To still be BF my 4-year-old?

[NaturalMama]

Sounds really bad in the title. My first post on here after lurking for a very long time. I'm also posting this in Breast/Bottle Feeding but figured this would attract some honest opinions as well.

I've started to get quite a few snarky comments and dirty looks when people hear that I'm still breastfeeding my eldest. These are not from mere strangers but from dear close friends and immediate family.

My eldest is 4.2, going into reception and he has had access to 'minty' ( his word) whenever he likes since birth. At the moment he currently has it after breakfast (and after I've fed his sister), in place of and/or just before or after his afternoon kip around 2pm, and just after tea. Sometimes more, sometimes just once. He is very excited about going to school but he's always been a very very shy boy and we've had talks about him not having minty during the day but he seems okay with it. I've never tried to get him to stop as I think if he asks for it, he obviously needs the comfort. He's never had a dummy/comforter and shows no interest in bartering minty time for toys, sweets, etc.

I had a baby when he was 2 who passed away at 4 months old. I do admit that feeding my eldest was just as comforting for me as it was for him during that time, and I felt it wasn't fair on him to go cold turkey when he was having an emotional time as well.

My youngest is just gone 7 months and she feeds about 5 times a day, obviously between when DS has a go.

Family is starting to tease DS about it saying he's not a big boy and his school friends will think he's silly. It's a private thing and we are always alone when we do it (apart from DD and DH) but family/friends ask me if I've stopped yet and I feel a bit huffy about it.

I know he's not getting anything nutritionally out of it, but can I ask the Mumsnet jury what you think? Is it harmless/comforting for him especially at a time of upheaval (i.e. sister being born, loss of second, starting school) or is it time to give it up and if so - how on earth do I go about doing this? It's not about me babying him as I have another baby I can happily feed for at least another two years!

anniemac - I didn't have a philosophy of ebf,beyond the obvious "this is working well for us" And we don't have a parenting style that believes in leaving decisions to the child either - though I appreciate that some EBFers do.
I agree with you ,Sleepless,actually - it should just be a normal part of life.(If you want to ebf, that is) (Ideally one that you could mention in casual conversation though,without feeling you'd be looked on as a nutter....)

Excellent posts anniemac, I agree with everything that you have said-unfortunately I tie myself in knots when I try to say it.

i object to someone saying that breastfeeding gives you any more of a close communication with your child than i have with mine (both of whom i bf)
i am sure that you are all very happy doing what you are doing,it's a bit of a non argument really don't you think?
and you doing it your way is just different to how i do it and how those who ff do it-and to say that ff is merely a method of food deliver i would like to see you pick up a 6 month old baby who belongs to a stranger and is due a feed and try and force a bottle down it-you'd have as much luck as you would trying to bloody breastfeed it!
I am mildly insulted on behalf of ff mothers (and i am not one) we are all mothers-we do it differently,not better and not worse-just different.

Surely we learn from people discussing the merits of what you wrote. in other words, by pulling it apart and examining it. Don't post it then if you don't think it is fair to examine it.

sheesh.

"I do sometimes infer an assumption from EBFers that there is a superior bonding and closeness as a result of EBFing that I would question"

Is this inference what is really behind all the attacks on extended breastfeeding? Where is it coming from? There seems to be this assumption that the mere act of feeding a toddler is somehow an implicit criticism of anyone who has weaned their baby.

It really isn't. All ebfers actually want is to be left alone without being called freaks and without all sorts of offensive speculation made about the nature of their relationships with their children.

But Sleepless, we are talking about comparing breastfeeding and bottle feeding at 4yo. Not 6months.

Completely different kettle of fish.

no one is cross. just can't understand why you don't want to discuss the merits of what you post. off to pick up the dcs so no much posting from me.

you know what Zepherine-you might be right, that's the bit that gets my goat any road.
The attitudes expressed by (a lot of and not all) EBF'ers is that they are morally superior/better parents/more devoted to/contain psychic powers relating to their children than those of us whose children only fed for 6 months/6weeks etc etc.
My kids fed as long as they wanted,i rang the nct when the second one stopped and asked my bfc what to do and was told to go back to bed with her for 48hours and relactate.
I made a conscious decision not to do this as by then,for me,my baby was telling me she was past it,as did my first child at a similar age-and it was the right time for both of us-both times.
What i don't understand (and i genuinely don't get it) is why,when many kids are on feeding strike/lose interest/start to climb/fuss etc etc do you persevere with it unless to meet some other need perhaps not of the babies?and i don't wish to be inflammatory here by the way-that to me would be a pretty clear cut decision that it was time to stop wouldn't it?
If you look on the other thread about how long people feed for on here there is a definite pro-bf stance and those that don't feed for X amount of time are ashamed of it or make excuses on the whole.
The op asked for opinion,that is what she got,a cross section of public opinion-from a sample taken from a 'pro-bf' site-i don't agree that the rest of the world is as into it as the 'enlightened' souls here...

The two women who ebf hat I know well, both baby their children. They surrender their bodies, well breasts, to the whim of the child and seem to enjoy the mute babychild they produce. They seem to enjoy the child's dependence tbh.

I find it rather superior to assume that loathing or disagreement (or something far more mild that escapes me) of ebf, especially a child of school age, has anything to do with ignorance. On the contrary many women on MN are far from ignorant but still do not think people should ebf at a certain age. I think we evolve, society that is, on need. In some cultures (albeit not very many developed)it is necessary to feed a child through age three for health beyond that most cultures do not..... In China it is unusual to bf past 1 year, now there's a very large population, most of the South Americans I talk to say it's unheard of past 1 year...

