to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Yes brahms you are right..and altho he is being passable at present,on his best behaviour he is still blaming me for everything etc so not that great.

I have just stumbled on this thread, and having read it, I just can't close it and go to bed. I hope you don't mind me butting in.

And I don't want to be critical, but supportive. I think you are coping very well with a very difficult situation, out of which there is no easy exit or quick fix.

Ok, so. It is clear from this thread that you don't want to be with your DH, in fact you state many times that you hate him. Your main problem is that you don't know quite how to do it and want to make sure you minimise the upset for your dc.

However, a secondary and important problem for you, is that you doubt yourself too much. I say this because, you are starting to get cold feet about leaving him because he is suddenly being nicer and more helpful. You also say
"So what I mean is he will find a "reason" to explain me wanting to separate and that will be my fault..."

I am not sure why you care what he thinks. He is never going to see this from your point of view, he is never going to be reasonable. He is going to blame you. But from what you say, he won't find many people to agree with him.

What I mean is: you don't need his approval or his consent to you separating from him. What he thinks about it all is irrelevant. You (and your dc) must come first. Not him.

I know you want to avoid unpleasentness, nasty atmospheres and arguments, but you can't. Whether you stay or not, there is going to be that. However, if you do see a solicter and get divorce proceeding in motion, you will be at least setting yourself a date for when you can be free of it. It will be lots of unpleasentness now to save your self 20 years of it in the future. (Because I can assure you that this being nice phase is not going to last).

You can do this. I know you think it will be too hard, but you have done so much already, you can do this too. Don't doubt yourself anylonger.

Best of luck.

to be fair to him I told him he was unreasonable and selfish and he has improved but it doesn't make any difference to my feelings for him...and he is still quite negative and blaming just not as bad."
"

Soory, I meant to add, that things being "just not as bad" is not a good argument for gritting your teeth an carrying on. You deserve better. You can do better. You will do better.

Laby, this improvement in his behaviour is just another controlling measure to make you doubt yourself and your own feelings. It will not last. It's all too little, too late. Continue with your preparatory plans for the separation, and get your legal rights clarified.

From personal experience, I found that actually doing something about the situation I was in made me feel better, although in my case exh started the separation process by us going to counselling, I was the one who effectively ended these after a few sessions, because I didn't want to be with him anymore. Then we each got solicitors, I started to look for another house, and divided our assets.

Yes it was stressful, I lost weight, I had to deal with a lot, but the relief was incredible once I was away from exh.
And am I right in thinking your older children are in favour of this marriage ending? They will surely support you if they are happier and less stressed, which they will be while living in a home where the atmosphere is so uncertain. They will be able to choose whether or not they wish to see their father as no court order is applicable after 16yrs of age, you may have a case for limiting contact to those under 16 as he has been physically threatening to your dd before, and may even need supervised contact.

You really need to get all the information clear in your own mind before you approach your husband with the divorce petition, so that he can't attempt to destroy your confidence and bully you into submission because you don't know your rights.

catinahat..thankyou for your post you are right that I seem to want him to agree with me in some way...thanks for pointing that out

girlywhirly...I know I will feel better but it will proably be tinged with why I stayed with him so long..."best years of your life" and all that lol and I think it will be too late for me to meet someone new at my age and all the upheaval will just result in distress and then being lonely

Oh come on Laby

It is NOT better to stay in a relationship with someone you no longer have time for and who has no respect for you because you worry that you will be lonely without him. you KNOW it's not.

All change is difficult, even when it's ultimately for the better. Don't let unfounded fears about the future paralyse your life. What's the point of that? YOu only have one life - why sacrifice it to fear of lonliness. You have a job and colleagues now - for a start. And anyway - do you need a man to validate your life? Is it all about Meeting Someone Else? Can you not start with it being about making the most of your life at the moment - to start living it, with new people, new interests, not sitting bored at home with a hyper critical and resentful DH who thinks all the ills of the marriage lie at your door?

Right - ring solictor in morning - they may do Sat mornings. Or late evenings. Or lunchtimes. It can't be impossible to arrange an appointment. And as has been said - don't wait for H's permission for you to leave, or for him to understand why you want to go. Why on earth would he think it was anything to do with him when he has had a great couple of decades being at the centre of his own world?

