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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that no men really, truly do like and appreciate a fat woman?

260 replies

fedupintheoffice · 11/08/2009 21:40

I mean, why would they?

I'm a 21 stone, size 28. I haven't had a boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I find that men are really grossed out by my flabs. What man in his right mind would choose someone like me when they can have a slim, toned beauty.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 11/08/2009 22:14

Yeah SomeGuy, but quite a lot more men like skinny women and participate and encourage their unhealthy constant diet obsessions, exercise addictions, self-hatred etc. etc. I think THAT is pretty manipulative too.

hatesponge · 11/08/2009 22:14

korma, I could have written your post, except that when I was 'thin' I always thought I was too fat (I was at most about half a stone overweight!).

It's only since I have been fat (size 18-22, weight unknown but I would estimate about 15/16 stone) that I have had what I would call a proper loving relationship in which I have actually felt comfortable with a man seeing me naked, which 5 stone lighter I never ever was.

When we first met, I said that I was trying to lose weight, & that he would really like me in a few months when I was thinner, to which he said that wasn't what it ie attraction was all about to him, and he would feel the same whatever size I was. I honestly believe that to be true.

If you want to lose weight for health or other reasons then do, but please don't ever think a man won't love you because you are fat, or will if you are thin.

MaDuggar · 11/08/2009 22:15

ewwww PPP!

wickedwitchofwestfield · 11/08/2009 22:16

I am a former 20st-er - I say former because I am on weight watchers and have shed a few stone - and I have a delightful young man who's going to marry me and whom I got with when I weighed 20st 7lb.

agree with everyone who says it is about confidence, even at my biggest I have always attracted male attention because I believe that, quite simply, I am quite the dish lol.

if you are that depressed by your weight, have a go at losing some - the big/slim/whatever threads have really inspired me on here and weight watchers is my saviour - if you don't want to then work with what you've got girl! like someone else said, I bet you have more going for you than you realise and its amazing what a little bit of confidence can do to an outfit.

look at beth ditto, that woman clearly wears things that she probably shouldn't but she works it - and ooozes confidence to boot!

just remember - ain't nobody can love you until you love (or at least like) yourself

ThePregnantPhantomPlopper · 11/08/2009 22:16

It was the only skinny woman he could pull. The wanker.

K999 · 11/08/2009 22:17

71 ffs...

4andnotout · 11/08/2009 22:20

Im a size 20-22 and my dp still finds me attractive, different horses for different courses and all that.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 11/08/2009 22:20

My best friend is the most sought after woman I know when we go out - she is 18stone and all of it is gorgeous.

As others have said it's a great deal more to do with confidence than looks for the majority of men.

motherbeyond · 11/08/2009 22:20

i must say,i wouldn't feel confident being overweight,but it's such a personal thing. the way i look reflects how confident i feel.that probably says a lot about me,and none of it good!...i wouldn't ever assume a larger lady felt the same though. i love to see happy confident people who love their shape.it is all about the vibes you put out.being happy with who you are is so attractive.my aunty is probably an 18/20...she has more confidence that i could ever hope for,and men and women alike are drawn to her.(plus she feels great to cuddle!

i do think it's wrong to judge either way just on appaearance though. i am a size 10/12, i go to the gym, i eat sensibly,i drink in moderation...some people may think i have a nice figure..it doesn't mean i love myself. i hate it when people think that

SomeGuy · 11/08/2009 22:21

Do men really manipulate women into losing weight that much dizietsma? I see lots of healthy women trying to lose weight and men say 'nah, you're not fat at all'. I think it's more to do with media images of skinniness than individual manipulation by individual men.

rosiest · 11/08/2009 22:21

I agree its about confidence. Try Weightwatchers like wiked witch said, its easy and could give you a boost in confidence if thats what you need. But be warned - its not guaranteed. I've every size from 8-16 and never been happy

dizietsma · 11/08/2009 22:29

"Do men really manipulate women into losing weight that much dizietsma?"

Yeah, mostly abusive relationships, but they are sadly all too common.

"I've every size from 8-16 and never been happy sad"

Here's the thing, until you address the underlying self-esteem issues, you will never feel great in your body. Doesn't matter WTF size you are. This is why most women are on perma-diets, boring us all to tears with their diet talk, it's an expression of their insecurity.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/08/2009 22:32

MY DH loves me I am 5ft 2 and I weigh 17.5 stone. My best friends brother won't look at a lady unles she is a size18+, that is what he likes and he is georgeous.