Anniemac, I appreciate that you haven't called anyone a freak. But extended breastfeeding is attacked in these sort of terms all the time on here, so it seemed strange in this context that you would see the anti-ebfers as the ones under attack.

I do think your inference that ebfers believe themselves to have some kind of superior bond with their children is utterly wrong, although you are not the only poster on here to have come to that conclusion. I would think it comes about because ebfers are constantly having to defend themselves against charges of "babying" their children, meeting their own needs not the child's, being "unnecessary", "odd", "weird", as well as comments which often betray a very bizarre understanding of how extended breastfeeding actually works. Consequently many ebfers feel obliged to explain the benefits for their children. This is in no way the same as saying that non-ebfers are depriving their children of anything.

what a insane brave woman - to put a 1st post on aibu

firstly sorry to hear about your loss

no parent should ever have to bury their child

mn is very prob BF and tbh most on here will support you

imho i think bf should be stopped by the age of 1 - just as i stop bottle at 1 and get my dc to drink from a beaker/cup etc

any child who asks for it is too old - but again thats only MY opinion

obv they will ask for boob, bottle or minty as that is what they are used to - just as a baby wants a dummy etc

bf/bottles are at first the ONLY food babies can have - obv they get older and are weaned and dont need so much milk as they are getting enough nutrition, calcium etc from food.

regards bullying - children can be VERY cruel - and will find something to pick on whether its their colour of hair, their size or the fact they are doing something thats not normal average for their age group

a child in dc6yrs class is still in nappys at night, and have to say that lots of children in his class (tho not dc) tease him, saying he a baby etc - its not nice - some things like being dry at night are harder to achieve for some children and not in their control

where stopping minty now will be easier for your child as he CANT be bf/have that comfort/routine when at school

fwiw my nearly 4yr still sleeps in pm for 1.5/2hrs and sleeps 12hrs at night

What does a child being able to ask for bm got to do with being too old for it? My DS and DD could sign for bm when they were 8 and 10 months old. Were they too old for it at that point?

"but at the point you mention 'complex communication processes' rather than 'giving them milk and cuddles'(as we all do by the way,like i say,there's no monopoly on this for you) it makes a bit of me want to judge you when actually,ordinarily,i wouldn't-I frankly don't give a shit how long you feed/why you do it or where you do it...if it's the most natural thing in the world (which i agree,it is) then please shut up about it and get on with it."

Why do you have to be so nasty Sleepless?

My point about communication was in response to the many posts here which use the fact that breastfeeding isn't nutritionally 'necessary' and the posts comparing it to bottlefeeding. Your comments are so defensive, and frankly weird. Nobody's claiming any sort of 'monopoly' on bonding experiences. And frankly - telling someone engaged in a fairly evolved and detailed debate about the issues involved in weaning babies from the breast to 'just shut up and get on with it' is frankly just fucking rude and pointless. If you don't want to engage with the issues then don't, but allow the rest of us to talk about it without being subject to your bad tempered sniping.

"i object to someone saying that breastfeeding gives you any more of a close communication with your child than i have with mine (both of whom i bf)"

Err... and who said this?

"those who ff do it-and to say that ff is merely a method of food deliver"

I said that ff is primarily a food delivery system and that it can be a lovely nurturing experience for mum and baby. Which is true. Breastfeeding women will put their baby to the breast for all sorts of reasons - to keep them quiety, to comfort them, to 'reconnect' with them when they've been out all day. FF mums generally don't offer food unless they know their baby is due a feed or suspect their baby is hungry.

"any child who asks for it is too old"

Can you explain why?

And if a child was say - a late talker, or had communcation issues, would it be 'alright' to wean them later than a child who has a good command of language early on?

"I find it rather superior to assume that loathing or disagreement (or something far more mild that escapes me) of ebf, especially a child of school age, has anything to do with ignorance"

If natural term breastfeeding is a vanishingly rare thing in this country (it is) and if people arrive at opinions about it without much familiarity through their own experience or through being regularly exposed to natural term bf through friends and family, then I think it's fair to say they are probably commenting from a position of ignorance.

At least those people here who are arguing for natural term bf being harmless, natural and/or good for children make some attempt to refer to research in support of their argument. Where's the evidence to support he view that natural term bf is inappropriate or harmful?

I'm going to wade in here too - obviously BF is the best thing to do but I'm not pro EBF.

I think it would be awful to remember breast feeding when you get older and memories are being made by 4, (just about). That would not be a nice thing to remember as a grown up would it?

I definitely think it's more about the needs of the mother than of the child (in this case understandable but still not benefiting the child when he starts school and his friends find out - which they might well.) It's unfair for him to be enjoying something that his mum knows that he might be ridiculed for and she hopes he won't talk about at school, it might well confuse him.

And last comment (got to get dinner on then go to work...)

If it's such a bad thing for a mother to choose to continue bf an older child because she finds it emotionally fulfilling, then why are so many people happy for a mother to choose not to breastfeed at all, because she finds bottlefeeding suits her better emotionally?

People on this site fall over themselves to say 'the most important thing is happy mummy, happy baby', even when there's evidence that babies who don't get breastmilk are more likely to be ill and end up in hospital. Those same people seem to feel affronted by the idea of a mother continuing to breastfeed because she finds it emotionally fulfilling, even though - unlike with bottlefeeding, all the evidence suggests continued and long term breastfeeding is positively beneficial for children when conpared to the alternatve.

"I think it would be awful to remember breast feeding when you get older and memories are being made by 4, (just about). That would not be a nice thing to remember as a grown up would it?"

Why?

Oh - because bf is a bit disgusting? Sucking on your mothers breasts and all that?

grow up

(alright, alright, I'm going!)