To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

It's nothing to do with growing up - it's my opinion. It might be different to yours but it's still valid.

Just did a quick straw poll around here and I'm afraid you're the one in the minority - in fact everyone here to a person pulled an eek/eurgh face.

I would quite like to remember being bfed. I have also just asked DH (not a huge no of people here to ask - could as DD but I know what her answer would be ) and he thinks he'd just remember as a fact, rather than having a strong emotional response to it. He is anti-ebf fwiw.

I think that the reason you get so many different views on this subject is because b/f is about both mother and child's feelings and we would be lying if we said we only breastfed for our children.

Most mum's stop breastfeeding because THEY are ready not becuase baby has expressed an interest in only having a bottle.

I breastfed both of mine until they were one, but then I was ready to have my body back and I also felt it time to take one small step to independance from me - in the same way that I would send them to pre-school at 3 years (regardless of whether they wanted it - which my son really didnt) , allow them to play at friends houses at around 5 years , take them to infant school etc etc etc. It's a long journey to adulthood and this was one tiny step along the way.

I am so sorry about your baby - it must have been more devasting than any of us can imagine but you seem to be saying that the breastfeeding continued largely in reaction to this and therefore I wonder how much the breastfeeding is continued for you.

Peer pressure eventually will win on this - very few school children like to be different from their peers and I have often seen the confused shame on little reception class children when teased by their peers for still having a dummy.

I think that Mmelindt thinks very similarly to me. I would be inclined to introduce the idea to your son that most school boys dont have minty any more and does he think he might like to stop soon and have a nice cup of warm milk before bedtime etc instead. Of course discuss cuddles always carry on, sitting on your lap always carries on and let him take it from there.

You will probably feel so much happier about it when he leads the withdrawal and you may even surprise yourself that you feel proud he is moving onto a new phase of self sufficiency with confidence.

My 11 year old son, recently started wanting to cycle over to his friends house and go to the park together to play. I was petrified and hated the thought of him being out of my circle of protection but I knew I had to let go - gradually - and within strict paremeters - but let go non the less. Hardest thing I have had to face in my parenting years. I am filled with pride at how well he has handled this new more independant phase of life - a phase that is right and important in his long term development.

Your decision is very similar to this one - it's about a tiny step towards independance - sometimes our children leap these steps on their own, sometimes they need a reassuring and comforting push.

Good luck in whatever you decide - there is no right or wrong - this is just my view.

could ask DD

Bit wary of posting on here because I am feeling v.poorly and cant handle too much backlash.

I am pro BF and have BF all my birth children. I support a mother's right to bf her child for as long as she feels is right. Personally I would not bf a 4 year old but I do not think women should be subjected to abuse for doing so.

But I do not like the term natural term breastfeeding. Deliberately or not it does appear smug/superior. It actually makes me wince a little bit. It seems a judgemental way of describing extended bfing.

I understand that extended bfers come up against a fair bit of stick so maybe it came out of a need to assert themselves? But personally I do not think it is a helpful term. It divides bfers into natural and unatural, adequate and inadequate and frankly gets my back up a bit. I am so saddened at how bfing seems to have become a huge issue that causes feelings of guilt and depression in many new mums. Why on earth does it have to be such a big deal?

I;ve not read the whole 18 pages, but to get back to the original post, I think continuing breastfeeding (if all in the family are happy with it) while your child adjusts to school could be a good thing.

FWIW, I thought EBF was weird BEFORE I had my baby. She's 9-1/2 months and while at 4 months, when it was tough on me, I thought I would want my body back/aim to make her more independent at, say, 12 months, now I can look forward to breastfeed way beyond that and truly envisage natural term feeding.

All terms, like 'BLW', 'natural term breastfeeding' sound quite wanky. Doesn't mean the process they are describing is nauseating or trendy or weird.

I think the UK is deeply conflicted over some aspects of mothering/parenting. When I lived in Russia and SE Asia these things don't quite get people so aerated.

I have just asked DS,who was still nursing in reception,if he remembers it - he is 9 now - he says no!
I haven't actually said it until now because even on this thread ,talking to people who don't know me,I've felt unsure about admitting it,because it is unusual in society.But both my DCs were still nursing in reception,I don't think their school friends knew,it was never an issue. The friends we'd known for longer just accepted that it was something that they did. No teasing,no bullying.
As you can probably work out we weren't exactly nursing in the playground though!
It sounds as if the OPs little boy is gradually stopping anyway,and she should do what she feels will work best for them.Personally I think if he is ready to stop starting school is a good point at which to think about it - but if he isn't trying to do so will make starting school harder than it needs to be.
NM,though I think you've gone,haven't you,he sounds like a lovely boy and I'm sure he will
be fine with whatever you decide to do.

I suspect people in Russian and SE Asia have got more pressing issues to worry about doris

I agree about certain terms sounding wanky. I think you are right that the wankiness of the term doesnt mean the thing is wanky (how many times can I get the word wank into a post ).

Speaking as a working class gal who has lots of friends for the more 'chav' end society, I really think that these wanky terms put people off doing something perfectly normal and beneficial. It makes feeding your baby sound complicated and a bit middle class tbh. That will put people off who feel its means its just not for them.

If you ask a selection of women round here what a breast feeder looks like (never mind an extended bfer) I am sure you will get the answer 'greasy haired hippy with no bra'. This is wrong but its true. We need more Poshes and Sheryls saying they bf to combat this. One tacky, tango'd sleb espousing bfing will do more than millions spent on an NHS campaign.

chegirl, I am genuinely surprised that the idea "natural term breastfeeding" could be construed as smug or superior. It is usually used in preference to "extended breastfeeding" for the reason that "extended" suggests "beyond normal", which in this country may certainly be statistically accurate, but not worldwide/historically, and certainly not biologically. So in that context "natural term" seems more neutral. But obviously not to everyone. Perhaps "child led" would be a better term.

