To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

Seeing as you asked for honest opinions, I will add mine.

If all he is getting out of it is comfort, and you are too, after what was clearly a difficult time for all of you, it's time to stop. As Wannabe said - you sometimes have to stop a child from sticking with a dummy or it's favourite blanket or whatever for it's own good and I think this is another example. Your DS is old enough now that he can and should still be getting comfort from you, but should also be learning to fit in with other children and not rely completely on you. Of course it's natural for him - he's done it his whole life. But, notwithstanding MN's highly pro BF stance, I think if you are completely honest with yourself, you know it's unusual and unnecessary for a 4yo to be BF and that while MN might be broadly positive about it, the vast bulk of the community will not be. That's not to say you should make your decision based on what other people think, but if what you and DS are getting out of it isn't really enough to compensate for the fact that the majority of people you meet will think it's a bit strange, then is it worth it?

agree with goblin child

times when it might crop up in conversation are many: in the home corner feeding the babies, doing topics on baby animals, growing up, babies, myself, food etc etc also if another child has a new baby at home and tells the class about it or if a book is shared which has babies in it with or without bottles.

i agree with the fact that if someone is going to be the target of a bully then it will happen anyway and I wasnt suggesting that will happen but my point was that if is comes up and people at school get to know, how will you feel about that? You obvioudly arent comfortable with the comments from your family, so how would they seem cominf from relative outsiders.

If you decide to carry on, I think you need to have a conversation with your child so that he knows that not all 4 year olds still breastfeed and thats whilst it is perfectly ok, he needs to know that most of the children in his class probably dont do it.

Its the same if a child still wears pull ups at night, the subject is bound to come up and someone is bound to say something negative when it does - so maybe better to prepapre your child for that

great post pagwatch!

i am glad that pagwatchs kid is so popular-i wonder if she would have been had it been common knowledge amongst her class mates that she still was breastfed (and she may have been very outspoken about it and this may be the case in which case all credit to her) what i do know is you don't need to ADD any extras into the mix for bullying (and i am not saying it's right for bullies to prosper etc etc) but what i am saying is i bet the fat kid/the kid with glasses/the kid with ginger curls like orphan annie will be on his hands and knees praising allah if they find out there's a kid still being fed-ditto as they go through school-get to secondary school etc etc
kids are cruel.
ps fwiw a boy in my primary school poo'ed his pants when he was 7 (he had sickness and diaorrhea)that one shitting incident has stayed with him forever...his nickname at football is 'shitty' we are 37 years old now. i am not saying this is right by the way.

Hi NaturalMama - welcome to MN!

I'm also tandem nursing my 2 and a half year old ds and my almost 6 month old dd. My ds goes to nursery 2 and a half days a week, and doesn't have "milkies" in the day then - and hasn't since he was 13 months. I think your ds will be fine to go without it in the day, especially as he is old enough to discuss it rationally.

If you and he are happy with "still" nursing, then I would say stick with it. Also, "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" is a great book I would heartily recommend, your local LLL group should have a copy in their library you can borrow. You don't need to be a member to borrow the books, usually.

IME older children who nurse don't really talk about it much. I have a friend who is nursing her 4 and a half year old, and it's just not something that gets discussed. He also does not nurse in public anymore. I have another friend who breastfed until he was 4, and who remembers it very clearly as a very comforting, close thing with his mother. It hasn't damaged him, or turned him gay, or made him weird. He's a normal, intelligent, high-achieving, confident man - breastfeeding is not something he would normally discuss, we only got talking about it when I mentioned that ds had asked to nurse again after dd was born.

If the family comments are bothering you, then just stop discussing it with them. Every time they try and bring it up, just calmly say, "It's not something I'm willing to discuss with you," and change the subject.

sleepless - children IME don't really have very many negative emotions about bf-ing. It usually comes from their parents. Which is sad, don't you think?

