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AIBU?

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Original poster

not changing my name now I am married?

271 replies

beanieb · 03/08/2009 20:51

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 05/08/2009 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daftpunk · 05/08/2009 08:13

no...i don't think you do want to know what "acting female" means...

you know i'm realizing some women don't just talk bollocks...they've probably grown them aswell.

edam · 05/08/2009 08:16

My father didn't give me away - would have been ridiculous, I'd lived with dp longer than I'd lived with my dad, given my parents separated when I was 8.

But he did walk me down the very grand staircase at the hotel down to the hall where we had our ceremony. And I was very grateful for his solid arm holding me steady!

Once we were married, I presented my mother and 'Auntie' (my childminder when I was little who is still a close family friend) with bouquets to thank them for all their help. So parent roles were equal opps.

edam · 05/08/2009 08:17

daftpunk, bless you but you aren't living up to your name on this thread. And you forgot to mention strident man-hating feminists, btw.

Mumcentreplus · 05/08/2009 08:19

daft

(wonders if they have a back,sack n crack)

edam · 05/08/2009 08:22

oops, should have been 'aren't half living up to your name'. Um, guess I've just proved myself equally daft!

Mumcentreplus · 05/08/2009 08:31
LeninGrad · 05/08/2009 08:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 05/08/2009 08:44

That isn't how I see marriage LeninGrad. I love DH, want to grow old with him and am quite happy to have his name.
I don't see why people want to keep their name when it is their father's name anyway. It would make sense if it was their mother's mother's mother's etc name. It just seems odd that you don't want your DH's name but are quite happy that your mother took your father's name and you got the male one.

LeninGrad · 05/08/2009 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 05/08/2009 08:56

My hobby is family history and I think it a great shame to change a tradition that has been going on since surnames began.

Original poster
beanieb · 05/08/2009 09:01

To fair none of this is about me wanting to keep my name specifically (Or my now dead father's name or whatever) it's more to do with the hassle, the expense and the pointlessness of going under a different name at work or financially. Like I said I am happy to be known as Mrs Hisname to anyone who wants to call me that and I have changed it on silly things like facebook but in work I am beanieb mysurname, to the bank I am beanieb mysurname (or my dad's if you're being picky) and I really don't want to change that.

I suppose my work identity has (in my mind) very little to do with my marrital identity, asdoes my financial identity.

if that makes any sense...

My mortgage is in my name only (though we both live here) maybe I should change it so the mortgage is now registered under beanieb hisname? If we decide to buy another house we will pool our properties and buy one with a mortgage in both our names and at that point I might consider changing it to beanieb hisname... who knows.

OP posts:
daftpunk · 05/08/2009 09:02

yeah..but that's a boring and sexist view piscesmoon...you have to be like moondog and be a "nothing"..no Miss, Ms or Mrs........because that's cool and groundbreaking...[yawn]

LeninGrad · 05/08/2009 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigstripeytiger · 05/08/2009 09:06

I dont mind if I have my mothers name or my fathers name, but as I have had my fathers name since I was born Im not going to change it to my mothers name now, just like I'm not going to change it to anyone elses name either.

Mumcentreplus · 05/08/2009 09:10

I would like to be addressed as Vicereine Mumcentreplus the 1st..it's Poshtastic!

IdrisTheDragon · 05/08/2009 09:20

I think you can still be feminist and take your DH's surname when you get married. And be happy being a Mrs.

Mumcentreplus · 05/08/2009 09:26

So do I Idris...

mumof2222222222222222boys · 05/08/2009 09:27

when I was little I remember trying to find the stupidest names in the phone book...and laughing myself stupid at what some poor people were called.

Well - i then met one. and married him. In almost all aspects he is a wonderful DH - his toes and his NAME aside. That is my main reason for keeping my own name. He doesn't have a problem with it.

And the DSs both have his name. poor things.

MrsTittleMouse · 05/08/2009 09:31

I think that you can be a Mrs DH's surname and also be a feminist.

I struggle how you be a feminist and also brand all Ms Maidennames as bitter divorcees though.

Leningrad - unmarried heterosexual couples don't benefit from IHT rules, by the way. "Common-law marriage" is a myth. And I'm very glad of it. I am the one to decide whether I want to legally bond myself to someone else, thanks very much. I don't want the state to do it by default just because we happen to be sharing a house.

Gateau · 05/08/2009 09:36

"I think you can still be feminist and take your DH's surname when you get married. And be happy being a Mrs."

I totally agree with you, idris.

But some women are constantly trying to prove a point, Idris. Sad, really.

PrincessToadstool · 05/08/2009 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuffySpice · 05/08/2009 09:47

Of course you can be a feminist and still become Mrs Husband's name. if you wish. Most people do, and most women (whether they realise it or not) are feminists. What you can't do it feel personally affronted when those of us who don't want to assume our husband's identity explain the logical, feminist reasonings behind our decision.

My reasons for not becomming Mrs Husband's name are deeply feminist. I don't give a fig what you do though , in the nicest possible way!, and I fully accept that you can choose to do as you like and still be a feminist. I will not pretend though that your decision doesn't merit robust discussion, as mine does too.

My feminism is not a passive thing, and I think it is only by challenging the customs that many women blindly accept, that our customs evolve to suit our society. My own mother has said to me "you are quite right to keep your name; I changed mine because it was what we all did, but if I'd thought about it I would not have changed it. How do you think we get from the state of "what we all did" to the state of "what some of us choose to do"? By breaking with convention, and thinking and talking about it. Perhaps I am trying to prove a point? But that is surely not "sad really" is it?

Gateau · 05/08/2009 09:47

Seems to be gravely misunderstood, princess.

I thought this not taking your DH's surname stance was a bygone nineties stance. Seems it's still around.

HuffySpice · 05/08/2009 09:49

".....would not have changed it" [end quote]