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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not changing my name now I am married?

271 replies

beanieb · 03/08/2009 20:51

I really can't be arsed. The number one reason(s) being the expense and the inconvenience of changing everything.

So far I have changed my name on facebook (apparently not good enough although more people will see that than my passport or bank account) and my name on our joint savings account.

We have separate accounts, no kids (yet) and the bills are in both our names.

My OH says it's 'really important' to him but when I ask why he can't explain and then says let's not talk about it because it annoys him so much and he feels like I am winding him up. I on the other hand can give lots of reasons why I can't be arsed. I am happy when my passport runs out in 8 years to re-apply using my married name but it just makes no sense to me to change everything all in one go. People in work know me by my usual name etc.

I think he thinks I am being unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
flockwallpaper · 03/08/2009 23:26

I didn't change my details straight away. You will find that it takes quite a long time as your maiden name crops up in all sorts of places, and every institution seems to want to see your original marriage certificate. It is a faff tbh, but like other posters, I wanted to have the same surname as my children.

BellaNoir · 03/08/2009 23:27

I didn't and have no intention of doing so. From the reactions I received when got married (only in the last 5 years)
'are you allowed not to change your passport - is that legal?' was good 'un; it appears to still baffle many. Including my PIL who have an incredibly annoying habit of addressing all correspondance to Mr and Mrs His FirstName HisSurname. On receipt of these I announce that they're sending post to someone who doesn't exist. We're going out with them soon and I have booked the table and it's in my name, which might have to be said a bit too loudly

Original poster
beanieb · 03/08/2009 23:29

To be honest I really woutldn't mind getting ers and cards from Family using 'our' name, but I would object to the cold calling.

OP posts:
DitaVonCheese · 03/08/2009 23:31

Tell him you'll change your name on your passport if he pays

BellaNoir · 03/08/2009 23:31

Oh and I'm a strident proud feminist Ms too

YANBU

BellaNoir · 03/08/2009 23:35

Ah I could just about put up with the odd card to Mrs hissurname - it's not being allowed to have my own first name gets me. Apparently we have to be assimilated!

blueshoes · 03/08/2009 23:42

beanieb, I did not change my name for all the same reasons you mentioned. Another (unstated) reason at the back of my mind is I have seen divorced women having to change their names back and I am not having any of that.

BigGobMum · 03/08/2009 23:47

With hindsight I would have kept my own name as looking back it seems that I just gave up my identity. Its too late now to do anything about it but at the time it was the done thing! I liked my own surname much better.

BrandyAlexander · 03/08/2009 23:54

I use both names. Professionally known as Ms Maiden Name and domestically known as Mrs Married Name. My passport is in both names. i.e. the picture page says I am Mrs Married Name and the Observations page says I am Miss Maiden name. I can travel in either name. Seemed to apease hubby.

marenmj · 04/08/2009 10:05

can't be arsed to read the whole thread

but

it sounds like YABU

I did not change my name when DH and I got married, like you, due to the expense, but I am an immigrant. Getting a new passport would be the small expense. The Home Office would charge me in excess of £500 to transfer my visa to the new passport and even then I would still have to show both my passport and marriage certificate when going through immigration, both here and abroad. Best to leave that hassle for when we apply for ILR.

I also like having my name. I have not changed it at work or on any accounts except for facebook, which I don't think counts.

I am a strident feminist as well.

I think YABU because it is important to your DH and your best reason for not doing it is you can't be bothered, so it sounds like it's a lot more important to him than it is to you. If it really is important to you and you feel like a part of your identity is wrapped into the name you are addressed as, than you two need to doing some serious talking and reach a compromise.

At the end of the day, a rose by any other name.... you're still you no matter what you're called, even mummy

Original poster
beanieb · 04/08/2009 10:13

I've been told that my driving licence is changeable for free so am going to do that but no way do I have £77 to chuck away on a passport I don't legally have to change. Not to mention the fact that the passport I hold currently actually cost me something rediculous like £108 because my ex destroyed my old one and I had to rush a replacement through so I could join my now husband on Holiday a couple of years ago!

