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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be BF my 4-year-old?

407 replies

NaturalMama · 11/08/2009 00:01

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

OP posts:
RoseOfTheOrient · 11/08/2009 14:36

YANBU - do what you want. I think its wonderful!
I bf my DS until he was 3, and it was great to have something so simple to comfort him.

Tanee58 · 11/08/2009 15:17

But DO children discuss BF in the playground? Why would they? They could just as easily bully a child for not being totally toilet trained - but that doesn't happen (we had a boy in our year when I was 7 who occasionally had accidents, and we just felt pity for him, not loathing)

And Posie, with respect, it is only 'odd' in western Europe where we have had a history of not BF our own children at all if we could afford a wet nurse! It is not odd in other cultures where it has been a matter of survival. It is not a matter of nourishment at that age, so much as mutual bonding and honestly, where is the 'oddness' in that? I would bet 20 to 1 the subject never arises in school and he will not get bullied.

poopscoop · 11/08/2009 15:33

tannee. yes they do!

And they will enjoy making something out of anything that appears a bit out of the ordinary.

I am not saying this will happen, but the OP should take note of the teachers comments further up the thread regarding how nasty little ones can get.

stonethecrows · 11/08/2009 15:33

Tannee - I think the boy in your year at school was very lucky to have such gentle peers- my 5 year old has occasional wetting accidents and believe me it has been picked up on by the other kids. I would also add that the wetting is caused by a medical problem which is in the process of being sorted, but it is not a short term cure. It is not anything we can fix immediately, otherwise, obviously, we would. Whereas BF a school age child is not a medical necessity, and I therefore feel that the OP would be setting her child up for an unnecessary fall by sending him to school still BF.

There have been teachers on here saying that it will get noticed - why are people choosing to disregard what those actually in the classroom are saying?

For a 4 or 5 year old it would not be good enough to say other cultures BF till this age - fact is, most people in this country do not BF until this age and so it is (rightly or wrongly) not the norm.

stonethecrows · 11/08/2009 15:34

XP Poopscoop re teachers comments!

Original poster
NaturalMama · 11/08/2009 15:34

This afternoon after lunch DD went down and I had a talk with DS about how he feels now that he's going to be starting school and not having minty around if he wants it after lunch, etc.

He said, 'I know you won't be at school but I know you will be at bedtime.' I said do you know not all little boys your age still get minty from their mummies, he said 'Don't be silly Mummy.' I asked if he thought only babies had minty - 'I'm not a baby! Babies eat mushy food and wear nappies and get pushed in prams and are the size of my leg.'

From the rest of the (very short) convo, he says he doesn't talk to people at nursery about it because they don't talk about boobies. I think I'll start restricting it to bedtime so he gets used to the school routine a few weeks ahead of time. Thanks again for comments.

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 11/08/2009 15:40

i accept all that people are saying re it SHOULDN'T be an issue.
But people here on this thread and in a relatively 'safe' environment are saying they think it's slightly strange,a teacher has said you'd be amazed what the kids come out with etc etc.
We live in england in 2009-even if the kids don't think it's weird you can bet your bottom dollar that SOME of the parents will and may use that to gossip about the OP. Nobody is saying that that is right or good but that it might happen and given the op is already upset at the snirks of friends and family now do you REALLY think she's up for the condemnation of strangers (who should know better but will still judge)to do something that she's not sure she wants to continue anyway???

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 11/08/2009 15:46

NM - sounds like a good idea to limit it to bedtime, what a lovely little chap your ds sounds!

sleeplessinstretford · 11/08/2009 15:52

op,i think you sound ace as does your little boy.
is it very non-mn if i do a little kiss sign here? fuck it-i am just going to go for it anyway!
x

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/08/2009 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

waitingfornemo · 11/08/2009 16:09

Op, you sound like a really great Mum and I am so sorry about the loss of your darling baby. I have no experience of extended breastfeeding but don't see that it is anyone's business but yours. I'm sure it will comfort your little boy while he adjusts to his new school. I am surprised at those who have suggested stopping before then - surely that, on top of starting school, might be too stressful for him. It sounds like you are approaching it in the right way and I hope that you will be around if I ever need advice on extended breastfeeding.

