To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

Sleepless the fact that your ds lost interest at 10 months does not mean that all babies will lose interest at 10 months. They are all different. The last time I did anything to encourage dd to bf was when she was about 3 weeks old. Certainly since she grew into toddlerhood I have never offered a feed (but have often had to refuse them).

"If the kid has to be coerced to continue (and my nct breastfeeding lady told me to return to bed for 48hours with the baby and do nothing but breastfeed) there was nothing i could've done that didn't border upon child abuse (ie getting her in headlock and forcing breast into mouth)" - this sounds pretty traumatic. Was it at 10 months or earlier?

sleepless
having had a total fruity about this yesterday myself - please don't let your self feel judged by other peoples opinions and choices.
I would not have persisted trying to feed my DCs at any point had it become difficult or stressful for me. I think balance and comfort between mother and child is more important than the means by which it is achieved.
But I never had to encourage DD. It was what she wanted. You just had a different experience. It was not a lesser experience - just different.

We seem to end up with the dogmatic/judgemental views always defining the debate when it shouldn't

Agree very much with pagwatch (but without the tassles).

Sleepless, I would have done the same as you and considered that I had done well. Personally my feeling is that your experience was natural term breastfeeding. I can see that it is probably unusual for children to self wean before a year but don't feel at all convinced that it never happens, and would be very much inclined to go with the flow if it happened to me.

dd1 was 11 months and at full time nursery but still breast fed,morning,lunchtime,after work and all night (we slept together until she was about 5)
dd2 was and is,with me even now,all day every day and all night every night.
When dd2 stopped i would have loved her to carry on as she had a diaorrhea for a month when we got back from holidays and barely ate/drank a thing.
If i could've got anything at all down her i would've done.She wasn't having any of it.
We have always had a chequered history with her,she fed,almost constantly from birth-didn't gain enormous amounts of weight at all and can still take or leave food,no matter what it is.
pag-i am with you kidder.I don't feel upset,i equally don't feel that when either of my children chose to stop feeding there was anything that i could've done to prevent that natural stage in their lives.

Great. So we are all agreed then that it's fine to stop when you want, and equally fine to carry on for as long as either you or your children want.

So maybe the only issue is how to deal with snarky comments.

For me, stopping feeding coincided (within a month or two) with DC coming out of nappies. On all 3 occasions I initiated it with phrases like 'Daddy's milk' ie from the fridge and you're a 'bigger boy/girl' now, 'you don't need Mummy's milk anymore' - no apparent trauma caused whatsoever

I personally think that 4 is too old to still be breastfeeding. Breastfeeding can actually be 'exclusive' for the wrong reasons. Partners as well as siblings are excluded from this most unique of relationships. For me, stopping at around 2 was right for the family. I don't get the self-weaning thing at all - why would they ever stop?

So I guess what I am saying is yes YABU.

sleeplessinstretford,

I am not judging you at all. It is highly unusual for children to self wean under a year of age but maybe your kids are the exception.

Reading your latest posts it is clear how hard you tried to keep feeding your children when they started to refuse feeds and how difficult and upsetting the situation was for you. I am sorry that you had such a difficult time

"if,in order to feed said child,you feel it necessary to sit in darkened room/do sensory deprivation to prevent distraction then THAT is the point i think it's not necessarily for the baby."
For my youngest child, I would do this often for his afternoon feed, when he is too tired and distracted to nurse properly. The rest of the day he asks for milk as he wants.

This is just give and take of a nursing relationship. I know he needs a feed and the moment he is in our room he sighs contentedly and latches on and nurses to sleep, it is very definately for him not me.