To not really want an unknown childminder at a day out with friends?

[whippet]

A small group of mums from school agreed to go out for a day together over summer to the beach. We all get on really well, have known each other for ages etc etc.

My friend who organised it e-mailed everyone the details and one of the mums has replied aying, "I can't make it, but I'm sending DD with her childminder"

I'm a bit about this.

• none of us know/ have met the childminder so it's going to make the day a bit awkward with a 'new person' in amongst a bunch of friends IYSWIM
• this wasn't meant just as a kids day out - it was a chance for us to meet/ chat/ have a laugh etc
• the 'DD' in question is a bit of a madam - bossy etc. I don't know how well the CM manages her behaviour.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

[Mummywhereisyourwillie]

And ...don't assume the au pair is going to be ill educated and a nuisance. Recently I asked an au pair at school why she was leaving and she was returning to work in law having had this year learning English.

[Arcadie]

Whippet post again woman!

[MrsBarbaraKingstanding]

I think it's a weird way for your 'friend' to act, surely good manners and some social skills would suggest you ask other about arrangements before imposing them on others.

But I find all your reasoning strange and in consisitent, first pissed off because had to talk to au pair, then pissed off cos friend is traeting you badly gemerally, then don't even seem to ;ike this woman or her DD (but were originally looking forward to day out with great mates of which she was one?), thrn pissed off abour manners etc.

maybe if you decide actually why you are pissed off and if you actually want to be friends with ths woman it may help you deal with it.

I have some sympathy though, the grilling AIBU threads give you is mercifuless and can make your noraml good reasoning wobble all over in attempt to explain you are not really the facist your original OP may have suggested (voice of experince!).

[ElieRM]

I don't think the DD should miss out because her mother is working. How awful it would be for a young child to feel excluded and left out.
Also, whilst I appreciate that your anual leave is a precious thing, I think its extremely rude to describe a twenty-year-old woman as a child and infer she would in some way ruin your day. She may well be a charming, bright woman and I don't think its too much to expect for you and the other mums to make a little effort.

[SomeGuy]

by that I mean the mothers who seem to subconsciously say to themselves 'ugh, she's foreign', and ignore said person.

[SomeGuy]

My DW despairs at the 'ugh foreign' mums at school. DW is very friendly, as I'm sure said Polish au pair is, but there's a proportion of mums who studiously ignore the non-tennis-playing/non-PTA-member/non-clique women, and it's very unwelcoming for anybody.

[morningpaper]

YANBU, that would REALLY annoy me, your friend has NO manners. Don't invite her next time.

[Boobz]

Agree with TheBolter

[curiositykilled]

'Will probably sit on the beach being bored and texting her boyfriend. (We've had 2 Au Pairs, so I know this stuff, before I get jumped on!)'



You are quite unreasonable. If the mother wants her dd to go why can't she send her with her au pair? Maybe she should have asked instead of telling, but would you have said no?! If the trip is for kids AND adults why does the dd have to be excluded in order to preference the adults?

You're making yourself sound very cliquey, selfish and superior. I can't get over the way you speak about au pairs like they are dogs! I wouldn't want to be your au pair, or your friend for that matter - you seem incredibly intolerant!

[Arcadie]

Oh Whippet I'm dying to know what you email to your mate.... please post again. I'll be nice to you.

[pigletmania]

Gosh Whippet you YAU, sounds a bit cliqqy and condesending, you dont even know the poor lady(she is a lady not a child)and already you are making assumptions. I studied at uni and was sharing a flat we Polish students and they were the most kind,friendly bunch of people you could know. Just because you were not keen on your Polish au pairs no need to tar them all with the same brush, poor thing. If you are that dead against it, why dont you talk to the mum in question and tell her how you feel.

The little girl is probably friends with the other children so why should she miss out gosh have a little compassion.

[2rebecca]

Must admit I never thought of mum and baby groups as exclusively for mums and babies and the one I occasionally went to had dads, grannies, childminders etc with babies and toddlers. It was mainly seen as a place for adults to take children to play with other children and to have a supportive natter. Dads and childminders were welcome at ours. They were doing parenting as well.
I think mothers and toddlers groups are different to sending someone else to a social event only you have been invited to as one of a group of friends. If my friends asked me out I wouldn't send my husband instead of me, he's not the person they invited.

[pofacedandproud]

This is why I much prefer talking to au pairs and nannies in the playground than some mothers. How awful for you to have to try to talk to a Polish girl for at least 110 minutes on a day off.

[Asana]

This comes from someone who has very fond memories of her nannies, who knew me just as well as my parents did In fact, since both my parents died, I have remained in touch with them and see them as surrogate grandparents to my DS. I would hate to think that their opinions on me or my siblings were automatically discounted simply because they didn't give birth to us.

