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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want to leave my PFB in a creche at a wedding?

107 replies

girlafraid · 17/08/2009 09:28

Friends without children are getting married next month, they don't want kids there and are providing a creche at the venue for those who can't find babysitters (we can't)

All very good and sensible of them EXCEPT.... I don't want to leave DS in a creche where I don't know the qualifications of the staff or how many children and babies they will be looking after - am I being dreadfully U or can you see my point???

OP posts:
lobsters · 17/08/2009 10:51

It's worth asking the question as to what is expected. My sister got married when DD was 4 months and she had a creche for several children. The only time children were really expected to be in it was for the ceremony (about 20 mins), the rest of the time it was up to you if you wanted the children in the creche, or out and about with you. All the children were about for the drinks reception, and about half for the meal. The creche was a room in the venue and it worked really well, DD had a nap (eventually) during dinner so we could eat our meal knowing she was being watched. I know at times children actively wanted to be in the creche as it had lots of toys and children to play with, rather than being dragged round a load of adults they didn't really know to say hello and look cute.

iwouldgoouttonight · 17/08/2009 10:56

We went to a wedding when DS was 3 months old and a creche was provided which we used. We asked our friends who were getting married for details of the staff and where they found them, if they were recommended by someone, etc so we felt comfortable with it. As it turned out, we were the only ones to use the creche in the end (most others left their DCs at home) so DS had four staff fussing over him!

We only used it for the service itself and then brought DS into the reception so I could feed him, with the knowledge that if he did need a sleep or was being disruptive or whatever I could take him out and there were people to look after him.

Ours was in a room right next to the reception was held so it would have been easy to pop in and out to check on him.

I'd just ask them to give you details about it so you're comfortable with it.

stealthsquiggle · 17/08/2009 11:05

OP - if the invite doesn't say no children then I would think it was optional and is being very considerately provided for your convenience - but either way it is more than reasonable to ask what they had in mind.

When my child-free friend got married she asked my advice as they didn't want children at the ceremony and I advised her to get the local nursery to provide the creche under their insurance, employment checks, etc, etc - which she did, and got details which she sent to all the invitees with children, and then she was able to confirm numbers with the nursery for staffing. DS stayed there for the ceremony and then came to join us for dinner etc - as did DD (then ~7mths) and each of them went back to the creche when they were tired - it worked brilliantly.

NeedCoffee · 17/08/2009 11:09

Wow, how fab of them to do that. YANBU to question qualifications, of course you're not, give them a call, find out the details, if you're not happy with it, see if they are ok with you having DS there, if not, possibly arrange your own sitter, or don't go

katiestar · 17/08/2009 11:27

My DB had a creche at his wedding and I was a little concerned as it was in a differeny country.But all the staff had qualifications and the creche was only across the hallway from the reception room so you could wander across and check on them.
They did request all DCs be left there for the duration of the speeches which was less than an hour and I think it would have been unreasonable to go against this.All the DCs had a fabulous time (the babies were thrilled being round so many bigger kids) .the little ones flaked out in cots and mattresses and the older ones watched DVDs

stealthsquiggle · 17/08/2009 11:33

I meant to say - the reason my friend asked my advice is that when you don't have DC you have no idea what questions parents are going to want to ask / worry about - her MIL was all in favour of getting a couple of random local babysitters but between us we quashed that idea in favour of services from Ofsted-registered nursery and all the assurances that come with it. It cost them more, but meant that they felt they could reasonably insist on no DC at the actual ceremony (which the bride very reasonably wanted because she had been to a couple of weddings where LOs had been allowed to wail/yell unchecked through the ceremony )

simplesusan · 17/08/2009 12:05

I think the bride and groom are being very generous to provide a creche. I have never heard of this before.
I have always had to provide my own babysitter for childfree weddings.
I would just enquire about the qualifications of the staff. Personally I would feel that if they have gone to the trouble of providing a creche then unless your child is quiet and still at the wedding, they want them in the creche.

TheProfiteroleThief · 17/08/2009 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeyfeathers · 17/08/2009 12:15

I went to a wedding where the couple had provided a creche when my son was about 2. It wasn't a child-free wedding at all--the couple had children of their own who were attending. They'd simply decided that it would be most enjoyable for everyone (including the DCs) for there to be somewhere more entertaining for the kids to be, and where they could eat child-friendly food at a time more suitable for them. The kids all attended the ceremony, but spent most of the reception in the creche. It was great, and very generous of them.

Original poster
girlafraid · 17/08/2009 14:52

I've had this clarified - they don't mind children being there for the ceremony but no children or babies during the meal or for the evening do (DS would be in bed then anyway so we wouldn't be able to stay late) & if there's any issues they would expect the parents to leave the meal, they've been quite clear

They can't give me any details but just say all staff will be qualified - that's not good enough for me and so we will attend the ceremony and then go home. I think they think I'm being a bit OTT but there you go....

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 17/08/2009 15:01

Interesting choices - most people go for the other way around, I would have thought (definitely no DC for ceremony, possibly well-behaved ones for meal, all welcome for evening) - however, each to their own, you have your clarity and have made your decision, so that's fine.

