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AIBU?

To not really want an unknown childminder at a day out with friends?

163 replies

whippet · 19/08/2009 12:14

A small group of mums from school agreed to go out for a day together over summer to the beach. We all get on really well, have known each other for ages etc etc.

My friend who organised it e-mailed everyone the details and one of the mums has replied aying, "I can't make it, but I'm sending DD with her childminder"

I'm a bit about this.

none of us know/ have met the childminder so it's going to make the day a bit awkward with a 'new person' in amongst a bunch of friends IYSWIM
this wasn't meant just as a kids day out - it was a chance for us to meet/ chat/ have a laugh etc
the 'DD' in question is a bit of a madam - bossy etc. I don't know how well the CM manages her behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:

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BalloonSlayer · 19/08/2009 12:43

whippet the impression I get from what you have written is that what has happened is:

Your friend told her DD about the trip
DD got excited
Friend suddenly realised she can't go after all.
DD will be disappointed to miss out on trip.
Friend fears that asking you to take her DD along with you will be taking the piss.
Friend decides to say she is sending AP with DD in the hope that you will feel just as you do; she hopes you will offer to just take her DD along with yours "save AP the bother."

MissSunny · 19/08/2009 12:44

Message withdrawn

BalloonSlayer · 19/08/2009 12:45

ahem . . . "to save AP the bother"

whippet · 19/08/2009 12:47

The Mum hasn't 'got something on' she is working.

The rest of us also work part-time/full-time and have taken a days leave to for this 'friends' trip with the kids.

YES - I'm sure the Polish girl is nice
YES - Of course we can all make an effort

And actually I'm always the first person to say hello to a mum on her own at school, or to phone the parents of a new child in class.

But sometimes you just want to chill with your mates/ share some old jokes/have some banter etc don't you?
So we thought we'd arranged a day where we could do that, and now this mum has decided to unilaterally change the dynamic of that.

I just don't think it's fair personally. And certainly not in the way it's been done.
If she'd said "do you mind/ would it be OK" I expect we'd all have said "OK, it's fine etc" and been a bit disappointed, but to just e-mail saying "I am sending her" is rather bizarre IMO?

OP posts:

OtterInaSkoda · 19/08/2009 12:52

I understand why you're a bit peed of but i do think YABU and yes, your group sounds pretty cliquey. However like I said, I can understand (specially when people have taken leave to come and catch up with their friends - not some randomer). The little girl shouldn't have to miss out though - offer to take her so the au pair can do a bit of extra cleaning/English study/have a day off. Or roll with it - I rather like meeting people from overseas. She'll quite possibly end up playing with all your dc anyway so you won't have to talk to her much she won't be too involved in your conversations.

OtterInaSkoda · 19/08/2009 12:58

Whippet I agree it's a bit weird but think BalloonSlayer's theory is probably spot on. I can imagine doing it myself (I'm crap at asking people to help out).

BalloonSlayer · 19/08/2009 13:00

Ah, so it's a friendship issue then, rather than a rudeness issue.

You think it's all good chums meeting up for a chinwag, but she thinks it's all about the children meeting up and isn't all that bothered about meeting up with her friends.

You could email her and say "This was supposed to be a friends' get together, and it's you we wanted to come and you we invited, not your au pair."

You could lose the friendship. Is it worth keeping?

It is clear to us in our little group of old friends that we seem to have dropped down the list of prioritites of one of us. I did think about stopping bothering with her, but we have been mates for a long time and I do love her, so instead I have just lowered my expectations.

Bathsheba · 19/08/2009 13:04

Sounds like she really wants her childto go.

As someone will need to bring the child and the au pair is it worth opffering to just take the child and leave the au pair at home - it sounds like she isn;t going to socialise anyway with you, so leave her at home and someone take responsibility for the child..

Surfermum · 19/08/2009 13:05

I think you're upset with your friend because she isn't taking a day off work to be with you. She's made you feel like you're not that important to her.

Whether that's the case or whether she genuinely can't get the day off work, I don 't know. And maybe her expectation of what the day was about was different to yours.