[Asana]

Nannies may not be able to talk about childbirth but they can certainly contribute on matters relating to early babyhood, bottle-feeding, sleeping patterns, behavioural tics etc. Frankly, I would welcome nannies seeing as, if they have looked after other children, they could be an invaluable source of information. If they haven't looked after other children, they too can learn from others as to how every baby/child is different. Unless of course they should be banned as they aren't biological mothers ... After all, an actual bio mother may not necessarily fit into the "group dynamic" - should she then be banned as well? Or should a single father/adoptive mother/adoptive father/legal guardian? I'm not saying that nannies are exactly the same as one's mother/father/parent but to simply discount them on the basis of childbirth/parenthood seems rather precious IMHO.

[BonsoirAnna]

I am in complete agreement with the OP. When DD was little I used to get very cross indeed when children got sent to our mother and baby group with their nannies. The whole point of the group was support for mothers to talk about childbirth, early babyhood etc. The presence of nannies systematically destroyed the intimacy and bonding of the group.

[Mummywhereisyourwillie]

Have you been yet OP? Did she come?

[pellmell]

maybe it's as simple as this.....
The mum has no idea that the day is regarded by you as a bezzy mates day out (with kids coming along because of the holidays)
Is there a chance that she regards it differently and believes it to be an outing in general and is actually putting her daughters needs befor yours in not wanting her to miss it?
She may genuinely not have understood.
If I had the strength of feeling about this as you have, I would be having a chat and saying
"Ah, it's a shame you can't come blah blah blah, couldn't one of us bring dd? save your poor aupair putting up with all of us and save us from having to be on our best behavior with a stranger around " etc...
You're all supposed to be such great mates after all!

[diddl]

I think it depends on if this was supposed to be more about the mums or more about the children.
It would be a shame for the daughter to miss out if it´s about the children.
And the mum is obviously sending the AP to be responsible for her daughter, rather than asking any of the other mums to be.
That said, she has gone about it very rudely,it seems.
But I feel you either take both the AP& daughter, or neither.

[NetworkGuy]

YANBU ... I understand how it's a shame that this mum hasn't taken the day off to be with friends, but for the sake of her daughter, and the AP please be willing to take them both.

Maybe a compromise would be to contact the particular mum - and not by e-mail but on the phone. Ask her to ask the AP if she wants to come with you - the other option, a day off (which I am sure would be welcome - she could maybe go shopping, meet English or Polish friends, or just have a day to relax other than any other day(s) off she gets).

Yes, the mum was undiplomatic in assuming it would be OK to 'send' her daughter (and taking the mickey when it will mean someone having to go out of their way to give both a lift each way), but we don't know why she is unable to come, nor whether she was stressed from work when she wrote the e-mail...

If you unilaterally exclude the AP she's either going to feel miserable, or overjoyed, but it would be nice to allow her to make the decision so if she wants to be there for the daughter, she can, while if she'd prefer a break, it lets her choose that. It certainly treats her as a person, with an opinion, rather than having been told one thing, and then be told something else. She may understand that it is a bunch of friends, and gives her the chance to try to 'fit in' but doesn't pressure her, or exclude her against her will.

If she wants to come along, then although she's not the person you'd prefer to have been there, she will hopefully enjoy the day out as a complete change from the rest of her time.

I've only got to the end of the second page of comments but seeing suggestions of 'take only the daughter' made me feel for the AP!

[screamingabdab]

Agree with 2rebecca

[2rebecca]

If this is mainly a chance for the mums to meet up then I think you are being reasonable. You have 2 options. Either the emailer contacts the mum and explain you all aren't happy with her attitude and this is primarily a friends' day out not a children's trip and that if she isn't going then you'd rather her daughter didn't come as the au pair isn't one of the group of friends. The other option is to just accpet it and be nice to the au pair but make it clear on future invitations that days out for adults with their children are just for the particular adult invited on the invite and the child is not the principal invitee. To be honest I wonder why you included this mum in your group anyway as you don't seem to like her or her daughter. I suspect if you liked them both the fact that the girl came with au pair/ granny etc would be irrelevent.

[TheBolter]

I thought at first you were BU. But as the thread's gone on it appears (as is so often the case with AIBU) there is more to this than meets the eye. In this instance, you and your mates are annoyed by your friend's piss-taking ways. This is no doubt one of the final straws.

You need to tackle the underlying problem if you are going to get peace on this matter. Getting funny about a Polish teenager coming on an outing with you is not actually the problem. (So don't take it out on her if she comes!) The problem is that your friend is being a pain in the arse opportunist - again.

My advice? Let this ONE occasion ride. But let it be the last. If someone pisses me off I often let things ride, because I know that the fact they've actually (often unknowingly) fallen so far down in my estimation is enough. No revenge or confrontation necessary. Unless it's a friend I REALLY care about, then words need to be said.

So you need to decide - is this friend a true friend? Do you care enough about the friendship? If so you need to clear the air and let her know how you feel. If you don't care about her that much, (be honest here, do you?) then let this one occasion ride, safe in the knowledge that you have made the firm decision that it will never happen again. Oh, and let the friendship slide too. Life's too short.

[Stigaloid]

YAB totally U! Don't look at her as a 'childminder' but as another woman joining the group and make an effort - she could end up being a friend and you could all have a lovely day.