I think plenty of people adults and children will have a different view from the majority of this thread. But, you already know this by comparing this thread with what your family and friends have already said to you and your DS. You and he will find this reaction at the school. You can shrug it off. But your 4 year old DS will no doubt take it a bit harder, especially as you say he is a shy child. I, personlyy, don't think you are doing him any favours. Children can be very mean. I guess you have to decide if the continued breast feeding is important enough that it is worth subjecting him to potential teasing. And you might also want to consider whether you yourself want to be the subject of coffee morning gossip.

tafka,as i have pointed out-the children who are breastfed and also their friends may not-however-having been the subject of an exclusion zone at primary school and weeping about it many,many times-the parents mould most friendships-and as athenenoctua has said-do you want to be the subject of gossip?
i have stated clearly ad repeatedly that i don't think it's right nor fair and i do think it's sad yes-but still a fact of life-or would you rather pretend that it didn't happen and potentially lead to a lot of piss taking and whispering behind the back of a woman who is already questioning her decision and not coping with the comments of dear ones?
Are you REALLY that pro EBF that you would want her to continue with that pressure??

sleepless

Yes - she has talked about bfing in front of her class mates because she has done it in front of me.

I don't regularly talk about her being popular.I am sure that made me look pretty glib. But I am trying to counter the nonsense views about being bfed and () admitting it being a fast track to being bullied.

She has many reasons to be bullied and yet isn't. having a big brother who can't talk and does weird stuff probably should add to the burden facing her.. And yet at nearly 7 she is fine. She approaches life with confidence and has no shame about her life and her upbringing.

But then I am quite happy to tell people I breast fed late too and had no shame in doing it. I think it is not really anyones business and feel that anyone who has an opinion on whether I breast feed or not should perhaps find a hobby. maybe my confidence in what I was doing also contributed to DDs attitude that she is just fine thanks.

Personally I think that if everyone who has reservations about whether the OPs child will be bullied at school left the thread and went and had a chat with their children about how breast feeding is normal and nothing to do with being a baby or sexually or emotionally suspect. And that when they go to school they will meet loads of people who do things differently to them but that that is wonderful and enriches the world, then perhaps some of these problems would be less of an issue.

at being the subject of coffee morning gossip. I was often breast feeding during coffeee mornings.

I am wondering now when the shunning will begin.

Well, NaturalMama could just wait and see what happens. Do any of your family's children attend the same school? Maybe they are worried about reactions as well as giving dirty looks and snarky comments.
My daughter got some hassle when her brother started secondary because he has AS. But she was strong and confident and saw them off. As did he, in a slightly different way.
If you are huffy about your family, you could practice your responses and ripostes on them, so you are ready for school.

i am so sorry to hear you lost a baby

that must have so traumatic for you all and i can understand why you carried on.

when i first read your thread title, i thought YUCk (like alot of people would) but when I read your message i could see why you carried on although in my opinion i dont think it a good idea especially for a boy. even more so because now he is starting school.

i have a 6 year old girl and i remember when she started school all my friends who had boys suddenly changed and grew up alot, they started the whole playing with boys only, rough play, kissing is yuck etc... so if they hear tell them about breastfeeding from his mum he will get plenty of stick from them.

and it would be confusing to tell him not to tell because then it would make him feel like its wrong.

i think its time for him to stop now and let him grow up and feel independent.

the feeding at this stage is surely just ritual and comforting which can be replaced with lots of hugs and kisses.

kids are harmless but can be so cruel especially when in a group, i just think its best you tell him that when he starts school he will not need "minty" anymore because he will be a big boy.

i dont want to scare you think the school playground is scary, its a fantastic new experience for them but he would get teased if he told them.

good luck

Wasn't the 4 year old in class whilst you were at the coffee morning?

wow,that's amazing-good for you and your dd.
I so know that would not be the case in my area-infact as a 'feeder' myself i was staggered at the number of mums arriving at the babygroups still feeding as in my postnatal group (which was post Christmas and my dd was 12 weeks old and the oldest of the babie,the youngest being 2 weeks) there were 2 of us feeding.

Wow thank you all for your excellent, thoughtful, and honest responses. I'd like to address a few specific questions.

