not changing my name now I am married?

[beanieb]

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

I have changed it everywhere except for work.

Beware of doing a half arsed job like me though as I can never remember what name anything is booked under, for a while bank account did not match passport and that caused all sorts of problems with booking flights online etc etc

Husband often gets referred to as Mr. My Maiden name which he sort of has a sense of hmour about

sod that for a game of soldiers!
why on earth should you change your name just because dh thinks you should?
it's a bit arrogant (no offence meant)
my ex used to get annoyed when i said i wouldn't take his name (i don't mind saying his name is pigott - why the hell would any woman in their right mind go from being Ms nickelbabe to being Mrs PIGOTT!!)

the new OH has a (marginally) better surname, but i am not changing my name just because tradition (of pushing women down to be second class citizens) says that you should.
my idea was to have my bank account altered so it could accept payment in both my real name and my "assumed" married name, just in case school refunds etc put Mrs postman instead of ms nickelbabe....

and i don't mind being called mrs postman for the sake of schools etc, just because i will allow our children to have his surname, it makes it easier, but i will make sure i am on their records in my real name.

if he can't give you a real reason why he wants you to take his name, then he ibu, not you.
(and the only reason i can see is tradition)

HuffySpice my DH discussed taking my name when we got married. In fact, his original wish was to make a NEW family/surname that we would both take (can you tell he has issues with his dad? - I have issues with his dad too and don't particularly want their family name either)

but by the time we were actually doing the deed he was very well known professionally by his "maiden" name, it was the name credited on his IMDB page, and tattooed on his back ( but LOL too). So changing it wasn't really an option for him.

so we both kept the names we entered into the marriage with

I am really surprised at the number of YABU on this thread - I wasn't expecting it at all. I've been married 4 years and not bothered to change mine either.

Changing everything official is a real faff. The person who is most bothered about having the same surname should be the one to do it. In this case, the OP's DH.

Nobody would ask a man to change his name so why should a woman? I have never understood this.

In my world, there are 2 kinds of women. Women like me who would either never change their names or simply haven't given it much thought, and those like my friend who has spent her whole life dreaming of the day she can be 'Mrs SomebodyElsesName', and who has practiced her 'married signature' every time she has met a new man for the past 20 years.

To me, changing my name would be losing something, but to some women, it's seen as gaining status. To me, that's wildly outdated and patriarchal, but lots of people like 'traditions' and want to keep them going.

YANBU. Tell him to take a hike if he doesn't have any logical reason for wanting you to change your name.

I don't think YABU at all. I was married previously and my ex was insistant I changed my name to his, and kept making comments when he would come across something I still had under my maiden name (driving licence eg). I paid £90 to change my passport initially, plus a lot of hasstle to change my name at work, with the bank etc. When he decided he didn't want me after all, I had to pay £92 (earlier this year-took me a while to have spare cash for that) to change my passport back to my maiden name, plus £19 for a new driving licence. Then again changing work, bank etc.
I am getting married again in a few months time and am seriously considering not changing my name this time.

YANBU. I don't want to be critical of women who have changed their names, but I do find it somewhat disappointing that so many are willing (even keen) to relinquish theirs. It would be fine if an equal number of men and women took the name of their spouses, but the husbands who take their wives' names are few and far between. Many women say something along the lines of how keeping their name "doesn't particularly matter to them"; funny how it's always the woman it doesn't matter to.

If your DH is put out that you don't want to change your name, I'd say that's pretty telling about some of his attitudes towards women.

My husband changed his name after we married - well after DS was born really so 2yrs later, but neither of us now use the names we had before the wedding

Yy FlyingDuck, it is disappointing.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump, from what she's said it's important to her DH but not to her. It sounds like she is being dismissive of his feelings for something that doesn't really matter to her. IMHO that is BU.

They need to talk about why it's important to him. If it comes down to her being "property", sure, dismiss it, but if it is because he feels that it will help them be a cohesive family unit or for tradition (yes, tradition matters to some people and they shouldn't have to be told that their traditions are worthless on a whim) then she needs to address that.

Name-changing may not be the answer, but the OP should NOT get to just dismiss her husband's feelings on a matter that she has admitted isn't that important to her because she doesn't feel like jumping through some hoops. If she had said that she was a lifelong feminist and felt like changing her name would be giving up her identity but her DH wanted her to do it anyway I would have said that he was the one BU.

I'm really at this thread. It's your name keep it, if you want to. Only you know the importance of it in your relationship.

But why do you all assume the children should have his name?

I've been married nearly 20 years, always used my name on everything, and our children have only my name. Why is just accepted that children take their father's name?

By londonartemis on Mon 03-Aug-09 22:50:55

PS In Spain, married women don't change their names.
Children take both parents' names.
eg Ana FATHER surname MOTHER surname.
If Ana gets married she adds her husband's surname so she has three...she is then Ana FATHER MOTHER de HUSBAND, which is simply shortened to Ana FATHER

What happens when she has a child? Does the child become Child FATHER GRANDFATHER GRANDMOTHER de FATHER?
And what about the next generation? That could go on and on!!