I think the CM thing is a bit of a red herring, it's how your friend has communicated with you that's the problem.

Nancy66 · 19/08/2009 13:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you are an established group of friends that organised a day out together then it is a bit off that the other mum opts out but sends an employee.

She should have asked if it was ok, but as she hasn't you are perfectly entitled to say it's not ok.

rasputin · 19/08/2009 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bratley · 19/08/2009 13:16

I like the way you call her 'this mum' yet you say its a day to 'chill with your mates/share some old jokes', it doesnt sound like you count her as a friend, nevermind the AP.

What do your other friends think about the AP tagging along?
Are they as hostile towards 'this mum' about it?

YABU in my opinion, your friend just doesn't want her DD to miss out and thought her friends were nice enough to welcome someone else along. Poor AP's probably gonna spend the whole day feeling like a misfit. I don't understand why you can't have a laugh and catch up with your friends while still making her feel comfortable?
You never know if you push her out enough she might spend the day playing with all the children, I'm sure they wouldn't mind her joining in their day.

MollieO · 19/08/2009 13:18

I assume that if it is an established group of friends then she didn't imagine any of you would have a problem with her AP bringing her dd. If you don't want a stranger in your midst then why don't you offer to take her dd yourself and be responsible for looking after her? If that isn't possible then you should tell your friend that the invite isn't for her AP it is for her with dd tagging along.

bigchris · 19/08/2009 13:19

i would do as orm suggests and take her dd

TheDMHatesMe · 19/08/2009 13:20

Rasputin has hit the nail on the head.

YABU and precious. This is why I avoid groups of 'mums' like the plague.

EldonAve · 19/08/2009 13:22

YANBU

HumphreyCobbler · 19/08/2009 13:26

I would feel annoyed too.

YANBU

I would suck it up with a smile however, it sounds like you are planning to do the same.

squeaver · 19/08/2009 13:28

Agree with others who suggest take the child but not the au pair. That would have been my first thought tbh.

UnquietDad · 19/08/2009 13:30

A bunch of dads would not get so bloody precious. Do you want the girl (the DD) there or not? Why should she miss out?

gorionine · 19/08/2009 13:34

UnqietDad, are you really sure a bunch of dad would not mind a 20 year old AP tagging along?

CyradisTheDMSlayer · 19/08/2009 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 19/08/2009 13:43

As a nanny I'm glad that the mums of my charges friends plus also friends of my boss are nice enough that they owuldn't mind an extra pair of hands on a day out thought tbh I wouldn't be treated like that - I have had friends of my boss have me round for tea and cake when they found out it was my birthday plus cards yet they didn't have too - Maybe it's best you contact your friend as it sounds like the aupair will have a bad day out with you resenting her being there. What a shame we can't all be grown ups instead of children.

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whippet · 19/08/2009 13:51

"I think you're upset with your friend because she isn't taking a day off work to be with you."

No - this really isn't true. If there's any underlying sentiment I suspect it's that we feel a bit used by this particular mum. She's always on the receiving end of favours, but rarely reciprocates.

Her DD is a handful, and can be rude and spiteful. Almost certainly she would benefit from spending more time in group settings.
However no one is rushing forward to offer to take the DD with us because she's just too much hard work .
Not very friendly? Perhaps. But I'm afraid if I take a precious days leave from work I want to enjoy it with my friends and my children, not act as unpaid childcare for someone else with a very demanding child.

OP posts:

whippet · 19/08/2009 13:57

The reference to 'this mum' was just to differentiate her from the 'other mums' - nothing sinister BTW.

For the record, I have nothing against the AP as such, and yes, of course she will come with us, and yes I'm sure we will do our best to try to make her fit in.

I think people who don't work outside of the home don't understand how valuable annual leave days are. If you only get 27 days a year then you treat them like gold dust, and plan how you use them very carefully.

OP posts:

OtterInaSkoda · 19/08/2009 14:05

(playing Devil's advocate here) maybe she can't reciprocate. Or of course maybe she's just a pee-taker
I still think you're being a little U but yes, leave is in short supply and I think I might be a bit annoyed/equally U as well.

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