To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

do what you want.if you and your dc are happy alls well.

This is quite a difficult one, but I feel it very much depends on the child.

Starting school is quite a stressful time and it may well be that your DS really needs to continue to bf for comfort. I think your family are being really unfair and quite nasty to say to your DS that he will be bullied if he continues. Tbh it's really none of their business and if I were you I'd be having some very sharp words with them about it!

It's totally up to you and your DS when you stop and I'm absolutely sure that you will both know when the time is right. He will be away from you more during the day too which might cute down on the number of feeds (or he may just increase his feeds to compensate!). My DS is only 18 months and unfortunately I have to work part-time, so he's away from me for about 5hrs 3 days a week. I found bf him through the transition was an excellent way for him to reconnect with me when he comes home. I don't know how long we'll continue, but I certainly won't be stopping before I feel he's ready or bow to pressure from relatives.

Why is a tuna sandwich different to breastfeeding? In this context I would say it's almost identical.

Silly, innocuous thing (tuna/breastmilk) gets turned into opportunity for bullying. I got picked on at school for wearing the wrong type of earrings, for eating brown bread, for having an old fashioned name! Let's face it, if your kid's going to get bullied they will be bullied about something regardless. Breastfeeding or not breastfeeding is irrelevant.

NaturalMama - you say your ds is quite shy and quiet, and little for his age. I know this may not be a popular suggestion, but is there any value in waiting to start school? There's no need (in my opinion) for 4 year olds to go to big school, they're still very young. Could he go straight into Year 1, and either be HE'd for a year, or stay at nursery?

I surely didn't mean for this to become a debate on extended breastfeeding, nor for my son to be considered a poster child or even 'typical' for an extended breastfeeder.

I was just curious of the opinions of what you would think/feel/wonder if a close friend of yours were breastfeeding at 4.

Again I will state regarding the nap thing - if you read in the OP it says 'in place of and/or before/after the kip' - and again, this could be about 45 minutes or so every 3-4 days if we've had a very long day out. As he is just about to start school, I'm trying to get in all the fun days out we can, which with a 4-yr-old and baby generally means a long morning out with lunch, back home to put the baby to sleep and DS has a kip too on occasion. So do I for goodness sake!

Why should a 4-yr-old not be allowed to nap if he needs one during a full-on day in the summer?

I think it is your choice and whatever choice you make should not be made because of what other people think.

Naturalmama, my DS1 will still fall asleep in the car on longish journeys etc. I wasn't meaning that negatively at all, just that beware, he will be shattered and that the BF issue is nothing to be worried about.

'I was just curious of the opinions of what you would think/feel/wonder if a close friend of yours were breastfeeding at 4.'

id think it was up to them

when dc first start school you find that they get very tired-so would i

'Because they were breastfed passed walking age?'

I don't think it a good idea to associate comfort with putting things in the mouth whether boobs, bottles, dummies or chocolate. Masses of adults comfort eat when they are down or upset, they also eat because they are bored. Much of it will come from childhood as in 'what a brave boy, have a sweet to make it better' or 'have some minty (to use OP name for it) to make it better'. I think there are much better ways to give comfort-not associated with the mouth.

My first response is "Feed him as long as you like! It is working for you."

But the kids are most likely going to hammer him.

I agree they shouldn't and I agree that the school should deal with the bullying if it happens. But they will and the school probably won't. There will also be the whispers at the school gate. Once again, it shouldn't be that way but it is. If you feel strong enough to ride it all out then good for you, go for it, but it is going to happen.

I wouldn't want to set my DS up as different if it was at all avoidable and I think in this case it is.

I try to deal with the world as it is, not how I would like it to be.

Also am in awe that your 4 year old has a nap! DS stopped napping in the day at around 18 months. So jealous.

pisces - I'm fairly sure that the reason breastmilk works as a "calmer" is because of the hormones present in the milk. Oxytocin, I think, has a calming effect on both mother and child.

Ok, being totally honest I am not a big fan of extended breastfeeding and if it was a friend of mine I might be privately a bit sneery. But publicly none of my business and I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But in your situation I wouldn't try and stop until he has settled well at school. No point taking that comfort away at a difficult time. Once he is happy at school, it will probably be easier than you think for it to naturally come to an end. I hope you don't feel you have to answer to extended family / friends. Its really none of their business.

I expect they do work as 'a calmer'and it is great for a baby-a 4 yr old could have a cuddle and a chat.

NM well done on keeping it up so long.

I am still feeding DD 4.9 and DS 2.4 whilst 23 weeks pregnant . OMG! Hang, draw and quarter me now.

She only feeds occasionally and it is usually at bedtime or early morning snuggle time. I have no problem with this and neither does she. In fact last week when she had tonsilitis it was a godsend.

I am sorry to hear it is the people you feel should be supporting you that are the ones criticising your decisions. This is probably one of the things that hurts most. It is still nutritious and still comforting. If you think back across the last 4 years your DS has had to welcome a sibling, lose a sibling and then welcome another sibling into his life. On top of all the growing up every little one is doing it is tough. That is a lot of upheaval for a little one to go through.

I understand in part where you are coming from as part of my decision to tandem feed when expecting twins was people saying you will have to stop BF DD now and I thought "why?". As it was one of my identical twin boys died shortly after birth and this was very traumatic for all of us including DD who couldn't understand where the other baby was. At this stage her comfort was more important than the nutrition in my mind so she BF when she fancied it and sometimes all she needed was a bit of comfort, however the nutrituion was/is still there. It also helps relieve any jealousy about the newborn, why can they have it and not me? As you can see from the above I have a baby on the way to "baby" so there is no intention on my part to do that.

