to be a bit upset my sister has planned her wedding just a month before mine?

[BorgLady]

My sister called me yesterday to say her boyfriend had proposed. I was really pleased for her and I genuinely am, but I later learned that she wants to get married next summer, just a month before my wedding (which has been booked for a couple of months).

I don't begrudge her her wedding, but she and her boyfriend both earn well and have no children, so she will be able to afford a much bigger affair than mine and have it in a much nicer place with all the family I have decided I can't afford.

I can't help but feel a bit deflated about my plans now, particularly as she wants to wear my mum's wedding dress, which I was also planning to wear.

She is a different size to me, so I am not sure there will be time to alter it between weddings, and now everyone will have seen the dress (including my boyfriend who is not supposed to see it before the big day) just a few weeks before I wear it.

I know material things aren't supposed to matter, and that it's the marriage that's important and not the wedding, but I can't help feeling I've had my thunder stolen.

Am I just being a bitch, or would anyone else feel this way?

YANBU. I wouldn't like it at all & would feel exactly as you do, I think it's very unfair of your sister.
It's all very well people saying that it's not how spectacular the wedding is that matters and people won't compare the two, but with only a month apart people are bound to have the first wedding fresh in their minds.
And if you can't afford to invite as many family members as your sister is, then it puts you in an awkward position, having to explain to family why they get to go to her wedding, but not yours.

I think your sister should move her wedding to well after yours. Yes, you could make sure your wedding is completely different to hers, but why should you? You booked yours first and you should have your choice of wedding.

Other than the dress thing I think you are being unreasonable and your wedding is never going to be the big posh affair like hers will be but the wedding is about you standing there with your fiance promising to love each other and be faithful - the rest is just window dressing.

Trust me after spending more money that I can believe now on marrying the first prat and then having a smaller, less flashy wedding the second time around I would save my cash and my nerves and let her have her way.

Tell her the dress cannot be altered in time and you are willing to let her have it if she pays for yours though.

I think it's very understandable why you're upset. I don't think the timing of the weddings will matter all that much though. They are a year away, if you both give your guests plenty of notice they'll have enough time to make financial arrangements to attend both. It's not uncommon to attend more than one wedding over the summer after all.

For what it's worth two of my close girlfriends and I all got married with only 2 or three weeks between the weddings with a lot of mutual guests. We sent out save the dates so guests had plenty of time to prepare. Mine was last, and I did worry that everyone would have 'wedding fatigue' by the time it was my turn. My wedding was also a lot less lavish than my friends. Did it matter? Not a bit! Everyone was just happy to be sharing in each others special day. We all had a joint hen do as well which worked out really well.

The dress thing is weird and out of order. I think you should have first choice whether to wear it. There's no way you can wear it after your sister with such a short gap between the weddings. Suppose it got ripped or stained?

Would be a pity to fall out over a dress though. If you just want to wear it to save money, rather than for sentimental reasons, is there another solution for you? Do you have any other friends or relatives that have a suitable dress? Maybe your sister has something lovely that you can borrow? If you're not having a very formal wedding then you don't necessarily have to wear a bridal dress.

Give yourself a bit of time to stop feeling hurt by your sisters actions, then maybe you'll be able to sit down together and find some solutions to the issues that she's created.

jesus christ!
How much gap do you insist on being left between sibling weddings?
What if one is TTC and the other doesn't,then what happens?
And as for those of you who are suggesting OP gets her invites out first- you're absolutely right of course,if you want to look quite petty and a bit silly about a day which is meant to be a family celebration then go for it.
The dress is five years old,from what I can gather here the mother is still around (so it's not like a 'dying wish') Rather than get your mum to pick (she wont feel right doing it and you shouldn't ask her to do so) you should say to your sister (who you love) 'look,you know we're a bit skint and I was planning to wear mums dress for the wedding and she'd agreed that that was ok-I am sure you didn't know/weren't aware of this but now you are do you want me to come shopping with you for your dress?' if she's not having it then you have your answer and she's done it to be a twat.Even if she has,it's unreasonable of you to get your mum to step in and sort it out or pick.
grow up, it's one dress for one day,I am sure you can get one for barely anything off ebay.

YANBU - you already had your wedding booked and she then booked hers for a month before?? Um sounds like deliberate thunder theft to me. The amount she can spend wouldn't bother me, but booking in to get in before your wedding is not nice (but then I've always had issues with being in my sister's shadow)

Ilovepudding, as diplomatic as you seem to be, I would suggest that asking sister to borrow one her existing dresses is NOT the answer!

