To NOT want to leave my PFB in a creche at a wedding?

[girlafraid]

Friends without children are getting married next month, they don't want kids there and are providing a creche at the venue for those who can't find babysitters (we can't)

All very good and sensible of them EXCEPT.... I don't want to leave DS in a creche where I don't know the qualifications of the staff or how many children and babies they will be looking after - am I being dreadfully U or can you see my point???

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

DOn't go then.

[CarmenSanDiego]

Hmm. In a way, I don't blame you. At 8 months, your dc is still a baby and a first born in particular is hard to leave with strangers.

But (and talking as a very protective mum myself) I think if you could relax, you could just play it by ear. Go along, see what the creche is like, whether the nannies are gum-chewing, tattooed 13 year olds or whether they seem quite responsible and experienced. You can then make a decision

Given the creche is at the venue and they'll have your number, I really don't see the problem. You'll be able to pop in and out and check on him.

As for saying you can't enjoy the evening do because ds needs to be in bed - can't you take some sort of travel cot or basket for him?

Have you not had a night out since he's been here?

You really need to think about taking baby steps to letting go, just a teensy bit. This seems such a great opportunity. I've got a similarly aged baby and would be amazingly grateful and happy to enjoy a wedding and leave the baby with experienced carers, somewhere nearby where I could check on him!

[Portofino]

YABU! My friend did this at her wedding though children were sat at special kids tables during the meal and entertained. After the "formal" bit, every one sat in the garden and the children charged round a bit. It was lovely. And considering there are so many complaints on here about childfree weddings, I think it's a lovely thing to do.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

londononee - i am in kent - where are you getting married?

obv depending on amount of children - and hours you want, sure my friends and I could do it for less than 1K

for all you brides who have done wedding creches/thinking about it - it really is a fab idea - as much as you may all love children, sometimes they are noisey and what should be the best day of your life and prob the most expensive shouldnt get ruined by selfish parents

i was at a wedding in april and had 4 babies/toddler in church and 2 started moaning/crying and then really wailing - and did the parents take them out - no they didnt

if i were that bride i would have been furious, when she watched her dvd all through her vows there is wah, wah, wah

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

op - you are quite within your rights to leave after the church do,but i think it is lovely that your friends have made the effort to sort out childcare

[TotalRockChick]

The problem with weddings is there is a certain time for noise and a certain time for quiet, and unfortunately explaining this to a young baby just isn't feasable.

I've been to some weddings where the babies are screaming their lungs out 24/7 which isn't very nice for anyone involved, least of all the parents who can't settle the little one. It tends to ruin their regular routine which unsettles them and makes them twice as likely to act up as normal.

I would speak to the bride/groom, who are trying to help their friends with kids as much as possible by providing free childcare on the day, confirm as others have said about qualifications of those taking care of the kids, and confirm whether or not you have to leave DS in there the whole time or whether it is just an opportunity to let you have some time off being a mummy to enjoy yourself, eat, drink and be merry while DS has a good old snooze in a peaceful side room somewhere.

Its quite likely the bride/groom will be cool about you popping off to check in every now and then and maybe having DS with you for some time, but its their wedding so do confirm with them because it really is the worst scene to end up having a disagreement with a friend on their wedding day.

Ultimately even if you end up leaving early because you're unhappy with the childcare arrangements you've shown your face and shown willing, and if it doesn't work out theres nothing stopping you going home early.

[londonone]

I think we will be a bit far away in the furthest reaches of cornwall! Do you happen to know any nationwide companies?

[Blondeshavemorefun]

only sitters, but tbh i wouldnt trust half their nannys - they didnt even check my friends cv/ref/to see if she had 1st aid

sure there must be nanny agencys in cornwall - sure you will find someone - tho not as lovely as me

[londonone]

Prob not even half as lovely!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

tis true

[piscesmoon]

The creche is at the same venue-if first aid should be needed they can get the parent within minutes-they can get the parent with any problem. An 8 month baby could cope perfectly well-I think it is the parent who can't! I could see a problem if they were some distance away, but I assume that they are in a nearby room-they just happen to be out of sight.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

girlafraid - where are they getting the girls from?

has the hotel reconmended an agency? or is your friend finding them? if so then surely she can make sure they are 1st aid trained and have a crb etc

[merrymonsters]

I think it depends on the baby. DS1 would probably have been alright in a creche at 8 months, but DS2 and DD were very clingy to me at that age. It's the classic time for separation anxiety.

I guess if you have a clingy baby you could just hang around in the creche with your baby. Weddings are pretty boring anyway.

[girlafraid]

Thank you for all the feedback - it is good to get other perspectives and I'm quite aware I'm a bit PFB...
I really hope I haven't been ungrateful, I think it's incredibly generous of the bride & groom to lay this on and in our conversations over the last 2 days I have repeated this and come up with the solution of us coming to the service, leaving DS at the creche for a while and then heading off around his bed time (6pm!) so he can sleep in the car & go straight to bed when we get home
I've said they don't need to provide a meal for DH and I in case we're leaving before it finishes

You may be interested to know that they are not at all happy with this and have told me I am very very U, I feel like I'm being held to ransom by the creche and must use it or else! They're also not happy we're not staying in a hotel and would leave early.

