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AIBU?

To not really want an unknown childminder at a day out with friends?

163 replies

whippet · 19/08/2009 12:14

A small group of mums from school agreed to go out for a day together over summer to the beach. We all get on really well, have known each other for ages etc etc.

My friend who organised it e-mailed everyone the details and one of the mums has replied aying, "I can't make it, but I'm sending DD with her childminder"

I'm a bit about this.

none of us know/ have met the childminder so it's going to make the day a bit awkward with a 'new person' in amongst a bunch of friends IYSWIM
this wasn't meant just as a kids day out - it was a chance for us to meet/ chat/ have a laugh etc
the 'DD' in question is a bit of a madam - bossy etc. I don't know how well the CM manages her behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:

Report

BalloonSlayer · 19/08/2009 18:06

"Sorry but I'm not able to drive them. I am sure one of the others will be able to."

If all of you send the same reply then it's sorted.

BalloonSlayer · 19/08/2009 18:07

... although I do have doubts about this story. Surely no-one's that rude?

MIAonline · 19/08/2009 18:07

Some people forget, it isn't all about the children. I enjoy meeting my friends and yes, they have children who my DS is friends with too, but I don't just meet up with them for his sake.

I actually think it is slightly offensive for the mother to think that you are not friends in your own right and that you wouldn't care who meets up as long as the children get together.

Fimbo · 19/08/2009 18:09

How old are the children? Why can't you just take the dd and the ds and ap stay behind?

MIAonline · 19/08/2009 18:09

You must have nicer friends BalloonSlayer

Katisha · 19/08/2009 18:11

Yes exactly - to give this woman the most benefit of the doubt I can muster she has maybe mistaken it for a children's day out which you are organising.

I think you need to make it perfectly clear this is NOT the case. Maybe by saying - actually it's you we were hoping to see, not just the children, so maybe you can make it on another occasion. That makes it clear without attaching blame.

Then if she still comes back after that you will have to make it - well - clearer...

OtterInaSkoda · 19/08/2009 18:13

Slayer - I know someone who's a bit like this. And I have a horrible feeling I've been a bit like it (unwittingly though)

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 18:13

some pepoel do take take take though
we haev two spare premeri league football match tickets and cant think of any family who take our kdis anwyehre

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 18:14

i mean i said to dh " lets take someone who always offers activities to our kids"

goldrock · 19/08/2009 18:26

Just catching up with the thread when OP posted the clincher - I don't think YABU at all, very rude to assume that the AP can tag along and no one will mind but maybe the other mum doesn't see it as a day out for friends in the same way you do, maybe she was going under sufference in the first place so that her DD could have a day out.
Best solution now would seem to be that you all offer to take just the DD and the AP stays at home with the DS. I know you say she's a bit of a madam but at least the remaining friends can chat and share the load of looking after her.

FritesMenthe · 19/08/2009 18:31

Badger, get back to your own thread

mumeeee · 19/08/2009 18:32

YABU. The Mum who can't go doesn't want her DD to miss out on a fun day out with her friends. I'm sure the CM willknow how to handle the child. The CM might be a bit nervous aboutmeeting you all so you should make her welcome.

tiredOFTHEDMemma · 19/08/2009 18:35

The Au Pair/childminder probably doesnt want to be there anymore than you dont want her to be there.

juuule · 19/08/2009 18:36

YABVU. Don't be such a misery.

KERALA1 · 19/08/2009 18:43

YANBU I agree with goldrock. All those jumping to YABU in the same circs would you really truly be happy about this? Know I wouldnt.

Laquitar · 19/08/2009 18:57

You are 'friends' but you call her dd 'handful,rude and spiteful' ? Am so when people call little dc names. Especially when they suppose to be 'friends'.

If your friend is really so rude then surely is better to have her AP instead of her there? Oh but she is Polish aswell as AP

You sound fun

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 18:58

everyone always agrees with godlrock

lupo · 19/08/2009 19:11

I am dreading this sort of clique ..'you are not in our group so you cant come..playground stuff..hoping that when ds starts school mums are a bit nicer and less childish

rookiemater · 19/08/2009 19:17

YANBU, by telling not asking that the AP needs a lift and she is bringing DS2 she is really overstepping the line.

I would go with Miaonlines suggestion, nice graceful way to get out of it without spending the day fuming.

If you go to the trouble of organising something for your friends, it is them that you want there, not random other people. In this example say rather than an au pair which I think people are getting hung up on, say it was the grandmother rather than the mother, I suspect your reaction would be the same as whilst I'm sure you would make her welcome when there but it would change group dynamics and stop conversation going as freely.

I must admit that I have ducked out of big mummy meet ups as I work 4 days a week and one afternoon asked everyone round to mine and only 1 mum and DC made it and got one apology. I'd rather just meet up with one or two mums and DCs at a time that way it doesn't get complicated or school trippish.

Katisha · 19/08/2009 19:22

I completely fail to understand why a group of friends going somewhere together equals a clique and is therefore Bad.

KERALA1 · 19/08/2009 19:36

I am abit when accusations of cliqueyness are made. Are people who have children not allowed to spend time with those that are likeminded and whose company they enjoy? Does everyone have to be asked to everything now?

I am lucky enough to have moved recently and met a group of really fun mums. More and more people have joined us and we meet up at peoples houses. It has now got to the point where we cannot physically start inviting anyone else along as our houses aren't big enough. I suppose this is now cliquey but lines have to be drawn somewhere.

malung · 19/08/2009 19:54

This young Polish girl is going to be so much more anxious about this day than all you Mums.
For heavens sake, imagine you own DD's in a few year time, maybe working in another country to improve their language skills.

How would it feel to you to have a day in your beloved DD's company being discussed like this?Shame on you.

Being a parent and being concerned about your DC doesn't stop when your DD is 20.
Think of her mother back in Poland.
What would she be thinking and feeling now in the light of this conversation.
Show some maturity and welcome this girl to England.

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screamingabdab · 19/08/2009 20:21

malung read the whole thread. I am with you about the AD, but the OP has let slip it's actually nothing to do with the AP, she's actually cheesed off with her friend

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 20:24

i ahet threads where peopel say "and you say she is a freind" as if anyone whom you criticise immideiately can NEVER be classed as a pal

i agree with the OP 100 %

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 20:24

adn the well being of a polish au pair is NOT HER PROBLEM

how idel of the mum to fob her dd off on other mums rather carelessly

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