To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

babieseverywhere

i agree that the school should deal with bullies whatever the reason for the bullying and that the OP shouldnt make her son stop just incase he gets bullied

bue ... in my experience, the school can talk to the bullies and it can all appear sorted out on the surface but it never really stops - honestly. I am speaking from the point of view of a teacher and of someone who was bullied.

I am sorry for your loss and I can see why you wanted to carry on, but I don't think it is helpful to the DC. He isn't a baby and you should be revelling in the stage that he is at, not keeping him at the one that it past. You can still have lovely cuddles but have a chat or a story.

I agree that you are more likely to get a positive response to extending bf'ing on here not just because mn appears to be pro bf, but also because any negative comments about bf are strictly discouraged on here so people are less likely to post their genuine views on the matter.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do wonder though, whether your reluctance to give up bf could be because bf your son reminds you of a time when you both took great comfort ffrom it during a very sad and stressful time in both of your lives? Even though you do have another baby you are bf, the bond you have with that baby is different to the bond you will have formed with your ds during the time of the loss of your baby and his sibling, and letting go of bf somehow also means letting go of the memory of that time, and the bond you shared then, iyswim?

Were you offered any counselling at the time? If not perhaps this is something you could think about now?

I'm probably going to get totally flamed for this, I know MNers are very supportive of extended BF. It's a thought which just came to me and I'd be interested to hear what others think.

Basically, I don't think I would like to REMEMBER breastfeeding from my mum, and I can certainly remember past age 3. Is it just me?

naturalmama i think it is a terrible time for you to stop him, it would certainly not be a good association with starting school. i can't see how other children would know about it, hardly hot topic for 4yos.

let him self-wean, it seems rather brutal not to since you have gone on happily for so long.

I can remember starting school very clearly-I was very independent at that age and a mother who wanted to breast feed me would have been very embarrassing. It is very difficult for a DC to give up if they sense that it pleases the mother.

but bfing a 4yo is completely different to a baby and you can't make them do it. they want to. and are pretty insistent.

i can see some posters here think mothers of older bfing children are forcing or encouraging them to do it. this is not what happens. so weaning a child is likely to be a matter of actively preventing them from feeding, refusing requests and generally upsetting all round.

No, I don't think OP is forcing or encouraging at all. I complately agree with what you say Fishie. However, this thread isn't really about the merits of extended BFing..

OP is specifically concerned about possibility of being teased about it at reception and the current social response.

I was just trying to be honest. And whoever posted about MN being the kindest in terms of a positive response to this is right...

fishie but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Like taking away a dummy for eg.

Children do things because A they are used to doing them, and B because they gain something from doing them, i.e. comfort in this instance.

And to a 4 year old, bf is still normal because he's still in his own little world and has no reason to believe that all other 4 year olds aren't bf as well. But once he goes to school he will quickly find out that it's not normal and he will be set apart from his peers.

If you are a sensitive DC, tuned into your mother it is difficult to stop something she wants to do. It is all completely unconscious, it isn't something thought out, they just pick up the vibes. A mother shouldn't be unloading their emotional needs onto the DC.

I let my PFB watch "High School Musical" before she started reception because I didn't want her to be picked on

I am not really pro-breast feeding but I can see why you don't want to stop if you are only stopping for the possibility that he might be picked on.

It's true though that if you asked in a non MN-environment that you would be getting a more negative response.

my 4yr old asked to have a go at breastfeeding recently, but dissolved into giggles when i said yeah sure.

you cant make a child breastfeed who doesnt want to.

But misdee your dc had stopped so of course he found it funny and unnatural-a child who has never stopped isn't going to have that reaction. For all they know every 4 yr old still bfS.

but wannabe what sort of conversations do you think these small children are having? or are you expecting some mothers to be waiting by the gate with a breast exposed?

i suspect quite a lot of 4yos are bfed too, and as the biological norm then it is well... normal.

my 4yr old is a girl. and breastfed past the age 2. she was just being silly.

she does ask why she doesnt fee3d anymore as said she remembers being breastfed by me. she pretends to she being breastfed and to her its normal.

i was palnning on feeding dd4 as long as she wanted, but i am wobbling atm.

well fishie it's an easy enough association to make - once the break-time milk is handed out you have the association right there "I drink milk from my mummy's booby".

And of course a lot of four year olds are not bf'ed - gosh most six month olds aren't even bf'ed.

