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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset my sister has planned her wedding just a month before mine?

178 replies

BorgLady · 27/07/2009 12:50

My sister called me yesterday to say her boyfriend had proposed. I was really pleased for her and I genuinely am, but I later learned that she wants to get married next summer, just a month before my wedding (which has been booked for a couple of months).

I don't begrudge her her wedding, but she and her boyfriend both earn well and have no children, so she will be able to afford a much bigger affair than mine and have it in a much nicer place with all the family I have decided I can't afford.

I can't help but feel a bit deflated about my plans now, particularly as she wants to wear my mum's wedding dress, which I was also planning to wear.

She is a different size to me, so I am not sure there will be time to alter it between weddings, and now everyone will have seen the dress (including my boyfriend who is not supposed to see it before the big day) just a few weeks before I wear it.

I know material things aren't supposed to matter, and that it's the marriage that's important and not the wedding, but I can't help feeling I've had my thunder stolen.

Am I just being a bitch, or would anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
jemart · 27/07/2009 16:31

yanbu - I would totally feel the same, very thoughtless and hurtful of her.
I would like to think my sister would never do something like this to me (too late anyhow, I'm married already)

branflake81 · 27/07/2009 16:31

Bloody hell - some of you lot sound like right Bridezillas!

I think YABU. So what if your weddings are close together? It's not going to make a blind bit of difference to how your day pans out or how anyone feels about attending.

The dress thing is another issue. I don't see a problem with you both wearing it (I think it's kind of nice) but if there will be issues re altering it in time for your wedding and you "bagged" it first, then you should have it.

LuvLee · 27/07/2009 16:34

I think you have every right to be angry and annyoyed. I think you sister has behaviour very inconsiderately, and you should say so!

TigerFeet · 27/07/2009 16:37

I would stand firm on the dress - I think she's manipulating you into backing down so she can have her own way. The rest of it doesn't really matter imo.

mazzystartled · 27/07/2009 16:42

Actually maybe you could do domething clever with the dress

So its the same, but different - change the necklines/sleeves/veils or whatever. That could be really lovely. I have never understoond why wedding dress companies reckon it takes so long. If you and sis find a proper dressmaker person and plan it in now I am sure they will be able to do it.

Dress then returned to your mum for keeping until the grandchildren want to wear it.

moondog · 27/07/2009 16:48

God, you are all barking with your conspiracy theries about upstaging and sniping about whose wedding was best.

All weddings are exactly the bloody same.That's the whole point.It's acultural ritual.

Jesus

belgo · 27/07/2009 16:59

finally some sense from moondog

Countingthegreyhairs · 27/07/2009 16:59

Sorry - only come to this thread late - but I would be furious if my sister had arranged her wedding a month before mine and I'm honestly not someone who is particularly hung up on weddings or material issues.

Above all, I can't believe that she would present this to you as a fait accompli. After all, it involves all of your family and their time/money commitments too, never mind the dress ... It's incomprehensible to me!!

Longtalljosie · 27/07/2009 17:05

I'd be really upset about the whole thing. But the dress is the worst part of it... it wouldn't be able to be altered twice within a month anyway.

Tell your mum you're going to have to have it - either that or follow Nancy's advice.

pinkthechaffinch · 27/07/2009 17:11

no YANbu, you were engaged first and presumably she knew all about your plans. She should wait until after your weddinsounds like she is trying to steal your thunder!

belgo · 27/07/2009 17:14

Just elope and be done with it. Why can't family each be happy for each other at their weddings?

SkaterGrrrrl · 27/07/2009 17:18

I'd be pissed off if my sisters did this.

We got engaged 3 months after DH's brother got engaged, and we waited ages to get married so as not to steal their thunder.

We set a date for 6 months after their wedding day which meant we had an 18 month long engagment and got married in winter not summer.

YANBU.

bellavita · 27/07/2009 17:20

Many many moons ago (have been married 22 years now).. DH and I planned our wedding and set a date. A few months down the line his sister did exactly the same thing as your sister and set a date for hers one month before ours. I was not happy.

His mum wore the same outfit to both do's and she never asked my mum what she would be wearing, even though my mum bought hers before MIL and then MIL goes and chooses the exact same colours/style.

