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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset my sister has planned her wedding just a month before mine?

178 replies

BorgLady · 27/07/2009 12:50

My sister called me yesterday to say her boyfriend had proposed. I was really pleased for her and I genuinely am, but I later learned that she wants to get married next summer, just a month before my wedding (which has been booked for a couple of months).

I don't begrudge her her wedding, but she and her boyfriend both earn well and have no children, so she will be able to afford a much bigger affair than mine and have it in a much nicer place with all the family I have decided I can't afford.

I can't help but feel a bit deflated about my plans now, particularly as she wants to wear my mum's wedding dress, which I was also planning to wear.

She is a different size to me, so I am not sure there will be time to alter it between weddings, and now everyone will have seen the dress (including my boyfriend who is not supposed to see it before the big day) just a few weeks before I wear it.

I know material things aren't supposed to matter, and that it's the marriage that's important and not the wedding, but I can't help feeling I've had my thunder stolen.

Am I just being a bitch, or would anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
arolf · 28/07/2009 13:21

hi borglady - just wanted to say, my sisters are like that too - they are 2 and 5 years younger than me, and both HATE that I have done anything before them. the one 2 years younger told me that I was not allowed to get married or have children before her, as it was her turn to be first. My mum agreed with her...

At the time, I was a bit taken aback, but in no hurry to marry or reproduce, so just said 'um, ok' and left it at that. She then split up with her fiance, and had 2 abortions following their 'make up' attempts.

Weirdly, I'm now engaged, and expecting a baby, and she couldn't be more excited for me, which is great - she had some counselling, but not much, and somehow it helped. Other sis is being a pain now, moaning to anyone who will listen about how unfair it is that I have more than her - she is much prettier than me, has a lovely boyfriend, great social life, but they have both just left Uni, so I'm not sure why she's jealous of the fact it's taken me 5 years to get to where I am now after I left Uni! She keeps asking when my DF and I plan our wedding, as she wants to be married first.

Anyway, just wanted to say, you're not alone in having a batty sister, and hopefully you will be able to rise above it, have a lovely wedding, with the right dress, secure in the knowledge that you are an adult! Good luck

norksinmywaistband · 28/07/2009 13:24

I got married 6 weeksafter my sister - her with the fancy country house string quartets and every possible guest.
mine was a regisry office ith close family and friends for a meal at the local hotel.

I had the day i wanted as did she.

The dress issue in my eyes is the only one you have

norksinmywaistband · 28/07/2009 13:27

I would say that whoever is closest to your mums size when she got married should wear it, as too much alteration will alter the shape of the dress.

but reall you sould have as no doubt you had already spoken to your mum about wearing it

dinkystinky · 28/07/2009 14:06

Borglady - YANBU. It sounds like your sister has some big second child insecurities coming to the fore - I hope these insecurities arent the only reason she's rushing down the aisle to beat you. Insecurities can make people do really crazy things, particularly where weddings are concerned - I had a close group of 6 university friends and while most of the others got married fairly soon after university and it was just me (the girl who never really wanted the whole husband and kids thing) and another friend (who was always in relationships - generally with total losers - but just wanted to settle down for good) left who were unmarried. I then met and got engaged to my DH while she went off travelling - and hearing I was getting married so panicked her that she ended up marrying some weirdo australian bus driver she'd only been dating for a couple of months the week before flying back to the UK for my wedding. Wasnt pissed off about her getting married - was quite pissed off about her insisting that her new husband (who I'd made space for at the wedding at the last minute) be in all my wedding photos of old uni mates only for them to get divorced 2 months later...

madeindevon2 · 28/07/2009 14:08

my dh was cagoled into getting married first too. his mate just got engaged to her sister. and his exwife said no way is sister getting married before me. come on propose i need to be married before sis....
crazy, didnt he see the writing on the wall then?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 28/07/2009 14:20

Borglady - the thing that stands out most to me from your post is that your sister has been with her fiancee for only three months. That is an astonishingly short length of time to be considering marriage on.
I agree that you need to stick to your guns re the dress and that your mum needs to back you up, but why do you think your sister is really rushing into marriage with someone she has known for so little time? That would really worry me tbh.

liliputlady · 28/07/2009 14:23

I feel sorry for you, Borglady and hope you can sort out the dress issue. I saved a fortune by hiring my wedding dress and it was beautiful, but that won't help if your heart is set on your Mum's.

In terms of the timing of the wedding, I think it's better that yours is afterwards and you'll have it to look forward to after your sister's is over. Keep any new ideas and arrangements close to your chest so they can't be copied!!

My advice would be - have a whale of a time at your sister's wedding, catching up with all the family that can't come to yours. Your day will be totally different and special to you.

KiwiKat · 28/07/2009 14:23

Good heavens, have you all forgotten that when it comes to weddings, the rules of normal social interaction are completely different?! Just as pregnancy brings hormones that alter a woman's perceptions, weddings do much the same thing, and things can get a little weird for a while.

So you can't say that it's 'just a dress'. To us, yes, but to a bride it's of massive importance.

Walk carefully, people!

PortBlacksandResident · 28/07/2009 14:29

She is clearly jealous of you. You have things she wants despite being successful in business.

When Badger says "no one will compare
it will be two totally diffo events
you dont say " oh i can only go to one wedding all summer" as a guest do you?
get over it "

I don't agree with her, i think some guests won't be able to go to both becasue of money or if they are away on holiday.

StealthPolarBear · 28/07/2009 14:39

yes or even if they don't go there will be feelings of resentment about having to fork out for it all again -gets more like a chore than a pleasure sometimes (not saying it will in your case OP, but it depends on circumstances and how far people are coming). Rightly or wrongly, that irritation will come out for the second wedding.
lilliputlady - don't you think it will be awkward talking to family (who are bound to ask about your wedding) when you haven't been able to invite them?

