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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To NOT want to leave my PFB in a creche at a wedding?

107 replies

girlafraid · 17/08/2009 09:28

Friends without children are getting married next month, they don't want kids there and are providing a creche at the venue for those who can't find babysitters (we can't)

All very good and sensible of them EXCEPT.... I don't want to leave DS in a creche where I don't know the qualifications of the staff or how many children and babies they will be looking after - am I being dreadfully U or can you see my point???

OP posts:

Jazzicatz · 17/08/2009 09:31

We had this at a wedding we attended years ago. Can you ask for details of who will be minding your ds?

cocolepew · 17/08/2009 09:33

Don't go then.

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 17/08/2009 09:34

employ a proffessional babysitter then or dont go.
I wouldnt leave my dds with someone i didnt know either.

JustcallmeDog · 17/08/2009 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

theyoungvisiter · 17/08/2009 09:38

I think it is quite reasonable to ask the qualifications of the creche your friends are using - many are ofsted registered and stick to ofsted ratios etc.

But ultimately the answer is to not go. I am completely unapologetic about this - my childless friends are aware that my children and I are a unit while they are tiny and that while I would certainly not expect them to invite my kids if they don't want to, I expect them to understand that if the kids aren't invited I can't/won't come.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to leave your child in a creche - you are being unreasonable if you expect your friends to let you attend anyway iyswim.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/08/2009 09:39

Where will the creche be? The venue? If you can check regularly on DS and see how many kids there are/how the staff are with them, then YABU. I'm sure you can also ask your friend for info such as where she found them, what qualifications they have.

How old is he as well? Under 6 months, then ok. After 6 months, well, I think he will cope without you, and you deserve a bit of time to let your hair down! But it's all up to you of course. Don't leave him if you really don't want to - but that means one of you can't go.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 17/08/2009 09:39

we did this for our wedding, we hired one to one nannies for the babies in the creche and one nanny for 3 little ones under 5
Each child was assigned a particular nanny and they introduced themselves to the parents at the drinks before the meal and the only time we asked for the children to be in the creche was whilst we were sat down, although the nannies were there the entire time for those who wanted the children to be there.

We had set up the room with toys and baby stuff and for the over 5's we had DVD's. They had a childrens entertainer and party food.

Talk to them and see what they are planning and see f you can ease your worries.

MrsBadger · 17/08/2009 09:40

YAB a bit U

I think they have been mind-bogglingly considerate.

how old is DS?

is this for the whole event or just the ceremony?

I would go, take DS and if it turns out it is a teenage babysitter and 30 screaming kids then you and DH take turns to sit in the creche with DS

If it is a lovely friendly highly qualified nanny and two impeccably behaved friendly kids of his age then spend a while settlign him in and go and have fun

I would also consider just asking the couple who will be running the creche - if necc pretned you (or a mate) want their details to use for another event. Then ring the creche providers and quiz them.

LIZS · 17/08/2009 09:41

If it is at the venue then should be fine and you can check on him and the situation , but if your ds won't stay in the creche what can they do on the day ? If you want to go either make alternative arrangements for a babysitter (which many couples would expect you to do anyway if it was a childfree occasion rather than go to any hassle or cost with a creche) or ask if you can contact one of the staff in advance so you can be reassured have a chat about details.

MummyDoIt · 17/08/2009 09:42

Agree with Mrs Badger. Your friends are being very thoughtful in providing a creche. It's at the venue so you can check regularly and you're on hand if needed. Relax and enjoy yourselves!

VinegarTits · 17/08/2009 09:43

I would be thrilled if someone invited me to a wedding and provided my childcare for me, seems a very decent thing to do imo, they could have just said, no kids allowed sort your own babysitter, YABU and ungrateful, sort your own childcare if you dont like it, or dont go.

welshdeb · 17/08/2009 09:44

The bride and groom dont't want children at their wedding, fair enough their choice.

I have seen plenty of threads on here where there is no choice for people who can't get a babysitter.

However they are offering guests an option but at the end of the day it is your choice

Dont go
Go and get another babysitter
Go and use the creche.

You don't say how old your dc is and this plus the qualifications etc of the chreche provide will factor in your ultimate decision but in the end its up to you.

OrmIrian · 17/08/2009 09:46

How old is DS? I don't particularly care or child-free weddings but I accept they happen and they have provided a solution of sorts. Can you pop in and check up on DS from time to time? It entirely depends on whether you really want to go or not.

OhBling · 17/08/2009 09:46

YABU. As everyone else has said, feel free to ask your friends - after all, if they don't have DC they might not realise that the 16yo from down the road isn't quite appropriate - but the creche will be right there so that if you want to go and hang out with DS instead of enjoying the wedding, you can.

