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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset my sister has planned her wedding just a month before mine?

178 replies

BorgLady · 27/07/2009 12:50

My sister called me yesterday to say her boyfriend had proposed. I was really pleased for her and I genuinely am, but I later learned that she wants to get married next summer, just a month before my wedding (which has been booked for a couple of months).

I don't begrudge her her wedding, but she and her boyfriend both earn well and have no children, so she will be able to afford a much bigger affair than mine and have it in a much nicer place with all the family I have decided I can't afford.

I can't help but feel a bit deflated about my plans now, particularly as she wants to wear my mum's wedding dress, which I was also planning to wear.

She is a different size to me, so I am not sure there will be time to alter it between weddings, and now everyone will have seen the dress (including my boyfriend who is not supposed to see it before the big day) just a few weeks before I wear it.

I know material things aren't supposed to matter, and that it's the marriage that's important and not the wedding, but I can't help feeling I've had my thunder stolen.

Am I just being a bitch, or would anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
addicted2weddings · 27/07/2009 18:26

YANBU what a wanker, how could she be such a cow especially when it comes to the dress.

Katisha · 27/07/2009 18:27

I feel I need to know a bit more about the dress - why is it so important if it is only 5 years old? I could see the point more if it was decades old and historic and a family heirloom.

OnceWasSquiffy · 27/07/2009 18:38

Why do I bother opening threads like this. I know I will end up wanting to bang peoples heads together.

It's a party. It's fun. It's a nice feeling having someone tell everyone in the room that they love you. No one gives a flying fuck how much it cost and whether the evening buffet was crap. They are there to party and celebrate with you. Unless you are flying half the party over from Oz then I can't see how it matters.

You need to relax about it. Or it will turn into war of the bridezillas.

Thingiebob · 27/07/2009 18:47

YANBU

What a completely shitty thing to do in my book - especially as she knows as well as everyone else that it's not one of those things you can really moan about without looking silly. Totally passive aggressive if you ask me.

Why does she HAVE to book her wedding just one month before yours? and as for the dress - she must have known you were planning to wear it. I agree with other posters, stand firm and say you are really unhappy about her wearing the dress as it was agreed that you would be wearing it for your wedding and there won't be time for it to be adjusted. If she thinks you are being unreasonable then tell her if it's no big deal she can go and buy a new one!

I really feel for you, on one hand you want to be happy for your sister and on the other she has basically upstaged you, probably will have nicked your guests, your thunder and even your wedding dress!

Can you sit her down and tell her how upset you are about the dress? She may understand and rethink this bit of the wedding or come to some compromise - if she gets angry and refuses then I think I would seriously consider the motivations behind her actions. It could be based on jealousy.

For some reason this whole thing has really got me angry on your behalf!! It would be good to know the outcome to be honest.

If you're not that bothered about having a big wedding affair, I would cancel everything, elope and spend the money on a fantastic honeymoon to coincide with her wedding...

Northernlurker · 27/07/2009 18:49

The dress thing - if you spoke first then it's yours and that's just tough for her.

The venue being 'bigger' etc - get over yourself. The important thing is the marriage - if your jealousy of her wedding is a bigger issue to you than that then you shouldn't even be getting married!

Thingiebob · 27/07/2009 19:01

I don't think the OP minds the fact that her wedding will be less of a 'grand' affair -more that her sister can afford to invite relatives that she and her partner can't. I think it is feelings of inadequacy rather than jealousy.

PlumBumMum · 27/07/2009 19:01

Katisha, I think the dress is important to the op as she is trying to do her wedding on a budget, and therefore will not need to buy a dress

DandyLioness · 27/07/2009 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LaDiDaDi · 27/07/2009 19:08

YANBU about the dress but you are a bit about the rest of it.

Why is the dress so special, other than that your mum wore it?

piscesmoon · 27/07/2009 19:18

I can't see why dates being close together matters in the least-it isn't a competition.A very cheap wedding can be far nicer than a grand affair. As long as you are marrying the right person it really doesn't matter.
I think the dress is annoying-I would just say you booked it first-she will have to make alternative arrangements.

3seater · 27/07/2009 19:22

YANBU with your (secret) feelings, but I also feel sorry for your family too, weddings usually end up costing the guests money, effort, time off of work etc, let alone without the 'dress' issue

tinseltot · 27/07/2009 19:37

YANBU, i can see why you feel a bit put out. that said, i would give your sister the benefit of the doubt re her planning to steal your thunder. The answer is simple though - move your wedding forward so it is before your sisters. No doubt about it, this is what you should do. I reckon your day will defo be spoilt if your sister goes first given that your do was arranged first then i reckon you have more right to be the one to wear the dress first etc. Say something about the venue being double booked so you had to move it. If your sister then moves hers to a date before your new one then you know that she is being a bitch!

Good luck!

lovechoc · 27/07/2009 19:49

YABU, there are worse things in life to be worrying over. Keep it all in perspective.