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/08/2009 22:33

I was a size 8, weighed 8 stone, had no confidence, hated myself, looked awful really! and had a crappy relationship with someone who was so shallow a puddle is deeper.

I met dp when i was a size 16 and one of the first things he said to me was "its great to see a woman that looks like a woman rather than a barbie doll"

4 years on I am a 12-14 and he is still happy he loves my curves and so do i.

SolidGoldBrass · 11/08/2009 22:33

From what I remember of 'Fat Is A Feminist Issue' here's me going all John Crace on it:
'WOmen get fat because their emotional needs are not being met and because the patriarchy has hurt their feelings. Here's a Feminist diet. You still have to stop eating so much, lard-arse'.

There are some health risks which are sometimes associated with being really, really fat - but most people who are really, really fat got that way through repeated dieting because when they were only slightly fat - or not actually fat at all - they were told to lose weight or be perceived as Bad People. The entire slimming industry is a con and a health hazard. Plenty of big people are healthier than some thinner people - if you stay thin by eating fuck all and doing three ounces of speed a day, you are not healthy. If you are obsessed with staying thin you are probably not good company and not much cop in bed either. People's experiences and attitudes to food vary a lot, so do people's shapes and sizes. The generalized excessive fat phobia that is currently all over the Western world is a major health hazard - when women who are a dress size 12 or 14 are told they are unacceptably fat and disgusting, it's no wonder that eating disorders are widespread.

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/08/2009 22:34

meant to say now i have more confidence than when i was a size 8

piscesmoon · 11/08/2009 22:35

I don't think it is anything to do with size-it is actually how you feel about yourself. If you are miserable about it then you won't be attractive, but if you are completely happy, relaxed and confident about it then men will find you attractive. It is all in the mind. I have recently lost weight-my DH like the curves but I felt too fat. He then said that I was right and he was wrong -but it wasn't the weight loss, it was because I am much happier and feel much fitter.

dizietsma · 11/08/2009 22:36

Good god, SGB, I will tell my friend to put that book in the bin!

pasturesnew · 11/08/2009 22:40

There are plenty of men who like big boobs and bums and not that bothered about size of tummies or arms etc. AT ALL. Also plenty of men who go for faces first and foremost.

A couple of times being heavily pregnant and wearing a dress I have been approached in a "how you doing?" kind of way more often by blokes who have seen me from behind!

But in general IMO and IME you def. get chatted up more if you have a low cut top and / or a skirt rather than trousers and / or lipstick on, regardless of size.

Nancy66 · 11/08/2009 22:45

Ok, let's not confuse 'curves' with 'flab' - a curve goes in and out.

yes, i think a lot of men like a curvy woman - I doubt too many like morbidly obese women.

I wouldn't go out with a 30 stone man. A bit of a paunch? Fine? A couple of love handles? No problem? A double chin? Ok by me - but when you're getting into 'endangering your health' territory then, no, that's not sexy.

Tryharder · 11/08/2009 22:56

I've been both fat and slim and generally have had more male attention when slim. But I agree it's often about how you carry yourself and your self confidence. One of the most attractive women I know is a size 16!

But I think the OP has a point. If you are fat, there are a lot of men (and women) who are quick to be very nasty.

rosiest · 11/08/2009 22:57

How do you address self esteem issues dizietsma? been with DH 10 years and he has found me attractive at all my sizes, if thats not enough i don't know what is. Its me that hates what I see.

I agree with Nancy - men like curves in general - not skinniness or flab

motherbeyond · 11/08/2009 22:58

agree nancy...i also think you can't help what you find attractive.personally,i wouldn't find a bit of a paunch,or a double chin attractive.in the same way my dh wouldn't fancy me that way. i didn't look like that when we first met,and i know he doesn't think fat people are attractive.
it's not that he wouldn't LOVE me,just not Fancy me..i'm ok with that and i feel the same way regarding his appearance.if he put too much weight on,i'd say"oi,sort it out"

i'll probably be deemed as shallow for this post but just being honest in what i find sexy.each to their own

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/08/2009 23:58

I have flab, its my belly....dp loves it, every night he snuggles up to me and puts his hand on my belly, i used to move it when we first got together or suck it in lol....difficult when you are trying to relax lmao

But now I am me and thats that.

CyradisTheSeer · 12/08/2009 01:24

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