not changing my name now I am married?

[beanieb]

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

[beanieb]

woops, mistyped

"I think your comment there about my husband's attitude towards women is actually more telling of your attitude towards men to be fair."

[luckylady74]

It's an interesting question isn't it?

In my mind the subjugation of women is illustrated by women giving up their surnames and is part of a long historical legacy of the patriarchal society.I'd like to think our society has moved on in that way.

As for part and parcel of marriage - I got married to celebrate my commitment to my partner with friends, family and community- it wasn't linked to religion or giving up my identity-I'm still an individual as well as one half of a partnership.

However, to some it's clearly just a 'nice' thing to do to seal their newly official union.

[Gateau]

It was not an OBLIGATION to me to change my name, flyingduck. I WANTED to change it, believe it or not. My name, I am glad to say, does not define who I am as a person.
Not sure if this answers your question, OP, but what I meant was, don't keep your maiden name just because it's a faff to change it on your passport (maybe that's not waht YOU meant). What I was saying was, I took my DH's name but just kept my passport in my maiden name as I was advised to do so. I just have to remember to BOOK flights in my maiden name.

[beanieb]

it is possible to do it without it resulting in the subjugation of women though. Times have moved on and if women do want to do it then they shouldn't be got at by people who think they are better feminists. It's like the so called sisterhood attacking the sisterhood under the guise of fighting for some imagined rights.

I find it all a bit scary really - infact it's enough to make me change everything into his name just to say 'yah boo sucks to you' !

still would Never Ever call myself Ms though! no way - urrgghhh!

[Gateau]

"As for part and parcel of marriage - I got married to celebrate my commitment to my partner with friends, family and community - it wasn;t linked to losing my identity"

Me too. I did not see changing my name as losing my identity . I am shocked that some people do! When I said part and parcel of marriage, I meant, that for me, it's just what people do. But if they really don't want to, then it's hardly a hanging offence.

[posieparkerinChina]

I didn't take my DH's name, one reason was I'd have to get a new passport (90pounds..no sign on this PC). Unofficially I have a double barrelled name, officially my maiden and with school I'm MrsDH to be the same as the dcs!!

I loathe my MIL and don't want to be MrsMIL.

I was told when I got married I could be whoever I wanted....I even considered Mrs Banana Hammock (like Pheobe on Friends!!)

[Gateau]

"it is possible to do it without it resulting in the subjugation of women though. Times have moved on"

Yeah, I thought they had too. This name changing and subjucation of women argument is so bloody tired and boring.

[Pruneurs]

I have only read the OP.
It isn't really any of your OH's business.

Your name is not the marriage, and if you want to carry on being your original name then do, it's not going to make you less married.

People do it in different ways all over the world. Saudi women, for example, don't change their names on marrying.

The major, major annoyance is other people's attitudes to it. But I just think, my marriage, my business, frankly.

[Pruneurs]

It's not your maiden name if you haven't changed to a married name, is it? It's just....your name. I never refer to my maiden name, it suggests there's another name somewhere that I should have!

[JoesMummy09]

I don't think YABU.

I got married two years ago and I am known as Mrs X and Miss Y.

Everything relating to work in my maiden name - bank account where salary paid, one credit card (and my savings because they are with the same bank and all linked for online banking).

Everything relating to our life together is in my married name - joint account, mortgage (well it would be if the bank could manage to change it properly), one credit card, bills. Our son also has our name.

My passport is still in my maiden name because I am not paying the best part of £80 to get it changed and it expires next year. I haven't decided if I will change it then because currently I can use it as ID for stuff in my married name with marriage certificate, but I can't do that if I change it to my married name (banks etc want to see decree nisi or decree absolute before they will let you change an account back to your maiden name).

Neither I, nor my DH find this confusing. When people ask I just explain that I am like Bruce Wayne/Batman

Although I like my married name, like sharing a name with my DH I do really, really hate it when my forename is replaced with my husband's. I think that is quite disrespectful and bin anything that comes addressed in such a way.

If you can bear it, you could use both names too.

