Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 19:29

But I want to leave now asap and I thought this would be the cheapest option.
But I take your point.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 19:34

But earlier you were talking about hanging on for a year. I think, understandably, you are swinging between extremes.
Personally I think the unreasonable ebhaviour option gives you and DCs greater financial and domestic stability in that you are likely to stay in the house and H will have to move out.
Then you can sort the house out later when the DCs are of age.
You have stuck it this long - I reckon you can hang on for a few more months while the divorce gets underway.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 19:41

Did I maybe say I would wait 6 to 12 mos in the flat as part of the two yrs for grounds for divorce?I was trying to avoid petitioning for unreasonable behaviour as I thought it might be time consuming and traumatic and leaving now seemed an attractive option and by being in the flat I would still be able to get stuff and it not seem I was leaving them behind in the family home.

It would be easier for childcare if I was next door but awkward in that I would be close by.

Yes but now I have made it clear I want a divorce he is not speaking to me and is getting quite stressed.

OP posts:
Katisha · 30/01/2010 20:36

Sorry are you saying you would move out and leave teh DCs with H?
I don't think that's great idea, and could count against you in the settlement surely?
In terms of who gets care of DCs?
Please please please stop doing guesswork and get along to that solicitor.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 30/01/2010 21:03

No not leaving the dcs

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 01/02/2010 11:41

If the older DC are 16 or older, they can choose with whom they live, courts can't make residency orders for them. Would they actually want to live with H without you there to take the flak?

I'm with Katisha, I appreciate how desperate you are to get away from him, but you must have the solicitor advise what you are entitled to before you make any decisions. If only so that you can ignore any crap that H spouts about not letting you have the house or any of the contents, or not paying maintenance for DC as they will be living with him etc. And a solicitor will advise what constitutes unreasonable behaviour for a divorce petition, so that you can apply this information to your particular case. Make sure you tell of any times when H has been aggressive and frightened you and the DC. We know he has, from your posts on this thread. It could be important if you need to force him to leave.

Katisha · 01/02/2010 14:29

Have you rung yet?

Katisha · 02/02/2010 19:14

Nag

Katisha · 03/02/2010 19:38

Encouraging smile...

Probably quite scary...>

mumonthenet · 05/02/2010 11:40

joining katisha for the daily nag.

Have you made an appointment with a solicitor yet?

Don't screw up your head with what, and if and how.

Just get some facts from a solicitor first.

Hope you're ok.

Katisha · 05/02/2010 12:46
Katisha · 06/02/2010 17:54

Saturday's nag.

mumonthenet · 06/02/2010 18:25

hi laby

we are not going to give up until you have had an initial consultation face to face with a solicitor and you know what your rights are.

hoping you're ok.

dittany · 06/02/2010 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Katisha · 06/02/2010 20:11

Thing is Dittany I think Laby is finding it hard enough to get round to seeing one solicitor let alone interviewing a handful.

mumonthenet · 07/02/2010 20:42

hi laby, hope you're ok.

NAG.

mumonthenet · 10/02/2010 22:16

laby, how are you doing?

moonsquirter · 11/02/2010 11:42

Clearly Laby is still too scared to make a definite decision on divorce (not a criticism - been there and understand) so seeing a solicitor will seem like a massive step.

But Laby, a chat with a solicitor doesn't commit you to anything. You don't need to tell your husband, you don't have to make any decisions afterwards, you don't have to move out or disrupt your children's lives. It's just finding out information. Empowering you. There is no rush to make a decision but you will feel better if you at least have more facts about how life could be after divorce.

It took me a year to get my divorce, mainly because I was dithering about each step and the whole process was agonising - like you, I was so worried about the effect on my DC. Of course you need to be sure that what you are doing is right. But once you have made that decision, don't let fear of the unknown hold you back. As another poster said, make lists of each tiny step forward you'll need to take. But if you don't get started, it never ends.

Please do let us know how you get on.

Catitainahatita · 12/02/2010 02:59

Laby, I lost this thread, but have been thinking about you.

I hope you are OK and your silence is due to too much activity and seeing solicters!

Please let us know how you are getting on (even if you haven't done much... or taken the plunge to see a solictor... we'll just keep encouraging /nagging you until you get up the confidence to do it.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 13/02/2010 19:41

hi have not seen solicitor have worked 18 days straight but told him i want divorce and now we are not doing anything together.

so sat in here on my own all dcs busy at friends...asked him if we should go out for a meal on our own,he didn't reply and now it's too late so simply waiting until i can go to bed as it is too late to go out with my friend

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/02/2010 15:58

Laby, have you ever sat the DC down and explained to them what you are doing and why? Along the lines of "I loved him once but his behaviour has ground it out of me, I thought I could grit my teeth and put up with it for the sake of giving you all a stable home but it's just too much and i think we will all be happier if we didn't live in this atmosphere."?

Since he's going around SHOUTING to them that it's all your fault, I think they deserve a more lucid explanation.

And I'll join the others in the daily nag, having lurked here a long time. Please see a solicitor, it may seem daunting right now but will that will evaporate as soon as you get in there.

Catitainahatita · 16/02/2010 15:00

Well done for being clear with your H. Don't let him grind you down with his misery guts routine. He probably won't believe you are serious until it is all in motion anyway and is just continuing his usual behaviour aimed at controlling you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

And yes, I also think you would be wise to talk to your dc about this. They can imagine all kinds of things if not told. If they know your h as you do (and I think it is very likely especially your teenagers) they won't beleive what he says anyway, but still. Don't keep them in the dark, it is only worry for them.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 16:52

ok please could i have a moment to explain what is happening now.

He has been helping out as i have been working long hours.
Also,since i was definite about the divorce,although he won't discuss it,he is trying to keep me here and not split,for eg,he has been making more effort to do things with me,while i no longer want to.

Now he is starting to say things like i am disengaged from the family,not making enough effort in the house and he is doing everything...wtf

He says I am moody and he is having to put up with a lot!!

He is turning it around and now making himself into the victim...he said yesterday i never understood his moods when he was stressed with work but now,eventually maybe i understand! In other words,I have not been
tolerant enough of him and if I instigate thesplit it will be me,choosing to split up the family...and he won't hesitate to tell everyone so.

I actually think two things

1/he doesn't want a divorce and
2/he is in the process now of preparing himself for the possibility of me divorcing him by doing more for the family than any other time we have been married,simply so he can say to work colleagues and friends..."Oh she left because she drifted away from the family when she went back to work and there was nothing I could do so his family etc won't disapprove of him[because they know I am nice]

He has been so much nicer I almost want to try again with it but at the same time all the things from the past mean I can't look at him and everything he says I instantly think"What a pillock!".

Not sure if I could get over that or not.. if we were closer and for example started sleeping together again.

OP posts:
claw3 · 16/02/2010 16:58

You have 2 choices

  1. Wipe the slate totally clean, no back tracking and BOTH try really hard to make it work.
  1. Divorce.
Original poster
labyrinthine · 16/02/2010 17:10

thanks for clarifying

it's divorce then

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread