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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset my sister has planned her wedding just a month before mine?

178 replies

BorgLady · 27/07/2009 12:50

My sister called me yesterday to say her boyfriend had proposed. I was really pleased for her and I genuinely am, but I later learned that she wants to get married next summer, just a month before my wedding (which has been booked for a couple of months).

I don't begrudge her her wedding, but she and her boyfriend both earn well and have no children, so she will be able to afford a much bigger affair than mine and have it in a much nicer place with all the family I have decided I can't afford.

I can't help but feel a bit deflated about my plans now, particularly as she wants to wear my mum's wedding dress, which I was also planning to wear.

She is a different size to me, so I am not sure there will be time to alter it between weddings, and now everyone will have seen the dress (including my boyfriend who is not supposed to see it before the big day) just a few weeks before I wear it.

I know material things aren't supposed to matter, and that it's the marriage that's important and not the wedding, but I can't help feeling I've had my thunder stolen.

Am I just being a bitch, or would anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
Devongirl · 27/07/2009 13:16

sorry, yours not your's!

notsoteenagemum · 27/07/2009 13:20

I would definately speak to her and your Mum about the dress.
I wouldn't worry about the actual wedding though, as you will both be having a completely different day.

Servalan · 27/07/2009 13:20

I don't think YABU at all. It seems quite peculiar behaviour on your sister's part I think - especially with the dress. Is she usually a bit competitive with you?

Having said that, though her actions are extraordinarily crass and insensitive (imo anyway!!) it will not make your day any less special. As others have said, the best weddings in my experience have never been the ones with the most money thrown at them - they have been the ones that are the most personal.

smallone · 27/07/2009 13:21

Or maybe agree that neither of you have the dress, or that you alter it in some way so that two new dresses are made from it?

GeorgeTheSlitheen · 27/07/2009 13:21

I'd be pissed off too !

We booked our wedding later next year than we'd have ideally have liked so as not to tread on some already booked friends toes.

it's just manners isnt it ?

strongblackcoffee · 27/07/2009 13:25

YANBU I would be so angry if my sister did that to me. I would NEVER do that, I think it's completely unfair to you, even without the dress.

I do agree though, that it's definitely not worth falling out over. It's also possible that she hasn't even considered how upsetting it is for you, so it's definitely worth talking to her about.

Even if she does go ahead and do it that month, I wouldn't worry too much. Your day will still be totally special, and her wedding will become irrelevant.

Original poster
BorgLady · 27/07/2009 13:27

I'm not going to fall out with my sister about it, I assure you that I am feeling all of these things very secretly!

I can't afford to get married abroad, and I will lose my deposit if I change my venue, so those things are out of the question. I also have budgeted around not needing to buy a dress, so even less people will be able to come if I have to buy another one!

I am quite far down the road with my ideas and preparations that there isn't a lot I can change without losing money now. Besides that, I don't want to change things. I think that would make me feel resentful that she's had the wedding she wants while I've compromised.

I'm already not having a photographer, a DJ, a wedding cake or having my hair done so I really don't know how much more I can cut out.

DP's family live quite far away so we're getting married in a hotel so they can come and stay. A quick registry office thing would be a bit impractical from their point of view, and at the risk of sounding like Bridezilla, it's not what I want.

My mum is a bit perturbed by the whole thing, she told my sister she didn't think it was fair about the dress and said she will try to talk to her alone about it when her boyfriend wasn't around.

My sister is a lovely person and I love her very much, but she is ruthless if you get on the wrong side of her. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a bit scared of upsetting her, as she is perfectly capable of never speaking to me again!

She runs a successful business and I think she is used to having things when she wants them, so it probably didn't occur to her that she might upset my plans.

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 27/07/2009 13:29

Your mum needs to be firm and say that you are wearing the dress as it is only fair.

Plus your sister can afford to buy her own fancy, designer one and you can't.

If your sister insists she must wear the dress then she has to pay for yours.

TheProfiteroleThief · 27/07/2009 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BorgLady · 27/07/2009 13:32

Oooh, Nancy66 that's not a bad idea

My sister would like to wear the dress for sentimental reasons, but although I love it and would probably choose one in that style, if I had money to burn I'd buy my own.

Perhaps I'll suggest that she buys ME a dress ...

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 27/07/2009 13:32

I think Nancy is right.

Original poster
BorgLady · 27/07/2009 13:34

My mum only got married five years ago and had her dress properly stored, so I imagine it's in pretty good nick.

