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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset my sister has planned her wedding just a month before mine?

178 replies

BorgLady · 27/07/2009 12:50

My sister called me yesterday to say her boyfriend had proposed. I was really pleased for her and I genuinely am, but I later learned that she wants to get married next summer, just a month before my wedding (which has been booked for a couple of months).

I don't begrudge her her wedding, but she and her boyfriend both earn well and have no children, so she will be able to afford a much bigger affair than mine and have it in a much nicer place with all the family I have decided I can't afford.

I can't help but feel a bit deflated about my plans now, particularly as she wants to wear my mum's wedding dress, which I was also planning to wear.

She is a different size to me, so I am not sure there will be time to alter it between weddings, and now everyone will have seen the dress (including my boyfriend who is not supposed to see it before the big day) just a few weeks before I wear it.

I know material things aren't supposed to matter, and that it's the marriage that's important and not the wedding, but I can't help feeling I've had my thunder stolen.

Am I just being a bitch, or would anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
MamaG · 27/07/2009 12:53

I'd say you were being a bit precious, apart from teh bit about your Mum's wedding dress: can understand you wouldn't want your DP to see it before your wedding, just a month later

Don't suppose you fancy a double wedding and tossing a coin for the dress?!

fluffyanimal · 27/07/2009 12:53

I'd be annoyed about the wedding dress but not the date. Can you talk to her, perhaps with your mum present, about the dress issue? Did she know you wanted to wear it? of course, she might have always been wanting to wear it too and feeling that she wouldn't be able to when she got married because you were going to do it first. a bit of family diplomacy needed if you ask me, and mum might need to adjudicate.

Nancy66 · 27/07/2009 12:56

I do understand - i'd be (secretly) hacked off too, especially with regard to the wedding dress. Did you let it be known that you wanted to wear your mum's dress? If so then I think she should agree to let you wear it as you got in first.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it - but it could well be that once she starts ringing around she'll find everything is booked up, especially the grander venues, so it could well be that you go first after all.

QueenNeurosis · 27/07/2009 12:57

It is unreasonable but I totally 'get it' A cousin announced their engagement the day after ours. Grinned and bore it but was irrationally was really narked about it.

MrsTittleMouse · 27/07/2009 12:58

I wouldn't worry about the month before thing - your weddings will both be special to you in your own ways. More money spent doesn't mean better and you can personalise your wedding. I was shocked at our wedding how much more important the wedding vows were than any of the stuff that cost money. I shouldn't have been really, I mean, that's what it's all really about isn't it? But I agonised over all the other details to realise that they were very much secondary, even though they were enjoyable on the day.

The wedding dress thing may be an issue if you need to alter it though. If you asked first then surely you get first dibs? Had you mentioned it to your Mum?

BadgersArse · 27/07/2009 12:58

MNt brother got married a month before me
was no prob at all

crokky · 27/07/2009 12:59

I don't think you are being a bitch.

But, I just wouldn't get hung up on it - weddings are totally overrated and you are quite right when you say the marriage is the important bit. If I was in your position, I'd cancel all your stuff for next summer and get married in a few weeks time. I'd go to the reg office with a few close family and friends and then go to a restaurant. Wear your mum's dress as well.

randomtask · 27/07/2009 12:59

I'd agree that the wedding dress could be an issue, it depends on if she knew you wanted to wear it.

As for her having more money, my wedding was not quiet (300 at the church, 200 for cake and drinks, 50 for a meal in the evening) but it was pretty low key. We had to do the church and cake bit (DH and I met at church, I've gone there all my life) so we did it with a relaxed feel, then had a meal in the evening. Photos were quick (and cheap), friends did the flowers etc. Everybody said how much nicer it was than others they'd been to at big houses with magicians, etc. So, I think it's the 'feel' of the wedding that matters, not the expense.

Try talking to your sister. She may not even realise (IME, people 'with' money and no children, often don't think that others feel they don't live up to it).

Good luck.

Tamarto · 27/07/2009 12:59

If she knew when you were planning yours and that you wanted to wear the dress then YANBU.

Anyone who says otherwise would you really arrange your wedding for the month before your sisters knowing the date she had planned?

BadgersArse · 27/07/2009 13:00

no one will compare
it will be two totally diffo events
you dont say " oh i can only go to one wedding all summer" as a guest do you?
get over it

Nyx · 27/07/2009 13:00

I don't think yabu - I would feel the same way, probably. It wouldn't be so galling for you except that as you say, hers will be a bigger, fancier affair and she will be able to invite more family. I don't see what you can do about it though. Perhaps have a chat with her and let her know a bit how you feel - are you close enough for that? Maybe both of you could work out some sort of compromise. It's a shame.

