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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at DH who doesnt want anymore kids, but wont have the snip

120 replies

TheNatty · 23/07/2009 17:56

apparently its ME that should have the operation, as its me that 'falls pregnant so damn easy'
im happy to have more... perhaps not now DS is 2 weeks old...

i have terrible trouble with finding contraceptives that work for me, have tried everything going and each method has had a problem with it.

AIBU to feel that its a small op for him, and that would save me having to use contaceptives that make me ill/cause me pain as its HIM that doesnt want any kids??

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 23/07/2009 21:02

Thanks BB. We have two, and I am pretty certain I don't want any more, for a variety of reasons. But there is always the 'what if' in the back of my mind.

A friend of mine waited until his children were well into school and they knew whatever happened, they wouldn't go back to the having a newborn stage. So we'll do the same. Our children are still pre-school age.

But I don't want to be on the pill until the menopause, so it is a realistic option for us in the next few years. 24 just seems very young to me, to return to the OP's question.

Original poster
TheNatty · 23/07/2009 21:05

i agree 24 is very young.
just sometimes feels like we are running out of options

OP posts:
Qally · 23/07/2009 21:05

"i pretty much told him if he didnt marry me he could leave. "

That isn't holding a gun. That's spelling out that you have certain desires and expectations in terms of a long term commitment, and good on you. I told DH I wouldn't buy a house and have kids without marriage because I studied law. The primary carer has sod all protection outside marriage, financially speaking. He wouldn't dream of implying that I in some way owed him for wanting certain things in my own life - namely, a bloke who hasn't got his eye on a get-out-of-jail-free card at my expense a few years hence, should he desire one.

"i think he deserves a little slack for sticking with me thru it all."

You did not get pregnant by yourself. You got pregnant TOGETHER. Seriously, you sound as if you think he did you a favour by choosing to stay. He didn't. He did what he wanted to do, and what suited him best of the available options - you'll forgive me for pointing out that he's hardly leaping to make a sacrifice he isn't inclined towards elsewhere, now is he?

ABetaDad · 23/07/2009 21:21

TheNatty - just a couple of things on the practicalities.

I notice that you do not want DH to have the operation. DW feels the same even though we have a 'complete family'. We are therefore in a very similar situation. As I do not want DW to have an operaton or taking the pill for ever so we have therefore compromised on condoms and very careful monitoring of DW's cycle. There is no other solution that is feasible for us.

If DH does not like condoms, then he could experiment with the range of different ones that available from Durex. The standard ones are not great to wear (not that I would ever refuse) but the newer Pleasuremax range feel much nicer and there are a range of different lubricants you can also try. The spontaneity is not there with condoms so we do also 'take a risk' very close to the end of the cycle.

You are putting up with a lot though. DH needs to really meet you half way on this issue.

morningpaper · 23/07/2009 21:41

I read that as "DH needs to really meet you half way on the tissue"

which would also work as a matter of contraception

morningpaper · 23/07/2009 21:44

I doubt that condoms "don't work for you" - they do work fairly effectively, and you generally know when they don't because they split or fall off or get lost round your U-Bend. Take the advice on here to try different brands, and if you are still worried then avoid having sex during 'fertile' times.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/07/2009 07:45

I think it must depend on the GP with regard to vasectomies. My DH had his at 35 and the GP didn't even ask why, just asked how many children he had and their ages. All done within 3 months of the initial appointment.

girlsyearapart · 24/07/2009 07:50

Do couples have the same conversations the world over?
We have two kids and plan two more and DH said he won't be snipped after. That was after hearing someones horror story at football. Grr.

charitygirl · 24/07/2009 07:54

Agree with morningpaper about condoms. Try again with them - NO side effects for anyone, you can see if they've failed, and if they do, the morning after pill is available over the counter

sarah293 · 24/07/2009 08:26

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/07/2009 08:29

It definitely is his turn, Riven. It is a much bigger op for a woman to be sterilised than a man.

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 08:29

"Yet he doesn't want more children (I do)."

Riven !

sarah293 · 24/07/2009 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BonsoirAnna · 24/07/2009 08:48

Oh Riven for you. Having only had one myself, I have quite a few regrets for the larger family I would have liked, but I certainly do enjoy my DD to the hilt!

wonderingwondering · 24/07/2009 08:57

Why do men do that? The whole 'chat at the football' about getting the snip. Women the world over go through childbirth but it is accepted as part of life and then you move on - you don't use your own experience to warn every other woman off doing it.