[FlyingDuck]

beanieb, I did not mean to attack you or your DH, but you are going to get some impassioned responses on a subject such as this (particularly when it's in AIBU!). The argument will not just stay on the initial practical side as you set it out in your OP, because it is an issue that stimulates debate and on which people have strong views. Naming is a significant social issue - that's why it matters so much to people, and your DH is also someone to whom it deeply matters. As you said in your OP, there's a reason why he gets so tetchy about it, and he says himself it's really important. I was wondering why it could possibly be so important to someone that their wife changes their name, and that it could 'annoy' them if the woman doesn't. You must have some ideas yourself about why he could be annoyed at this. If it's just that he wants you to be a one-named unit, a nice way to achieve that would be for him to take yours...

Equally, I am not insulted that you think being a 'Ms' is "urrgghhh!", despite it being important to many women that their title does not reflect their marital status.

[VivClicquot]

I'm getting married in November and really don't want to change my surname as mine is very unusual and very much part of who I am.

However, by the same token, I would want the same name as our kids so I'm in a real dilemma over what to do. My current thinking is to change it in real life, but keep my surname for work purposes.

Interestingly, DP also has a very unusual surname, and part of me thinks that if I do change my name, at least I'm swapping one random moniker for another. I think I'd be more upset if I had to swap my name for a Smith or a Jones. (Not that there's anything wrong with either of them, but I like my unique-ness!)

[beanieb]

I have no idea why he is annoyed by me wanting to talk about it. I wasn't meaning to say he was annoyed that I wasn't taking his name, more that he was annoyed by my talking to him about it. it was the talking about it which annoyed him - where I wanted to talk about it, he didn't.

FlyingDuck - wasn't seeing it as an attack as such but more confused about what his desire for me to take his name says about some of his attitude towards women.

[heliotrope]

No, do whatever you like

[Cocobear]

I didn't change my name when I got married ages back and would never have considered it.

When friends or colleagues marry, I don't mind which they choose, but it does annoy when they can't make a choice. Either start being Mrs Hisname or keep your own. The half-arsed approach (one name at work, another when we're sending you two an Xmas card) is kinda annoying.

Obviously it's sensible to wait until the passport expires to change it, why waste the money? The only people who should care about that are airlines & immigration.

But otherwise, IF YOU WANT TO, then do the deed. Change your driving license, your bank accounts, send an email out at work. If the reason you're taking your time is because it's a bigger mental adjustment than you expected, well fine, just explain that to DH. Wait a few months, or a year.

If DH can't sympathise, then that's a bit of a problem. It seems that's what was bothering you about this in the first place.

[Pruneurs]

swc me too
DS got DH's name because it's more interesting (mine is common as muck). Shallow, me, AND lacking moral fibre.

[beanieb]

yeah - I am worried that I have made him feel sad because I don't want to change everything, I don't like to see him sad so I am trying to understand why he is but the trying to talk about it makes him annoyed so I feel like I might be being unreasonable and that's why I started the thread. I did actually say to him 'Shall I start an AIBU thread on mumsnet then?'

[TrillianAstra]

I haven't read all of this but:

a) I would have discussed it before getting married

b) Something that you are not bothered about, means a lot to him. You don't object, you just can't be bothered. I say do it. If there was something that he could do for you that meant a lot to you but he "couldn't be bothered" how would you feel?

[marenmj]

lol "still would Never Ever call myself Ms though! no way - urrgghhh!"

I started putting my title as Ms at about 23 as 'Miss' felt a bit juvenile and I wasn't married for 'Mrs'

I like to think now that I am married that while I live as Mrs MaidenName, cleaning up baby poo, somewhere inside I have a spinster lady living under my Ms MaindenName title who bakes fairy cakes and has a whole slew of cats named after the elements of the periodic table

[TrillianAstra]

YANBVU. YAB only a little bit U maybe.

If the expense bothers you does he have some money that is his that can be used to do the passport?

Or would he be happy with you being known as Mrs Hisname but only chnaging expensive things when they need changing?

[daftpunk]

yabu...you should have put the marriage off until you had the time to change your name.

[cbmum]

Legally your name automatically changes when you get married (fact) - the marriage certificate does this for you whether you like it or not. If you don't want this, don't get married.

[bigstripeytiger]

That is not true. Your name doesnt change automatically when you get married.
If you want to change your name when you get married you can, but there is no assumption that you will.