StealthPolarBear · 28/07/2009 14:39

do go i mean!

TheProfiteroleThief · 28/07/2009 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 28/07/2009 14:52

BorgLady, are you the eldest or youngest? I would've thought that the eldest daughter would wear their mums dress.

I have three cousins that are sisters and they all wore the same dress. No problems there at all...

My first husbands sister got married 10 months before we did and walked up the aisle in the dress I'd chosen. I was livid. It didn't look as good on her I have to say(well that's what I told myself), so I chose a different one which was beautiful.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 28/07/2009 14:56

Sorry, just read that you are 7 years older than her. You should definitely have the dress.

Thingiebob · 28/07/2009 16:02

Given the new info you given about her being younger, annoyed with you doing things first and has only known this guy for three months - I think she has organised for her wedding to be first and wear the dress deliberately I'm afraid. I can't believe she hasn't given up the dress to you.
Maybe you can talk to your mum about this? She can explain to your sister that she has agreed that you will wear the dress.

Or you can tell her you've decided you don't want to wear your mum's old wedding dress and that you're going to buy a pukka brand new dress that no-one has seen before and see how she reacts.

I also agree with some of the other posters - this wedding may not even happen!

gailpud · 28/07/2009 16:33

You are within your rights to feel hurt and let down by your sisters hijacking, but have a private sulk as someone has said (genius!) and then take immediate and invasive action.

Your talk didn?t make her apologise or back down and if this goes any further it might get worse. Try to avoid any more conflict if you can.

So my suggestion is this:

I would step away from the situation.
Do not allow your sister to ruin the run up to your wedding by carving your own path. My ideas include:

1.Get your mum to suggest she rethink the date from the point of view of family having to make two big trips. Otherwise don?t get directly involved.

  1. I double dare you to go and get one of those big "Monica from Friends" wedding scrapbooks fill it with dream wedding ideas. Get the budget version of everything you love. Keep it all top top secret. Do not spend one millisecond thinking about your sisters wedding. It?s the personal touches, the details and the fun that make a wedding. Step up your game with original ideas!
  1. Start researching dress hire, or even look into buying a dress. Choose this dress with your mum and your mum only. Have a very special lunch with your mum on the day you choose your dress or pick up your dress.
This will make the dress very special.

Good luck and take care.
The moving on and looking after yourself strategy is the only thing to do when others appear and try and break your stride!

cjones2979 · 28/07/2009 16:38

YANBU !!!

I would be totally pissed off if I were you.

I think it's disgusting that your sister could do this to !

Is there any way your Mum could maybe have a word with her to let her know that you're upset? This may help her see that she is being unfair. If she has genuinely just got caught up in the moment and not even thought about how this would affect you she will also be upset that she has upset you. On the other hand, if she has done this on purpose it may just cause a rift. It's a hard one, but you shouldn't be the one to suffer.

I think you have every right to feel pissed off about the date AND the dress.

FlorenceandtheWashingMachine · 28/07/2009 18:38

Get the dress from your mum now, BL, and then refuse to let it out of your possession.

hackneybird · 28/07/2009 19:11

Hi Borg

YANBU, I also think you are being incredibly grown up and gracious in handling it, I don't think I would be able to be so tactful.

I hope you get it sorted out without too many tears being shed, getting married is ultimately more important than when and where and how, but it's important to be able to celebrate it with those you love without 'ishoos' clouding everything.

fuzzypeach · 28/07/2009 20:40

YANBU regarding the dress - you announced your marriage first and asked to wear the dress, which she was fully aware of - she just cannot expect to wear the same dress a month before you - especially when it would need altering twice if you are the same size as your mum and you said she was smaller, so it would need taking in for her, then altering again?? If anything happens to the dress on her wedding day, where does that leave you, last minute panic to find another dress. If she wants to wear it she should change her wedding date to at least a couple of months after you..

Not to mention you are 7 years older than her, why does she say you always do things first..thats hardly suprising is it?!!!

maggievirgo · 28/07/2009 20:42

my mum's wedding dress had conical boobs, it was really horrible, very madonna ish, mid 80s. She can't believe she wore it now.

edam · 28/07/2009 20:48

So, she's only been with this guy for three months? This is obviously about her jealousy - I wouldn't assume her wedding will even go ahead, tbh.

And go and get that dress now! She's got a flaming cheek thinking she can demand it a month before your wedding. ESPECIALLY as she expects to have it altered. She knew you were getting married, she can't just steam in and carry off your dress!

woozlet · 28/07/2009 22:03

Yanbu.

You have dibs (!) on the dress and therefore you get to wear it, not her. I'd just tell her she can't wear it cos you are and that's the end of it.

I'd be pissed off about the date but I bet your smaller wedding will be nicer.

oneopinionatedmother · 28/07/2009 22:18

hmm.. depends how close you are to your siste. I wore my sisters dress to my wedding, so my husband had seen it before, but i changed into something informal for the evening anyway...

i SORT OF LIKE THAT we got married in the same dress. Cos we are sisters.

is she pplanning on having the dress altered>?
reminds me of 27 dresses a bit

mumof4bratz · 28/07/2009 23:14

your sister is bloody jealous that you got in first...how dare she steal your thunder and take the dress you were to wear!! I would say sorry you cant have the dress if you insist on getting married the month before mine as i have already booked my wedding before you and it was already arranged that i would wear mums dress so altering the dress needs sorting way before the actual day. In all honesty she could of booked it after yours seeing as you announced your wedding before hers. I think she is way out of order!!!