We are not mollycoddling our children we are equipping them with the means to know when they are full, know when they need comfort and know that come what may Mummy is there for them.

Anyone who has EBF knows you can not make a child feed if they do not want to. It is not selfish on the mothers part making their child stay a baby. In fact I think some people are too quick to turn their babies into mini adults when they don't have the physical or emotional capability of behaving in an adult way at this age.

I think BF where children self regulate their milk intake helps reduce obesity not create it. Both my children know when they have had enough to eat/drink and stop.

I would be tempted to continue at least in the short term whilst your DS is starting shool. It is another big upheaval in his life and why put himn through the loss of his "minty" at the same time when he will probably need the comfort of his mum even more.

I suggest you find a suitable polite retort to those who ask and comment on whether you are still feeding along the lines of "Yes isn't it wonderful, we will continue until DS is ready to stop"

Sorry for the loss of your little one Naturalmama and Pisces sorry for the loss of your DH.

DD whispered to me the other day that xxxx at nursery still has Mummy milk (slightly older than her) and she was proud that she knew a secret (which it should not have to be) and also felt that she was not the only one. It may be that your DS will not be the only one. We EBF tend to keep this under our hats a little due to those who profess "you are doing it for your own benefit."

I would agree that you don't want to stop just when he is going to school-having gone on this long it seems sensible to wait until he is settled first-the 2 together is a bit traumatic.This is why I am all in favour of letting go slowly.

charley thank you so much for your post, and so sorry for the loss of your little boy. He was gorgeous, as are your other two. I'm sure you can understand some of what I was getting at regarding that it was comforting for me to feed DS at the time we lost our second, yet at this stage it's in no way related.

pisces and others - neither I nor DS use feeding as 'get a boo-boo, have some minty' - not at all. It's never in response to seeing me feed his sister, falling down, crying, impending daddy/mummy leaving, etc. etc. It's just a little ritual after breakfast and tea mostly. Like pudding

I plan to have a chat about it with him as after all, it only directly concerns me and him. He should have just as big a say! Thanks for the positive feedback pag and charley about your daughters being in reception and not having problems. Really bolsters me up.

Just out of interest, do you eat a lot of polos or something?

NaturalMama, just to say, I BF my DD until she was 5 - only at bedtime. It settled her for sleep. Again, no problems at school, I don't think she even thought of talking about it with friends, it was just part of her bedtime routine along with having a story. It stopped quite easily when I had to have chemo and explained to her that 'boop' would have to stop as Mummy had to take some medecine that would make it taste nasty. She never asked for it again. The good thing about children this age is that you CAN discuss it with them and yes, he should have a big say. I have only met one other person in RL who BF this late, and she was my oncologist's secretary.

Have to say DD is now 17 and does not remember 'Boop' - but we remain very close . It sounds like you and DS are close too, and I am sure this will run its natural course and he will be absolutely fine.

YABU, It could lead to bullying and negative reactions to both you and your child. To be honest I find the whole thing about bf a 4 year old quite odd. Why would you want or need to bf a child in reception?

I think it's your body and your dc so do as you want. However, the fact that you've started this thread must mean that you have your own doubts about continueing.

Everyone keeps talking about the trauma of starting school. Your ds sounds like a very clever little boy and school could really make his confidence. My dd went as a very shy child and is now if anything a bit over confident. However, I do agree that he is likely to be really really tired - dd's bedtime went from 7.30 to 6.30 for the first term (nice long evening for me so every cloud and all that!)

You asked for opinions and I would have thought that school would be a neat line to draw under bf. You would be able to have a proper conversation with your ds and explain things to him. My ds1 (also 4.2 although he doesn't sound as nice and polite as your ds ) would understand - maybe he could chose himself a new toy/teddy to take comfort from.

I also agree with an earlier poster that if you were to be completely fed up with it, that he would be unlikely to ask for bf. So in some unconscience way you are giving him permission to continue.

Hope school goes well - it really isn't as awful as it's being made out to be on this thread!

NM - Just read your last post again. Sounds like he's using minty as a post meal cigar! The thought just made me laugh.

Unfortunately NM I know exactly how you feel. I felt I had been expected to use 2 breast with 2 tiny babies so why not use 2 breasts for one tiny baby and one a bit older. I had hoped before DD was born to get to 6 months but to have got so far. Thank you for your comments about DS and DD.

Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. DD is at nursery and she starts school this Spetember, I am letting her decide when she wants to stop completely. You are absoolutley right it is their decision not just yours. It has got less and less as she has got older but sometimes she still needs "Mummy milk" and sometimes she just wants "Mummy milk."

You and DS should have your chat and work it out for yourselves, even tell others you have stopped if that helps you get on and do what is right for you and DS. It is nobody elses business.

Well done again.

i absolutley agree with morloth,she speaks the truth and sense.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

and for the record one of my friends is an EBF but possibly not doing it 'for the right reasons' and therefore i have my reservations of HER as an EBF'er as she uses it to reinforce negative behaviour and unfortunately sits on her high horse proclaiming on child care (whilst her little darling kicks the living shit out of anything he can before running back to mummy for boobie)

ok. I was first up on this thread about the connection of breast feeding and the bullying scenario. So I shall explain myself a little better

We all know that children can be extremely nasty to each other from a very young age. There will be lots of children at the school who have baby brothers and sisters. There will be talk about mums breat feeding. If this little fellow says that he still has it too, he may raise a few from the other children. They may well move on to saying he is a baby because he still has mummys milk. As they go through the school these things are remembered. It could well become more than this, and the teasing could lead to full scale bullying.

Not always but children don't need much to start teasing others and spreading it around.