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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
claw3 · 16/02/2010 17:26

Labyrinthine, Sorry for stating the obvious! if he is trying, you cant keep referring back to the past and vice versa.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/02/2010 17:30

No of course he doesn't want a divorce because he can't be arsed. He knows his life will be harder work without you, and he's not unhappy enough living with you to justify it but that is just his tough shit. He is trying to make himself the victim like he always has.

Catitainahatita · 16/02/2010 18:14

Remember Laby, that he always tries to make things your fault. You've told us that numerous times. You even said that you knew he would try and make out that the divorce was your fault.

This is what he is trying to to. And will go on trying to do: grinding you down, making you feel guilty until he gets his way (ie that you stay and things gi back to being as they were before: which is what he wants, imo).

Don't play along. Don't discuss it with him. If he starts whinging etc., have a stock of ready phrases handy to reply to him:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"That's a shame".

But don't elaborate any further, explain or (whatever you do) DON'T JUSTIFY YOURSELF to him (sorry about the caps, but it is important). You don't need to justify this to him. He won't ever "understand" because he doesn't want to.

Save your justifications for your dc and for your divorce petition. Only talk to him about the strictly necessary day to day stuff. Don't try and engage him further, because he will only try and draw you back into his blame game.

Katisha · 16/02/2010 18:15

Brilliant summary Claw!

Laby - do you really expect him to be saying "I have treated my wife like a non-person for years, been capricious in my moods and generally unpleasnt to anyone I can't be bothered with so now she is divorcing me"?

No.

Of course he is trying to make it your fault. And make out to other people that you going back to work has triggered it. Not seeing that you going back to work was part of the process of you claiming yourself back from reliance on him and the state of his moods. (See first ever post on here...)

But solictors have seen it all before. No-one will be fooled by last-minute conversions to perfect spouse and father.

Please get that solicitor's appt booked so you know where you stand on everything and can then make informed decisions as to how to proceed. Please no more faffing and analysing - I am not saying file for divorce this minute - I AM saying ring for a solicitor's appt.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 18:39

it was just,reading other threads on the relationship section,i thought if he is genuinely trying maybe i should give him a chance...and maybe he is like this because i was never really properly in love with him i just thought it would work out in the end and felt sorry for him[sorry but i was young]

OP posts:
Catitainahatita · 16/02/2010 18:47

You've given him lots of chances up til now. If he had really changed he woouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty or trying to mke out it was all your fault. These are the signs that he hamade n effort to change. He is being more helpful because it serves his purpose now, not for any other reason.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/02/2010 19:04

"maybe he is like this because i was never really properly in love with him"

Well, maybe but probably not. It's not your problem now anyway. Most people don't turn the way he has when they sense they aren't being loved - they try to get the person to love them first.

Pikelit · 16/02/2010 19:16

You have two choices here, laby.

  1. You can keep avoiding the inevitable by never quite committing yourself to anything tangible. So you always have an excuse for not making that appointment with the solicitor while continuing to share snippets from your sorry saga into your dotage.
  1. You could brace yourself, make that phone call and start putting the practical arrangements in place for a brave new life.

Now it might be that you don't actually want to split up with this abusive, controlling and thoroughly unpleasant man (my comments being based on what you have told us). But if this is the case then you've also got to accept that the day will come when people stop listening and being supportive.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 19:21

yes i tried hard to love him and make it work ..i think i made every valentines meal for about 15 yrs [as well as every other meal of course]

lots of effort with his family..buying his family's presents when he was too overworked...looking after the dcs because he was too bad tempered to cope....having sex to make us closer,genuinely trying to make it all work

which it would have done if he had just been able to be nice and think how lucky he was to have got me instead of treating me like c**p despite me being really really nice and really really easygoing

to the point that i wasted my life with this inadequate bigot who can't see beyond the end of his own nose.

wasted my life talking to this person who has never actually bothered to reply...

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 19:31

don't you understand i am trying to gather strength to feel i am right to feel this way[and he is wrong] and face the opposition that there will be

but of course i don't expect anyone to fix it for me that's not possible because it's not rl and you are not at all obliged to post i could probably do this as a diary or word document

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 19:42

just tell me then

leave him or not leave him

honestly

OP posts:
OfficiallyMe · 16/02/2010 19:45

leave him

honestly

bibbitybobbityhat · 16/02/2010 19:51

You've had six months worth of advice and support from Mnetters. I think you really should now do them the courtesy of a) taking the advice or b) stop asking for it.

(have lurked on and off from the start but didn't really have anything to add because other posters were doing such an excellent job for you).

mumblechum · 16/02/2010 19:55

leave him.

Or at least phone for a solicitor's appt.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/02/2010 19:56

bibbity, fwiw I don't agree. I don't feel laby owes me anything. I think too many people on here get a sort of dramatic satisfaction from hearing that there's been a resolution to an issue (especially when it goes the way they want). But life isn't like that, and it can take people years to realise what they need to do.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/02/2010 19:56

oh, leave him!

Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 20:05

bibbity it's not really your problem is it ~ you are just being mean

OP posts:
Katisha · 16/02/2010 20:12

Make the appointment.

Then decide when you have the facts.

I don't know whether to carry on nagging or to flounce off until you have rung them.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 20:17

do you think i should leave/divorce him kat

OP posts:
mumblechum · 16/02/2010 20:18
Katisha · 16/02/2010 20:20

I suspect you'll be happier without him and that the DCs won't be getting a negative example of adult relationships. Life is too short to sacrifice it to someone who makes you feel like shit.

But I still don't think you can decide what to do without proper legal advice from a solicitor.

Why won't you do it?

mumblechum · 16/02/2010 20:21

Person one - my house is on fire

Person two - call the fire brigade

P1 but what if it's not that bad?

P2 You should still call the fire brigade

P1 but maybe it's all my fault for leaving the iron on

P2 Have you called the fire brigade yet?

P1 What do you think I should do?

AAAAAAARGH

Is how I'd sum up this thread.

Katisha · 16/02/2010 20:21

I mean - why won't you see solicitor?

Why?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 20:23

it's because i see the solicitor as dealing with the legalities of the divorce while atm i am trying to decide whether to separate from him or not

also because i am worried about saying too much

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 20:26

people saying see a solicitor is not imo the same as saying leave him,and that is what i want to be the right thing to do instead of just being what i want to do

OP posts:
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