I haven't tried it on yet but my mum is the same size as me and she asked about altering it when she got it and they said they could change it quite a bit for different sizes so fingers crossed!

OP posts:
TheProfiteroleThief · 27/07/2009 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smallone · 27/07/2009 13:39

Sounds like a plan! Or a sneaky wedding dress trying on trip, which might lead to her falling in love with one of her own! This happened to me, a friend was supposed to me making one for me, and we went to try some on just to see what suited me and I ended up trying one on that was sooo perfect I had to buy it, big budget reshuffle, no honeymoon etc....twas worth it tho!

Chunkamatic · 27/07/2009 13:49

Borglady I think you should just be straight with your sister, especially about the dress. Ask her to see it from your point of view and whilst I'm sure she hasnt done anything to purposely upset you her actions are a little bit insensitive.

Do you think that because you are planning a smaller event than hers she thinks you are not that bothered about it? It does seem like she's gone charging in with her ideas with little regard to how they affect you.

You sound as though you are quite close, and it certainly seems like you respect her, so you should be able to talk to her about it reasonably. And don't forget that sisters are allowed to get annoyed with each other and fall out over petty things even when they're grown ups! You just have to make sure you always make friends afterwards!

ButterflEi · 27/07/2009 13:51

i would be very (publicly ) peed off if this was me!! (sorry)

im sorry but your sister has probably done this because she knows that ultimately she will get her way and you will back down! (thats going by how you speak about her) i would stand up and kick off good style if it were my wedding she was planning to walk all over! how dare she!!

you need to stand up for yourself and make her realise that you are not one to be messed with!!
as you say she has got more money etc therefore she can get married anytime she wants!! why be so rude as to choose a date that you know will most likely ruin your own sisters already booked and planned wedding??!!

is she older or younger than you??
its just that if shes older that may be why she wants to get married bofere you do.

xx ei xx

cornsillk · 27/07/2009 13:56

Your mum must tell her that she can't wear the dress unless she chooses to get married after you. I wouldn't be too bothered about the rest of it but the dress issue is most unfair. Do NOT let her get her hands on it. Is she smaller than you?

Wonderstuff · 27/07/2009 14:01

I would be upset. YANBU. Dress is the worst thing. I would talk to her, tell her you are worried about not having time to alter it, df seeing it before your day and not having budget to buy a new dress now. See what she says.

I would also make sure I got my invites out before her.

troutpout · 27/07/2009 14:06

yanbu to feel a little miffed about the dress

PlumBumMum · 27/07/2009 14:15

I would be very miffed about the whole lot tbh,

but I think Chunkamatic has hit the nail on the head, maybe because you are planning it small and taking it all in your stride she thinks that it won't be a big deal you

I don't see why you should back down about the dress at all

katedan · 27/07/2009 14:17

I think your sister is being really out of order. I would be gutted if I was you. It is not about her having the more expensive wedding as no matter when she did it that sounds like that would be the case. But to book her weding the month before yours and to plan to wear the same dress is out and out bitchy and I am sorry but I beleive she has done it on purpose as she could have got married at any time. It will be difficult for family etc to attend both weddings if they have to travel along way so both your weddings will be effected by her selfish descion. Has she always been competive/jealous of you?

I think you should speak to her and explain so hopefully something can be agreed as I see nothing but problems for the next year otherwise.

What does your mum think?

Tillyscoutsmum · 27/07/2009 14:19

YANBU - I think your sister is really out of order

ilovetiramisu · 27/07/2009 14:23

Hi Borglady, Can you tell your sister that the dressmaker needs to fit the dress on you a month before to have time to do any alterations. If you're having to make compromises on your wedding make sure you have some photography even if its only getting a friend to do them as you'll have them forever and you'll want to have some photos to show the grandchildren in years to come. For our wedding cake we bought 4 tiers of iced fruit cake from Marks & Spencers, hired the cake stand from kitchen caterers and got the florist to do extra flowers to cover each tier. It looked fab, tasted great and cost a lot less than paying for an expensive wedding cake.

PlumBumMum · 27/07/2009 14:29

Borglady, I got married on a budget

Like Ilovetiramisu I got my cake from M&S too and decorated it myself,
the hotel where I got married had a cake stand anyway so you might not need to hire one
also my aunt was taking flower arranging classes at the time so I asked if her class would do my flowers, so it only cost the price of the flowers and a few bottles of M&S bucks fizz & chocolates

PlumBumMum · 27/07/2009 14:31

And also like ilovetiramisu says most dressmakers surely would want at least a month to do your dress anyway