To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

I agree with that sentiment Zeph but who called it extended bf/natural term bf? Not the ones that thought it weird surely? They just go 'nasty' and 'ick'.

I think the move to call extended bf, bf has to come from those who do it. Reclaim it

yes, sleepless, of course that would make you a natural term breastfeeder. But unless you frequently found yourself in the position of having to defend yourself for feeding as long as 10 months, then I don't imagine you would find any reason to give it a name.

chegirl I don't think I have ever used either phrase outside these mumsnet discussions. In this context it's pretty hard to avoid calling it something when so many people want to give their opinion on breastfeeding "older" children, and when "older" could be anything from 7 months to 5 years.

it all adds to lifes rich parenting tapestry-each to their own.
I do think that a lot of the breastfeeders (don't want to label you anything other than that now!) on this thread though have missed some of the points the op made about her feelings towards it.

sleeplessinstretford,

You might find this article on self weaning on Kellymom interesting...

"True SELF-weaning before a baby is a year old is very uncommon. In fact, it is unusual for a baby to wean before 18-24 months unless mom is encouraging weaning. However, it is very common to hear a mother say that her baby self-weaned at 9 or 10 months old, or even earlier. How do we reconcile these statements?"

Click here to read the rest

sleepless, I must have missed some of those points you allude to. The way I read the op, it was all going pretty well, apart from the pressure her family and friends were putting her under to stop.

I fed DD late and I never in all that time had a name for it. I never really discussed it or talked about it or thought about it. It was just what I did.

DD remembers being fed ( she is 6 , nearly 7). She does not have the slightest ugh attitude to it. She talks about it as something she really enjoyed.

I have to laugh at the 'little pushes towards independence' thing - which is just another way of suggesting that people who breast feed longer than average are holdingtheir children back.
I don';t know any other children more confident than her and i am usually getting tutted at on here for letting her do to much without me hovering over her.
But people form their prejudices and wantthe reality to fit I guess.

I was one of eight born to a woman who describes herself as 'bog irish )
She fed each of us as long as she could as and when we wanted it because it was cheap, it was easy and it was what she was taught was normal in her very working class ( poor) background. So the idea of it being the domain of middle class lentil weavers is pretty funny too.

I wonder if these attitude to breast feeding started when someone decided that breasts were tits and belonged, as far as the masses were concerned, on page three.

I have tried to read much of this thread but I am still not sure why I think that what everyone does it was suits them best and none of my business really whilst so many think that what I choose to do is down to stiffling my child through some psycological flaw.
I would be amazed if anyone who has actually met me or my daughter form that view - yet there it is - over and over.
Its odd

Fair enough Zeph . I have only seen the term online or on the occassional 'freak show' type documentary on breastfeeding (designed to make us go ewww, told you they were weird).

Still think the terms should be binned though.

i have no intention of clicking on your link,by posting it,and inferring an american website/someone who doesn't know me or my children would know better whether it was me or my children who wanted to stop feeding you really have managed to piss me right off.

yo pag-without wishing to feel like bloody bea from big brother i am really really offended at that.
and i'm crocheting you some nipple tassles as we speak for your new hobbies.
i think i might have been here a bit too much today but i actually do feel a bit bosom hoiky up about this malarkey and this is in no way shape and form connected to giving up booze,going on a diet and having pmt all in the past few days.mmkay?

ooh - crochet nipple tassles. I hope they match the g-string. You are so clever. I will mention you when I am famous

i am doing them out of muesli and instead of sequins i am doing lentils,that's right isn't it?

ROFL

They are organic...?

but of course my petit choufleur,only the best for my favourite geriatric.

Sleepless, My link is a very well balanced article about reasons for early weaning on a very well known and respected website, backed up with the latest research. I reckon you would like it.

Off to nurse my baby

Hi Pagwatch

Glad to have made you laugh at my inference that somebody B/F for longer is holding their child back. Not what I meant. Small steps towards independance are what child rearing is all about - guiding your child to adulthood (eg: hopefully indpendance). The independance step, that is stopping breastfeeding can happen whenever. The original OP seemed to wonder whether now, approaching reception class was the time to stop.
I simply wanted to suggest that there maybe an upside to stopping - rather than worrying about a lost point of comfort or emotional attachment, the OP might also find some satisfaction and pride when her son stops.

