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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not changing my name now I am married?

271 replies

beanieb · 03/08/2009 20:51

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 04/08/2009 15:34

I think a lot of older people, or perhaps just more old-fashioned people, would associate Ms with either being divorced or having some "reason" not to want to reveal your marital status.

Original poster
beanieb · 04/08/2009 15:34

a) I would have discussed it before getting married we did

b) Something that you are not bothered about, means a lot to him. You don't object, you just can't be bothered. I say do it. If there was something that he could do for you that meant a lot to you but he "couldn't be bothered" how would you feel? can't be arsed with the time and expense

OP posts:
Gateau · 04/08/2009 15:44

beanieb, you seem to be fixating on TIME and EXPENSE. Why? Neither applies here; okay time does, but the time it takes to change bank details is minimal. Other details, eg your library card can wait and you can just do them as you remember to.
As I mentioned before, you don't HAVE to change your passport. Just keep in in your maiden name and book in your maiden name.
If time and expense qre the only things holding you back from changing your name and your DH is really pissed off, then just do it.

MoonIsATiredSlayer · 04/08/2009 15:45

I only changed my name on my passport when DS1 was born as I thought it might be easier abroad if antyhing were to 'happen'.

Recently, I tried to change it on our joint bank account (as we keep getting cheques to Mr and Mrs DH) and the bastards changed all the accounts and my credit card!!! This has caused me lots of problems not least of which is that I have booked a car hire in Portugal on line and need to bring that credit card with me and now its in a different name - grrr!

Most people just accept the different names but PIL and my own Mum still call me Mrs DH.

The most annoying thing is being called Mrs DH first name and Surname like I have no identity at all!

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 16:09

piss off pruneurs

scottishmummy · 04/08/2009 16:11

daft punk,what has got yer goat why are you so cranky

Granny23 · 04/08/2009 16:20

Funny that there have been two threads in two days which seem to prove that MARRIAGE is just one big hassle. Well maybe not marriage itself but all the trappings and assumptions that go with it. Seems to me that the only way to resolve this dilemma is to consider as a partner only those with the same surname as yourself!

edam · 04/08/2009 16:23

Daftpunk - just in case you are being serious, I'm a straight, married, journalist who uses Ms (and kept my own name). Not particularly bitter but not imagining we live in some perfect world where men and women are treated equally 100 per cent of the time, either.

Habbibu · 04/08/2009 16:24

Am in the shallow camp - my (or my father's, I guess!) name is incredibly common, DH's was nicer, so that's why I did it. Never really identified with my maiden name, as I always identified more with mum's side of the family anyway. Could have taken her name, I suppose.

If I'd liked my surname I'd have kept it - it was just an easy way to get rid of it for me! Also i think I'd have wanted dd to have my surname if I'd liked it. DH wouldn't give a toss...

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 16:25

lol SM...nothing i can't handle..

edam · 04/08/2009 16:26

Actually, the erroneous idea that Ms = divorced just shows how deep patriarchy still runs in our society. Because there are clearly many people who just cannot comprehend that there could be who a title for women that is the equivalent to Mr - not denoting marital status.

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 16:35

edam; i am being serious,...and i can i just ask what is wrong with being "Mrs"....do you suddenly become a mans slave because you have that title?

MoonIsATiredSlayer · 04/08/2009 16:38

Daftpunk there's nothing wrong with being Mrs but equally there is nothing wrong with being Ms Miss or whatever else if that suits you. I think the point is Mrs X is tradionally a sign of ownership. When you married you became the property of your husband instead of your father (father giving you away) hence the name change. Children also belonged to the father hence the surname also.

LeninGrad · 04/08/2009 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tallulahbelly · 04/08/2009 16:53

Knowing the correct form of address for those women who fail to declare their marital status on correspondence was recently a burning topic in the Daily Telegraph's letters pages.

I think gives a clue to where the issue stands in the modern world.

Tallulah Belly (Miss)

edam · 04/08/2009 16:55

nowt wrong with Mrs if it floats your boat. Doesn't float mine. And would be daft anyway, as I've kept my own name - Mrs is my late Gran! (Not my mother, was deffo a Ms.)

edam · 04/08/2009 16:57

Maybe we should drop all these contractions and just go back to the Middle Ages where all adult men were 'Master' and all adult women 'Mistress'. Equivalent of modern German use of Herr for men and Frau for all adult women.

StayFrosty · 04/08/2009 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoonIsATiredSlayer · 04/08/2009 17:02

Has it kicked off? Seems fairly calm to me. Not much name calling yet except Ms and Mrs

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 17:02

nothing wrong with a bit of tradition edam, sign of my strength that i'm ok with being Mrs daftpunk...i'm not trying to prove anything..i know i'm my own person.

LeninGrad · 04/08/2009 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 04/08/2009 17:04

I'm not trying to prove anything either. It's a matter of personal preference.

But if you like tradition, let's go back to Mistress and Master and end all confusion...

MoonIsATiredSlayer · 04/08/2009 17:05

Why though? Why should anyone take any offence at someone elses choices? It's not a life threatening decision, just a name. Who cares?

daftpunk · 04/08/2009 17:06

good idea....

mistress daftpunk...i like it!

Mumcentreplus · 04/08/2009 17:07

.....nothing to get bent out of shape for tbh..you can choose what you want to be.. what something ment in the past is not a true reflection of what it means now..I'm a mrs when I want to be a ms when required.. a Miss on all my credit cards ..it doesn't change the fact i am who I am and what I am..very strange in my opinion to judge someone based on a title alone..certainly doesn't make you more or less of a Feminist