My cousin had a huge wedding, v posh. I, on the other hand, had a tiny wedding (fraction of the cost of my cousin's) but we both end up with the same thing: a marriage certificate.

No matter how you dress it up, everyone ends up with the same piece of paper (sorry for knocking the romance out of it, but it's true).
Your day will be special to you and your future hubby, and that's all that matters. Try not to compare your version of a wedding day with your sister's.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 27/07/2009 19:58

Who is the older sister? Think dress should go to oldest daughter.

Jackstini · 27/07/2009 20:00

Why Kim? Surely it should go to the one who asked first!

Northernlurker · 27/07/2009 20:01

Why on earth should the older daughter get it? That's just absurd. The person who spoke first should have the choice of using it. The op has valid reasons - she can't afford her own and is the same size as the mother plus one assumes she asked first. To have all that trumped by the fact that the other sister is older - if she is - would just be silly!

DandyLioness · 27/07/2009 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 27/07/2009 20:05

Sorry did not read whole thing, thought the dress was old family heirloom, not just 5 years old.

I say the oldest should get it as that is how thing are usually passed down through familys, when my Nanna dies as the eldest grandchild I was left her wedding ring.

If the OP has already ask her mum for the dress then yes she should have it, I think the sister is bring a stupid bitch any how....is she pregnant so rushing the wedding? Why so close to the OPs wedding, just seems nasty for the sake of it.

feedthegoat · 27/07/2009 20:17

I agree that yanbu about the dress. If it was agreed that you were having the dress then your sister should either buy her own or be the second to wear it.

But I think yabu about the date. Our wedding had been booked for a year when dh's brother booked his beating us by 6 weeks. I honestly didn't care.

I didn't even care when my mil bought a dress for bil's wedding which fil deemed not nice enough, so she bought another. She then wore the first one to my wedding six weeks later. I must be an easy going type!

kickassangel · 27/07/2009 20:54

yanbu. if your sister knows all your plans, at best she's being unthinking. not just towards you, but all those people who have to travel/buy presents/outfits etc twice over now. and those rellies who you can't have at yours, may feel more put out (if they're like that) more now, as it just kind of highlights things.

having said that, although my wedding was a couple of years after my sister's , it was same church, same venue, same veil (very unique 'family heirloom') etc. really, though, on the day it doesn't matter.

if she does go to the same venue as you, or has the same registrar, you might want to tip them off about it. for some bizarre reason, i went to a church wedding in the same church, 3 times in a year, and the vicar used the same sermon each time. those of us in the same crowd together found it hard not to start chanting it aloud with him by the third go round.

fruitstick · 27/07/2009 21:27

She's being a cow and a bully.

Send out your invitations now! And include details of where people should stay etc. Also say you need quick replies to confirm numbers etc etc.

As for the dress, what do you mean 'she is ruthless and always gets her own way'? No need to tell her how upset your are etc. SHE CAN'T HAVE IT BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY HAVING IT. If your mother thinks this too then there is no issue. Go get the dress. If she says anything about wanting it just say 'well it's a shame your wedding's first otherwise you'd be welcome to have it after me'

What's she going to do? Break in? I highly doubt she'd never speak to you again. And if she didn't - fuck her!

Loshad · 27/07/2009 22:22

It's pretty unreasonable of her - when DH and i decided to get married we had to set the date around my older sister's wedding which she had already announced - there's no way my mum would have let me get married before her though we would quite happily have got married the next week. so we settled on a 13 month engagement so our date was about 3 months after hers. Sadly her wedding didn't go ahead (though she did marry an equally nice chap a few years later. It really is not acceptable for her to announce her wedding after your date has been set and then go for a month before you.

duvetheaven · 27/07/2009 23:16

I would be annoyed if my sister did this. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

simplesusan · 27/07/2009 23:53

I agree 100% with Thingiebob, so much in fact I was about to wrtie an almost identical post!!

I am feeling angry and peed off for you.

I think it is because a similar thing happened to me but with my SIL.

She was marrying my dhs brother so I couldn't speak to her as you can. I did however ask her why they had chosen to have their wedding just before mine and not after mine when it would be in the school holidays (she was a school teacher) and they had indeed booked their honeymoon for the school holidays (after my wedding) iyswim.

My advice would be:
Take the wedding dress to your house now. Tell sister that she cannot wear it and if she is unreasonable, change your date to be approx 1 week before hers and sod off on honeymoon thus avoiding her wedding altogether.

Yurtgirl · 27/07/2009 23:56

I would be annoyed about the date and the dress

Almost the exact same thing happened to me
My bil and his wife married on Saturday, we had to leave the reception to travel across England to an interview (dont ask, long story) and following saturday we got married

Bil and wife had a HUGE wedding with very £££ sit down meal, 7 courses etc
We had a £2000 total cost wedding with finger buffet - the contrast was huge!
Thankfully only a few mutual guests

I was narked then and still cant bear bils wife now - she is selfish (long story)

You will need to decide how to handle it, she is your sister after all...

Best of luck with everything