not changing my name now I am married?

[beanieb]

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

[loobylu3]

I haven't changed my name although I have been married for 8 years. My reasons were partly professional and partly personal choice. Fortunately, my DH is totally happy with the decision. It's so common now that I really don't see the problem.

[JoesMummy09]

I meant people sending them to you... what they know you as.

I didn't expect you to sign your xmas cards as mr & mrs. That would be a tad over-formal lol!

[janegrey]

We had one cheque in the wrong name - Mrs Jane DH when I haven't changed my name.

I didn't want to explain to the sender - it was a present - but the bank accepted it because I'd been a customer for ages and the account is joint with DH's name on it.

There's no need to have an explanation on your passport that you're dh's wife either - we've travelled loads in the last 20-odd years and it hasn't mattered.

However, my brother, whose wife did change her name and whose son does have the same surname, had problems in Canada when he took his son there for a sport tournament.

They held my nephew in immigration and questioned him to ensure my brother hadn't taken him out of the UK without his wife's permission - apparently he should have had a document from her giving permission.

So you can have problems whether you all have the same surname or not.

[beanieb]

TBH I just sign my Christmas cards with my first name or our first names, we don't tend to send those things out as mr and mrs. Or at least we don't intend to, none of our married friends do!

We've already changed our name on our joint (Savings) account, but still both have our own personal accounts. If anyone sends a cheque in my married name I'll just put it into the savings then either transfer it or keep it there for something nice.

[JoesMummy09]

Beanieb I think that's a good compromise. Will you use your married name for stuff at home, like xmas cards etc?

Do you have a joint account? It may be worth changing your name on that too if you do.

My Grandad sends a cheque at xmas for £5 in my married name. Now we have DS he also sends a cheque payable to my married name for him (although I wish he'd send it payable to DS then I could pay it straight in his account. Shouldn't complain, he used to send it payable to my dad until I was 25!)

I find our families like to send cheques payable to Mrs J...

[sc13]

In several countries in Europe women don't change their surnames when they marry. In Spain children take both their father and their mother's surname (in that order).
It never occurred to me to change my surname when I got married, but with ref. to the feminism debate, it has to be said that even one's own surname is actually one's father's surname, and so again a relic from a patriarchal society where women were property to be exchanged and re-labelled. Then again, some women like patriarchy - at least you know what your place is (usually horizontal, or crouching by the fire).

[flockwallpaper]

I did that beanie, in fact I was married 5 years ago and changed my name on something just two weeks ago. It can be gradual.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I am repeating here, but my Spanish friend says that spanish women often do not change their name to their husband's when they marry. It is not the custom. So it seems it is a cultural thing that differs across the world.

[beanieb]

I'm leaning towards changing my driving licence because possibly it's illegal anyway as it has my old address from 3 years ago on it but everything else I will keep the same! Passport can wait, My personal bank account can stay in my 'old' name. Am definitely not changing my work email etc nor giving HR my married name.

[JoesMummy09]

You can have two names and still apply for a mortgage in married name and use your passport (in maiden name) as ID... as long as you also take your marriage certificate too

I have two names and I also have a perfect credit rating and have applied for various accounts and services in both names, using passport as ID and providing marriage certificate where necessary.

I asked DH if he minded that I hadn't just changed the whole lot over at once. He looked bemused and said of course he didn't. I think he understands because we work in the same industry that at work my name is not just my name, it's my reputation. He also understands that out of work I am Mrs J and we all like that we share that name.

Beanieb which way are you leaning at the moment? Changing the whole lot, leaving your name as is, or doing the half arsed approach of changing for outside of work only (like me)?

[Dizzyclarebear]

DH found this important - it's a big thing for most blokes. For my DH it was the 'family name' issue. I think he'd have agreed a double barrelled name but I did have to agree with him - ours sounded stupid together!

I have recently finally changed everything to Mrs. DH-name - as I discover how tricky life can be when you have two names and are applying for a mortgage with the new 'anti money laundering' rules!!! Just to warn you, if your passport is in one name and your mortgage application, bank account and/or wage slips in another, that will be difficult. Bank account and wage slips different names can flag up problems for IR.

And I realised I didn't have a single utility bill in my married name as they didn't care so I didn't bother - but it's only a phone call and so many people ask for passport and utility bill it's worth doing for at least one!

Also, for 2 years I've been calling myself Mrs. DH-name I keep forgetting which name to use and that can cause problems if you put the wrong one on a form! Pick one and go with it, it'll make everything easier. (But you can change them in stages, you don't have to take a day off and do it all, most are just a phone call or a 5 min trip to the bank at lunchtime)

[daftpunk]

what is it..?

feminists chained to the bed..?

[beanieb]

none of this was ever really anythign to do with the MRS/MISS/MS debate.

[Gateau]

No, you're not being tedious, princess.
I'm just bored with the whole debate so I'm off now.

[Gateau]

"Gateau my point is that the name you have is nothing to do with whether you are a feminist or not - actually it tends to be people who don't understand feminism who think it is."

But that's what I'm saying too! Not sure why that's not coming across. But let's stop there, eh?; it's all getting a bit tedious now.

[Gateau]

I'm confused now, Princess!

YOU said "Of course you can be a feminist and take your DHs surname! Really is feminism that misunderstood?"

I was agreeing that yes, I think feminism is misunderstood.

Of course you don't HAVE to take your DS's surname. But I think a lot of women take the decision not to because they want to prove what feminists they are. And, IMO, feminism is about so much more than a name.

[daftpunk]

princess;..what point are women proving by not taking DH surname?....

[HuffySpice]

".....would not have changed it" [end quote]

[Gateau]

Seems to be gravely misunderstood, princess.

I thought this not taking your DH's surname stance was a bygone nineties stance. Seems it's still around.

[HuffySpice]

Of course you can be a feminist and still become Mrs Husband's name. if you wish. Most people do, and most women (whether they realise it or not) are feminists. What you can't do it feel personally affronted when those of us who don't want to assume our husband's identity explain the logical, feminist reasonings behind our decision.

My reasons for not becomming Mrs Husband's name are deeply feminist. I don't give a fig what you do though , in the nicest possible way!, and I fully accept that you can choose to do as you like and still be a feminist. I will not pretend though that your decision doesn't merit robust discussion, as mine does too.

My feminism is not a passive thing, and I think it is only by challenging the customs that many women blindly accept, that our customs evolve to suit our society. My own mother has said to me "you are quite right to keep your name; I changed mine because it was what we all did, but if I'd thought about it I would not have changed it. How do you think we get from the state of "what we all did" to the state of "what some of us choose to do"? By breaking with convention, and thinking and talking about it. Perhaps I am trying to prove a point? But that is surely not "sad really" is it?