First of all, it's never a public thing, not even in the house - if we have guests, DS comes to me and quietly says 'May I have minty Mummy' and if it's a good time (i.e. I'm dying to get away from mother in law ), we will go upstairs. If not, I say 'after tea' or some such, but he ALWAYS remembers whatever time/event I suggest we are having it after and will ask again. So the distraction/never offer technique I don't think will work.

Also, I definitely do have a bond with my son, one that got very muddled after the loss of my second. I would go through days of dark depression and highest elation, and my relationship with DS swung from the same pendulum. I had extensive grief therapy and counselling, both alone and family. We still talk about DS2 occasionally and aren't afraid of the topic - it's something that happened in our lives but we are so thankful for the two gorgeous children we have that we are able to discuss it calmly now. Of course there is sadness, but this is a completely separate thing.

Re: school - that is my biggest worry, that I will add to the likelihood of him becoming a bully's target. He doesn't talk about breastfeeding with anyone except me or very, very occasionally DH, he has been in nursery for 1.5 years and knows he can't have it in the day.

I think the solution is to ask him how he feels about it, what he wants to do and let him know that not everyone thinks its a good idea (although he's very clued in and knows Granny thinks its silly, etc.). Thanks for your comments so far - happy for them to continue and other advice about gently stopping would be good.

No idea about BF as it isn't something I would have done for various reasons but I do think you need to get him to drop his afternoon nap at his age! If you don't then he will be very tired in the afternoon at school and that tends to be when they do sports activities so your ds may struggle.

No problem as far as I was concerned. I did stop feeding DS#2 sometime during the year before he started school so he would have been about 4.2. And at that point I was only feeding him at night at home. WHen I stopped it was easy - he didn't really ask and he wasn't upset at all.

If you want to carry on do so. Ignore those who critisise. Only you and your child can decide. But if you do decide to stop it won't be traumatic or hard IME.

Good luck

If he's still 4, won't he be part-time till Christmas? An afternoon nap might be just what he needs after a tiring morning at school.

Am bowing down in awe at Pagwatch and UrbanDryad.

Am pmsl at some of the other views though.

OP - tis up to you, you already said it is a private event and only happens in your own home so there would be no chance of "being seen" etc. As others have said your son would be fine without BM during the day and he would be likely to drop it naturally anyway.
I can't see why he would be bullied, i doubt very much that he would go into school and talk about minty constantly. Even if he did mention it the chances are that none of the kids would have a clue what minty is anyway.

One of my friends fed until approx 4.5. She had no issues in school, the having a friend to tea issue didn't come up as if she did have a friend over she didn't ask for BM. Too busy playing i suspect.
My friend was never shunned by the coffee morning crowd either.

Mollie He has about 45 minutes every 3-4 days. Thanks for your concern but he needs it when all this is going on in holidays - he's just now 4 and very tiny for his age.

And as for bullying in the plaground, how will anyone know he is being fed still?

I don't see it as being a problem at school unless he is an unconfident DC in general.
I am afraid that my gut reaction is to be sorry for the DC when they are being bf when older.
I was widowed with a baby and apart from all the upset of losing a DH, who was everything to me,there was also the loss of my dreams of a big family. I had to smile and watch friends go onto have a second, third and in some cases more DCs. I was still bf when DH died and it would have been very easy to keep 'my baby'. I don't think it would have been fair on my DS to keep him as a baby because I wasn't going to have more.

Athene
Really ? ?

Feeling a touch humourless this morning?

Pisces As I said, the loss of DC2 doesn't have any bearing on this now. And also as I've said, I have a 7-month-old who I am more than happy to feed for another 2+ years, so it's not about 'keeping him a baby' in any form. He is small for his age, but he is very intelligent, an excellent communicator, popular among his nursery (teachers and other children), and impeccably polite. I wouldn't expect that from a baby.

'And as for bullying in the plaground, how will anyone know he is being fed still?'

The same way that I know all sorts of personal details about families, relationships, poohs and farts, sex toys and behaviour whilst drunk. Children get comfortable in school, they talk and contribute in informal situations in class and in the playground. And they have limited understanding of how some things are private and some things are not everyone else's experiences. And it can be an education for all, including the teacher.