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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 30/01/2010 11:17

okay, yes, it will be easier from a cost/negotiation POV if you have it all sorted before you approach a solicitor, but they can give you all the advice you need regarding your rights etc.

if you're worried about the cost, you can get initial advice from CAB for free.

Katisha · 30/01/2010 11:17

Yes he will bleat to his own solicitor about you - of course he will. But the fact is you have been SAHM for years and have rights.

If getting to see solicitor is so difficult due to work you may have to book a day's leave.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 11:19

I hate the way this makes me feel ..splitting up the family for no reason.

I have been offered a new job but the work is pretty intense and I have been relying on H for looking after the house and ds while I try to establish myself.

There is no flexitime it is a lot of work and no alternative.

Would it be better just to keep thepeace for 6 to 12 months while I do my work ~ I've waited so long to do this I can't give it up[I don't see H during the week anyway]

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 11:21

aaarrrrgggghhhhh I can't make a decision

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 11:22

FOR NO REASON????

SOrry Laby - I am getting cross now.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 11:23

But I am only telling you my side I'm sure I am grumpy too

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 11:23

YOu cannot make a full and sorted decision until you SEE A SOLICITOR and find out what is due to you.

That is why there are solicitos - you are not supposed to sort this all out yourself.

Make an appointment. First step.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 30/01/2010 11:33

Yes you need to see a solicitor because at the moment he keeps saying a load of shite that you are half-believing, like he is not moving out (he will move out) and that he can get sole custody (he can't). You have been working for like 3 months or something after being a SAHM for, what, 15 years. He hasn't got a chance. Even if you had worked the whole time he still wouldn't have a chance.

If you get legal advice then at least you know where you stand, and when he's being a twat and coming out with shite you can say 'That's not what my solicitor says'.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 12:06

1/speak to a solicitor online[will he be able to see exchange?]

2/Talk together and plan to separate later in the year when house sold.

3/If can't be amicable and want to part now he will move out if solicitor says there are grounds to make him[not sure I can do this ].I find this impossible to imagine at present.
4/If and when separate share care of ds .

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 12:11

Can't you speak to a solicitor on the phone at least?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 12:31

I have looked at a website"advice now" which gives legal details and apparently you have to be separated for 2 years with consent or 5 yrs without consent or go for unreasonable behaviour.Best thing is 2 yrs with consent I think.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 12:36

Frankly I'd go for unreasonable behaviour.
Which acc to your website includes "insults".
And "coldness".
WOuld get it oover quicker.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 12:45

If I go for separation 2yrs it means I can't stay here as he is unwilling to move unless forced so that would be at divorce in say 2.5 yrs.
If I go for unreasonable behaviour I think he has to accept it and I would be the petitioner but it would be thru in say 6 mos so could then sell up/him move out becos what I should avoid is me moving out and leaving him here...hence the prolongation...if we had been in rented acc etc I would have been gone long ago with no untoward effects.

If he wanted to leave me it would be over but I don't think that is the case,I am guessing because of the house and his childhood conditioning that divorce is wrong and not being the one to be doing the leaving...he would rather leave that to me and stay here with the house obviously..

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 12:50

I think what he is saying to me is he is not going to leave and not going to agree to sell so I only have two options

1/leave the house with the children now and start the 2 yrs separation now

2/go for unreasonable behav and force the sale of the house with the divorce.

1 is the least traumatic but could mean I lose a lot of money as the house sale could be put off/difficult to negotiate once out

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 12:56

the temptation to leave is very great

you still own the house then right[lawyers question]

there are online lawyers but h is now back.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 13:06

I still don't understand why you are refusing to speak to a solicitor in person. Book a day of leave and do it. Or book a phone call in a lunch break.
Or a Sat morning appointment.
Then you can go through all this with them, rather than trying to work it all out yourself online.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 13:42

ok kat I know~ absoutely
am trying to find out info so I don't have to go thru several scenarios with them thats all.

I think I have a plan.We have a small slightly delapidated flat close to the house where I could move if I do it up and it would be less traumatic for the dcs.
It is only 3 small beds and one main room but could make do and it would be cheaper to run. It could be at least a period of trial separation of 6 to 12 mos which would then count towards the two yrs.I would make the deeds my ownership alone and pay bills only for there and take at least half of the house stuff and half the dcs stuff.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 30/01/2010 13:55

or 3) leave now leave now leave now leave now.

worry about the legalities once you've gone.

nickelbabe · 30/01/2010 13:56

ps: your plan in your last post is good: get a flat and leave now

pithyslicker · 30/01/2010 14:03

The advice I was given was don't leave until all the finances are sorted.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 14:12

The trouble with that is I want to leave and even going for unreasonable behav is min 6 mos.

The house we live in is expensive and I have to be careful I don't give up my half until I'm paid half.

OP posts:
chippychippybangbang · 30/01/2010 15:28

laby, you can't do the solicitor thing online very easily. Believe me, I'm going through it. Book an appointment, can be in a different town if you're worried about being spotted, and then go and get some proper advice.

Doesn't need to take 6 months, it depends how quickly you can agree. Mediation could help unless he's likely to be very unreasonable. You can file on unreasonable behaviour but keep the reasons (you need to state 5) very mild, if he contests it he'll end up paying the divorce costs so many solicitors advise just to accept it.

If you've reached the decision, far better just to get on with it now. There's never going to be a good time.

girlywhirly · 30/01/2010 17:02

There must be some form of mediation meeting where you and your spouse are both present and agree how to divide assets and 'goods and chattels', much better to do this with someone present to prevent it degenerating into a battle (and harder for him to bully with a third party there.) I think courts would rather disagreeing parties did this than waste precious court time.

Don't forget that solicitors do discuss the cases between themselves in an attempt to reach acceptable outcomes for each client, and strong recommendations will be made to your husband if he kicks off, if his solicitor feels that his share of the settlement is fair. You could point out to him that the only people he will hurt are the ones he claims to love, and dragging the whole thing through the courts will cost both of you lots of money, which would be better spent on the dc. I think he will be advised that if a judge has to decide who gets what in assets, he may not get what he was hoping for and be even more out of pocket. And if there is a residency order for children under 16, he will have to comply and not when he feels like it. It is always better for the parties concerned to resolve these issues out of court as there is greater flexibility. Is the flat you could move to owned by you/H?

I'd be worried about leaving the dc with him, if you are not there to take out his frustration on, he'll do it to them. Get the finances sorted first even if you can't bear him any longer.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 18:44

The flat is jointly owned ~ I thought instead of selling it as we were going to,I could become sole owner and live in it but I would still be owed a lot from the main property.Or we could sell it and me take the capital but the flat is worth a lot less than the house.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 18:48

I dont think you should be arsing about moving into flats. This will only complicate things financially and prolong the agony.
I think you should petition for a divorce on grounds on unreasonable behaviour and get it all sorted as quickly as is feasible.