If she wants to get married in the summer there's not really much choice about the dates is there (unless she waits another year!), she'll want to be back from her honeymoon to be at your wedding and help with the last minute bits. So this bit YABU.

Re the dress did she know you had planned to wear it? There are lots of ways to alter dresses and if you are both going to wear it then its probably best if you both go to the person who will alter it together and discuss how to make it work.

But honestly your day will be the best day for you and her will be the best day for her, money really isn't the be all and end all for weddings you can just about get whatever you want for your budget.

This could be a really good thing for the two of you to do togther and make both weddings the fantasic days you deserve.

PS I went to the weddings of two cousins a couple of years ago, no not to each other but brother who had theirs 5 weeks apart. There was none of this comparing stuff and last this and this time that.....is this more about your relationship with your sister ?

OK I am a bitch so this is what I would do...

Move your wedding to two weeks before hers
Send invites now
Take dress to your house and have it altered to fit you and refuse to hand it over.

i don't think you're being unreasonable, it's understandable that you feel like you do. I can empathise. My sister has two daughters (3 and 6) and had made everyone in the family know that she never wanted to be pregnant again. I on the other hand thought I couldn't have kids. So have lived with her being the star daughter as she's had the granchildren.

Last year I unexpectedy fell pregnant, she was the first person i told when i was five weeks pregnant. When i told her she said how broody it made her, how she'd allways wanted a third. Skip to the present, My son was born in may, and hers was born five and a half weeks later. I totally felt my thunder had been stolen when she announced her pregnancy 6 weeks after mine and proceeded to have the most dramatic and vocal pregnancy. But hey, now both babies are here I couldn't care less. tis nice for them to be so close in age and i have no interest in resentment and sadness.

I'd try and let it not bother you and concentrate on enjoying your own day and being kind and enjoying hers too. otherwise you'll suffer and your wedding will suffer by associating bad feelings with it. try and be as magnaminous as you can for your own sake. maybe even use the experience to get closer to her by sharing the feelings of being brides to be!

kimi,i don't think you are a bitch,i think you are a bit weird though,it's a dress-they are family/sisters-it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and isn't really a big deal is it? you need some perspective.Wedding competition is ridiculous. Actually,weddings are ridiculous! It's the marriage that counts...

yanbu!!!! My sil decided to get married 6 weeks after us, and it was a nightmare! There was the cost issue for our guest's (it cost a lot to go to a wedding aswell, gifts,overnight stays, new outfit for each one lol). The worst of all was the compareing of the day.

If she new you wanted to wear the dress she is being very selfish, have a word with your mum and she what she says, and in the mean time get your self off trying on new dresses just in case!! xxx

YANBU

how selfish of your sister!!

its bad enough she wants a month BEFORE yours - why cant she have it a month after?

but to want the same dress as well

my friend (k) was very pissed off as another friend (e) got married a month before her, was at different venue, obv different dress, but she was very annoyed - as friend k felt that friend e had stolen her thunder

and 2 years later friend k is divorced ....

YANBU - my Dad got married in the same week as me and frankly it caused chaos and we weren't even invited to the day.
Honestly I would suggest you buy or borrow your own dress the whole mothers wedding dress thing is daft anyway, it should be unique to you. One girl was in the paper yesterday wearing a dress she'd got for £60 from ebay and it looked stunning, the monsoon sale is on too.

I agree if it isn't too late I would simply point out that she CAN'T use the dress as you're having it altered say 2 months before the wedding. My bridesmaid dress and my sisters wedding dress were made about 3 months before the day so only giving you a month is a little unfair and I also remember my sisters dress was filthy and even had a few rips in the back where people kept treading on it etc so its hardly gonna be in tip top condition for your big day! What happens if god forbid it gets a red wine stain or gets ripped? Where does that leave you? The run up to a wedding is busy and stressful enough, the last thing you need is to be trying to find a dress and then it'll be one you're not entirely happy with because it's something you're being made to do rather than by choice.
Dont worry about the date but do be firm about the dress, you have to be and sooner rather than later, don't let it spoil things. Be simple but clear, very sorry but she can't have it. full stop.