Just wanted to balance out that whilst it is fine to continue as is - maybe she will also encounter postive from stopping.

I'll let you get back to your nipple tassles now

babieseverywhere-against my better judgement i read it.I think it may have done you a disservice as it states that one has to coax/tease/restrict other food/comforts/cups to continue-which is now making me think it's more mother lead than i previously believed-in fact-it sort of backs my point up i think...

sleepless I think you've completely missed the point - it just suggests not distracting babies away from bfing, not coaxing them to continue!

i accept that-but surely-back in the olden days when there was no telly/sitting feeding in starbucks/not that many options food wise or distraction wise breastfeeding that long would have been the norm.
If the kid has to be coerced to continue (and my nct breastfeeding lady told me to return to bed for 48hours with the baby and do nothing but breastfeed) there was nothing i could've done that didn't border upon child abuse (ie getting her in headlock and forcing breast into mouth) so maybe,this is the natural term for the world we live in now???
just a thought but why,if that's when kids naturally try to move on (in todays world) can this not be the norm rather than those of you who CHOOSE to continue for whatever reason actually coming out and saying yes,the decision is MINE to continue feeding as when dc lost interest at a year I wanted to carry on as long as possible?

Sleepless, A working nursing relationship is a two way street. So both parties need to want to continue and show this by asking and offering feeds on both sides.

If the mother decides they have had enough and wish to initate mother-led weaning - they can take advantage of this fact to gentle wean their child by not offering feeds, by encourging the child to drink cow's milk from a cup, giving extra hugs. This is how the majority of children are weaned in this country and most of the time it is a gentle and non-upsetting event. This sounds like what you did successfully, good for you.

I am choosing the other path which is to offer feeds when my one year old is distracting etc. i.e. I am continuing to work on the nuring relationship because at the moment (and I might change my mind) it works for us both (or three if you include my oldest nurseling)and I want my children to self wean when they want to i.e. Child-led weaning.

This does not mean one type of weaning is better than the other, just that different mothers choose a different ways to wean depending on their child and their own needs, desires, life styles etc.

Mother led weaning is just as valid a method of weaning than child led weaning.

I respect that many mothers choose to wean younger babies when the mother knows the time is right for her. I just wish these mothers could extend the same respect to mothers like me, who choose to wean when the time is right for their children.

Just to add offering a feed which seems to rejected is just like offering food to a baby who you know must be hungry but is distracted and messing about. It doesn't mean they don't both need and want the milk/food just that there is too much going on to take it at that moment.

I would choose to reoffer food later on or in a quieter location and it is just the same for breastmilk refusal.

sleepless
I would probably be prepared to saty that were it true.
My DS1 stopped feedimg at about 7 months, Ds2 continued but didn't really want to any more at about 18 months. In both cases when thery lost interest that was fine - I was perfectly happy to stop. But DD just never stopped and I would have had to discourage disuade her.
I suspect our circumstances were different with DD. I was much more relaxed about life and in less of a hurry IYSWIM , so when DD climbed in bed first thing in the morning and wanted a cuddle and a feed that was fine by me most of the time. But it was driven by her. As best I can recall I never offered her a feed after she was weaned. It would probably not have occured to me. But if she was having a story or a chat or a cuddle then she would just snuggle in.

I didn't really think about it tbh.

But it really wasn't something I chose for her - exactly as I didn't choose when the others stopped.

And FWIW I feel very happy about the other ones stopping sooner because again it was pretty much their choice.

Does that make sense?

are you suggesting then that actually i chose to let my child wean for my benefit rather than hers? both times? when i was wracking my brains and fraught with the fact that they were not feeding-what do you think i did? Decided to seize the chance to get my body back? In the small hours of the night when i tried,repeatedly to get my children to feed (and i can assure you there was nothing going on in our bed to distract) when they still didn't feed would you say that that was me forcing weaning just so i could end feeding?
the more i read from you the more condemned\judged by you i feel and the more correct i feel in my assertion that breastfeeding should come to a natural end when the child shows a lack of interest in your breast and if,in order to feed said child,you feel it necessary to sit in darkened room/do sensory deprivation to prevent distraction then THAT is the point i think it's not necessarily for the baby.