YANBU!

belgo · 27/07/2009 17:23

bellavita.....I'm (almost)lost for words..your mil sounds very sensible to wear the same outfit on both occasions....and what on earth is all that about your mil not asking your mother what she was wearing?! And you've carried this around for 22 years?

daisydora · 27/07/2009 17:25

I totally get you being upset about the dress. If you had made it knowledge to her that you were going to wear it then she's just being mean.

As for the date, costs etc. YABU.

My best friend (admitedly not my sis) got married 6 weeks after me. It was great we didn't have to fork out for two hen do's we had a joint one. MY BF is an only child, her wedding was no expense spared/Stately Home/designer dress extravaganza! Mine was much more modest. We both had equally fantastic days being brides and then bridesmaid for each other, and I can honestly say I never thought once that her more lavish affair would upstage my day.

daisydora · 27/07/2009 17:31

OMG Bellavita!

My MIL ended up at BIL's wedding wearing the exact same outfit as the other mother. She was mortified and it ruined the whole day she said. So when DH and I got married MIL insisted on knowing what 'colour' my mum was wearing so they wouldn't clash. So I told her, MIL then went out and boughtthe same colour outfit as my mum, and then said that I had never told her what my mum was wearing

Bloody Politics of Weddings never ceases to amaze me!

bellavita · 27/07/2009 17:37

at belgo being nearly lost for words - yep, carried this around for soooo long. Needless to say I have never ever (even before the wedding) had a good relationship with my MIL!

I always thought it was the brides mother's perogative (sp) to have first divvy at colours/outfit.

belgo · 27/07/2009 17:40

I don't even remember what my parents and PILs were wearing for my wedding, I'd have to look at a photo.

moondog · 27/07/2009 17:48

Thank Christ I had a 60 quid quicky in a registry office.

mumoverseas · 27/07/2009 18:02

YANBU about the dress, that is really unfair if she thinks she should get it as she has 'sneaked in ahead of you'. Hopefully your mum will be fair about it although it must put her in a very difficult position.

I didn't have that issue about my lovely late mum wearing the same as my MIL for mine and DH's wedding. His mother didn't bother coming to the wedding as it was 'too far to travel' (about an hour and a half and we'd sorted out transport for her and FIL) My mother had come out of hospital the day before the wedding and she would have crawled over broken glass to get there but still managed an hour in a taxi.

Hope you sort it all out as amicably as possible OP

QOD · 27/07/2009 18:05

happened to me..... I was going to get married 5th november in a registry office, so hadnt booked it, she announced in I dunno, about May or something that she was getting married 15th Sept. Church & formal and all that but........
ALL my family lived in different countries, no way could they all close their businesses, oil analysis, guest house & holiday bookings company, and fly over twice in 6 weeks.
In the end we married on the same day - what pissed me off most was that people thought i was pissed off cos she would be married before me, but I KNEW family couldnt do it twice in 6 weeks

DollyPS · 27/07/2009 18:08

I would be pissed off if it was me.

She has done this to upsurg you and sisters can be very jealous of the other regardless at what age.

You will have to have a talk with her and stand up to her as she cant get all her own way.

Sorry you'll find that family and friends will have to decide which one to attend as we are having a reccession you know and not everyone can afford to dos so close together.

As for the dress tell her to bog off your date was set before hers.

god families really do my nut in at times. My own MIL and FIL didnt attend mine as I wasnt good enough for their son their loss not mine and we dont talk at all. the stress has gone since they decided that years ago

Bellsa · 27/07/2009 18:18

YABU-Just be happy for your sister. The dress could be an issue, but I am sure if you sit down with her and your mother you can sort something out.

Summer is wedding season...so what was she meant to do, wait 2 years from now to get hitched? What would you deem to be a suitable amount of time for her to have waited after your wedding?

VeryAngryGusset · 27/07/2009 18:20

I'd be really annoyed. Is it something you can talk to her about? She might not have thought about proximity to your wedding and probably wouldn't want to upset you over it.

ipiratethief · 27/07/2009 18:25

I'd be annoyed too. I think that is becuase I woudln't do that to my own sister, if she'd already started and booked her own wedding.

As for the dress, she's being totally unreasonable.

Let her have the bloody thing, if you can afford another.

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