about the language barrier by the way, most polish people I've met speak excellent English.

[BalloonSlayer]

Out of interest, whippet, what's happening to the other sibling on your day out? If she's at work, and the AP is out with you and the DD, who is looking after the other one?

[dizzymare]

If you're that bothered why don't you not go and leave the others to enjoy the day out. If I was the aupair, I'd hate to be stuck with someone all day who'd already gathered her own ideas about me before even meeting

And who are you to say she can or cannot come anyway! It's a free country!

[Katisha]

In that case dizzymare let us know when you are next planning a day out with friends and I'll send someone of my own choosing along to join you.

[stuffitlllama]

lot of piety on here

yanbu, you're not snobbish, spiteful, racist or selfish

I'm sure you're very nice

don't let anyone make you feel guilty

[dizzymare]

The more the merrier Katisha, it doesn't bother me in the slighest!

[whippet]

Thanks for the well-written, coherent points of view - as for the others, well, I imagine the DM will have a field day!

No, I probably shouldn't have posted on AIBU, but I've been here long enough to expect to get a cross-section of views, which is fine.

I can see that some people share my view, and seem to understand why I was a bit about this. FWIW one of the other Mums just called me and spontaneously said "what a bl**dy cheek!" so i'm clearly not out on a limb on this one.

I never said we wouldn't let the AP come, or made any suggestion that we'd be anything other than welcoming and inclusive to her - that assumption has been made by those people trying to read something different into my posts (some would call it 'picking a fight'?)

The revelance of her being Polish is only that she is "non-native english speaking" - it's shorter to write! I know for a fact that her English is poor, I wasn't making an assumption that Polish = poor English.

I think Katisha has summed it up well:

Not a school trip. Not a toddler group. A day out with friends. And their children.

It's not all the class - it was just 5 mums, who get on well together, and are friends. If some of you think that is a 'clique' then so be it - but to most people it's just a 'group of friends' who I think are entitled to choose who they spend a day out with?

Not everyone is always looking for 'new' friends; not everyone finds it easy and relaxing to be in the company of a complete stranger for long periods, let alone a whole day.

FedUp - I agree - the irony is hilarious!

[whippet]

BalloonSlayer - good point - I imagine the other sibling will turn up too, but the mum hasn't mentioned this!
Hope there's room in someone's car for all 3!

Dizzymare (good choice of name...) have you ever been taught about the concept of an invitation?

(Haven't I seen you before on the "If DS is invited to a party AIBU to take my other 13 children?" thread

[sporadicname]

If it was at a toddler group and the Op's friend sent her childminder/AP then yes it would be VU to be upset about it.

However, on a friends day out, I would be a bit annoyed at the assumption of the mother that it was Ok. Obviously if you were not planning to include the AP you would be less bothered, but it is harder work to include someone you don't know when it is a group of good friends. You end up feeling bad for chatting about things they don't know about, you can't talk as easily about personal things and it is not the same relaxed day.

OP, YANBU, unless you plan to put your feelings about the mother's actions on to the AP, which it doesn't sound like you will do.

[Mummywhereisyourwillie]

Why was she invited is she is such a taker?

Perhaps you could say to her that you have a few concerns and that you'd like to rearrange for a bit later in the holidays ... then don't.

[whippet]

The mum has just sent e-mail, and I quote (in its entirety...)

"Forgot to say, she (AP) will also have DS2, and someone will need to drive them"

That's it. No please, is it OK, hope this is OK, is it possible etc etc.

In fact this may solve the issue anyway, as I'm not sure we DO have enough car space for them all!

[screamingabdab]

whippet

It turns out YANBU

[Katisha]

What are you going to reply?

I really hope you are going to put her straight about what the day is all about??

[gorionine]

I have to agree with you that she is not the best mannered friend one could wish to have (judging by e-mail).

I think the wording of some of your earlier posts might have made you look "nastier" than you actually are. Leaving the issue of AP asside (poor thing probably not having the best of time with the arrangement either so wrong to direct any anger at her) your friend might need someone like yourself to let her know she is going a bit far!

[OtterInaSkoda]

Good grief whippet - how cheeky!

Offer to take her dd. You don't have room for the other two (I feel a white lie may be acceptable here).

[MIAonline]

Perhaps an email back,

'Hi, sorry, but we won't have enough room for your 2 DS and your AP. Perhaps it would be better if we rearrange an extra day when you can make it too as it would be a shame if we didn't get to see you too.

and then hope she isn't an MN er who is reading this

[MIAonline]

That should say Dc, unless she has an extra 2 boys as well!

[BadgersArse]

yanbu

take the dd though
id be poissed offf when a day changed from a ncie catch up to making small talk witha teenager you dont know