CCJD, your view sounds very reasonable, but it doesn't reflect the reality of breastfeeding a toddler at all. Your cycling analogy would only be relevant if you had been the one who wanted your reluctant son to go out cycling and had to go to great efforts to persuade him to do so.

As for "You will probably feel so much happier about it when he leads the withdrawal" - well this exactly is what natural term/extended breastfeeding is - letting the child lead the withdrawal. How did you think it worked? Astonishingly, ebfers do not sit around forcing their bosoms on their children.

Zeph I did assume this is why the term was coined. In order that people doing something they felt entirely natural was not labled extraordinary. I did not think it was used deliberatly to wind people up

I do not think you could force a child to bf either.

I have been a bit puzzled by the threads about babies who appear to have gone right of bfing and how to get them back on the breast. I dont mean I think they are stupid, I just always felt when my DCs were fussing and pulling and losing interest, they were ready to stop. But then in former times they wouldnt have been able to if there was no other form of nourishment available and they were only a few months old.

Well if they were babies in these threads then presumably it is because the mothers wanted to follow the WHO guidelines in the belief that this would provide the best health outcome, which seems pretty understandable. If they were 3 year olds who knew their own minds that would be a different matter and I would agree with you.

As I said Zeph i dont think the threads are stupid, I was genuinely suprised by them. I hadnt crossed my mind to do other than wean baby when baby didnt want to bf anymore.

TBH I used to be pretty proud that I fed my babies to 6 mths + but quite a few threads on MNs have made me feel guilty. That seems a shame.

Hi Zepherine , I used the cycling analogy for 2 reasons : first I think there is a part of the original OP that doesn't want to give up B/F and sometimes even though we may be hesitating, there will come a time when for her child's independence she may need to think about it - just like when her child wants to go out by himself etc. Second: I wanted to suggest the idea that when it happens, she will feel a sense of pride in her confident son who is able to cope with the world without this comforter. My analogy was more to do with her and her feelings rather than her sons.
When I say that the withdrawal will be child led, the withdrawal has been first broached and gently coaxed by her, by her suggestion her son will start the thought process of giving up - the same way my daughter didn't want to give up her bottle before reception class -and let's face it there was no amount of stressful day that couldn't be soothed with a bottle - but I had to nudge her towards that decision - she still largely led the decision but it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't
guided her that way.
The OP came on here looking for a range of responses - you don't come on here because you want nothing but validation - as far as I am concerned she can B/F as long as she likes - as I said in my post this is just my view - no right or wrong.

I really do wonder how many of you would be so anti if it was the cultural norm to feed to 4yo or older.

So many of your arguments against it really don't make any sense at all. I wonder how much of it is the sheep factor.

I am not aiming this at any posters in particular, just the general population at large.

I really do wonder how many of you would be so anti if it was the cultural norm to feed to 4yo or older.

So many of your arguments against it really don't make any sense at all. I wonder how much of it is the sheep factor.

I am not aiming this at any posters in particular, just the general population at large.

Oops

When you say you hate terms like "natural term breastfeeding", presumably you hate "extended breastfeeding" too? Or is that not so bad?

That doesn't really make sense anniemac - you could just as well say that "natural term breastfeeding" is a statement of fact (as it is the term that a child will naturally feed for if left to its own devices) and that "extended breastfeeding" suggests breastfeeding that is artificially extended beyond what is normal.

Both terms are suggestive of a particular attitude about what is "normal". To say you like one but not the other is just to identify yourself with one camp or the other.

I agree with annie about the various terms used to describe ordinary activities. To me it seems as if these terms are created so a person or group of people can claim ownership of an previously unremarkable thing. BLW had me foxed for a while. I assumed it was some new way of feeding a baby. As for 'co-sleeping' where did that come from?

Do the parenting gurus who come up with these names think that we normal plebs didnt sleep with our kids or allow them to finger feed before they came along and gave age old practices shiney new names.

Extended breast feeding does not offend me (as a term or a practice) but why does it need to be given any name apart from breast feeding? If it is too be excepted and normalised why give it a special name? Does this not lift it out of the ordinary?

I dislike any term that makes people who dont practice it feel unatural or inferior. I am pro bfing but I would object to it being called 'natural feeding'. I also (just to set myself up) dislike 'intuative parenting'.

Just to be clear - its the lables I dislike, not the practices - each to their own.

'Why does it need to be given any name apart from breastfeeding? If it is to be accepted and normalised why give it a special name?'

Totally agree chegirl - you have said it all there. It is just breastfeeding. No more, no less. Well said!

Well quite. It would be great if it were just referred to as breastfeeding. It only becomes an issue when people decide that it is weird/inappropriate/disgusting after x age. If that didn't happen we could all just call it breastfeeding and that would be a far better situation all round.

i am with chegirl.
i tried to make the point earlier and was accused of being rude-there's no reasoning with some people...
i've 'co-slept''attachment parented' and 'baby lead weaned' without even knowing what it was,i just had children who wouldn't be put down,wouldn't let me near them with a spoon from about 7months,slept with me/us and fed as and when they wanted to until they decided to pack it in.
I didn't need a book to tell me how to do it-i don't feel part of a movement,a mothers instinct is to do what feels appropriate for their child at that life stage.
I asked a question way back re feeding strikes etc etc and nobody has actually adressed it...my natural term was about 10months with both.So,does that make me a natural breastfeeder? or do i also need a long service medal to feel that 'connection' the terminology indicates some sort of worthiness and superiority whether you want it to or not.
you breastfed,i breastfed-it's not a competition.