I think in Spain one's children take both grandfather's names. So:

Dolores Smith Jones marries Felipe Brown Black (I can't think of enough Spanish surnames, sorry!) and becomes;

Dolores Smith Jones y Black, shortened to Dolores Smith (although I can't remember which of her husband's surnames she gets).

Felipe and Dolores have little Diego. He is Diego Smith Black, I think!

So maternal surnames are only handed on for one generation, then lost, if I've got this right.

I didn't change my name mainly because I couldn't be arsed.

Strangely I hated my surname as a child. You could turn it into something embarrassing if you enjoy that sort of humour, so some doltish bullies children at my school loved to indulge in ritual humiliation goodnatured joshing.

However this was character-building and has made me the tough old bag I am today.

DH has never worried about it even though he sometimes gets called by my surname by mistake.

His mother and brother don't like it and my own sister has some sort of objection too.

But then she objects to lots of other things that aren't her business and I can't be bothered to go into them either.

What puzzles me is why so many women keep their own names but then automatically give their children their husbands' names alone. Or, even worse, their partners! Why should the progeny of Jane Smith and Bob Jones be called Sophy and Jack Jones?

I wouldn't do it, and I'd be even more resistant if I wasn't married. Lots of people have posted here about how awkward it is having a different name to their child, especially after divorce or break up if not married.

I was intending to give ds both our surnames. Then he could choose whether to use whichever he liked best, or both, as an adult. But dh pointed out he didn't actually like his name and it isn't about to die out, so ds got mine. I do feel slightly sorry for dh having a different name to ds, even though it was his choice.

Can;t understnd why people don't change their names when they get married. Surely it's all part and parcel of the package?
My maiden name is still on my passport and it was the Passport Agency that advised me not to bother changing my passport because of the expense. So now I just book all fliht tickets under my maiden name - no big dela.
I think YABU not to change your name if it annoys your DH so much.Compromise is vital in marriage. He probably feels insulted that you are not proud to take his name.

The assumption that the man's surname will be given to the children, where the women has retained her own name or the couple are unmarried, is entirely baffling. It's entirely illogical. My own sister did it - I was pretty saddened at that. Again, her reasoning was that her own surname didn't matter that much to her, and it would be nice for her DP's parents to have their name used...

I'm expecting a baby in December, and DP and I are as one on this issue - that it will take both our names. We will probably marry next year, and he's pleased that I want to stay a 'Ms', and we'll officially keep our names, but unofficially will double barrel them to match the baby. If DP didn't want me to have my name on the child, or wanted to me to change my name on marriage, it would prompt me to question what type of person he is. He himself is disappointed at female friends of his who have changed their names or given their kids their partner's name.

"By FlyingDuck on Tue 04-Aug-09 12:14:13
YANBU. I don't want to be critical of women who have changed their names, but I do find it somewhat disappointing that so many are willing (even keen) to relinquish theirs. It would be fine if an equal number of men and women took the name of their spouses, but the husbands who take their wives' names are few and far between. Many women say something along the lines of how keeping their name "doesn't particularly matter to them"; funny how it's always the woman it doesn't matter to.

If your DH is put out that you don't want to change your name, I'd say that's pretty telling about some of his attitudes towards women."

woaaahhhhh there!

I think your comment there about my husband's attitude towards women is actually more telling of your attitude towards me to be fair.

I actually LIKE my Husband's name and I am really really happy to be known by it. I would like any children we have to have his name. My question has never been a so called 'feminist' one but more a financial and time consuming one.

Can you maybe explain how his wish for me to change my name 'officially' is in any way indicative of any bad 'attitudes' towards women because I am a bit confused about the conclusions you seem to be coming to.

Gateau, but why should the obligation of name-changing fall on the woman? Equally, by your argument, the man should be proud to take his wife's name, and a woman should feel insulted that her husband didn't want to take her name. But they rarely are, are they?

Gateau can you explain to me what you mean by changing my name? I was mostly talking about things like the passport (Which you haven't changed yourself) but apart from my own personal bank account I am pretty much prepared to be known as Mrs Hisname, am just confused about what actually constitutes 'changing your name' - is there a way to do all this legaly but without changing a passport or doing it by deed-poll - which I don't think is anything to do with changing a married name - is it?

"the OP should NOT get to just dismiss her husband's feelings " - oh I do agree. I am just a bit unsure about his feelings.

Anyway

I gather IABU to some people and IANBU to others. As always

I will not spend £77 on changing a passport which is so new, I will change my driving licence, I won't change my bank, I will change the bills into our new name, I won't change my work email.

I will remember to order tickets in my maiden name.

(my theory on the children taking the father's name was based entirely on the fact that the names for said children work better with postman than with nickelbabe: although then we get the problem that we could choose a name that went better with nickelbabe. hmm. DCs having different names too.
this could get complicated, i think.)

but my surname is the best name in the world and i don't want to lose it.
(and i have two sisters too so that name will die with me if the kids don't take it)

right: i'm changing the names of the imagined children so mine works with it!