Seuss · 27/07/2009 13:00

I'd be a bit miffed about all of it so don't think YABU. I don't think it would be fair for either of you to wear the dress now, except maybe if you tossed a coin for it? Why has she picked a date so close to yours?

LyraSilvertongue · 27/07/2009 13:01

I can understand how you feel. You don't want people at your wedding making unfavourable comparisons with her wedding. Can you speak to her about it? Maybe get her to have hers after yours? Or would that cause a row?

Ewe · 27/07/2009 13:01

It's probably not reasonable but I would be really pissed off too. Especially about the dress, I would probably try and bring my wedding forward to be honest but say the venue had to change the date or something.

This probably isn't good advice, just being honest though!

suwoo · 27/07/2009 13:03

I would be seriously (and probably secretly) pissed off. In fact I'd be fuming. I am quite shallow though .

The dress issue would upset me too as I don't see how, logistically that will work.

fluffyanimal · 27/07/2009 13:03

has she already got a venue booked? it may be that she found the venue she liked best and they had a cancellation so they grabbed it rather than wait several more months. or maybe they have a sentimental reason for wanting that date. I can see both sides on the date issue, but I don't think OP is BU on the dress issue.

Original poster
BorgLady · 27/07/2009 13:04

Yeah, she did know about the dress, she knows all my plans as she is my bridesmaid too. She has asked me to be her bridesmaid, so I feel a bit like we'll just be swapping places!

I think you have hit the nail on the head, Tamarto. I wouldn't have planned mine a month before hers if it had been the other way around. I think that's why I feel a bit peeved.

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 27/07/2009 13:06

I don't think it'd bother me. But I can't understand why people get so hung up about all things wedding related.

london0hull4 · 27/07/2009 13:06

BorgLady - I have to say I would be livid if my sister did that to me. What is she thinking? If your wedding is already booked, there's no way she she should be getting hers in first, especially if a large portion of the guest lists overlap.

If one of my sisters had a wedding booked, I honestly can't imagine getting married the same year, even if it meant an extra long engagement.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it, but I thought I'd let you know that in my opinion YANBU.

randomtask · 27/07/2009 13:07

If she knew about the dress, then she either hasn't thought through the practicality or, she should offer to get it fitted to you after.

And of course you wouldn't arrange your wedding before your sisters. It's blatent stealing your thunder. YANB if she's been like that before. If she hasn't, I stand by my not thinking comment.

belgo · 27/07/2009 13:08

Your thunder hasn't been stolen, you will have a wonderful wedding day. If I were you, I wouldn't do something totally different to your sister to avoid direct comparisons- what about getting married abroad?

You need to talk to her about the dress. If she really wants to wear it, then I think you should bow down gracefully and then concentrate on finding your own dream wedding dress. Weddings are about family celebration, please don't fall out with your sister over this.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 27/07/2009 13:08

I would be pissed off about the dress. What does your mother say about it?

smallone · 27/07/2009 13:15

I understand why you're peeved. I had a friend do this to me, but in the end, it made no difference, we had completely different weddings and I enjoyed mine more, as will you. May well be bitchy but I'd think of her wedding as a dress rehersal for yours!

I would put my foot down about the dress tho, you asked first. If needs be, just say "oh what a shame you won't be able to have mums dress too, with the wedding being before mine" She might then decide to postpone till later. Also I agree she may not get the dates she wants so it may sort itself out in the end.

Ewe · 27/07/2009 13:15

I don't think you should bow down gracefully about the dress to be honest, you asked for it and 'booked' it first, it is completely unfair for her to prevent you from wearing it because she has now got engaged and booked her wedding before yours. I would be so hurt if this was my sister!

Agree about trying to make them different though, if hers is really formal, make yours really relaxed and fun etc.

Devongirl · 27/07/2009 13:15

I'd be pissed off about all of it, great for her but it isn't fair to do this. Wind her up and tell her you've moved your date to a week before hers and see how she reacts, she might understand how you feel then. But maybe I'm being too petty, I don't have a sister so I don't know if that'd make it worse!

Personally I much prefer smaller weddings anyway, just make sure your's has lots of personal touches and keep it true to what you want it to be, don't get sucked into competing xxx