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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be BF my 4-year-old?

407 replies

NaturalMama · 11/08/2009 00:01

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

OP posts:
Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 11:37

I know they are not stupid. Getting their own way perhaps but not stupid. It will only lead to bullying when they get to school if others in the class find out. I personally would not want to run the risk of my DS going through that. I have no idea how often a 3 or 4 yo asks for milk in 24 hours, I expect they are all pretty different. I expect they just get it when they want it though.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 11:37

cancantcan - I must say that I would be very if somebody who was supposed to be supporting me suggested expressing milk for an older nursling.

It would suggest to me that the person didn't fully "get it" tbh.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 11:38

Why keep it a secret, you all claim it is so normal, but all keep it a secret.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 11:40

But it's not "getting their own way" either.

You make it sound as if us EBFs are too soft to say no to our children, when in fact we are responding to their needs. And I bet most older nurslings have been told no many times when it is not convenient for the mother.

And it IS a need. Whatever anyone on here says.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 11:41

Nope, it is not a secret here.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 11:46

It's is not a need, they are fully weaned, it is a habit they cannot kick. Let them grow up, stop trying to cling to the babyhood time. They should be getting all their nutrition from their daily diet.

I will say again, it is a habit they have got into and you will just keep doing it to keep them happy.

Mawbroon, heading4home clearly stated in her post that it is/was a secret in her house.

cancantcan · 12/08/2009 11:47

Mawbroon
The OP clearly states in her original mail that if she was to give up, how would she go about doing this. I merely made a suggestion, which I have heard from many women who have weaned older toddlers while BF their younger children, that is all.
I do sometimes think that everyone should fully read someones post before making unpleasant and negative comments on it.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 11:52

Weaning is a very long process, sometimes taking years. It starts when the first foods/drinks other than breastmilk are introduced, and ends when the child no longer has breastmilk. So, no, my son is not fully weaned. But yes, he does eat a wide and varied diet, which includes breastmilk.

Yes, some children do continue to feed out of habit, and these are the ones who are fairly easily distracted from feeding and wean easily with a little encouragement. But others, who ARE doing it because they NEED it can become upset/stressed/withdrawn etc if it is suddenly taken away from them.

"Why keep it a secret, you all claim it is so normal, but all keep it a secret." Would you like a brush to help you with that sweeping statement?

DandyLioness · 12/08/2009 11:54

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DandyLioness · 12/08/2009 11:56

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pseudoname · 12/08/2009 11:57

Cancantcan, then I assume that as part of your training, experience or continuing professional development you will have learnt somewhere along the line that expressing is a skill which some women get the hang of and some don't. that milk supply adjusts very quickly to demand so there is just not milk 'in there' waiting to come out so that a mum can quirt a few ounces in a beaker between getting dressed herself and organising breakfast for everyone.

I get the feeling that you don't actually know or understand the logistics of expressing.

You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to. But how long did you feed your children for? I do believe someone can be an excellent bf supporter and never even have given birth or never breastfed.

Why I am curious if you have bf is because some women who are being trained as peer supporters by some PCTs have only breastfed for 6 weeks. I am of the view that a woman who has breastfed for so short a time may have a difficult time understanding what it is may be like to feed for longer, especially into the toddler years. These are not insurmountable hurdles by all means but a lot of women can have their breastfeeding undermined by supporters who are outside their depth ~ and that by no means is a criticism of their goals or intentions. It is one of the PCTs who are undersupporting the breastfeeding mothers and the peer supporters.

BTW, the OP stated earlier that she is not coming back to this thread and it has gone off course a while ago. That is the way of message boards. Topics always wander off course and sometimes they come back to the original topic. It is not personal. Just responding to something you said earlier to mawbroon.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 12:07

cancantcan - sorry, I didn't realise that your expressing suggestion was in response to the request from the OP for weaning ideas. It followed straight on from what you were saying about feeding a child this age being socially unacceptable and came across very differently from what you have now clarified.

There have been views expressed on MN before going eeeeww, well, give an older child breastmilk if you must, but express and put it in a cup.

Which you will agree on it's own is not supportive.

WoTmania · 12/08/2009 12:09

Sleepless - I suppose I was trying to say, in a roundabout manner, that those children are normal, didn't get bullied, have grown up into well adjusted teens. So maybe he and she would be better off carrying on than stopping.
Ialso didn't say it would harm just that maybe weaning won't be a magic solution. You say IMHO - well I can have an opinion too. It just happens to differ from yours.
School can be a big upheaval for some children and I think that nursing can be a helpful reassurance.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 12:15

A lot of the posters have mentioned they kept it quiet.

Well said Dandylioness. I also agree on the afternoon naps. I don't actually know any 4yo who have afternoon naps. Am I wrong, do they, mine didn't at this age, in fact if we were in the car and he started to nod like they do on car journeys I would have to try and keep him awake as he would never have slept at night if he had a nap at 4 yo in the afternoon. I think he stopped napping at about 3.

cancantcan · 12/08/2009 12:18

Pseudoname, thanks for taking the time and trouble to be polite and helpful in your email, its very much appreciated.
Not sure what criteria are within my PCT but I BF my son for almost 3 months and my daughter for 6 months until returning to work, so you are quite right I dont have any experience of feeding a toddler, something I do regret as I wish I had fed for longer.

cancantcan · 12/08/2009 12:20

Mawbroon - totally, and thats what I find so annoying is that women feel forced to BF behind closed doors or to give ebm in a cup, because of other peoples judgemental attitudes about the right age to give up BF.

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 12:22

Cancan, don't have regrets 3 months and 6 months is fantastic.

fishie · 12/08/2009 12:22

i'd certainly keep it quiet around you Walkingwiththighosaurs, i wouldn't like to expose a child to this sort of judging.

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 12:23

Yup, and I wonder where the kids who might tease at school get their ideas from.......

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 12:29

Mawbroon: Probably because they don't BF themselves so they might naturally think it is odd. Let's face it BF is not a common tea table conversation is it. I know if my DS knew a child in his class was BF still he wouldn't tease them because that is not the type of child he is but I know damm well he would think it was bloody odd and I would imgaine he would not be able to stop laughing. Don't you think it is time to let them get to the next stage in life, don't you feel odd with a huge child sitting on your lap BF not a small baby? If you are not happy to sit in public and do it, then can I suggest that you are not entirely happy still BF at all.

Fishie I don't judge people, I am entitled to an opnion you know, just like you are. I would never tease a child about this, and neither would my DS. We don't do bullying in our house.

BadgersArse · 12/08/2009 12:30

three words

weridy weirdy weirdy

ZephirineDrouhin · 12/08/2009 12:33

Walkingwith - that really is an unpleasant post. Can you really see why someone might not be happy to bf in public knowing that they are likely to be subjected to the kind of vile opinions you have just expressed?

mawbroon · 12/08/2009 12:35

Well Walkingwiththighnosaurs, this may surprise you, but ds does feed in public. On trains etc when we are travelling, in the park if he hurts himself, in cafes etc.

And yes, we are both entirely happy with the arrangement

BadgersArse · 12/08/2009 12:37

but you aksed if it was odd if oyu were bineg unusual
walking with said yes its friggin nutty

then you get all hoity toity!!

fgs dont post if you dont want a SINGLE soul to disagree

Walkingwiththighosaurs · 12/08/2009 12:39

I really cannot be bothered with this anymore, as usual anyone who dares to disagree with the OP or other posters gets shot down in flames.

Conclusion:

You think it is ok BF a child who is starting/going to school.

I think it is not ok to BF a child who is starting/going to school.

My opinion, your opinion.

End of.