Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not changing my name now I am married?

271 replies

beanieb · 03/08/2009 20:51

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
bigstripeytiger · 04/08/2009 17:08

daftpunk

If you think that it is fine to be Mrs, then why is it a sign of strength to use that title?

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 17:19

it's a sign of strength because i'm not frightenend of anything..dykwim?

i could be called Ms Miss or Mrs...what difference would it make?..i'm still the same person....i married my dh because i was madly in love with him, i wanted to be Mrs. i know he wouldn't have minded if i kept my name, but what would i call the dc.? my name..his name?...all too confusing.

i'm romantic.

StayFrosty · 04/08/2009 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pruneurs · 04/08/2009 17:32

Was Ms really used by divorced women? What about Mrs Simpson?

I suppose each of them (Mrs, Miss and Ms) have connotations - I am happy to be erroneously thought of as a bitter, man-hating divorcée, if it gives some people amusement.

Granny23 · 04/08/2009 17:40

re daughters being 'given away' by their fathers - I always thought there should be reciprocity and the sons should be 'given away' by their mothers. Might give the MILs an idea of their new status in their son's life!

BTW My father did not give me away just accompanied me down the aisle and then sat down (C of S service). Think the 'who giveth this woman' is a C of E thing. Not done at registry weddings here either.

bigstripeytiger · 04/08/2009 17:51

daftpunk

I still dont understand what you mean. If you think there is nothing negative about the title 'Mrs' then why is using it a sign that you arent frightened of anything.

I use my title because I like it, not because it is a 'sign of strength' or an indication I'm not 'frightened of anything'

smallwhitecat · 04/08/2009 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RustyBear · 04/08/2009 18:15

Even if the title Ms had been in use in 1936 (which I don't think it was), Mrs Simpson wouldn't have been Ms Simpson; she was still Mrs Simpson until her decree absolute was granted in May 1937; then she changed back to her maiden name, Wallis Warfield. I don't know what title she used but she married the Duke of Windsor only a month later & became the Duchess of Windsor, so whatever it was it wasn't for long.

My dad (who was born in 1910) took a lot of convincing that it wouldn't be an insult to address me on letters as Mrs Rusty Bear, saying that only a divorced woman used that form - a married woman would be Mrs David Bear.

moondog · 04/08/2009 18:16

I don't actually understand why people need to say they are a 'feminist'. If feminism is about women having the same rights and chances as men, who the hell isn't one?

It's a bit like saying 'I am in a believer in treating people fairly'.

Er, yes.

passionfruity · 04/08/2009 18:26

I've been Ms since I came across the term aged 16 and didn't realise that some people wrongly assume I am divorced or a lesbian!

But I suppose it's just because they're ill-educated and don't know why the term "Ms" was invented.

Original poster
beanieb · 04/08/2009 19:26

I guess the reason I turned against Ms was all the customers I used to serve who would snap at me when I started asking 'and is that Mrs, Miss or Ms' (before I even got to the Ms part) with a growling 'it's Ms' as if to say 'it's Ms ok, and how very dare you even start to try and define me by my marital status you disgrace to womankind!'

I found there are just too many people taking on that title to make some kind of a point, and not in a nice way usually.

OP posts:
Pruneurs · 04/08/2009 19:29

to RustyBear and her knowledge of Wallis Whatever

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 20:10

the use of Ms is a feminist statement...you can be a feminist and still act female...sometimes it takes a strong woman to think parts of the feminist movement are a bit naff.

tallulahbelly · 04/08/2009 20:12

Smallwhitecat I love the Telegraph but you can't dispute that some correspondents to its letters page hold traditional views.

I note the discussion of the perfect gin and tonic - for me it's with Beefeater, Schweppes normal tonic, lemon and plenty of ice.

I did enjoy the debate of a few months back on how to answer the phone. Or 'phone, as I expect some people wrote.

But I distinctly remember a contribution to a debate on the suitability of women to the armed forces from a retired colonel fretting about how lady soldiers might stop the ingress of muddy water to their natural crevices in a trench-wading situation.

And did enjoy today's obit on the crazy old bat diminutive, velvet-clad lady who habitually wore carpet slippers around Bloomsbury even when wet.

edam · 04/08/2009 20:38

ooh, we could go back to Goodwife... and in everyday use it was abbreviated to 'Goody' which is even nicer.

Although 'Goody ' does remind me of The Crucible. So think I'm put off by the idea that people would be drawn to accusing each other of witchcraft - 'more weight' and all that. eek.

themachinist · 04/08/2009 20:58

Oh don't start me on this one... I got thrown out of a pub (first and only time in my life) for ranting about this very issue on the first date with my DP! Bizarre. Had had a few glasses of wine. Apparently the fact I felt so strongly about it was endearing (in totally non patronising way of course).

Oh am Ms Machinist BTW

JoesMummy09 · 04/08/2009 22:23

I think I may reject Mrs, Ms and Miss altogether.

My shortlist is:

Dame
Major
Countess
Marquisse
Wing Commander.

I am currently favouring the latter...

edam · 04/08/2009 22:27

But can you grow a damn fine moustache? I understand it's a requirement...

Tbh, the only thing that could make me even begin to think about just possibly idly considering returning to academia would be the chance to call myself Dr edam!

DitaVonCheese · 05/08/2009 00:06

In France, the use of Madame/Madamemoiselle (?sp - drinking here!) is also based on age rather than marital status, is it not? I am very much voting for this.

Personally I can't see the logic in rejecting your husband's name in favour of your father's in order to demonstrate that you are the property of no man. Presumably you should take your mum's name - but that's only the name of her dad. Surely the only truly feminist stance is to make up an entirely new name (and then make your DH take it too)?

DitaVonCheese · 05/08/2009 00:07

PS I am always so tempted to tick Reverend or Lady or Flight Lieutenant when given a big list of options ...

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 05/08/2009 00:15

Re the giving away in marriage, my mum had a megastrop before my wedding because I told her that while I was happy for my Dad to walk me down the aisle I drew the line at having my face covered with a veil so that he could unveil me when we reached the groom. She claimed this was always done at weddings. Not since 1890, I don't think.

JoesMummy09 · 05/08/2009 01:03

I refused to be "given away" either. I did casually ask my dad if he would like to walk me down the aisle a couple of hours before the ceremony... as we were both going that way any way...

Oh, and I've settled on Marchioness. I think it has a nice ring to it and frankly the tache was not up to much

Quattrocento · 05/08/2009 01:11

YABU

For asking the question, rather than for not changing your name. Why on earth should you change your name?

moondog · 05/08/2009 07:20

Oh God, the thought of being 'give away' appalls me.
Also re rejecting patriarchal name, that's what the Black Panthers did in the 60s, rejecting the slave names they had beengiven, like Malcolm X [or 'Malcolm Ten' as Iheard one dozy youth refer to him as].

Mumcentreplus · 05/08/2009 07:29

hahaha Malcolm Ten

Yeah but isn't Malcolm a slave name?

I was given away (dad looked very proud)..i felt like a huge pregnant present i did