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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not changing my name now I am married?

271 replies

beanieb · 03/08/2009 20:51

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
flamingnora · 03/08/2009 21:13

Why not?! Where do I start?! Would he change his name? Seriously - try suggesting that to any man and they would hoot with laughter at the mere idea of changing their surname after marriage. They would regard it as demeaning.
I know it's tradition that women change their names - but a casual glance at the history books will tell you where that tradition comes from and it's not a nice place. Sorry to sound stridently femminist but I strongly believe that if you don't want to be treated like a woman in 1909 you shouldn't behave like one.

jkklpu · 03/08/2009 21:14

YOu can certainly live with 2 names: I've kept my maiden name at work (married for 12 years). Did change things like bank accounts and, when I had to renew things for other reasons, did driving licence and passport (partly because of faff of using a credit card overseas if your passport's in a different name).

But if you've talked about it for future dcs and have an agreed policy, it shouldn't matter much.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 03/08/2009 21:19

here

still not a lot to make your new hubby happy.

Original poster
beanieb · 03/08/2009 21:21

right ho, well I am going to change it on my passport when it expires then. If we have kids I will tell the nursery/school that I am Mrs (hisname) if it makes things easier for all of us, but unless he can give me a very good reason why I should change it now then I am just going to stay as I am.

thank you I knew I wasn't being Unreasonable!

OP posts:
cherryblossoms · 03/08/2009 21:22

I'm with flamingnora - don't do it. not unless you truly loathe your name for some reason.

I remember reading something years ago about how hard it was tracing women in history, partly because they would get married and just disappear with the loss of their maiden name.

That sort of haunted me. There is something very primary about the association of identity and name and something spooky about the fact that women so often lose/rescind that upon marriage.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 03/08/2009 21:22

And if that doesn't make him happy maybe the tshirt with 'Wipe Here' on the back will do the trick.

Jux · 03/08/2009 21:25

I changed mine and deeply regret it.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 03/08/2009 21:25

I know a couple of men who have taken their wives names on marriage.

beanieb have you discussed what you are going to do about any DC surnames? As if you have got to cross purposes/renaging on the marriage thing you need to make doubly sure that you know what you are going to do about any kids!

YANBU if you always told him you wouldn't do it.

lottien · 03/08/2009 21:28

I am having this dilema at the moment - got married 2 weeks ago after 14 years together and really can't be bothered to start getting everyone to call me Mrs Frenchbloke at 44 years old. I live in France and like having a surname which is a bit unusual and also I teach English so it's more convincing to have an English name. If your DH's bothered about the whole family having the same name (which is the only convincing argument I can think of) tell him to change his Totally not unreasonable.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/08/2009 21:29

i couldnt wait to be mrs blondes

HATED my maiden name with a passion - but also it is nice to be known as mrs B instead of miss xxx

yes it was hassle to chnage name on all bank accounts, passports, driving licence, credit cards, doctors, dentist, optician etc

but i was happy to - and to the OP if it is only exspense that is stopping you - could you not go halfs/use joint account and pay for passport

when you next book a holiday dont forget to tell holiday that if they ask if you are married that you still use maiden name or they will automatically book you in as mr and mrs on tickets and then will cost you £xxx to chnange details

StayFrosty · 03/08/2009 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 03/08/2009 21:34

I kind of think you are being a bit unreasonable given that he says it means so much to him and you just can't be arsed at the moment, but you'll get round to it eventually.

If you felt very strongly about it then fair enough, but you don't really.

PinkyRed · 03/08/2009 21:34

I kept my name - v important to me as I am a strident feminist

I have since found it very useful for spotting cold callers on the phone - as soon as someone asks for Mrs Husbandsname, instead of Ms Red, I know straight away they've picked me off a database somewhere, and I say thanks but no thanks and hang up.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/08/2009 21:36

YANBU. Don't do it if you don't want to. It's patriarchal nonsense Seriously - he needs to give you a concrete reason why. IMO any concrete reason why could be demolished in under 5 minutes by someone who has the will to. There is no good reason to change your name if you don't want to.

I thought it was only a quick and cheap change if you changed it immediately on marriage - don't the registrars ask you if you are changing your name? If you do it later it probably has to be by deedpoll. I'm not sure. (Married abroad, and still very firmly Ms Myname)

StayFrosty · 03/08/2009 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 03/08/2009 21:42

I have kept my maiden name a) because I was Miss X for a long time and liked it and b) because I am lazy and can't be bothered with the faff of getting a new passport and credut cards. I alternate between the 2 quite happily but will probably start calling myself Mrs X more often as my new qualifications are in my DH name as he paid on his credit card
My DH would have liked me to use his name properly from the off and I have just asked him why he didn't make a fuss about it, he said "you have to pick your battles"

YANBU..

Mumcentreplus · 03/08/2009 21:43

I have'nt changed mine been married 8yrs in September ..tbh it's just sheer laziness on my part I don't have a 'problem' with being Mrs T..my DH is quite upset about the whole thing I've been ignoring him ..I've decided I will probably change it as our 10th anniversary present..he's currently telling the kids 'Mummy is commiting a crime she should really be Mrs T'

sincitylover · 03/08/2009 21:46

Another one here who remained Ms Sincitylover when she got married in 1993. Got alot of stick from now (ex) DHS family - they took it personally. ExH couldn't have cared less.

Dcs have his name. Doesn't really worry me.

Now we're divorced I am still Ms Sincitylover.

Never wanted to be Mrs anything. But did want to be married of course.

I think for me it was about identity.

Original poster
beanieb · 03/08/2009 21:47

"I kind of think you are being a bit unreasonable given that he says it means so much to him and you just can't be arsed at the moment, but you'll get round to it eventually"

well, I feel strongly about how much of a pain it would be, how much it will cost me (Does anyone have £77 they can just chuck away?) and also a little bit of me also just doesn't want to because I don't want to get rid of my name just like that, particularly in work.

I wish I knew why it was so important for me to do it all legally and on documents when I have already said I don't mind being called by his name in all joint matters, I have already changed it on the joint account for example.

OP posts:
jemart · 03/08/2009 21:47

YANBU about the passport, but YABU about all other name changes that cost nothing but a little time and effort, being as it is important to your new DH.

Original poster
beanieb · 03/08/2009 21:48

LovelyTinOfSpam - yes, any kids would have his name. I am happy with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
beanieb · 03/08/2009 21:51

lol - on the flip side I certainly do ot want to be a MS! I am happy to be mrs (hisname) or Miss Beanie but never a MS!

OP posts:
Original poster
beanieb · 03/08/2009 21:52

"YABU about all other name changes that cost nothing but a little time and effort, being as it is important to your new DH. "

ok, but why should I go through the faff of changing my bank account to someone elses name just because they want me to? for example.

OP posts:
janegrey · 03/08/2009 21:53

I've been married over 20 years and kept my maiden name. Dh doesn't have a problem with it, and the dds have both our surnames.

Some relatives do find it hard to get their heads around though - Christmas cards are a good indication.

One reason I didn't change is that I didn't want the same name as MIL - also I had built up a career by the time of my marriage and felt my professional identity was strongly linked to my name.

And like PinkyRed, it's an excellent bullshit detector - if I'm addressed as "Mrs DH" when I pick up the phone, then I know it's someone who doesn't know me.

HeadFairy · 03/08/2009 21:54

YANBU - I haven't changed my name. Legally I am double barrelled, I got a deed poll to do this, however I haven't actually changed anything to reflect this... I will probably do the same as you though, change my passport when it runs out, driving licence etc.. until then Dh is grumpy about it, but doesn't endlessly go on about it. He knows better than that