Anyway - am happy to be called Mrs ourname by anyone who wants to do it and have decided that it's pointless changing all the documents/accounts into a new name when it's not really going to hurt anyone if I don't. My bank account for example is only used by me so it doesn't really matter what name is on it to be honest.

OP posts:
londonartemis · 04/08/2009 10:21

If you don't change your passport beanieb, remember/remind your DH to book your airline tickets under your passport name!

marenmj · 04/08/2009 10:22

Sounds like a good plan, especially if you keep separate accounts there's no real reason to change them. Though it could probably be done for free by just showing them your marriage certificate.

Hopefully your DH will understand if you tell him it's important to you to keep your name for at least a few things.

DitaVonCheese · 04/08/2009 10:24

When I first got engaged, I thought it was really because I personally didn't want to have DC outside of marriage, but as we got closer to the wedding I realised that it was about declaring ourselves a unit, him and me against the world Changing our name reflected that.

Mentioned this thread to DH last night and he said that he didn't really know why, but he liked the fact I changed my name (he wasn't fussed when I was trying to decide whether to do it or not).

I'm still a Ms though - perhaps you should reconsider that, OP?

RustyBear · 04/08/2009 10:44

I'd say it's up to you - I certainly wouldn't want to bother changing a passport that's only 2 years old.

I changed my name because I preferred the sound of my husband's name to that of my father's name (and after all you are usually just changing your name from one man's name to another man's name) though one thing that I didn't take into account was that my MIL has the same initial as me, so we are both now Mrs R.Bear - which was her excuse for opening my letters when she was staying with us....

HuffySpice · 04/08/2009 10:55

I didn't change my name, and certainly not because I "couldn't be arsed".

Changing your name from that of your father to that of your husband is rooted in traditions I don't much care for. I was not my father's property to "give away" (ahh, another delightful wedding tradition) and neither am I now the property of my husband.

I did not change my name because why on earth would I?

My name is my name.

No one considered asking dh to change his name to mine when he got married. Why would they? Well it works both ways.

I did say to dh that if he wanted us all to have the same family name we could discuss it, but the conversation never got any further because he found the notion of either of us changing my name as pointless and silly as I did.

I find it baffling that women meekly change their name to that of their husband without giving it a thought.

Our children have my husband's name because it's a nicer name. They could just as easily have had mine or something hyphenated.

Original poster
beanieb · 04/08/2009 10:56

no way would I ever be a Ms. I am happy to be a Miss or a Mrs but never a Ms

Rustybear - that's awful about your MIL, what a stupid excuse. Had she had her post forwarded? If not then what a stupid stupid excuse for her to open your mail!

OP posts:
thedolly · 04/08/2009 11:13

YABU and lazy.

LeninGrad · 04/08/2009 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad · 04/08/2009 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RustyBear · 04/08/2009 11:18

She had had her post forwarded when she moved the year before - but to my SIL's, not to us!

She said she 'just didn't think', she saw her name & 'didn't remember' my name would be the same.

Fair enough, I suppose, I'd only been married to her son for 28 years....

girlsyearapart · 04/08/2009 11:23

Changed mine but prob would've thought twice if DH had a horrid surname!
Didn't affect my identity or feminist views at all! Bit mean on people who have changed to suggest that actually.
Was going to say same about making sure you book hols in passport name too.
Changing everything is a faff but all free except passport. I only had 1 year left on mine so I changed it after our honeymoon. Have friends who have changed all but passport until it expires. No reason to spend that much until it runs out.

Original poster
beanieb · 04/08/2009 11:26

I am lazy too lazy to tramp about changing names I don't need to change. Better things to do really like work and have fun and do all the washing up!!

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 04/08/2009 11:36

just do it as and when then or not at all! and come and do my washing up too please!

Morloth · 04/08/2009 11:41

I didn't change mine, mostly cause I couldn't be arsed. DH got a bit antsy about it, but I told him tough luck. Then he got over it. Been married 11 years now, he is used to being called Mr Morloth a lot.