Morloth · 11/08/2009 16:12

Is starting school stressful for most kids? DS took to it like a duck to water as did all the other kid's in his class from what I have observed.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 16:14

YABVU

It's all about you now. It is best for the child to begin with blah blah blah, but there comes a point when I just htink, what's missing in that woman's life? another child?

All the nutritional info in the WORLD won't convince me either. All nutrients availabel to is a normal varied healthy diet. Are ALL other 4 year olds UNhealthy??

waitingfornemo · 11/08/2009 16:14

Well it might be if he is very very shy, as op has said

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 11/08/2009 16:18

MBV - I can't tell if you're being serious or not with that last post....

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 16:18

NaturalMama, I'm really sorry, I wouldn't have posted that comment if I'd read your op properly. Really sorry that you lost your four month old. If it comforts you then take that comfort. I'm really sorry.

Tanee58 · 11/08/2009 16:25

Maggie, OP HAS another child - her DD! This is NOT just about her, it's about her and her DS (who sounds lovely, by the way, and very switched on). All I know is, my DD never had any problems at school - I doubt if they discussed 'boobies' either - AND she had wetting problems occasionally until she was 6 - plus one incident at a friend's house when she was 8. The friend was sweet and immediately dragged her off to her room to offer her the pick of her underwear drawer.

I think restricting it to bedtime will be perfect, anyway, that's what I did, and he will naturally stop soon, anyway.

I still say BF beyond weaning is unusual, but it's NOT odd - and I suspect there are more of us out there than ever admit to it, purely because of the attitudes we encounter.

Reallytired · 11/08/2009 16:26

I'm sorry I have not read all the thread. I am also sorry to read about the death of your baby.

The emotional need for breastfeeding varies from child to child. As a mother you are best placed to decide when your child is ready.

I fed my son until 2 years 8 months. I gave up when he started pre school. We had a little weaning party and went out to a lovely restaurant to celebrate this milestone.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 16:28

Tanee58, I'm embarrassed I didn't read the OP's post properly before replying, as my post was typically blunt in the style of AIBU.

It is what I think though, and as genuinely sorry for OP as I am for the huge loss she's suffered, it kind of actually supports what I initially said. That there's usually a reason for very extended breastfeding.

But the little guy will probably realise himself quite quickly after starting school that it's not something he wants to continue. I think it will resolve itself.

jeminthepantry · 11/08/2009 16:30

It's up to you pet, at the end of the day, to decide when it's time to stop.

Good luck.

I don't mean 'pet' in a derogatory way, it's my accent, I'm geordie.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 11/08/2009 16:31

MBV - it's very difficult to take you seriously when you've already said that "all the nutritional info" won't convince you.

I won't bother posting my usual links on here, as you obviously won't be convinced by them, but bf-ing up to and past 4 is actually not abnormal at all.

How very odd you are!

pseudoname · 11/08/2009 16:37

I feel very about this opening post.

It feels carefully crafted in many points.

While I won't say 'troll' it gives me a feel of a journalist researching material for the next article. But IMO if it is a journo then she is being a troll and shafting MN of its £30 media request fee.

I have taken time to respond on the thread in 'Breast and Bottlefeeding' mainly because positives can still be made from cynical OPs.

Cynical, that is, unless this OP is being honest about her circumstances. If this is the case, I humbly apologize. Especially in view of the loss of a child.

So will now bow out.

MaggieBelleVirgo · 11/08/2009 16:41

TAFKA, we'll just agree to differ, but fyi, it's very hard to take anybody in The West who cites NUTRITION as a excuse for extended breastfeeding. We have access to, like, nutritional food.

If you want to make your (older) child the odd one out because breast milk is 100% nutritional and cows milk is 98% nutritional then.................... that's losing sight of the wider world we live in imvho.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad · 11/08/2009 16:43

Cow's milk is really not 98% nutritionally effective. Dairy is actually very hard to digest, especially for children.

But you've already said that nutrional information won't sway you, so....

Tanee58 · 11/08/2009 16:50

Maggie, I'm still backing the Boop! . It was only once a day, so nutritionally maybe not that big a deal, but DD didn't have any colds and only one dose of foodpoisoning in all that time. And NO ALLERGIES!!!