I do know it will be tough and horrible though, but I bet you come out the other side stronger and happier.

ok...sorry am in bad mood today

will do

laby, hi,

remember in the past all the times he belittled or wounded you, or treated you like a piece-a-shit, the pain you felt inside, then the slow recovery from that pain, and then eventually the feeling that everything was ok again, the two of you were rubbing along well and maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all?

• that's what's happening to you now - only now you have the clarity that you didn't have then, and you know what you've gotta do...and it's almost more frightening than all the other stuff you've put up with.

I agree with the others, this peaceful helpful version of your h is simply a part of the old pattern, and, although you're not doubting yourself in the old way you kind of are doubting yourself in a new way iyswim.

Did you ever read The Verbally Abusive Relationship? by Patricia Evans (Can't re-read the whole thread to find out if you did! ) If not, get it. Get it TOMORROW. Please, please read it.

The following is from "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

Basic rights in a Relationship -

The right to goodwill from the other.

The right to emotional support.

The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view.

the right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

The right to live free from accusations and blame.

The right to live free from criticism and judgement.

The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

The right to encouragement.

The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

This is what you wrote on the 3rd* August

Well I don't care if he's not perfect but I

don't like the way he speaks to me in front of the dcs in a loud voice,on purpose

cannot live with lies/truth bending~that messes with my mind and is wrong

can't live with not being treated as an equal

would LOVE to be one of those people who are best friends with their dh

think I have good qualities but becos he is so intent on putting me down,they are never recognised

don't like setting a bad example to the dcs of marriage

feel he is against me,not with me and there is no reason for it

feel he can't communicate in a straightforward way

know that sometimes,when it really really matters,like serious illness,he is unhelpful

he doesn't apologise to clear the air

After everything I don't really want him as a partner anymore but I'm not sure I can go thru the horrendous mind boggling split it would entail

I want to be on my own but at the same time I don't want to upset the staus quo for the

..............Trust your feelings Laby.

It's never too late to meet someone else, if that is what you want. I got married again at 44! Katisha is pointing out that your husband will not be able to control what you choose to do and criticise, taking all the enjoyment away.

As for what you see as wasted years with him, don't look back, only forwards to your new life. What happened, happened and is over and done. You can't change that, but you can change your future and that of your dc's. Be the positive influence in their lives, you know their dad won't be. And never underestimate the damage that can be done by living in an atmosphere of uncertainty, tension and resentment, to everyones health. The older dc must see that there is no respect left, if you stay you are demonstrating that it is the wifes lot to be bullied, and the husbands to do the bullying. Learned patterns of behaviour that carry on into relationships the dc have with future girl/boyfriends/partners/spouses. I bet that the other side of the separation is nothing like as scary as how your married life is at the moment.

Make sure he isn't hiding money in any secret accounts that he will not declare to the solicitors when they divide your marital assets. Someone at my dh work said he had withheld an asset from his wife when they divorced, a long time ago, I think it was ownership of a shop or something, but she had never known about it all their married life.

Also consider how you will manage sudden expensive bills, like the boiler packs up and needs replacing, or the car fails its MOT and needs a lot spending to make it pass. If your h is likely to be difficult and withhold money 'to spite you for chucking him out' make sure you get enough in your settlement for an emergency fund, not just enough for mortgage, bills, and child maintenance. And do get those copies of bills, mortgage payments etc before he decides to hide them and thwart your efforts. You are entitled, whether you worked for a wage all your married life or not. 25 years of marriage is a significant contribution, where you raised three dc and kept the home together, while coping with a really difficult husband. Don't try to be generous in any way and think that you don't deserve it. Oh, while you're at it, get an up to date valuation on your house, because it's possible that when the assets are divided, the amount you get may be based on the current value, rather than the original purchase price. (In case hypothetically you were to sell and divide the proceeds, or one were to buy the other out.)

Laby, you are upset and lonely now. Your H does not provide the love and companionship you need. Even if you don't find someone else straightaway (although it's pretty much likely that you will later on), you will at least live without his brooding presence and without the snide and belittling comments. Although things might not be wonderful, they will be lots better than "not that bad".