Just because breastfeeding is a natural thing for babies, doesn't mean that it remains normal iyswim.

throws hat into the ring
firstly I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Secondly,i remember very clearly my sister being a baby and being brought home from hospital and specific days and events that happened at nursery which is when i was 3-so,if you are not bothered about him remembering feeding then carry on.

I however think it's a bit unnecessary now-. As closed minded as this sounds you don't want your son to be 'the one who's breastfed' just like there were kids in my daughters class who were 'the ones who don't have a telly' (this probably says more about the parents than the others but if you are hoping to socialise your son then this 'point of difference' could be the difference between him being accepted and not by his peers.

Even if you have no desire to be on the playdate roster (and we never were because i was a young single mum in a posh area and the safe marrieds were 'afeared' of what might happen in my home...)if your son was to bring a playdate home and ask for milk,and that four year old was to go home and tell his mum what had happened then how long do you think it would take for the jungle drums to start?

That said I think you should do what you like and not be bullied inot doing anything.And i am sure i'll be flamed here for expressing an opinion, it's not necessarily one that i subscribe to but having been a school 'outcast' i can assure you it's actually rather unpleasant.

fishie - I think you are wrong and there are not quite a lot of breastfed 4yos. In this country anyway.

Sorry to keep harping on about this - but I'm still thinking about the remembering when older thing. Does anyone think it would creep a bloke out to remember his mum breastfeeding him when he was... 5 for example? I'm just not sure how good that is for someone mentally. I might be wrong - anyone have any experience? Remember being breastfed?

Hmm this is a tricky one... the don't offer don't refuse rule could be a good start or even talking about it with him? Giving him permission to stop so he isn't subconsciously doing it to please you (possibly)? Could you substitute for another form of comfort?

"once the break-time milk is handed out you have the association right there "I drink milk from my mummy's booby". "

i'm sorry but that is ridiculous.

NM - you have to do what's right for you and your DS.

will the 'don't offer don't refuse' thing happen if she's feeding another one five times a day?genuine question-if he sees it then surely will want it?

a little boy i look after (who is 2years2months says every time i give my daughter a cup of milk) 'i don't have milk from a cup i have boobie'which is both true and fine but if the 4 year old says the same thing at school is that ok? and to stop him saying it would you tell him it was secret? of course not...it's a minefield isn't it?

can I just ROFL at the late breastfeeding = bullying.
My DD breastfed until she was about 4 . I can'y honestly remember because we were both very relaxed about it and it just became less frequent and finally stopped.
But she still asks sometimes and she is 6 now and will talk about breastfeeding with huge enthusiasm.

She is confident, out going and hugely popular. And I suspect that breast feeding probably helped rather than hindered that. Bullying starts because of a dynamic within a particular group of children and has absiloutely fuck all to do with any individula topic. And I say that as someone who was bullied.
If you are going to be the target of a bully they will choose your hair, your house, your footwear or the way you say radish. You can only protect children from bullying through helping them with confidence and self esteem and a vociceferous school, home, community approach to dealing with the bullies.

It fucks me off be cause it implies that somehow the parents and the child are responsible ratherthan the bullies " if only they had bought the cool gear, been more attractive, had a bigger car, stopped breastfeeding earlier

You should BF as long as you and your child desire it and feel positive about it. The fact that you are questioning may well mean it is time for you to stop but that should be because of how you feel - not your concerns about how other feel.

I think you should do what you and he are comfortable with, but can only repeat what others have said.
As a teacher, I can assure you that it is unlikely stay private knowledge for long, and you will need to think about how you will deal with the reactions together. The fact that it bothers you when your own family tease doesn't fill me with confidence that you will be comfortable with the comments and questions you will both be getting in a couple of month's time from non-family members.

'If you are going to be the target of a bully they will choose your hair, your house, your footwear or the way you say radish. You can only protect children from bullying through helping them with confidence and self esteem and a vociceferous school, home, community approach to dealing with the bullies.'

Agree totally Pagwatch!

Parenting is all about letting go and various stages-you really have to ask yourself (very honestly)who is getting the most comfort out of the bf?
To my mind he has passed through the baby stage and , even if it is hard on you,you have to give him the tools for the next stage. I was a single mother with one DS and I we had (have) a very close tie, but I was very conscious that I couldn't let it get cloying.