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AIBU?

To not really want an unknown childminder at a day out with friends?

163 replies

whippet · 19/08/2009 12:14

A small group of mums from school agreed to go out for a day together over summer to the beach. We all get on really well, have known each other for ages etc etc.

My friend who organised it e-mailed everyone the details and one of the mums has replied aying, "I can't make it, but I'm sending DD with her childminder"

I'm a bit about this.

none of us know/ have met the childminder so it's going to make the day a bit awkward with a 'new person' in amongst a bunch of friends IYSWIM
this wasn't meant just as a kids day out - it was a chance for us to meet/ chat/ have a laugh etc
the 'DD' in question is a bit of a madam - bossy etc. I don't know how well the CM manages her behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:

Report

superduperminder · 19/08/2009 14:08

That's right - because if you don't work outside the home everyday is like a holiday.

whippet · 19/08/2009 14:12

Otter - no, she's a p-taker!

Turns up hours late to collect children
Dumps other sibling on you when you've invited just one
Calls 5 mins before pick up 'am stuck in traffic... could you just...'

Just to re-iterate - this is not about the AP herself - I don't know her - even if she is the nicest girl in the world, the manner in which she is being foisted on us seems wrong. I feel sorry for her too - I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is spend an afternoon with us all either.

Personally I think she is probably not coping very well with the daughter and the Mum ssees this as a useful 'get out'.

OP posts:

Asana · 19/08/2009 14:13

YABU, snobbish and spiteful. Why not just uninvite the DD then if she's such a hassle? After all, you don't seem to like her mum very much, and her even less.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/08/2009 14:15

So really, you're not peed off that the AP is coming along its the fact your friend has let you down again. For that reason YANBU. (but maybe there is an emergency at work)
But in your OP it sounds like you didnt like the idea of "someone new" tagging along on your day out, which would be unreasonable.

GrinnyPig · 19/08/2009 14:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all about the day out. I do think YABVU to say that people who don't work outside the home forget how precious annual leave is . God yes, when I gave birth my memory was wiped...

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 14:21

The mum can't come, doesn't want her DD to miss out. Suck it up. Sh!t happens. You might have to make a bit of small talk on your day off - so what!? The AP might turn out to be a blast and you all might have a great time. Or she might be so uninterested in you and your clique that she opts to spend her time with the children and you get to relax just a little more than usual.

From the sounds of you all, you could do with having your eyes opened, and talking to someone from outside of your little circle might do you some good.

superduperminder · 19/08/2009 14:21

I agree Grinnypig. I was starting to agree with her until she made that ridiculous statement

OtterInaSkoda · 19/08/2009 14:26

She sounds like a PITA. As does her dd, but that's not her fault so I won't hold that against her (and I'm sure you don't, either).

I don't think whippet's being spiteful or snobbish at all actually. Nor do I think that every day's a holiday for SAHMs (but those of us that work outside the home only have x-number of days with our dc and probably bugger all days to ourselves/to spend with friends - our leave is very precious and we get seriously effed off and possibly totally unreasonable if we feel it's being infringed upon)

So - a total turnaround from me Welcome the AP. If you get on then you've found yourself a new babysitter for future evenings out - she'll be grateful for a few extra squids I'd imagine.

Surfermum · 19/08/2009 14:28

You don't sound like friends to me.

whippet · 19/08/2009 14:29

Otter - thank you - you are the voice of reason and commonsense.

OP posts:

AxisofEvil · 19/08/2009 14:35

Interesting the split in views. Personally I think YANBU. Don't email her as that will go wrong, call her and have a chat. If you want to remain friends that is - if she is a p taker and her daughter isn't popular either, do you want her in your life?

whippet · 19/08/2009 14:37

P.S. Don't forget this IS AIBU... not "Pile in for a character assasination...."

OP posts:

Weegle · 19/08/2009 14:55

well I think YABU (have no intention of piling in for a character assassination though)

The best that happens: you get a MORE chilled day because generally (in my experience as an AP host) AP's PREFER to muck in with the kids and adopt any extra kids on days out, particularly if they don't know the mums so well. The worst: you have to make some chit chat. I can see if you offer to take just the DD that increases pressure on you for the day out - I would feel the same with the responsibility of an extra child, even though I might love that child, and do it regularly - it would be less relaxing. If you say they DD and AP aren't welcome then I do think that's mean and unnecessary. No matter it's a 'mum's' day - the reality is kids are included, and in my mind, that means they come first. Presumably if you're all working mums and it was spending time with the other mums which was important (rather than getting the kids together) then the children's childcare could have continued the same and you all had a day out adults only?

muddleduck · 19/08/2009 15:03

I think people have been a bit harsh on the OP and I'm not sure why. I suspect it is the way the OP is written rather than the facts of the case.

IMO it is a question of manners. The friend should have asked first and acknowledged that she is asking for a favour. I would never "tell" someone to give my dc and (hypothetical) AP a lift, but I might well ask them if I needed to be at work.

TheChilliMooseTalksNonsense · 19/08/2009 15:08

I have only read the original post, and I think YANBU. I wouldn't dream of asking the childminder to take DS out to meet friends with their parents, who are my friends. I think it's very odd.

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 15:09

Ok, agree YANBU to have expected better communication from the Mum in question.

But, YABU to moan about having to make small talk and to suggest that having a 'new person' around will spoil your day. Just be open to it - she might either be really nice, or be really helpful, or just keep herself to herself.

You shouldn't feel that your friends and you can't have your usual laugh with her there. When I read that bit, it painted the picture of the group of 'too cool for school' girls sitting together whipsering and shooting disapproving glances towards the poor little new girl, and made me think you were pretty snobby and cliquey. If that's not the case, then fair enough, but your OP did paint the picture for me.

Calbourne · 19/08/2009 15:10

I agree that it is unfair on the Au Pair and that the meetup would be lovely for the little girl so would be nice to rise about the rudeness of the mother.

However, the dynamic of the arrangment is now changed by having a stranger there and therefore I think you are not being unreasonable to write back to the mother that this time you don't think it is appropriate as you don't think it'll be much fun for the Au Pair to be part of a planned intimate get-together for friends. Your don't have to be rude, just highlight for her that she can't assume it is OK.

screamingabdab · 19/08/2009 15:36

OP, you did sound xenophobic and unfriendly in the OP, which is why people have been harsh.

But it seems you have identified the real problem here, which is, at the end of the day, you don't really seem to like the DD or her mother very much.

(post at 14:12:17)

ludog · 19/08/2009 15:37

YANBU

SerendipitousHarlot · 19/08/2009 15:46

YABU. You sound like a snob.

Mondaymonday · 19/08/2009 15:52

YABVU - very spiteful, like a cliquey gang of schoolgirls. Your attitude makes you sound like you're about 13 years old

mollythetortoise · 19/08/2009 15:54

YANBU. I would be annoyed too but would probably keep quiet about it and still enjoy day. I would also never dream of sending my child with my childminder out with a group of my friends.. very strange indeed and the male poster who said men are not so precious, I have to disagree, men would find this weird too if some random male au pair showed up.

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itsmeolord · 19/08/2009 15:55

YANBU. Or spiteful. Or snobby.

I wouldn't be too chuffed with the mum either.

SerendipitousHarlot · 19/08/2009 15:58

Also, I'm not really sure why her beig Polish has relevance

Mondaymonday · 19/08/2009 15:58

I always wondered what type of person sits at a toddler group in their clique and is completely unwilling to talk to anyone new - clearly a few of them are on this thread

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