Actually I say go spend a day window shopping / trying on dresses. I know you can't afford an expensive dress but the shops don't have to know that, it'll be good fun and you never know you might just find a bargain!
If you don't look you don't find but if your mum's dress is what you have your heart set on then you know what you have to do. Best of luck xx

YANBU, DH and I planned our wedding (to something of an inconvenience) to fall AFTER our friends' wedding because we felt it would be poor form to 'jump in first'. They aren't even great friends of ours, but we are in a group of friends, all of whom would be attending both weddings. Similarly some friends of ours later planned their wedding to happen a couple of weeks after ours, they even rearranged the date to ensure it didn't clash with our honeymoon!

I think it's fine if the weddings are going to occur in different years or seasons; some people opt for long engagements, some not. But I think it is particularly crass of your sister to plan this to fall before yours. I'm not surprised you feel somewhat usurped.

And as for the wedding dress... this seems a little dog in the manger of your dsis. It must be an amazing dress though! If I wore my mum's wedding dress to my wedding I'd have looked like Miss Haversham!

We planned our wedding abroad 2 years before the event and my Mum ch2se to re-marry 2 weeks earlier (planned 3 months before) and take our wedding as her honeymoon. I was a little put out (groos understatement) and can understand how you feel - it isn't jealousy like has been suggested, just a feeling that your plans have been hijacked. I also know that many of our friends and relatives who were invited to both weddings/receptions (we had a reception party when we came home) chose between the two since weddings aren't cheap to attend with travel, clothes, kids, presents etc. etc. plus I live the other end of the country to my Mum.

Perhaps it might be worth talking through some of these things with your sister - you might both prefer to have the weddings further apart so that your guests are able to attend both. And as for the dress - I think the person who suggested that your sister buy you a new one if she insists on having it is spot on.

Hey all,

Had a talk with my sister about it (in a very gentle way) and told her that I was not keen on my fiance seeing the dress before we get married.

I told her I had budgeted around it and that I couldn't afford another one. She said she had also budgeted around it (though I don't see how she has had time considering her boyfriend proposed on Saturday!) and was only having a big wedding because her fiance has lots of family.

She is a super organiser though, so she may well have done.

For those who wanted to know, I am the older sister, by seven years, and my DP and I have a baby together and decided the time was right. My sister has just gotten out of a long term relationship and has been with the guy she is going to marry for three months.

We have been close in the past, but frankly since she left university and has been building her business up, we have drifted apart since we live in different towns.

I know she was resentful when I was pregnant that I was getting all the attention (because I had an awful pregnancy, my mum took time off work to look after me!) and she said to my dad "Why does she always have to do everything first?"

So maybe it is a form of one-upmanship? I am cross about it because I wouldn't have done it to her.

I will stand firm about the dress because it is a lovely dress, and I know she can afford another one. If she'd done the decent thing and waited, then she could have worn it, but if she chooses to leap in there before me, then she mustn't be allowed to spoil my surprise for my husband to be, it isn't fair. He hasn't even seen the photos of my mum's wedding.

Thanks all.

"Why does she always have to do everything first?"
ooo that's quite telling.

Try and hold your own about the dress....I hope you get some help with it from your mum or others in the family.

If you are 7 years older isn't it quite likely that you will end up doing some things first? Why does she have a problem with this? Sounds like your sister is very competitive about you even if you aren't with her.

So has she agreed to give up the dress?

I was very surprised to hear that too, I had no idea she felt that way. I didn't think she was particularly interested in having kids or getting married yet, as she has so much on her plate with her business.

If it makes sense, I'm not so hurt that she's done it, more that she WANTED to do it and get in there first.

I have already sent out save the date cards to prevent people booking hols etc and as I said before I've chatted to her about most of the things to do with my wedding, so she doesn't have the excuse of ignorance.

I really don't understand why she would feel competitive with me. She's the one who lives in a nice town, has a business and has money. She has a degree and she's thinner than me and very attractive. The only thing I have that she doesn't is a baby.

It's baffling to me really, if anyone should feel competitive, it's me! (I don't, by the way, too busy with my own day-to-day!)

definitely yanbu!
As for people telling you you are being silly about having weddings a month after each other - part of the fun of a wedding i seeing relatives you haven't seen for years and catching up. By the time the OP's wedding comes round that'll all have happened and they'll be sick of the sight of each other

BorgLady - sounds to me like you are actually being pretty reasonable in the circumstances. As others have said it kind of makes sense that you do most things first if you're 7 years older. Definitely stick to your guns about the dress and I guess just try to rise above all the other stuff. Yours will be a fantastic day to remember and that's all that really matters.