TeamEdward · 17/08/2009 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stigaloid · 17/08/2009 15:15

YABU - they are being extremely generous and thoughtful IMO. My friends are marrying and wont have kids at any part and are offering absolutely no alternative. DH is now going on his own and DS and I are going to be left at home.

If you don't like the childcare arrangements, don't go, but YABU to not appreciate their thoughtfulness at this gesture.

violethill · 17/08/2009 15:28

Sounds like they are being very generous and thoughtful, and making life as easy as they can for guests with children, while retaining their right to have a reception and evening do which is child free. I don't blame them - your typical formal meal with speeches, followed by an evening do when kids would be exhausted and whingy is hardly suitable for little ones.

I'd be very grateful that I wasn't having to organise and pay for my own childcare arrangements. Also, 8 months is hardly new born is it? I wouldn't have a problem personally - I'd go and enjoy the day.

stickylittlefingers · 17/08/2009 15:46

YANBU, as long as you've made it clear to your friend that you appreciate the effort they've been to, but while yours is still a baby you don't want to leave them with an unknown person. I've been invited to weddings with such arrangements in the past, and still think it's fine for the older ones (i.e. four and over) since they're that much more robust, but the little ones might get themselves in a tizzy with people they don't know. I'm the same about holiday clubs and that sort of thing. Other people mightn't mind, but I would just worry! And it's not just PFB, it's PSB too!

thesecondcoming · 17/08/2009 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PracticalCat · 17/08/2009 15:57

I think you should use the creche and enjoy the wedding. I understand your reservations, but it sounds like a safe place for your ds and it's probably a good way of beginning to let go a bit, especially as you will probably be very close by.

I'm also a bit pfb about DS and went to two weddings this year where I arranged an unfamiliar (hotel recommended) sitter to mind him for part of the event. At the first wedding, DS was 9 months and I was also hesitant, but so glad I did it. Both times, I spent a bit of time with the sitters, chatting with them, and making sure that DS was comfortable. I also limited the amount of awake time he spent with them - it seemed a bit unfair on DS to leave him with a stranger for the whole event.

I checked on him as much as I liked and left my mobile number telling them to call me for any small thing. DS puked at the first wedding, and the sitter (barely 16) handled it well and called us immediately.

If the creche is near to the venue, you can monitor him so closely and enjoy the wedding. And, most importantly, it lays the foundation for the next time - it gets much easier to trust a qualified, vetted stranger to mind one's pfb after the first time. All necessary, imho.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/08/2009 17:24

i am a nanny and do lots of wedding creches - i am doing one next saturday

i work through several agencys - as well as get work through my adverts on internet

what normally happens is that agencys go to hotels saying they do a wedding creche and offer their services

then the client (your friend) would get the number and ring the agency - who then will take details of ages and names of children (or the wedding planner at hotel can do it) and the agency will make sure that there are the right number of nannys for amount of children

you are quite in your rights to want to know who is looking after your child - i promise you us nannys are nice and well trained for such events x

ALL the nannys used by the agencys will be crb checked and have 1st aid - most are qualified as well

mumeeee · 17/08/2009 17:32

girlafraid It's very thoughtful for your friends to provide a creche for thier wedding and they say all the staff will be qualified. YABU and PFB to say that's not good enough for you because they can't give you the details. Perhaps they haven't quite got all the staff and so are not able to give you anymore details.

TsarChasm · 17/08/2009 17:32

I can't see they could do any more; so I guess you'll have to leave early then..

Lol at 'the moon on a stick' It's a saying dh and I use.

londonone · 17/08/2009 17:46

Christ almighty some of you are unbelievable. I am getting married next year and I was going to provide a creche as 1) The church is very small so we are tight for space already 2) Under 5s very rarely are able to sit througha long meal and speeches nor would want to 3) we thought it would take pressure off parents many of whom are travelling a distance to the wedding.

However reading the attitudes of SOME parents on this thread I beginning to think sod it let them sort themselves out, I will keep the grand it was going to cost and spend it on people who are less nitpicky.

On the other hand I don't think any of my friends and family are as PFBish as some of the posters here so it will prob be fine!

Blondes what area of the country do you work in?

piscesmoon · 17/08/2009 17:55

I wouldn't worry londonone-your friends and family are probably fine. I made arrangements for children at my wedding and people actually trusted me to have their interests at heart. I can't see the problem OP can pop in and out if she wants to! The DCs will much prefer it.

dollyparting · 17/08/2009 17:55

Me too, Londonone - we are having NO guests at all at our wedding.

SoupDragon · 17/08/2009 17:59

The crèche is at the venue, you will be able to check in whenever you like. Sounds absolutely ideal!

londonone · 17/08/2009 18:03

lol - pisces so far everyone has been delighted with the idea. this way it means that then children can be there for the bits they will enjoy i.e racing around the garden during the drinks, perhaps having a dance later on, but don't have to be made to be quiet in church or sit through a long meal which they would prob find boring. I kind of hoped that people I care enough about to invite to my wedding would trust me not to set up childcare run by nutters and paedos which is what I presume the OP is worried about!