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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at DH who doesnt want anymore kids, but wont have the snip

120 replies

TheNatty · 23/07/2009 17:56

apparently its ME that should have the operation, as its me that 'falls pregnant so damn easy'
im happy to have more... perhaps not now DS is 2 weeks old...

i have terrible trouble with finding contraceptives that work for me, have tried everything going and each method has had a problem with it.

AIBU to feel that its a small op for him, and that would save me having to use contaceptives that make me ill/cause me pain as its HIM that doesnt want any kids??

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 23/07/2009 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2009 17:59

Condoms don't 'hurt' anyone and you can them free from family planning centres.

I agree that it should be jointly decided though - and it depends on age - how old are you both?

KembleTwins · 23/07/2009 18:01

My DH is EXACTLY the same. Our twin DC are 3 now. I would happily have another but we have decided we're not going to. I have really nasty periods, and don't like the idea of taking the pill forever. I have now had a mirena coil fitted, which is supposed to help with the periods but I think DH is really mean and selfish for refusing the snip. Having the coil fitted was definitely the MOST unpleasant experience of my life (had c-section for twins - not great but at least I had two beautiful babies at the end of it) So Natty, I totally sympathise. Men. Grrrrr. YANNNNNBU

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/07/2009 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2009 18:03

ah, just clicked on your profile and see you're 23 - if he's the same age they are pretty unlikely to do it on the NHS.

I do think for older men who have completed their families that the operation is easier than sterilising women - fairly sure that is clinically correct too.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 18:06

pmsl @ TPT

thanks for the congrats

condoms no good, fell with dd with them.
coil damn near killed me, heavy three week periods lead to severe anemia.
the pill makes me vomit every morning. and yes i have tried about twenty different types including the mini pill.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/07/2009 18:07

I wouldn't have sex with him anymore then unless he used a condom every single time.

I really wouldn't.

DH refuses to have the snip - he's 32 in October - and I don't see why I should have an op under GA and my abdomen painfully bloated up with gas and incisions that go all the way through my abdominal wall when it's a 10 minute procedure for him.

So I use Persona and he uses condoms every single time and during my fertile times (and my period, because I don't like having sex on my period), he gets no sex at all.

If he doesn't like it he's free to pick up teh phone and get an appointment.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 18:08

the op for men is a day surgery, out same night. its also reversable in most cases.
we are both 24 profile not up to date

they wouldnt do mine on nhs, but gp agreed to do it for DH on nhs

OP posts:
willali · 23/07/2009 18:09

you can still have a healthy sex life without having to ahem ejaculate INSIDE IYKWIM

What about injections?? If you are very young the NHS will not sterilise you without good medical reasons, and you need to think whether this is what you really want for both of you - an irreversable operation for you both..

TheProfiteroleThief · 23/07/2009 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

willali · 23/07/2009 18:10

x post NAtty!

hercules1 · 23/07/2009 18:12

He's too young imo to have the snip.

CyradisTheSeer · 23/07/2009 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notevenamousie · 23/07/2009 18:12

Any gynaecologist will ask, "why aren't we looking at him???" And they'd be right.

Mirena works for me, took months and months of bleeding mind, but if it hadn't, I'd be in your shoes. I think withholding sex is entirely reasonable.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2009 18:13

I think the person who wants kids the least should prevent it the most.

But I also think 24 is too young to decide not to have more children. The reality is that statistically you're unlikely to be together in ten years (what a cheerful thought) so it's quite a lifechanging decision for both of you.

I realise the above 2 statements are in conflict with regards to your situation so sorry about that

LovingtheSilverFox · 23/07/2009 18:17

Although I agree that 24 is too young for him, it is too young for you.

If he is insistent that he doesn't want anymore children, he should take the responsibility to see that the situation is sorted out. (DH's friend was in this situation, his wife was sterilised, they then split up and he was then suprised when his new gf wound up pregnant!)

I am not in your position, in that although I concieve easily, contraception works for us, so can't really suggest a practical solution, except to suggest you speak to your gp as a couple to see what you can do.

jemmm · 23/07/2009 18:20

I'm a SAHD.
We've three DC's - youngest twins.
I've had the snip.

He's being outrageously unreasonable.

I think his options should be as follows:

Snip, condoms, no sex. Blimey!

There appears to be a secret society of "Men who have" - we're all supposed to walk around sucking our teeth, and telling everyone it really really hurts... It doesn't. Well it does a bit, but really nothing more than a bit.

All of that said - our midwife said we should wait six months until after the birth - just to make sure we were both totally decided.

hercules1 · 23/07/2009 18:23

But Jemm, how old are you? This man is only 24 and as another poster pointed out chances are they won't be together in a few years time anyway (sorry op).

Qally · 23/07/2009 18:27

It's fair enough not to want the snip, but vile to expect you to have quite a major op while refusing a minor.

theDreadPirateRoberts · 23/07/2009 18:30

But vasectomies are way easier to reverse - it's not 'sterilisation' as such... My BIL had his reversed after about 10 years, and then redone after my niece and nephew turned up... It's not necessarily a for-life decision...

Scorps · 23/07/2009 18:32

Yanbu at all, have had similar convo with my dh today.

Expat how does persona work, what do you do?

monkeyfacegrace · 23/07/2009 18:33

Wow, thats an awful statement to make. No wonder people split up so easily if its bloody expected anyway. I can tell you, 100%, that even at 22 I will never leave my partner in a million years. Not because he is 'perfect' and Im head over heals, but because I made a promise and I have to live with that, and make it work. Its not an option-its a partnership. The only way we are going to split up is if he leaves me, Im Im pretty god damn sure thats not going to happen.
So, op, dont work on the basis that 'chances are you wont be together', make it work!

jemmm · 23/07/2009 18:34

hercules1 that'll teach me to chip in before reading the entire thread properly...

24 is young.

qally yep - that's the point really isn't it - one of them is a bit insignificant - in and out, bit of an odd walk for 24 hours - the other is a bit more full on.

That said - I suppose neither should be expected to - it's just a case of dealing with the consequences and divvying up the responsibilities.

monkeyfacegrace · 23/07/2009 18:36

FWIW, I think YANBU tho, if I was you id be implementing a sex ban.

ABetaDad · 23/07/2009 18:37

TheNatty - well, you should both wait a year before finally deciding and use condoms and Persona up to that point. Then decide if DH wants a vasectomy and if not then keep using condoms and Persona. I would not put DW through an op to sterlise her. I would rather have a vasectomy than that and I do not want her taking the pill or having a coil fitted either.

The other thing to factor in is that female sterlisation by tubal ligation has a much much higher risk of unwanted pregnancy than vasectomy. Your DH might want to think about that risk if he really does not want more children.

Vasectomy is not totally risk free, it is an operation after all, but a lot less risky and involved than any form of female sterlisation.