No doubt I'm a bit PFB but I actually think they are now BU!!

[Stayingsunnygirl]

I think that sounds like a reasonable compromise, girlafraid. Can I suggest a small modification, though. Say that you and dh would like to stay for the meal, with ds in the creche, and then just see how things go.

You might find that ds is happy as larry in the creche, and that you instantly feel happy with the creche staff, and it all works out beautifully so that you all enjoy the day and get to celebrate the big day with the bride and groom.

Worst case, either he isn't happy in the creche, or you aren't happy with the creche, and you have to leave earlier, after the service. In that case you will still have seen them get married (which is still, in my book at least, the central point of the day), your friend will feel you have made the effort to share her big day and may understand better why you leave if ds is screaming/unhappy.

[Roomfor2]

Your plan sounds reasonable to me, but I would do what stayingsunnygirl suggests and just see how it goes. DS might have a blast in the creche and you can enjoy yourselves a bit longer.

If you need to leave early because of bedtime, then that's fair enough I think. You can't chop and change with an 8 mth old's bedtime the same as you can with a toddler/older child. Unless you think you could get away with taking PJs and getting your DS to sleep in a pram for the evening, I would not feel bad about leaving early. It's just a shame as you will be just getting into the swing of enjoying yourself and you will have to leave! But such is life with small children.

Could you not get an evening babysitter, take DC home and then go back for the party?

[redorwhite]

I think you should be prepared to give it a try as others have suggested. You/he may really like the creche and all will be well.

If not you can always just go to ceremony, whichever of you is the closer friend could go on while the other waits outside with DS and then leave if needs be. Your friends will hopefully be pleased you made the effort.

I have to admit I never want to bring DCs to a wedding. I have a much better time without them (bad mummy alert!!!)

[TheDMHatesMe]

OP, late to this but just wanted to say that I think YANBU.

I went back to work when DD was 8 months old and well remember how it felt to leave her with her (lovely) childminder. I wouldn't have wanted to leave her in a creche at all and certainly not in the evening.

You have offered a very reasonable compromise - I agree the bride and groom are BU and in your shoes I'd probably not bother to go at all.

[Stayingsunnygirl]

TheDMHatesMe - you are right - I meant to say in my post that I think the bride and groom are being very unreasonable to be so upset about the compromise that the OP has offered.

I assume that they haven't got any children of their own, but to be honest, this isn't much of an excuse, in my opinion. It doesn't take that much imagination or intelligence to realise that a baby's needs are different to those of an adult, and that sometimes a baby's needs will not fit in neatly with adult arrangements - and that in those circumstances it is entirely reasonable for the parents to look after the needs of the baby!

[lupo]

hI

Wanted to post to say no way would i leave ds with people I didnt know at that age...mind you I am very PFB and only time I could bring myself to trust anyone except immediate family with him was when he started pre school at 3.

Your baby, your decision but I wouldnt do it personally..and I dont think the bride and groom should presurize you to either

[EyeballsintheSky]

Is it possible for you to stay at the hotel or nearby overnight? I've not been to a wedding with a creche but we went to about three weddings last year with dd who was under a year old. It helped enormously for one of us to be able to take her upstairs if she was getting a bit lively or grotty and whoever the wedding was most important to IYSWIM got to stay downstairs for a boogie whilst the other one took dd up to bed.

[violethill]

That's a good suggestion eyeballs.

I think the OP will look back a few years down the line and maybe a couple of kids later and wonder what on earth she was being so PFB about. There are two of you going, the creche is on site.... what on earth is there to worry about?! Worst case scenario is that the baby won't settle in the creche, in which case you could take turns to join in the fun, and pop outside to look after the baby. On the other hand, as many people have pointed out, the baby may be absolutely fine and love seeing and doing new things. A lot depends on how the parents feel themselves though. If a parent is over protective and never leaves a child with anyone and is hugely anxious about separation then the child will pick up on it. If the parent is relaxed and treats new situation as exciting and positive, chances are their children will pick up on those positive feelings.

I do agree that the bride and groom shouldn't be exerting pressure - at the end of the day it's the parents choice to use the creche or not. But maybe they're feeling a bit exasperated that having gone to the trouble of organising childcare, the OP doesn't want it without giving it a chance.

I would at least agree to the meal and try the creche - life doesn't stop when you have kids!

[jellybeans]

Dont go if you are not happy. I wouldn't (maybe with older kids but not a baby if didn't know them). you got to put your kids first.

[stonethecrows]

Agree with Violethill - imagine the bride and groom are just feeling frustrated as they have actually thought of people with children enough to provide free childcare.

For goodness sake, they have more to worry about than your particular childcare issues - either go and stop putting extra conditions on their generosity, or just don't go and be done with it.

YABvvvU and pfb.

[TheDMHatesMe]

I honestly don't understand why people are saying this is PFB.

If a woman chooses not to go back to work, and stay at home with her child, because she doesn't want to put him/her in childcare, we would all (hopefully) say that that this is her choice and good for her. Not that she is PFB.

So why is OP PFB for not wanting to leave her DS in childcare which she knows nothing about, where there will be no settling in, etc?

I don't think I'm the least bit PFB, and DD went to a childminder when she was 8 months, but I would not have put her in a creche like this.