I think your friends are being very considerate and you should at least try to work with them on this.

piscesmoon · 17/08/2009 09:47

I agree with MrsBadger. I think the friends are being very thoughtful. You are being PFB; from your DC point of view a creche is a much better option. I would doubt whether there will be that many DCs in it. It isn't as if you are far away-you can check for yourselves and if you really don't like it you can take turns looking after him. I can't imagine that they will employ unsuitable staff who haven't been CRB checked.

Original poster

girlafraid · 17/08/2009 09:49

DS will be 8 months

I do agree they are being very considerate - and 8 months ago I would have thought I was being a right pain in the a$$ quite frankly.

They haven't asked us to confirm numbers for the creche so I'm wondering how they will know how many staff to provide

I certainly don't expect them to just let me have DS there but don't know whether to ask if that's possible or just say I won't go - that seems a tad rude as well

OP posts:

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 17/08/2009 09:54

if they are providing a creche they will certainly have thought of the possibility that a child won't settle and that they may have a child or two around.

You may (sorry for saying it) get away with saying he is oging into the creche and then paying a token gesture into getting him settled. the thing is at 8 months he may sleep at some point during the day, at least then you can have somewhere for him to rest whilst you enjoy yourselves.

MrsBadger · 17/08/2009 10:01

If no confirmation re creche has been asked then you can assume they have catered for staffing levels for all the children they have invited.

It would be the height of bad manners to take a child into a explicitly child-free wedding that has free childcare laid on, or even to ask to do so.
Either you or DH would have to stay in the creche with DS.

But for an 8mo I would contact the creche provider and have a chat - if nothing else it'll put your mind at rest.
If you do go, arrive early and hang out with DS with the carers for a bit.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/08/2009 10:03

They seem very thoughtful in providing childcare, its not their fault you dont want to use it.

Personally, I wouldnt leave DS in a creche but that would be my choice and I'd still thank the person for offering to provide childcare.

Roomfor2 · 17/08/2009 10:10

"I certainly don't expect them to just let me have DS there but don't know whether to ask if that's possible"

I think it would be a bt rude to ask if you can be the exception to the rule and keep your DS with you on the day (if that is what you mean).

We asked for no children under 5 at our wedding and didn't think to provide childcare (it is a very thoughtful thing of them to do, and they obviously hope it will enable everyone to attend without worrying about their DCs).

I'm sure they will have hired someone professional, but doubt they would mind if you just asked.

You could pose it as "Are they qualified to look after babies, or is the creche aimed more at toddlers? Because I know you'll need more carers if there are babies as they need more one-to-one attention". That way, you are not accusing them of not thinking it through, but you are also checking on suitability of the carers.

Original poster

girlafraid · 17/08/2009 10:15

Just to clarify - nowhere on the invite does it specifically state no children but I think the creche is a nice way of saying they don't want them at the wedding or party

OP posts:

LIZS · 17/08/2009 10:19

Do you know anyone else likely to use it ? Maybe you could check on the kids in turn and even sit in. Personally I would expect to confirm a place even if not specifically requested to do so. Just politely ask about the set up as Roomfor2 described and for a contact so you can see what you may need to bring along for him (ie. toys, buggy etc).

MIAonline · 17/08/2009 10:24

Just phone your friend up and ask her for the number of the creche company and then phone them up. They will be qualified, they will be ofsted registered and they will have very good ratios, probably better than in a nursery. If you speak to them you will feel better ( I would also be wary, but without good cause!). You will be on site presumably, so you can stay with your DS if you need to.

If you don't want to use it then just say you can't go, if they are offering (and paying a lot of money) for a creche then it does mean no children!

theyoungvisiter · 17/08/2009 10:41

actually I disagree - I have been to several weddings where there was childcare provided but only if you wanted to use it.

And very often, people like toddlers out of the way but don't mind about babies.

I'd say the first step is to ring your friend and just ask the question. You can phrase it nicely - just say "I just wanted to check, does the offer of a creche mean that you'd prefer no children at the wedding, or just for certain parts, or are you not bothered? As you know X is only 8 months and this will be the first time I've left him with strangers so I'm a bit apprehensive about leaving him for the whole day."

I'm sure they'll understand - and they might even surprise you and say "no, we just wanted to give people the opportunity to let their hair down, there's no obligation to leave your kids"

theyoungvisiter · 17/08/2009 10:43

sorry, just to clarify, the "disagree" bit was in relation to Mia's comment; "if they are offering (and paying a lot of money) for a creche then it does mean no children!"

If as you say, they haven't specified on the invitation then I think that's not necessarily the case at all.

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