not changing my name now I am married?

[beanieb]

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

[DitaVonCheese]

It's such a difficult one. Changing your name is such a bloody pain in the arse that I'd recommend not bothering, but I do like having the same name as DH and DD. It was very horrible for a while though, not knowing who this new made-up-name person was.

Your DH (!) is being silly. Does his mum always change her name?

Only thing I'd say is are you allowed two names? I had to have a deed poll because I kept my maiden name as a middle name, and I had to promise to give up my old name and only be known by my new one (I am still working through changing it two years later though ).

[MrsTittleMouse]

I kept my name. At first DH was a little bit concerned that it indicated a lack of commitment on my part, he did the "but what's wrong about my name?" thing, but we sorted that out pretty quickly. After lots of years married and two DCs it's pretty obvious that I'm in it for the long haul.

[trellism]

I couldn't be arsed either. Four years later, I have to say that it has not caused any problems whatsoever.

[luckylady74]

I kept my name and one of the reasons why I love dh is because I knew he wouldn't give a shit- as he said 'why on earth would I?'
I got married to celebrate outr life long commitment not give up my identity. Our kids have both our names hyphenated.

[beanieb]

yes I think she (his mum) has.

I honestly have no objection to being called mrs his name or beanieb hisname, I just don't plan on going through all the faff to get it changed on documents unless I have to - I mean £77 for a new passport when mine doesn't run out for ages and all I have to do is make sure tickets are booked in my maiden name!!? We had to for the joint account as the cheques given as gifts were made out to mr and mrs his name and I did it without any fuss or objections!

Maybe I could keep my name as a middle name, though I don't want it hyphenated (sp) personally. I don't actually have a middle name so maybe this would be a good way of getting one?!

[mellifluouscauliflower]

We did have this "discussion" too.

I asked my husband if he would change his name to my surname. He unsurprisingly said no. I said that it wasn't reasonable to expect me to do something he wasn't prepared to do himself! I told him I was happy that our future children could have his surname but I was keeping mine. That seemed enough of a concession and an end of the discussion.

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[sunangel88]

Been married several years and never wanted to change my name. It's an archaic Christian custom anyway. When we have kids, thinking of giving the girls my surname and the boys his

[londonartemis]

I have kept my name. Got married when I was 35 and very established in my work. Started trying to use my husband's surname for some things, then got totally confused as to which name I was using in which circumstances and so decided to be 100% maiden name. All our children have his name only. Agree that it's very useful in spotting the cold callers etc on the phone. We still have separate bank accounts etc. On the list of parents names at the children's schools, it's clear that many mothers have decided to keep their names, whether they're working or not.

[wahwah]

I am delighted to see somany other women who feel the same way. I kept my name, the dcs are double-barrelled and both dh and I will gradually change our documents to the d-b surname over time. We'll both keep our 'maiden' names for work.

If he wasn't up for this then he wouldn't have been secure enough for me go want to marry.

[londonartemis]

PS In Spain, married women don't change their names.
Children take both parents' names.
eg Ana FATHER surname MOTHER surname.
If Ana gets married she adds her husband's surname so she has three...she is then Ana FATHER MOTHER de HUSBAND, which is simply shortened to Ana FATHER

[passionfruity]

I have kept my name too and am pleased to hear that so many others have too.

I have had some negative comments / hostility from a few people (eg my father-in-law) but I just ignored his ignorance

[edam]

I've been married for 12 years, kept my own name, never been a problem. I'm not a flaming possession, why would I want to be labelled as 'property of dh'?

Irritated my MIL but not half as much as ds having my surname alone! (This was dh's choice, I was happy to use both.)

[DitaVonCheese]

If you want to keep your maiden name as a middle name then you'll need a deed poll (I think - if you want to do it "officially" (passport etc) anyway). It is a hassle but overall I'm glad I did it - two years later.

Hyphenating only works for one generation, doesn't it?

[edam]

(Oh, only thing anyone calling me Mrs makes me turn round and look for my Gran. Who has sadly not been with us for many years now.)

[edam]

Don't understand the need for a deed poll if you keep maiden name as a middle name. You aren't changing your name any more than someone who starts using a married surname is, and they don't need a deed poll. And you've got certificates with both names on should anyone ever question it.

Legally anyone can call themselves what the hell they like anyway, as long as there's no intent to deceive.

My (ex) stepmother didn't have any middle names of her own so became Christian name/maiden name/surname - don't think she ever had any problems.

[Katisha]

I would just say whatever you do keep photographic ID in both names.

Having kept my maiden name for some things (like work) and not for others (like stuff to do with DCs) it finally came to a head a couple of years ago when the wretched bank refused to let me have my single account in a different name from the joint account. It had been fine for 10 years and they are happy to receive my monthly salary in the other name but hey - you don't get common sense from banks any more.

I was even told by one bank that a married woman MUST use her husband's name which is patent bollocks.

Anyway - just make sure you have ID in both names otherwise sooner or later the computer will say no.

[trellism]

My FIL's friend is a consultant at the hospital I'm at, and wanted to see me, but couldn't find my records. FIL had to tell her that I had kept my name.

I then got an email from her saying that I must be a very independent woman and that I shouldn't feel obliged to come and see her (a consultant obs specialising in difficult/complex pregnancies) just because the men in my life were forcing me to!

[higgle]

I've been married 25 years this year and didn't change my name. DH didn't get on with his father and didn't really want our children to have his name. I am from a family that seems to be dying out as the few males don't seem to be reproducing. I call myself "Miss" as in rural Gloucestershire people can't get their heads around "Ms", Our two sons have both surnames without a hyphen, which works well. Actually it is quite exciting sometimes when people you don't know assume you are unmarried, can't understand why so many people do change names.

[MsHighwater]

Given that it is the tradition in this country for a married woman to change her name, maybe your dh feels that "can't be arsed" isn't a good enough reason not to do it. I don't remember it being much of a hassle - not much more than changing address which some people do almost as often as they change bedlinen.

I was 34 when I married and I guess I was also "well-established" under my former name. Changing my name has never been much of a problem, I've found.

Maybe if you felt strongly that you should retain your own name, you dh might be more at peace with it. What you're saying, though, is that you will do but you can't be bothered to do it now.

[edam]

Can't be arsed is a perfectly good reason for not doing something that is completely unnecessary and you don't feel like doing, IMO. If dh feels strongly about name-changing, he's free to change his own.

[beanieb]

I will do it on my passport ehrn it comes up for renewal, doubt I will ever do it for my own bank account. Might do it for my driving licence because apparently that's easy.

Anyway - I don't want to make my OH out to be a horror, I was just a bit about why it was so important to him if he couldn't really say why IYSWIM.

[Woooozle100]

I didn't change mine

well not until 4 yrs after. Changed it then with my doc and bank. Passport / driving license is still in my maiden name. And I haven't changed at work

I thought you could flit / straddle yr names as you fancied? V confusing tho. Had to sow passport for id t'other week and caused all sorts of confusion

DH knew when we got married I had no intention of taking his name tho. And that I thought it made me sound like the school bully!

Softened cos of wanting the same names as kids. Hit me when dd was in hospital loads last year. Guess I should do it properly

I used married name on facebook before this. Useful for avoiding nobheads from school

[DitaVonCheese]

Can't be arsed is one of the best reasons for not doing something

I did have both names on FB, but yes, then realised I was harder to find with just my new one!

[beanieb]

hmmm... maybe I should just do it, is there any point keeping my name for one thing and 'our' name for another I wonder? I have always said if we have kids they would have 'our' name and I would probably change everything then and this may happen before my passport runs out so...