And no-one would ever have so much as a filling in their tooth if their mate gave them a second-by-second account of what was going to happen.

I can understand the emotional/psychological reasons behind man being dubious about the snip, but to be put off by the fact it might hurt a bit is just pathetic.

ABetaDad · 24/07/2009 09:22

wonderingwondering - I have never had a single conversation with any man about vasectomy. Ever!

I am not sure it is something men talk about - but really it is the fear of the unknown that is the problem. Some men do not feel comfortable talking about stuff like this so they just guess what it is like or assume the worst rather than seeking advice. Not all men of course are like that but I find it odd that many men do avoid health issues like this when it is so important. However, I have had so many operations and procedures on my bladder I suppose I am odd in that respect.

My theory is that it is something to do with perhaps a fear of a 'loss of manhood' that makes men reluctant rather than pain and discomfort. Lots of men do have vasectomies done though so does not apply to all men and of course it is bound to make any man nervous it involves such an important part of our body that really defines us psychologically and physiologically as men and of course it is physically very sensitive too so there is a degree of pain involved.

Still don't think any of the above is an excuse to not have a vasectomy done (or take personal repsonsibility for alternative contraception) though if a man has a supportive DW/DP in a loving relationship.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/07/2009 09:37

I am sure it is just because it involves his pride and joy.

If it was done via his stomach or his eye, I am sure they would be less wimpiness fuss.

Fruitysunshine · 24/07/2009 09:53

I think it is worth looking at your own part in this - if it were me I would want to be responsible for my own contraception - and not rely on somebody else. Sterilisation of either partner is a huge thing. Many things could happen in life, including divorce, and people may want more children with a new partner.

I think if you stick to organising your own contraception then that would be the responsible thing to do.

expatinscotland · 24/07/2009 09:54

So that relieves him of any responsibility, Fruity.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 24/07/2009 09:58

That would work, Fruity, if Riven didn't want any more children but she does.

Stigaloid · 24/07/2009 09:59

My DH promised me 2 kids then the snip. He is happy to be the one to take the responsibilty. I don't take the pill as it turn me into psycho woman and i don't want to keep taking hormones for extended periods of time as it isn't good for the body, and he doesn't want more than 2 and i am happy stopping at 2 as well. DH is 38 however and i do think 24 is very young. However, contraception is a joint responsibility. He should use condoms or abstinence but insit you have the snip or take the pill. Tell him to take the male pill and he can ingest the hormones for a change.

Fairynufff · 24/07/2009 10:01

My DH had a terrible time with his vastecomy - basically a back street clinic, reluctant trainee and the anasthestic didn't work - he is a tough guy and I have never seen so much pain and torture on his face. He still felt that it was his duty to have the vasectomy as I'd endured the pain of giving birth to 3 children and it was his turn.

A vasectomy is usually, however, a far less invasive and disruptive procedure than sterilisation (or even taking hormones on a daily basis). I agree with expat - can't believe there are so many women married to such selfish arses...

Fruitysunshine · 24/07/2009 10:07

I just feel you need to be responsible for yourself. It may resolve him of responsibility but if OP does want more children then she need take no action. If he does not want anymore children then he needs to take precautions from his point of view.

I would not insist on a sex ban, but I would reiterate to him that I have no intention of using contraception so if he does not want anymore children at this point then he needs to be responsible for the actions of his own body and bag it up.

I would tackle this from another angle. Be nice about it, tell him your position and allow him to take his own stand and if OP gets pregnant again then he cannot blame her as she stated her position right from the start. That is not being underhand on OP's part but a total bampot on her DH's part!

MumtoCharlieandLola · 24/07/2009 10:23

You know what you need to do.....

Go to hospital, get a natty blue dressing gown and then look as if you are about to throw yourself off the roof,

That'll do the trick

(Anyone else watch Corra )

girlsyearapart · 24/07/2009 10:33

I know lovely chat at football sorts everything out!
Imagine if I came home and said well I had a chat at the gym and apparently childbirth really hurts so we won;t be having any kids!!