How things turn out will be up to you and not up to him (as your life is dictated just now). Don't shy away from making your own life and your own future because you are scared of the unknown. The unknown is only scarey because you haven't experienced it yet. Once you are living it, it is never as bad as you fear.

You haven't wasted any years of your life (think about your lovely dc, hardly a waste are they?) but it is up to you to make sure you enjoy the rest of them. They can be the best days of your life, too.

I'm incredibly touched by your posts girls...people's kindness never ceases to amaze me.

It is me who is sequestering some money ~ my earnings are in my own account atm which obviously isn't fair but I feel I need something behind me to rely on.

Really good post mumonthenet. He just isn't worth the effort. You are obviously a very tolerant person laby, but I think time is up on the relationship. I think it's really great that you're taking steps to look after yourself. I am sure you will find someone else, even though thats not the most important thing. I bet you're pretty!

You are doing the right thing with your wages. You need some money to hand for when you do leave.
Have you made the appointment with a solictor yet?

This am

earlier convo about how he has cleaned the floor it's not been cleaned for years[wth]and me saying ds not to fire capgun at 8 am and him saying it's fine.

Then

I said we need to get the house valued

H..what for

me In case we move

H I'm not moving.You can move out if you want to I don't care

MeI'm not moving.You may have to ....being a sahd for 6 weeks doesn't count

H SHOUTS SO DS CAN HEAR...IF YOU WANT A DIVORCE GET A DIVORCE I DON'T CARE iT WILL AFFECT DS THOUGH

ME you've been doing that for years

H I don't know why you married me you've been threatening me for years I've had to put up with this for years I don't know why you followed me down to X[where we live] I was trying to get away from you!

I know that I wouldn't be able to work as I am now as I need him to take ds to school and from childcare in the evening...I also think he is looking after ds and cleaning all of a sudden as part of a plan to make me look like an absent mother[wth after all these years]so he gets to stay in the house and tell everyone I have divorced him for no reason because I don't care about the family anymore

I hate him more than words can express .

ds doesn't want to move and I can't afford to stay in this house alone...so we have to sell and move on that is the way forward.

But he will keep saying and has already shouted so ds can hear "Your mother has done all this,ruined everything for everyone,blame her not me,I wanted to stay here but we can't because your mother wants a divorce!"

please help regulars and kind people only

you need a solicitor.

they will give you the best advice for moving forward.

and he's still using that "it will upset the DS" as a reason to hold you back.

make an appointment as soon as you can.

write everything down that you need.
make a budget so that you can see how much money you have coming in and how much needs to go out.
you can get maintenance from him once he's gone.
and talk to your boss about flexitime.

Solicitor Solicitor Solicitor
Pick up phone now - they might work Sats.
If not - from work on Mon am.

You will not have to sell. In all likliehood you will keep the house until the DCs are all over 18. He is bluffing/hasn't got a clue.

Of course he is not going to be reasonable - nothing has EVER been his fault has it?

Come on Laby - time to hit the phone and get to grips with your legal rights.

I will now nag daily on this thread until you have made the appointment - you may be able to do it right now.

The solicitors have seen it all before.

Have you done it yet?

And the sooner you get going the better Laby, if H is planning on using DS as an emotional bettering ram.

I think from the info I have[I have spoken to a solicitor friend and another close friend just divorced] a solicitor will do the divorce papers but the settlement is agreed between the parties with court settlement being very undesirable and expensive.

I think I am coming to a decision...the house will have to be sold as neither of us can pay the other person out or he will jointly own it until ds is 18 and I don't want that tie with him.As far as I can gather if I stay here I would have to move eventually anyway to pay my halfwhen ds is 18 so I would rather move now.

It is more traumatic for the dcs for both parents to move to separate houses but it is the best solution due to the value of the house.

Sorry - bAttering ram!

cross posts will try online but as far as I have been told it is better to come to agreement ourselves if possible.

OK but still make an actual appointment for youself asap.

Now.

While you are at it ring or go into town and see a couple of estate agents and get a valuation. They may do it as a drive-by anyway.

I'm sure he will do his utmost to defame me in every way...why if he doesn't care I don't know

Never mind what you think or have been told in a speculative manner - go and see someone in person asap.

Have you picked up phone yet?